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Original poster

Friend very upset by my daughter

209 replies

Tryandtryagain02 · 06/02/2024 09:53

My 7 year old daughter befriended another little girl in her class over the summer and her mum and I have consequently become friends. The little girl has autism which I'd say is mild. Anyway, during the summer there was an incident where my daughter was playing at her house but had to go home soon as I was picking her up - the other child got very upset and threw a glass candle at the back of head resulting in it having to be glued. There have been other incidents including hair pulling, slapping and grabbing. I have a brother with severe autism and global developmental delay so I knew from experience that the child was most like taking her frustrations out on my daughter physically as she was unable to verbalise this. Her mum was equally very upset and told her daughter off and made her apologise as well bought my daughter a gift.

However, a few weeks ago my daughter was at a sleepover with her and a few other friends and the child bit her on the face. Ever since my daughter said she does not want to be friends with her which I accepted and agreed to as I don't blame her and think she has tolerated a lot. The girls mum has taken this very much to heart and was upset when my daughter in retaliation wrote a note at school to say the other girl was "stupid" and "can't read". I was very upset and she was told off for this as its unacceptable regardless of whether the other child hurt her but I could equally understand she is angry. Fast forward to this weekend we went for a group meal with other friends and our children. My daughter wouldn't acknowledge her daughter and she became very angry shouting saying my daughter was trying to isolate her and take her away from other children and started crying all whilst staring at my 7 year old. I didn't react to her at this point. I thought about it all evening and decided to send her a message the following morning explaining that she was completely out of order for her behaviour and if my daughter doesn't want to be friends then she has to accept that but she carried on saying how would I like it if my daughter had no friends and that there was no malice in her behaviour. It ended up in a debate which resulted in her phoning me to apologise but still attempt to justify her daughters behaviour. I'm still really angry this has happened as I think I've been very understanding and kind to her considering what has happened previously. But my other friend thinks I should send her a message to see how she is as it's her only child who she had in my early 40s and therefore isn't as experienced (I have 3 children). I don't know what to do?

OP posts:
HiItsMeImTheProblemItsMe · 06/02/2024 12:25

I can't believe you're trying to get your daughter to be friends with this girl. Most mothers would protect their children to the hilt from being abused by another child. Poor child, protect her from this girl and cut the mother off dead. She's shown just how much she cares about your child. Guess she'll have to find another punching bag for her kid now

Dozycuntlaters · 06/02/2024 12:25

This is utter madness. If your friend was telling you her partner had thrown a glass jar at her head and then bitten her on the face would you be saying she needs to be kind and compassionate to him?

Fuck, I have no words. No way would I be encourage my kid to be friends with someone who did this to him, and what does that tell your DD about life apart from accept abusive behaviour and put up with people who behave badly towards you. Stop worrying about being kind and start listening to your kid and showing her she can count on you.

clpsmum · 06/02/2024 12:26

I personally think it's really rude of your daughter to ignore her. They don't have to be friends but she could've acknowledged her

MissRheingold · 06/02/2024 12:26

What message did it send your daughter after she had a candle thrown at the back of her head which the resulting injury had to be glued and you then continued to encourage her to play with this child.

As adults we can understand that a child has autism and isn't being bad or naughty but a child can only see that the autistic child is allowed to get away with hurting others and that's where resentment may build up and your daughter is now in a position where speaking up against the child is seen as bullying.

I feel sorry for both children and I wouldn't force your daughter to be friends with her.

I wouldn't engage in any conversation with the mother as you need to do what's best for your daughter and she only wants her daughter to fit in which must be terribly hard for her when her daughter causes conflict, albeit because of the autism and not because she's a bad child.

HiItsMeImTheProblemItsMe · 06/02/2024 12:27

clpsmum · 06/02/2024 12:26

I personally think it's really rude of your daughter to ignore her. They don't have to be friends but she could've acknowledged her

I'd also ignore someone who had bitten me, put me in hospital and used me as a general punch bag. Would you be civil to someone who did all of that to you?

bradpittsbathwater · 06/02/2024 12:27

clpsmum · 06/02/2024 12:26

I personally think it's really rude of your daughter to ignore her. They don't have to be friends but she could've acknowledged her

Ffs

Dozycuntlaters · 06/02/2024 12:29

@clpsmum I personally think it's really rude of your daughter to ignore her. They don't have to be friends but she could've acknowledged her

Seriously? You would acknowledge someone who threw something at your head which resulted in you needing to have it glued back together and someone who bit you on the face. Fucking hell, do you have no boundaries?

Smellslikesummer · 06/02/2024 12:29

TeenDivided · 06/02/2024 10:02

How would your DD feel about trying again but in supervised situations only?

Would you ‘try again’ if someone bit your face??

Beautiful3 · 06/02/2024 12:33

You're going to have to stand with your daughter. She doesn't want to know her. Nor would I want to spend time with someone, who's hurt me twice. We cant all be kind enough to push all our feelings aside, to please people. My youngest had a boy with autism (non verbal) who loved following her around. She didn't mind, until he started hitting her in the face. Apparently he did this when ever he felt frustrated. Well I'm sorry but it's not my child's responsibility to regulate, or manage a disabled persons violent actions. His mum and I were good friends. I had to stop the play dates, tried hanging out just us. But she kept circling back to the same thing, bring x over my sob wants to see her! I just stopped seeing her in the end. I'm not teaching my daughter to be a people pleaser. Her feelings matter and she does not deserve to get hurt, again and again. You will make another mum friend.

TeenDivided · 06/02/2024 12:36

Smellslikesummer · 06/02/2024 12:29

Would you ‘try again’ if someone bit your face??

Show quote history

However I didn't say she should, I said how does she feel.

To my mind it would depend on how much she liked the other child other than their violence, and whether the parents on both sides were able to supervise to keep her safe.

I sort of feel that if steps had been put in place earlier the DD wouldn't have reached this point.

CaramelMac · 06/02/2024 12:37

Perhaps the mum should try and find her daughter a friendship group of other children with similar abilities, I know that might sound harsh but frankly children aren’t going to want to be friends with someone who hurts them whether it was intended with malice or not and that’s only going to get worse as she gets older.

Shinyandnew1 · 06/02/2024 12:41

Fast forward to this weekend we went for a group meal with other friends and our children. My daughter wouldn't acknowledge her daughter

You shouldn’t have taken your daughter out for this meal with the other child. If you want to stay friends with the parents, that’s a completely separate matter.

Your daughter not acknowledging hers was very rude of her though.

clpsmum · 06/02/2024 12:42

@Dozycuntlaters yes if they had special needs and it was done because of those challenges and not to be nasty. I have, I do and I would. The parent is aware of the child's needs and outbursts and encouraged the friendship anyway.

falafelover · 06/02/2024 12:42

I have asked her a couple of times would she consider being her friend but doesn't have to go to her house and she will not change her mind. She said "I don't want to be friends with someone that hurts me anymore".

What more do you need to hear? The kid hurt your daughter, who is rightfully standing her ground. Be on your daughter's side. And stop forcing her to see this child in any scenario.

clpsmum · 06/02/2024 12:43

@HiItsMeImTheProblemItsMe yes I have, I do and I would in this situation. The child has Sen

clpsmum · 06/02/2024 12:44

I actually find it really said reading through this the lack of understanding of Sen. Ok not saying the children need to be friends they don't but this child do not injure to be nasty

bradpittsbathwater · 06/02/2024 12:45

clpsmum · 06/02/2024 12:44

I actually find it really said reading through this the lack of understanding of Sen. Ok not saying the children need to be friends they don't but this child do not injure to be nasty

Most people aren't saying that. They are agreeing that ops daughter shouldn't be friends with someone she doesn't want to be friends with.

ElevenSeven · 06/02/2024 12:46

clpsmum · 06/02/2024 12:43

@HiItsMeImTheProblemItsMe yes I have, I do and I would in this situation. The child has Sen

That isn’t a licence to be violent yet others have to go back for more.

Also depends what kind of ‘acknowledgement’ the child was trying to get. At their age, it’s likely to be wanting them to play with them. OP’s child is more than within her rights to say no. Silence is a child saying no, especially when it’s been difficult in the past.

Dontbeme · 06/02/2024 12:50

This child has repeatedly hurt your DD and DD now doesn't want to be friends, yet you keep putting your DD in situations with this child all while claiming to support your DD decision to keep distance from this other girl. Then yet again you place your DD in a group situation with this other girl, your DD tries to get distance from her so the other mother kicks off at your DD in the restaurant.

I have asked her a couple of times would she consider being her friend but doesn't have to go to her house and she will not change her mind. She said "I don't want to be friends with someone that hurts me anymore".

To top it all off you keep trying to pressure your DD to be friends with this girl, why? I find this the saddest part of the whole thing, that your DD has to advocate so strongly for herself while you try to please this other woman, stop placing your DD to be used as a punching bag.

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 06/02/2024 12:55

@clpsmum as an adult I would ignore and avoid someone who has physically injured me on more than one occasion.
Never mind a 7 year old CHILD.
The mistake was both the children being taken out for a meal with friends when it was all so fresh.
I agree with everyone saying that the OPs daughter has boundaries and shouldn't be forced into a friendship where someone physically hurts them.
As an adult you don't expect this....so why on earth would it be ok for children???

wherearemywellingtons · 06/02/2024 12:56

I am shocked by people saying that you should encourage your daughter to interact with hers, or to have supervised play times! Absolutely disgusting to teach a little girl that she needs to tolerate being physically abused by another person and that her feelings on the matter aren't important. Respect your daughter and her boundaries! She is putting up healthy boundaries to protect herself from someone who has caused her physical pain on several occasions and she should be encouraged to do so. What kind of dangerous and confusing message would you be sending her if you ask her to remain friends with the person who has hurt her repeatedly? Just keep her away from the other little girl.

wherearemywellingtons · 06/02/2024 12:57

I'm actually shocked that you took her for a meal with a child who BIT her and threw a heavy object at her head leading her to need medical attention! The poor child!

wronginalltherightways · 06/02/2024 12:57

Of course she was out of order for shouting but I think you need to be a bit more understanding about how difficult it is to have a child with SEN. Just say to her “I’m sorry this is how it’s turned out but X has hurt my daughter and now my daughter needs some time away”.

I'm sorry, but I completely disagree. Of course it's difficult to have a child with SEN, and people get that. But there is ZERO excuse for shouting at someone else's 7 YEAR OLD for not wanting to be friends with their child anymore (because their child has repeatedly hurt said 7 year old). Zero excuse. And then to double down on their behaviour? No, just no.

OP had made it clear that her daughter was done with the friendship, and reprimanded her when she was unkind about the girl after ending the friendship (for very valid reasons), and the mother still decided to shout at a 7 seven year old because she clearly meant it when she wouldn't engage with her daughter.

betterangels · 06/02/2024 12:58

Dontbeme · 06/02/2024 12:50

This child has repeatedly hurt your DD and DD now doesn't want to be friends, yet you keep putting your DD in situations with this child all while claiming to support your DD decision to keep distance from this other girl. Then yet again you place your DD in a group situation with this other girl, your DD tries to get distance from her so the other mother kicks off at your DD in the restaurant.

I have asked her a couple of times would she consider being her friend but doesn't have to go to her house and she will not change her mind. She said "I don't want to be friends with someone that hurts me anymore".

To top it all off you keep trying to pressure your DD to be friends with this girl, why? I find this the saddest part of the whole thing, that your DD has to advocate so strongly for herself while you try to please this other woman, stop placing your DD to be used as a punching bag.

A million times this.

Notchangingnameagain · 06/02/2024 12:59

They absolutely do not have to be friends.

Your child has been unkind.

The other child has been violent.

The other parents age and the number of children she has is irrelevant and you have come across as thinking you are superior to her.

If they can’t rub alongside each other, the social events are not going to work.