Friend very upset by my daughter

[Tryandtryagain02]

My 7 year old daughter befriended another little girl in her class over the summer and her mum and I have consequently become friends. The little girl has autism which I'd say is mild. Anyway, during the summer there was an incident where my daughter was playing at her house but had to go home soon as I was picking her up - the other child got very upset and threw a glass candle at the back of head resulting in it having to be glued. There have been other incidents including hair pulling, slapping and grabbing. I have a brother with severe autism and global developmental delay so I knew from experience that the child was most like taking her frustrations out on my daughter physically as she was unable to verbalise this. Her mum was equally very upset and told her daughter off and made her apologise as well bought my daughter a gift.

However, a few weeks ago my daughter was at a sleepover with her and a few other friends and the child bit her on the face. Ever since my daughter said she does not want to be friends with her which I accepted and agreed to as I don't blame her and think she has tolerated a lot. The girls mum has taken this very much to heart and was upset when my daughter in retaliation wrote a note at school to say the other girl was "stupid" and "can't read". I was very upset and she was told off for this as its unacceptable regardless of whether the other child hurt her but I could equally understand she is angry. Fast forward to this weekend we went for a group meal with other friends and our children. My daughter wouldn't acknowledge her daughter and she became very angry shouting saying my daughter was trying to isolate her and take her away from other children and started crying all whilst staring at my 7 year old. I didn't react to her at this point. I thought about it all evening and decided to send her a message the following morning explaining that she was completely out of order for her behaviour and if my daughter doesn't want to be friends then she has to accept that but she carried on saying how would I like it if my daughter had no friends and that there was no malice in her behaviour. It ended up in a debate which resulted in her phoning me to apologise but still attempt to justify her daughters behaviour. I'm still really angry this has happened as I think I've been very understanding and kind to her considering what has happened previously. But my other friend thinks I should send her a message to see how she is as it's her only child who she had in my early 40s and therefore isn't as experienced (I have 3 children). I don't know what to do?

This! This child has been attacked more then once. Of course she doesn't want to be friends. Why teach a child you have to put up with because special needs etc. I dislike when people have that attitude because then it makes people who don't know better think all children or people with special needs do this and it should be tolerated. It's not fair to people with special needs to be all lumped together. Op's daughter rightly so does not want to be friends. I think it's a popular thing these days where people preach inclusion however how many are going to be fine with their child having to have there scalp injury glued and face biting and encourage the child to stay in the friendship?

The other mum is probably just gutted over it, it's so lonely being a sen parent. But ultimately I don't blame you/your DD.

You shouldn’t have allowed your daughter not to acknowledge the other child at lunch - that’s incredibly rude.

She obviously doesn’t need to be friends with this other kid. You don’t need to respond to the mother, because there is no solution to this.

Don’t engage with your friends on this. It will pass.

How should she have encouraged her daughter to engage with the girl who bites her, pulls her hair, slaps her and hits her over the head that hard that she ends up in hospital? Say hi with a friendly smile? Genuine question, I'm not being snarky. I honestly can't think of how i would act around someone who had assaulted me on numerous occasions and even put me in hospital, bar completely blanking them. Blanking them would be me being nice.

That's why I don't get why these girls were expected to be at a meal together after the violent incidents.

She is just a 7 year old kid, who has been hurt repeatedly by the other kid.
She is not mean.

Also, is she had bitten her back as reaction, would that be ok thing to do in self defence? At least OP's dd didnt do that.

I'm a mum of two kids with autism and it's really hard to watch them struggle to make and keep friendships, however the mum was out of order shouting at you like that. It's tough and it sucks and if your child was being a bitch to her child then that's a whole different story but your child just saying I don't want to be friends whilst sad is OK and you should support her in that. Yes your child writing the note was shitty but she's 7 she was hurt and she wanted to hurt the other kid, that behaviour you nip in the bud straight away, which you did. You teach your kid to be kind but to have their boundaries. I would consider continuing your friendship with the mum only if she can accept that your friendship is totally seperate to the kids being friends and she apologises for her overreaction. Yeah it's tough being her, I am her but that's no excuse, if she was just pushed past her breaking point (as we all can be at times) and accepts she took it out on you unfairly then move on and offer her support, parenting is tough regardless of additional needs and we all need support

My nephew has ODD and is quite frankly out of control. Currently being homeschooled because kids his age and school staff wouldn’t go near him out of fear of injury. He is the same age as my youngest and my son knew from an early age he didn’t want to be around him after aggressive shouting, toy throwing, not sharing, violent outbursts, tantrums where he’d destroy furniture with zero discipline at the end. He’s hurt my eldest son and scared my youngest witless. Very stressful just being in the same room as him and his parents are wet wipes and don’t discipline (the root cause of his issues). Our son told us 3 years ago that he was scared of his cousin and didn’t want to play with him and having seen what his cousin is capable of, we have gone with it.
MIL likes us to host a garden party every year so everyone can get together. We have the bigger house, outdoor trampoline etc. Last year we didn’t allow it and shipped our kids off to other grandparents for the day the previous year and we told her why. Our priority is the safety of our kids and with the lack of rules and discipline that comes with the nephew and all the in laws we won’t allow it. He just trashes our things, he’s really loud and violent. The first garden party we hosted he shat on our lawn in protest over being asked not to upend my potted plants and throw them at my DH, MIL laughed so’s not to induce a meltdown.
Our sons know their cousin has difficulties but find it hard to be compassionate. They do try their hardest.

I can see both sides. My daughter is autistic but has quite a lot of friends and doesn’t have any behaviour issues outside of the home. In her friend group is another autistic girl who she’s known since birth as I went to school with the mu so we did baby groups etc together. The other girl has issues around friendships and often gets into arguments. She has been bullied by other girls but also instigates alot of friendship issues. My daughter doesn’t particularly want to be her friend and I’ve told her she doesn’t have to. They have opposite traits and clash a bit but have similar interests hobby wise.
I have also told her to just be nice to her when she’s around and not be nasty or horrible etc. To definitely not get involved if others are being horrible and to distance herself from any bother. it’s hard for them at all ages to be able to separate themselves from others when one wants to be friends and another doesn’t. But they do have choices at the end of the day. The things that upset my daughter about the other child are part of their ASD traits. They are different traits and my daughters traits mean she can’t tolerate the other child’s traits but we can’t complain about them as the parent gets upset and says that it’s their disability and not their fault and it’s discrimination etc. Think along the lines of one child who hates being touched and another child who can’t take their hands off people and are always on someone’s personal space. Both traits are valid and they need to agree to disagree but they find that bit hard.

Think along the lines of one child who hates being touched and another child who can’t take their hands off people and are always on someone’s personal space. Both traits are valid and they need to agree to disagree but they find that bit hard.

No, sorry - someone’s right not to be touched always trumps someone’s desire to touch, regardless of SEN

Support your daughter’s decision and stop socialising with them. She doesn’t like how she gets treat by her and is trying to set some boundaries. The mother may be struggling with her daughter’s interactions but as awful as it sounds that isn’t yours or your daughter’s problem. Stop putting her in situations where she is getting assaulted.

I am so very sorry this has happened. I feel desperately sorry for both mums involved. It is extremely important for us all on the outside to remember that the children are only 7 years old. Also at 7 and perhaps especially for girls, it can be very important age to have friends.

I have both taught this age group, then after changing career, done work with Autism and people on the AS.

I do hope the school is doing all it can for the child on the AS. Losing self-esteem now will be the beginning of a slippery slope. I feel so distressed for her mum too. No doubt life at home is no easy ride. This only child was probably longed for and perhaps long-awaited and then seems to have arrived with Autism type behaviour. This is agonising for parents, especially if their child was responsive and smiling as a baby then stopped being so at about two years, withdrawing and having tantrums, being distressed for no explainable reason. Her mum must feel pain when she sees other children hitting their mile stones, and other families with two or three children all doing well at school. Then her little one bites and hurts others and she has to explain all over again about AS...

Our OP has coped so well in this really difficult situation. How awful it must be to have your child physically hurt by another and then, when hurt again and pushed too far, how hard it is for our OP when her child retaliates against her attacker who is the Special Needs Child! The very child we are all supposed to give time and patience to! But do remember the bitten child is only 7. At seven she has already coped above and beyond and this is just too much.

These are just children and Mums' feelings are incredibly sensitive. All of us need to give them time and understanding and as much comfort as we can. I think the situation is one which time will heal so long as it is given time. Both little girls and both mums need a lot of love right now. Both have coped so well and neither deserves to be judged. There's absolutely nothing to discuss and definitely nothing to argue about. Nobody is in the wrong. Children get upset and act out. We deal with it and teach them love. Love is learned from experience.

I really do hope the two mums can become friends again. Start by deciding not to let the children come between you! Seeing their mums chatting and laughing together would be such a good example and encouragement for the little girls.

Please forgive me if I am saying the obvious. I am a Granny, the survivor of two Traumas, and have had a lot of things happen. I feel so much that I want to hug these two mums. The little girls just need to be given space and time, time to grow in confidence and lots of love . As time goes by I do hope they will be friends again.

Would you want to be friends with someone who hurts you? It’s not a good thing to teach.

Your daughter can be pleasant, say morning, acknowledge her etc but she’s doesn’t have to be friends.

Being abused by anyone once is unacceptable, twice is where you draw the line and although writing notes isn't helpful, your child has boundaries and that is good. I feel for the other mum but would she be accepting if your child had done the same. People saying to try again are wrong and buying a goft to say sorry.... just no. Would they say the same thing if it was an adult relationship? It makes me think of DV situations where a gift is given to say sorry. You know that this will continue to happen and could have lasting damage.

I wouldn’t tolerate another parent speaking to my daughter that way. I think you need to back your daughter up and support her decision not to be friends with someone who physically abuses her. I think you should back away from the mother too. You don’t need this drama and antagonism in your lives.

A girl at school bit my daughter when they were both 8. Far too old for biting. It turned out it wasn’t the first time. I was gracious about it to the mother who then turned on me and sent some horrible messages about my child. The school put the girls in separate classes this year and sure enough, the girl who bit my daughter has started on someone else. Parents called in etc.

Sometimes you just need to steer clear and move on.

I really feel for you BooBooDoodle ·

I went through exactly this with a nephew and to a lesser extent his younger brother.

I am so glad you pointed out that there was no discipline ever given by his 'wet wipe' parents and that you believe this is the root cause of his issues. I can honestly say it was the same with the boy who was encouraged to vandalise everything in sight, hurt his younger cousins - girls - break their things including musical instruments, even going into a room where they were doing homework and he had been told to not enter.

Now he is an adult. He was fired from the one job he had when he threatened a co-worker with a knife. Of course he has a Police Record. He is a seriously addicted alcoholic and I have no idea how he pays for the amount he drinks all day. His brother was constantly beaten up by him when young and grew up to be a drug addict. He could be decent. However he is on drugs and gets violent.

With support from their mother they several times did something that I cannot say in public but it almost broke me as it concerned my mother in her advanced years with Alzheimer's. It was simply the worst crime you can imagine.

Despite my professional background, perhaps because of it, I get angry when people like the older one in particular get labelled with a condition and use it as an excuse to be a dangerous psychopathic thug which they are because their mummy is also a villain who let them have their own way with everything from day one and taught them they could never do wrong and the sun shone out of their backside.

Completely agree

I think that the mother does not have any help in how to deal with her child and also is allowing behavior just because they are autistic and because she doesn't know the best thing to do.
your daughter does not have to go over there, and I feel like you already handled the note writing thing for now. You may have to tackle it again if it comes up.
Acting like they are not autistic is not the best course. But that is an issue for the mother to figure out what will work best for having friends over. She needs to make an environment and set rules and boundaries to keep everyone safe. And she probably needs help with that. I took parent training; I don't know if that is a thing in the UK.
I do think that encouraging your daughter to be friendly in school is great. I also don't see how a birthday party would be an issue, but your daughter is frightened right now, so I think respecting her not wanting to do that is the best thing.
We all want to be inclusive, but there are times when, for everyone's safety, certain things need to happen first. Maybe you be there on the playdates to supervise if she wants to try again. And the other mother can look up how to have safe playdates with children who lash out at others.
But, yeah. There is a difference between avoiding someone that hurts you unintentionally and straight up bullying them. And she will be encouraged by classmates to engage in bullying behavior, so you may need to keep an ear and eye out for it.
that mother really does need some professional help though. She seems a bit in denial and/or overwhelmed. It is very overwhelming when you are dealing alone.

Right now I would completely leave the subject of them being friends alone. Of course our OP's child won't want to be friends with a child who hurt her!

I said above, this needs time. Lots of time. No pressure, no long conversations, No going over it unless the child - either one - needs to talk about it. Let them play with other friends for as long as it takes. As weeks, months, terms , holidays go by they will grow up. The OP's little one in particular will begin to understand more about special needs and how people with them are unable to understand things the same way. She may not be scared of the other child any more.

Just let things happen naturally and gently. Right now the two little girls need space between them and plenty of time to recover. But the mums can chat while their children are at school.

When my DS, who has additional and complex needs, was a child and hurt anyone else’s child resulting in that child/parent no longer wanting contact with us, I just accepted it. Yes I felt sad and isolated by the situation but a person really can’t expect other parents to allow their children to be repeatedly treated as punchbags just so their own child is included. It’s just the way it is.. one of the many many difficult factors in raising a special needs child.

It’s totally ok for you to keep your distance in the best interests of your daughter.

Your daughter does not need to be friends with this girl, or even like this girl, but she dies have to behave civilly towards her

My sons autistic. He is not being friends with anyone who cracks his head open and bites his face. That is awful behaviour. Your poor DD. I'd rather protect my child from being assaulted than keeping a random school mum happy.

A lot going on here. Your daughter does have to acknowledge the other girl, it's rude not to. She doesn't have to play with her. And you shouldn't put her in a position where she has to.

I'm not acknowledging anyone who repeatedly assaults me to the point I'm in hospital. Not when I'm 5, 15 or 50 years old.