Friend very upset by my daughter

[Tryandtryagain02]

My 7 year old daughter befriended another little girl in her class over the summer and her mum and I have consequently become friends. The little girl has autism which I'd say is mild. Anyway, during the summer there was an incident where my daughter was playing at her house but had to go home soon as I was picking her up - the other child got very upset and threw a glass candle at the back of head resulting in it having to be glued. There have been other incidents including hair pulling, slapping and grabbing. I have a brother with severe autism and global developmental delay so I knew from experience that the child was most like taking her frustrations out on my daughter physically as she was unable to verbalise this. Her mum was equally very upset and told her daughter off and made her apologise as well bought my daughter a gift.

However, a few weeks ago my daughter was at a sleepover with her and a few other friends and the child bit her on the face. Ever since my daughter said she does not want to be friends with her which I accepted and agreed to as I don't blame her and think she has tolerated a lot. The girls mum has taken this very much to heart and was upset when my daughter in retaliation wrote a note at school to say the other girl was "stupid" and "can't read". I was very upset and she was told off for this as its unacceptable regardless of whether the other child hurt her but I could equally understand she is angry. Fast forward to this weekend we went for a group meal with other friends and our children. My daughter wouldn't acknowledge her daughter and she became very angry shouting saying my daughter was trying to isolate her and take her away from other children and started crying all whilst staring at my 7 year old. I didn't react to her at this point. I thought about it all evening and decided to send her a message the following morning explaining that she was completely out of order for her behaviour and if my daughter doesn't want to be friends then she has to accept that but she carried on saying how would I like it if my daughter had no friends and that there was no malice in her behaviour. It ended up in a debate which resulted in her phoning me to apologise but still attempt to justify her daughters behaviour. I'm still really angry this has happened as I think I've been very understanding and kind to her considering what has happened previously. But my other friend thinks I should send her a message to see how she is as it's her only child who she had in my early 40s and therefore isn't as experienced (I have 3 children). I don't know what to do?

They don't have to be friends but they don't have to be mean I would encourage your daughter not to ignore her deliberately but they need to make other friends

I would not contact the mother again or it will be an never ending saga

How would your DD feel about trying again but in supervised situations only?

She doesn't want to be friends with her. It's not exactly good to teach a 7 year old you can stomp all over what she wants to save someone else's feelings. The mother also acted disgracefully towards ops daughter.

Not necessarily the little girls fault, but she has also repeatedly hurt ops daughter. Why should her daughter be put in that position if she doesn't want it?

I have asked her a couple of times would she consider being her friend but doesn't have to go to her house and she will not change her mind. She said "I don't want to be friends with someone that hurts me anymore". The little girls birthday party is coming up this Saturday and my daughter said doesn't want to invite her to her party next month so I told her she can't go to her party on Saturday which she agreed to. Also, I have told her she does not say anything nasty about the child, write notes or try and turn any children against her or she is in big trouble.

I think your DD is right to not want to continue a friendship with someone that has repeatedly harmed her, that's just sensible survival instincts and should be encouraged.

Having group outings with the girls together isn't a good idea.

You shouldn't be making the two kids socialise at the moment, that's just unfair.

Of course your child doesn't have to be friends with someone who has repeatedly physically hurt her but to take them out to dinner together isn't going to work.

The other mum needs to accept that her child's behaviour has caused her friends to move away from her and that's what she needs to work on, not trying to emotionally blackmail your child to just suck up physical abuse.

Good on your Dd having boundaries. Please don’t ask her any more if she would reconsider. Her boundaries need to be respected

Don't push your child to be her friend! It's absolutely right to set boundaries with someone who hurts you.

Don't apologise, and don't bring your daughter to any more group outings where this girl will be there. I'd avoid someone who bit me in the face, SEN or no SEN, and I think most adults would if we're honest. Imo it's unfair that society expects children to put up with this stuff.

That's not a criticism of you by the way - I've had this issue with a school saying a young relative of mine needed to just put up with being smacked in the face by another boy, because there was SEN.

Stop contacting the mum, nothing to be gained now. She’s understandably protective of her child but the shouting and carrying on was outrageous, your daughter is only 7 too. She’s supposed to be an adult and I wouldn’t have her anywhere near me or my children.

She wouldn’t expect her daughter to spend time with someone who’d repeatedly injured her including putting her in hospital. You’d certainly not tolerate that from anyone I hope? She’s not been supervising her DD adequately that this has happened once never mind multiple times.

Encourage other friendships. Your DD is your priority and she’s only got you to look out for her.

Do not force your daughter to be friends with this girl.

Why on earth did you take her to a group outing with the girl when she had already seriously injured your child? Protect your child and stop socializing with these people.

As an adult would you want to speak to someone who hurt you, physically repetitively?

i know I wouldn't.

you’ve said your piece to her mum, I would leave it.

To those saying don’t apologise: I disagree. No-one, regardless of circumstances, ought to be calling another person stupid and mocking their difficulties. 7 is certainly old enough to understand that.

OP’s daughter has no obligation whatsoever to be friends with anyone. Equally, she has no right to insult that person.

Yanbu, she doesn’t have to be friends with someone who hurts her.

Daughter has already been told off about that

Being ND doesn’t give someone a free pass to be abusive. The other girls mother needs to appreciate the consequences of violence towards others will be that people don’t want to be her daughters friend. If she wants that to change, she needs to work with her daughter on fining more appropriate ways to communicate.

@MrsSkylerWhite I completely agree and made my daughter apologise for writing the notes and told her there will be consequences if she does anything like that again.

So your DD had already been injured several times by this girl, told you she didn't want to see her again and yet you arranged a playdate with her and the mum???
And now you keep asking her to "reconsider"...
YABU for inflicting this on your DD, you should have declined and politely explained to the mum why you and DD won't be seeing them again.

You’ve both handled this situation very badly to be honest.

When you found out about the note you should have explained to your daughter that it’s ok not to be friends with someone, but you shouldn’t be unkind. Equally you should have explained that it’s ok not to want to play with someone, but you should still acknowledge them and say “sorry I don’t want to play right now”.

Of course she was out of order for shouting but I think you need to be a bit more understanding about how difficult it is to have a child with SEN. Just say to her “I’m sorry this is how it’s turned out but X has hurt my daughter and now my daughter needs some time away”.

This! I'm really surprised you keep asking/pushing your daughter tbh.

OP do you have experience of physical abuse? You seem to see it as normal, most parents wouldn't want their child anywhere near someone who injured them enough to need hospital treatment

But why the need for the play date?

Totally reasonable for your daughter not to be friendly with someone who throws things at her and bites her. And because she is 7 years old, your daughter is naturally handling it in an immature way by being hostile and spiteful because she doesn't know how else to distance herself. You are right to make clear to her that she cannot behave in those ways, but you also need to understand that she doesn't have the skills at her age to negotiate this, and keep them apart as much as possible in social situations.

The dust will settle and everyone will mature gradually, including the other girl.

I also have 3 kids.

It is a hard situation. However, it is important to teach children healthy friendships and boundaries. In your situation my priority would be my child and if she doesn’t want to be friends I would be teaching her how to best instill her boundaries whilst still trying to be understating and compassionate.