Friend very upset by my daughter

[Tryandtryagain02]

My 7 year old daughter befriended another little girl in her class over the summer and her mum and I have consequently become friends. The little girl has autism which I'd say is mild. Anyway, during the summer there was an incident where my daughter was playing at her house but had to go home soon as I was picking her up - the other child got very upset and threw a glass candle at the back of head resulting in it having to be glued. There have been other incidents including hair pulling, slapping and grabbing. I have a brother with severe autism and global developmental delay so I knew from experience that the child was most like taking her frustrations out on my daughter physically as she was unable to verbalise this. Her mum was equally very upset and told her daughter off and made her apologise as well bought my daughter a gift.

However, a few weeks ago my daughter was at a sleepover with her and a few other friends and the child bit her on the face. Ever since my daughter said she does not want to be friends with her which I accepted and agreed to as I don't blame her and think she has tolerated a lot. The girls mum has taken this very much to heart and was upset when my daughter in retaliation wrote a note at school to say the other girl was "stupid" and "can't read". I was very upset and she was told off for this as its unacceptable regardless of whether the other child hurt her but I could equally understand she is angry. Fast forward to this weekend we went for a group meal with other friends and our children. My daughter wouldn't acknowledge her daughter and she became very angry shouting saying my daughter was trying to isolate her and take her away from other children and started crying all whilst staring at my 7 year old. I didn't react to her at this point. I thought about it all evening and decided to send her a message the following morning explaining that she was completely out of order for her behaviour and if my daughter doesn't want to be friends then she has to accept that but she carried on saying how would I like it if my daughter had no friends and that there was no malice in her behaviour. It ended up in a debate which resulted in her phoning me to apologise but still attempt to justify her daughters behaviour. I'm still really angry this has happened as I think I've been very understanding and kind to her considering what has happened previously. But my other friend thinks I should send her a message to see how she is as it's her only child who she had in my early 40s and therefore isn't as experienced (I have 3 children). I don't know what to do?

Your daughter is right, why would she want to be friends with someone who is physically violent? Even if you sympathise with her autism. The mother would understandably be upset, but you have handled it fine and she needs to accept it is her daughter’s poor behaviour that is isolating her, not your daughter. She is clearly making too many excuses for her child instead of teaching her she cannot take her frustrations out on others and physically harm people or giving her other strategies to deal with her overwhelming emotions. Not all autistic children behave like this. I would be livid if someone threw a glass candle at my child’s head, that could kill someone, it is downright dangerous and I would not allow my child around her either. You shouldn’t just put up with abuse because you feel sorry for someone, let this be a wake up call for the mother.

And as others have pointed out, the mother should be around to de-escalate situations before they become violent. I think she is neglecting her role as parent and she needs to learn from this.

@Janetime what nonsense, autistic children model their parents the same way all children do. They also have learned behaviour and personality traits from their parents. The cause of autism is not known, research implies a genetic component but many factors interplay including environmental. If the mother can’t hold her emotions in check in front of a load of children then who knows what she’s like at home. It is perfectly possible that many of the child’s traits are also down to environmental factors/parenting as well as her autism, same as all children. She has a personality as well as a neurological disorder.

Then ask your daughter about the note. What prompted her to do this?

Admittedly I am not an expert, but I would guess that the OP child was frustrated at not being protected from various attacks.

First she ended up in hospital to be glued back together after being brained with a glass candle holder.
Her mum, you know the person who should protect her, sent her back to that same house for a sleepover, where she was physically attacked by the same person again and bitten.
When she told her mum she didn't want to be friends with this girl, her mother keeps questioning her over that decision, the child says she doesn't want to be friends with anyone that hurts her.
So in response the OP brings her child to a group outing where her attacker will be once again, but this time the child's mother has a screaming fit at the seven year old, where this little girls mum did nothing, just sat there as an adult had a screaming, crying tantrum at her seven year old daughter.
So I would say that this little girl is prompted by trying to keep herself safe in an environment that is unsafe and the person who should keep her safe does nothing. As for her blanking or ignoring this little girl, did she actually ignore her or go into freeze mode where she didn't know what to do and tried to keep herself safe. Freeze mode can be a result of trauma, like being physically attacked and then being forced into the same place as your attacker.

So long as you have spoken to your dd about the note and really ensure she understands not being friends is fine but being mean is not acceptable. Then it's fine. I say this as mother to an autistic child who has lost friends due to his behaviour.not it's not the autistic kids fault they have the strukogthey have but that can't compromise the safety or happiness of others. You or dd feeling is just as important

Funny how you chose to interpret my post so let me explain.
I think a parent should be capable of not having a tantrum, especially in front of children. If she behaves like this herself I am not in the least surprised that she minimises the absolutely unacceptable behaviour of her own child that clearly needs closer supervision.

You cant force kids to be friends youre daughter is right i wouldnt want to be friends with someone who hurt me repeatedly . I had this with my grandaughter her mum nipped it in the bud. It is classed as bullying in my eyes my family does not and will not tolerate bullies. I know children with adhd can be hard work but thats not an excuse for hurting somebody. Youre daughter is old enough to decide who she plays with and this mum is out of order.

This post resonated with me, because my son, when he was in primary school, was bullied by an autistic child. It was quite vicious. He would get pencils jabbed into his arms and legs. He was pushed over in the cloakroom. He would get kicked and punched. Throughout it all, we tried to encourage my son to be passive and get teachers involved if it got too much but they didn’t do anything to help protect my son from this child. The mother hid behind the disability saying that her precious child couldn’t possibly be capable of doing this. I saw his face, he knew exactly what he was doing. At the end of the day, you should not force your child to be friends with someone who is hurting them. And if the mother is complaining about it, then she needs to know that it’s not acceptable for her child to hurt someone else regardless of their mental capacity.

I have to apologise to OP - I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote this. I must have misread.