Friend very upset by my daughter

[Tryandtryagain02]

My 7 year old daughter befriended another little girl in her class over the summer and her mum and I have consequently become friends. The little girl has autism which I'd say is mild. Anyway, during the summer there was an incident where my daughter was playing at her house but had to go home soon as I was picking her up - the other child got very upset and threw a glass candle at the back of head resulting in it having to be glued. There have been other incidents including hair pulling, slapping and grabbing. I have a brother with severe autism and global developmental delay so I knew from experience that the child was most like taking her frustrations out on my daughter physically as she was unable to verbalise this. Her mum was equally very upset and told her daughter off and made her apologise as well bought my daughter a gift.

However, a few weeks ago my daughter was at a sleepover with her and a few other friends and the child bit her on the face. Ever since my daughter said she does not want to be friends with her which I accepted and agreed to as I don't blame her and think she has tolerated a lot. The girls mum has taken this very much to heart and was upset when my daughter in retaliation wrote a note at school to say the other girl was "stupid" and "can't read". I was very upset and she was told off for this as its unacceptable regardless of whether the other child hurt her but I could equally understand she is angry. Fast forward to this weekend we went for a group meal with other friends and our children. My daughter wouldn't acknowledge her daughter and she became very angry shouting saying my daughter was trying to isolate her and take her away from other children and started crying all whilst staring at my 7 year old. I didn't react to her at this point. I thought about it all evening and decided to send her a message the following morning explaining that she was completely out of order for her behaviour and if my daughter doesn't want to be friends then she has to accept that but she carried on saying how would I like it if my daughter had no friends and that there was no malice in her behaviour. It ended up in a debate which resulted in her phoning me to apologise but still attempt to justify her daughters behaviour. I'm still really angry this has happened as I think I've been very understanding and kind to her considering what has happened previously. But my other friend thinks I should send her a message to see how she is as it's her only child who she had in my early 40s and therefore isn't as experienced (I have 3 children). I don't know what to do?

I think I would follow your daughters example and set boundaries with the mother!

Your friend's daughter expressed herself (repeatedly) by physical assault.
Your friend (adult) expressed herself by a public tantrum.
Your seven year old expressed herself (after putting up with far more than most adults would) by writing her thoughts, which I think she should be allowed to do, and making them public, which she shouldn't.
I think your daughter is coming out as the most understandable in this situation.

Is it because of your brother that you are expecting your daughter to be so patient?

Blimey. You should have stopped seeing the child after she threw a glass candle at the back of your DDs head. There's no excuse for that!

@Tryandtryagain02

She said "I don't want to be friends with someone that hurts me anymore".

And that's perfectly fine for your daughter to say this, even at such a young age. As an adult I wouldn't want to have anything to do with anyone who hurt me either. 🌹

Your DD has the right to feel safe. She absolutely doesn't have to be friends if she doesn't want to. But she does have to remember that the other little girl isn't being autistic on purpose - it's not malice that's driven her behaviour, and in turn your daughter still needs to be civil.

As a SEN parent, it HURTS to know your child is lonely, and it's not surprising her mum is upset but she still can't force your daughter to be friends with hers. Give her some space and time, and she'll probably come round.

I have a child with autism and he struggles with friendships, but thankfully has not been violent.

I would say the OPs child has put up with a very great deal more than she ought. She has been injured twice. As a mother of a child with a variety of issues I understand how upsetting it is when other people shun your child- but the child has HURT the OPs daughter.

I think the OP is right to distance herself. Her priority is her own child. The OP can be as gentle as possible with a mother and child, but there is no way she should be expected to continue a friendship that has physically harmed her daughter.

I have explained to my daughter that retaliating is wrong and that she should be kind regardless of what has happened.

She didn’t retaliate, that would have been hitting back. She expressed her upset and frustration in a short note. Not ideal but not in the same universe as injuring someone so badly they need their head gluing back together.

Being kind however badly you’re being treated is not a good lesson. Do you think you’d have been as tolerant if it was a boy attacking her? Being kind is not an appropriate reaction to being physically assaulted. How can you tell her to have boundaries around her own comfort and safety - lessons which are essential as she grows up - if once they’re tested you’d prefer her to be kind than stick up for herself. You can’t.

I think you could send a message saying something like the situation has been stressful for all, that you hope she is OK and that you think it's best if you avoid any joint outings for the time being as you support your daughter's wishes not to be friends with her DD.
And then I'd just leave it and not engage further

@PosyPrettyToes my daughter hasn't ever mentioned that the little girl is autistic (I don't think she cares) and I have never highlighted it either. She has befriended her and treated her like she would any other child. I have had the child over after school many times and she hasn't once physically hurt her nor has she at school which also tells me that she is aware that her behaviour is unacceptable too. I'm not disregarding that her autism doesn't contribute to this but it also can't be used in her defence every single time.

Respect your daughter for setting her boundaries, it's fine to continue to ignore the other girl.

The note wasn't great, but people don't always make the best choices when they have been repeatedly hurt.

DS1 has a small scar from a similar friend at age 7.

I agree with your friend, id also just send a kind message saying you hope she’s ok and check in with her, don’t refer to the kids, but if it does, just say you think it’s better they stay apart at this point.

i also think uou need to stop asking your kid if she is sure she doesn’t wish to be friends, it’s not good when your 7 year old has better boundaries than you do.

It’s ok not to be friends but your dd needs to be polite. Explain to her how there are people in her class that she doesn’t know well or play with. She will treat them politely because that’s how she wants to be treated by people that she doesn’t know well too.
Block the mum. She’s not going to see your pov and that’s fine. She’s in a difficult situation so I understand why she’s sticking up for her dd in the same way that you are sticking up for yours. Reassure dd that she’s done nothing wrong by not engaging at the meal. It’s the only way to deal with things sometimes.

@AnneLovesGilbert we're talking about two 7 year old girls here. She did retaliate and what did she achieve by writing the note? Absolutely nothing. I am not teaching her that being kind is then approval of the physical harm. What I am saying is I stand firm with her decision, set boundaries and to not continue the friendship but the best way is to walk away and that would apply to any similar situations.

Technically retaliate means to attack back in kind. She didn’t retaliate, the poster is correct. She took revenge, yes, she attacked in a different way. At a later point, and honestly tried to bully a bit. But I suspect you think retaliate means something different to what it does.

@Janetime yes I meant she took revenge.

You don't have to put up with this op nor does your dd. My ds is 7 asd hasn't bit anyone or thrown glass. He does have meltdowns but we try and manage thrm. But we ensure he wouldn't bite anyone or throw anything dangerous such as glass though. The dm needs to look at behaviours and why they are happening she shouldnt be throwing glass imagine if it blinded your dd or biting leaving facial scarring.

I would step away.

Keep in mind this is a 7yr old struggling to communicate and this will.(hopefully) change and they might reconnect in older years.
I'm not saying you engineer anything, perhaps just avoid a huge fall out between adults because 5 yrs down the line they might be in the same social circle.

My DS is autistic & ADHD and at infant school would react violently because he couldn't communicate/handle his feelings. Upsettingly 1 of his friends got the brunt of it. Friendship ended (agreed by all parents and the poor friend). I was sad, my DS was sad. But it wasn't fair.

Now in secondary school they've reconnected. My DS has developed strategies for managing his feelings. The other boy holds no grudge.

Would you have the same approach towards and adult attacking another adult? Advise a woman who has been battered senseless by an abusive partner to reconsider ending the relationship?
No?
So why are you trying to force your daughter to endure behaviour like this?
Give your head a wobble!!

You’ve got the heading wrong, it should be ‘dd very upset by her friend’. Protect your daughter, perhaps a gentle conversation about the fact that sending the note was wrong but you are sorry for making her feel she had to be friends with her. Oh, and you don’t always have to be kind. Polite, maybe, but sometimes it’s ok to put yourself first.

If another child had put mine in A&E I would be keeping her well away for her own protection. Your poor child has put up with so much and says she doesn’t want to be friends, and I don’t blame her. Don’t let her get any more upset and let her enjoy her nice friends. At 7 she isn’t obliged to accommodate anyone.

She did all that.

☝️

Thanks for all your replies. I tried to deal with the situation in the best way I could and thought I was doing the right thing. I've probably made some mistakes and there are lessons learned. Its for the best that I keep the boundaries in place and if the girls decide to become friends in the future then great, but for now step away.

Your friend is very upset because it's really hard to see your children struggling so much with friendships. However that's not your responsibility. You can empathise but your DD has set her boundaries and all the adults need to respect that. I wouldn't do group playdates or meals for the time being, it might be that it's manageable again in the future but putting them together in a small group is going to mean someone gets left out or upset, or worse hurt again.

Follow your daughter's lead. Don't make her go to parties she doesn't want to or be friends with people she doesn't like.
Wouldn't life be better if we could all do this?