Friend very upset by my daughter

[Tryandtryagain02]

My 7 year old daughter befriended another little girl in her class over the summer and her mum and I have consequently become friends. The little girl has autism which I'd say is mild. Anyway, during the summer there was an incident where my daughter was playing at her house but had to go home soon as I was picking her up - the other child got very upset and threw a glass candle at the back of head resulting in it having to be glued. There have been other incidents including hair pulling, slapping and grabbing. I have a brother with severe autism and global developmental delay so I knew from experience that the child was most like taking her frustrations out on my daughter physically as she was unable to verbalise this. Her mum was equally very upset and told her daughter off and made her apologise as well bought my daughter a gift.

However, a few weeks ago my daughter was at a sleepover with her and a few other friends and the child bit her on the face. Ever since my daughter said she does not want to be friends with her which I accepted and agreed to as I don't blame her and think she has tolerated a lot. The girls mum has taken this very much to heart and was upset when my daughter in retaliation wrote a note at school to say the other girl was "stupid" and "can't read". I was very upset and she was told off for this as its unacceptable regardless of whether the other child hurt her but I could equally understand she is angry. Fast forward to this weekend we went for a group meal with other friends and our children. My daughter wouldn't acknowledge her daughter and she became very angry shouting saying my daughter was trying to isolate her and take her away from other children and started crying all whilst staring at my 7 year old. I didn't react to her at this point. I thought about it all evening and decided to send her a message the following morning explaining that she was completely out of order for her behaviour and if my daughter doesn't want to be friends then she has to accept that but she carried on saying how would I like it if my daughter had no friends and that there was no malice in her behaviour. It ended up in a debate which resulted in her phoning me to apologise but still attempt to justify her daughters behaviour. I'm still really angry this has happened as I think I've been very understanding and kind to her considering what has happened previously. But my other friend thinks I should send her a message to see how she is as it's her only child who she had in my early 40s and therefore isn't as experienced (I have 3 children). I don't know what to do?

The fact that the other child is autistic is irrelevant to how you should approach this with your dd. Not because the autism doesn't explain the girl's behaviour (of course it does), but because it is your job to protect your child. That includes very clearly teaching her that she does not have to forgive, voluntarily spend time with, or be nice to, people who physically assault her (whatever their reason).

Inclusion ends at the point where someone gets hurt.
Your daughter isn't responsible for the other girl having friends or not but she should make sure she doesn't get involved at school trying to isolate the other girl or any other kind of bullying.

Your daughter comes first.

Stop letting the other mother guilt ntrip you.

Her daughter is dangerous. End of.

This reminds me of the threads we used to get regularly on here, about a friend/relatives child, always with autism, written in such a way as to encourage some other posters to write negative posts about individuals with autism. The OP always had example after example to produce because for some reason she needed other posters to keep telling her how bad the behaviour of the child with autism was.

Don't be so ridiculous!!

It's a shame but no way would I be allowing my child to be psychically hurt by another on purpose.
It seems like the mum understands but is hurt but she will have to address her daughter's behaviour is some way or this will repeats itself for a long time

It’s can be so hard to manage a child with autism as a parent, much less your dd.

You have done nothing wrong but protect your child, we would have stopped after the first two episodes. At least your dd felt empowered to end the friendship this way.

The parent WILL be devastated of course, it is because it’s so hard and so challenging, and she probably felt so relieved her dd made friends. I would explain to dd that the mother was crying because her child is struggling, and remind her it is not because of dd.

We would make our apologies this weekend, without lying, and do something fun and send dd in with a little gift on Monday so there are no hard feelings.

The mother has a tough road ahead, but this should never be your child’s problem.

I think if you were out for a meal together I wouldn’t have allowed my daughter to ignore her during the evening. You are sending mixed messages really. It is fine to tell your daughter she doesn’t have to be her friend or play with her. It sounds like she has put up with a lot from her. However, I think you then can’t go out with them for a meal and have a situation where one child is excluded.

Bit confused. Was it the mum doing the shouting?

What did everyone else do during the carry-on?

Your daughter has said she no longer wants to be friends with her. Even if she hadn’t been physically assaulted on more than one occasion, this should be respected. Forcing friendships on children ( particularly because your friends with the parent) and being over involved does no one any favours.

In this case the behaviour was bad. You can not allow a diagnosis to change something unacceptable into something that should be tolerated.

If other children also don’t want to be friends with this girl, it’s probably because they’ve seen how badly she can behave. Nothing to do with your daughter.

I have an autistic DD, she would freeze rather than act out but it sounds as if her DD needs a lot more supervision and guidance from her mum.

I had to dig deep and pull out my best children entertainer mode for play dates at this age, her DD is being parented a way that is throwing her out of her depth.

7 is young for sleepovers anyway, her DD is not ready. She is putting the responsibility for her DD learning social skills into other 7yos. It won't improve, don't put your DD into that position.

Your DD is right. She shouldn’t have to be friends with this girl and the fault isn’t hers, it’s the girl’s mum who’s not supervising her properly. Rather than messaging you, she should be supporting her daughter more.

I think you have handled it as best as you could really. I do feel sorry for the other mother, she was probably relying on your DD being the mainstay of her friendship group if she has social issues and knows this is something she is going to have to deal with on a on going basis. That's not your problem though and I think you have done more than enough. Most wouldn't have entertained a friendship after the first incident.
I would be nice but insistent that its up to your DD who she wants to be friends with and at the moment its not your DD. She won't bad mouth her or drag others away but for now they are better off keeping their distance

Ah well, the child has SEN so thats ok. Let's violate the OPs daughters boundaries, teach her that she still has to be nice to and keep people in her life that bite her, hit her, pull her hair, put her in hospital.

I have asked her a couple of times would she consider being her friend but doesn't have to go to her house and she will not change her mind. She said "I don't want to be friends with someone that hurts me anymore".

This is the kicker, OP.

Of course you've done the right thing in making it clear to DD that she must be civil, kind and not retaliate/take revenge for incidents but you cannot allow her to be treated like this, either. You need to support her in her decision.

My DS has ASD and it is heart breaking when other kids shun them, but you have to recognise how your child's behaviour affects others, especially if they sometimes lash out. It just cannot be tolerated and it does sound like your DD has gone through quite a lot.

Your dd does not have to be her friend but refusing to even acknowledge her at a large group event is very unkind. It will likely lead to isolation of her dd as others note your dds stance and take sides.

I agree. This child has injured her twice, so of course she doesn’t want to be friends, and nobody should be forcing her to be in the other child’s company.
I wouldn’t have apologised to the mother, who is being ridiculously dramatic.

It was the mum doing the shouting. I was honestly shocked and trying to comprehend was this even happening, I also thought as she started crying whilst shouting that by even answering her would most like escalate the situation and another friend hugged her.

You should respect your daughter's wishes and should definitely not force a friendship when it's not wanted.

I know she might be overwhelmed and overwrought but her behaviour is appalling in front of the children, and will be doing nothing to assist the regulation of her child - whom will be feeling even more anxious and unsafe.

I would avoid them tbh, not because I am unkind but because I wouldn’t want my child exposed to adults losing control like that. We all have terrible times but we are adults. She needs support and counselling. I would be kind but distant.

Would you as an adult, be friends with someone who continued to cause problems with you? Why should your daughter.

It was good while it worked. Time to move on and stop trying to fix something that can't be fixed.

I think you need to stand up for your daughter here OP.

She has been injured at least twice by this child. The two incidents sound quite bad, and shouted at by the girl's mother in public. These sound like quite unpleasant incidents for her and I'm not surprised if, at just 7, she reacted by ignoring the girl or writing an unpleasant note.

Your daughter is not required to be friends with this girl, does not (from the sounds of it) deserve to be shouted at by the girl's mother. As her mother, you need to protect her from these kinds of things, especially at such a young age.