Friend very upset by my daughter

[Tryandtryagain02]

My 7 year old daughter befriended another little girl in her class over the summer and her mum and I have consequently become friends. The little girl has autism which I'd say is mild. Anyway, during the summer there was an incident where my daughter was playing at her house but had to go home soon as I was picking her up - the other child got very upset and threw a glass candle at the back of head resulting in it having to be glued. There have been other incidents including hair pulling, slapping and grabbing. I have a brother with severe autism and global developmental delay so I knew from experience that the child was most like taking her frustrations out on my daughter physically as she was unable to verbalise this. Her mum was equally very upset and told her daughter off and made her apologise as well bought my daughter a gift.

However, a few weeks ago my daughter was at a sleepover with her and a few other friends and the child bit her on the face. Ever since my daughter said she does not want to be friends with her which I accepted and agreed to as I don't blame her and think she has tolerated a lot. The girls mum has taken this very much to heart and was upset when my daughter in retaliation wrote a note at school to say the other girl was "stupid" and "can't read". I was very upset and she was told off for this as its unacceptable regardless of whether the other child hurt her but I could equally understand she is angry. Fast forward to this weekend we went for a group meal with other friends and our children. My daughter wouldn't acknowledge her daughter and she became very angry shouting saying my daughter was trying to isolate her and take her away from other children and started crying all whilst staring at my 7 year old. I didn't react to her at this point. I thought about it all evening and decided to send her a message the following morning explaining that she was completely out of order for her behaviour and if my daughter doesn't want to be friends then she has to accept that but she carried on saying how would I like it if my daughter had no friends and that there was no malice in her behaviour. It ended up in a debate which resulted in her phoning me to apologise but still attempt to justify her daughters behaviour. I'm still really angry this has happened as I think I've been very understanding and kind to her considering what has happened previously. But my other friend thinks I should send her a message to see how she is as it's her only child who she had in my early 40s and therefore isn't as experienced (I have 3 children). I don't know what to do?

I would try and give the mother and daughter a wide birth going forward and try and encourage your daughter to make some new friends.

Also this.

AS adults, we encourage people to walk away from violent or abusive relationships. We report people for assaulting us.

Schools and parents, though, seem to spend too much time trying to get people to forgive and forget violent behaviour directed at them. Sorry, but no!

Initially I thought the gluing referred to the candle, not your child's head!

It all sounds really difficult but it does not excuse an adult for calling out a 7-year-old in public. I understand her 7-year-old feels more vulnerable to her, but your child is also only 7 navigating a difficult situation.

I would just back away. Your child does not have to be friends with them, although should be encouraged to be polite (and never mean). Both of the injuries you have highlighted are quite significant on a 7-year-old and I can understand why your daughter does not want to play with the other child any longer.

No the reason why I mentioned her age was because my friend said she was a first time parent in her 40s who has less experience than me as I have 3 children and she only has 1. I don't think I am superior to her in any way.

No!

The only thing OP’s daughter would be doing by interacting with this girl would be risking coming to harm again. The reasoning for her behaviour doesn’t matter, it’s the outcome that should be considered.

Exactly this, time and again on these boards women living in violent relationships seek advice and someone pops up to ask "Why don't you just leave" and it's because we have been conditioned from day one to "Be nice, be kind", we are judged for not being understanding to those that hurt us, and then face judgement for not leaving.

OP this is why I'm wondering what has happened in your own life that you aren't horrified at the idea of your own child being subjected to violence and verbal aggression from this child's mother. Please protect your DD, don't teach her to accept being someone's punching bag.

You mention that the glass candle incident happened at her house, so I would also have safety concerns about going back there again. The parents shouldn’t having objects like that around if their DD is at risk of throwing them.

Agreed! I let my daughter take the lead and make the decisions about her friendship with this child. If I had of stopped the friendship at the beginning (which she didn't want) then being her strong-willed self would have had a tantrum that I wasn't allowing the friendship. It was a difficult situation to be in and I have made mistakes. But I have NOT forced her to be friends with the child and once she said NO I asked her a few times would she reconsider (another mistake) she has said no and I have stood by her decision ever since.

You seem sure that the girls autism is mild but girls are great at masking and what you are describing could easily be a child with more serious ND behaviour than you are realising. I know your neither is autistic but that isn’t a benchmark of how autism shows. Two of my children are autistic and it shows in opposing ways.

Neither girls have behaved well in the situation you describe although one is possibly due to being neurodivergent and the other one (your daughter) not being protected.

Regardless your daughter, her safely and her well-being need to be your top priority. I don’t think the number of children you have or age you have them is relevant. I would leave things as they are now.

Not sure what the fuss is, your daughter doesn’t want to be her friend and you agree with her decision. You just block the other woman and encourage your daughter not to write notes about people.

Sounds completely fine

The mum sounds like someone I'd avoid completely. I wouldn't have met up knowing my dd didn't want to be around her dd! I think that was always going ot end badly. But the mum crying at your dd is just odd, regardless of her DD's autism. Unless the mum is also ND, that was bizarre behaviour. I wouldn't go near her.

Unwise of you to socialise together when your daughter has already made her wishes clear and you support her boundaries (rightfully so). It was never going to end well, was it? Allowing a situation where one girl will not play and the other girl and her mother were bound to be upset at this. Just avoid these situations in future. What else can you do.

Honestly, OP… from the very first incident I would have put a stop to the friendship.

You cannot risk the safety of your child in an attempt to be ‘inclusive’ or ‘understanding’ - I don’t believe in that.

It’s up to you as your dcs guardian to keep her safe, and teach her that when others hurt us, we are wiser to pull away. Poor child has now been bitten and is being slandered!

Of course your DD shouldn’t be friends with this girl but I’m despairing yet again about people linking ASD with violence. It isn’t fair to those of us who are very gentle. My DS would have been in floods of tears even witnessing that incident.

Good for your DD! She is developing healthy boundaries. I always cut off people who are mean to me. I don't care that their dog died, their mother or father got ill or that they have some other condition - they don't get to take that out on me. Sorry. If they apologise and change their ways then I might give them another chance. It took me ages to learn to do this and your daughter is already there aged 7. I am impressed. You're a good mum for telling your daughter that she can't say anything nasty about the other kid, but you're also right to respect her feelings.

Perhaps in time the other child will change her behaviour and your daughter may reassess the situation accordingly.

Fast forward to this weekend we went for a group meal with other friends and our children

^

For the love of Christ, why???

Your daughter is absolutely right not to want to be friends with someone who hurts her, and quite badly at times. I am surprised you would support the friendship continuing really.
Your daughter was wrong with the notes and you have quite rightly addressed that and it has been dealt with.
Unfortunately the parent of the other child needs to look at ways to stop her own daughter hurting other children. She is not going to make or keep any friends in the future if this continues. That isn't your fault or responsibility at all though. You have nothing to apologise for.

Nothing good will come from forcing a relationship between these two 7 year olds.

You've made it clear not to write letters - and it's likely with less attacks on her your DD won't feel need to.

Do not take them to any future events where they may interact - for many years. Also not impressed by other mother's behavior towards your 7 year old - however inexperience worried or upset she is. I'd look for distance with the mother as well.

In end your focus should be on your DD - she shouldn't be told or encouraged to be friends with people physically violent towards her - that is not a lesson you want to teach her. The reason for the violence shouldn't be a consideration to you or her - you do not want her internalising justification of others being allowed to hurt her.

I'd ignore friend input wanting you to make up with this mother and child - it's not their child being hurt and people will try and justify appalling behavior if it doesn't directly affect them. This woman and her child are not your responsibility your DD is. So I'd suggest you avoid both of them going forward.

You’ve done the right thing! Your daughter needs to know you hear her and respect her wishes. Stay well clear the mom is clearly projecting all the issues and worries she has for her daughter on to yours. Well done for respecting your daughter and distancing yourselves. Clearly it’s the only way.

this woman was so wrong to start shouting at your daughter - your daughter is a child end of. Yea your daughter shouldn’t have wrote notes etc but you’ve addressed that appropriately with her. If this mom doesn’t find a way to stop her daughter lashing out other moms will also do what you have done if and when their child is hurt by this girl - it’s a no brainer when it comes to your child’s safety.

your daughter is right for saying she doesn’t want to be friends. She is probably worried that by saying hello you’re opening up a gateway to friendship again. I don’t make my daughter interact with anyone she doesn’t want to - boundaries.

Your only mistake was continuing your friendship with the mom & letting your daughter be around this girl on multiple occasions after she’s been physically hurt by her.

I would also speak to school and say that you do not feel comfortable with them being in same class or near each other as your daughter always ends up hurt.

It’s awkward but arrange play dates with the other kids to maintain your child’s friendships maybe 1-1 play dates etc. also there will come a time where another child is hurt by her then the other parents will do doubt do the same thing as you. it’s sad but you can’t risk your child’s safety any more than you already have.

What and you acknowledge and spend time people that throw hard objects at your head and land you in A&E?
The OP is the adult here and would be quite right to keep her daughter away from this violent child for her own protection. There are plenty of nice children out there she cam be friends with without risking an unnecessary injury.

Your dd should not be friends with this child. I would explain to dd she doesn't have to be friends with her but she has to be polite when in a group situation such as group dinner, at school etc.

As for the mum you have been forgiving and understanding of her dd's violence on more than one occasion and she can't overlook your dd being rude. Although I am not sure why you didnt step in at this point and tell dd to say hello?

That said mum crying or shouting at your dd is not on. If feeling generous I would take that as a sign of mum struggling and for the sake of wider group harmony i would accept apology and let it blow over but keeping friendship with her and dd at a distance.

I would have been fuming at the mother, a grown woman shouting at a 7 year old it not acceptable at all. I really don't think I would have said nothing at the dinner, I would have at least told her to shut her mouth.

I know very little about SEN, but would try and understand be compassionate. That said, the little girl caused a serious injury to your daughter, then bit her on the face. I don't blame her for not wanting to be friends with her.

You handled the note thing very well. That was nasty and unnecessary but I'm sure your DD understands that now. To my adult horror, I remember saying mean things to someone when I was about that age, she was so so upset. It taught me my words could hurt someone and to mind what I did with them.

Her daughter wasn’t being rude she clearly just didn’t feel interacting with her in any way was safe or it would invite unwelcome interaction with this girl and I don’t blame her. My daughter will not interact with people she doesn’t feel comfortable with and I dont make her. I definitely wouldn’t make her say hello to someone that she’s scared of. What’s that teaching her, this girl has hurt you but you got to say hello to her and risk conversation. Hell no.