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Original poster

Friend very upset by my daughter

209 replies

Tryandtryagain02 · 06/02/2024 09:53

My 7 year old daughter befriended another little girl in her class over the summer and her mum and I have consequently become friends. The little girl has autism which I'd say is mild. Anyway, during the summer there was an incident where my daughter was playing at her house but had to go home soon as I was picking her up - the other child got very upset and threw a glass candle at the back of head resulting in it having to be glued. There have been other incidents including hair pulling, slapping and grabbing. I have a brother with severe autism and global developmental delay so I knew from experience that the child was most like taking her frustrations out on my daughter physically as she was unable to verbalise this. Her mum was equally very upset and told her daughter off and made her apologise as well bought my daughter a gift.

However, a few weeks ago my daughter was at a sleepover with her and a few other friends and the child bit her on the face. Ever since my daughter said she does not want to be friends with her which I accepted and agreed to as I don't blame her and think she has tolerated a lot. The girls mum has taken this very much to heart and was upset when my daughter in retaliation wrote a note at school to say the other girl was "stupid" and "can't read". I was very upset and she was told off for this as its unacceptable regardless of whether the other child hurt her but I could equally understand she is angry. Fast forward to this weekend we went for a group meal with other friends and our children. My daughter wouldn't acknowledge her daughter and she became very angry shouting saying my daughter was trying to isolate her and take her away from other children and started crying all whilst staring at my 7 year old. I didn't react to her at this point. I thought about it all evening and decided to send her a message the following morning explaining that she was completely out of order for her behaviour and if my daughter doesn't want to be friends then she has to accept that but she carried on saying how would I like it if my daughter had no friends and that there was no malice in her behaviour. It ended up in a debate which resulted in her phoning me to apologise but still attempt to justify her daughters behaviour. I'm still really angry this has happened as I think I've been very understanding and kind to her considering what has happened previously. But my other friend thinks I should send her a message to see how she is as it's her only child who she had in my early 40s and therefore isn't as experienced (I have 3 children). I don't know what to do?

OP posts:
HiItsMeImTheProblemItsMe · 07/02/2024 22:01

VampireWeekday · 07/02/2024 21:19

A lot going on here. Your daughter does have to acknowledge the other girl, it's rude not to. She doesn't have to play with her. And you shouldn't put her in a position where she has to.

Would you acknowledge someone who had repeatedly assaulted you and put you in hospital? Because I wouldn't.

VampireWeekday · 07/02/2024 22:20

HiItsMeImTheProblemItsMe · 07/02/2024 22:01

Would you acknowledge someone who had repeatedly assaulted you and put you in hospital? Because I wouldn't.

Show quote history

Yes, I would. The girl is autistic and she's 7. You shouldn't go to social occasions with people if you're going to blank them. The OP should make it clear going forward that either her DD doesn't go, or she says a quick hello.

Ilovecleaning · 07/02/2024 22:41

It’s terrible to be bitten on the face. I agree with other posters who say don’t contact the mother again. No 7 year old should be forced, or even encouraged, to be friends with a child who has repeatedly hurt her.
You might feel sorry for the mother but her problem is not your responsibility Let it all go now.

ElevenSeven · 07/02/2024 22:55

Nobody should have to acknowledge anyone who has repeatedly hurt them in this way.

Also, at age 7 and with additional needs especially, a ‘hello’ is likely to be interpreted as willing to play/engage.

Frangipanyoul8r · 07/02/2024 23:01

the other child got very upset and threw a glass candle at the back of head resulting in it having to be glued

that moment would be the last time my child had contact with that girl. The fact you’ve continued to allow and encourage the friendship then discipline your daughter for acting on her own frustrations is baffling.

Of course she shouldn’t have written that note, but she shouldn’t have been exposed to continued violence either.

Singlullaby · 07/02/2024 23:07

DetectiveDouche
You are a wonderful and understanding lady and a great mum. I hope everything is going well for your son.

Ilovecleaning · 07/02/2024 23:14

VampireWeekday · 07/02/2024 22:20

Yes, I would. The girl is autistic and she's 7. You shouldn't go to social occasions with people if you're going to blank them. The OP should make it clear going forward that either her DD doesn't go, or she says a quick hello.

Show quote history

Young children don’t understand social niceties like saying ‘hello’ then moving on.

Sirine1708 · 07/02/2024 23:22

My 7yo son doesn't have a lot of friends, but if another child will be just rude to him, we are never meeting them again outside of the classroom, unless they make up on their own.

I will not avoid group meetings, but will never force him to communicate with the rude child, no matter what their diagnosis is - no one should be taught to step over themselves for the sake of person who did/told smth bad to them.
On the contrary, I teach my son if someone is rude to them once, most likely it will go on and he should stay away and find someone else to play.

Messyhair321 · 07/02/2024 23:24

You're playing down your dd's behaviour which is pretty awful. Ignoring & name calling is bullying. Honestly I really thinking you should try to encourage some tolerance with your child, she shouldn't be forced to be friends but just be careful that your influence isn't the overarching reason your DD doesn't want this friendship.
Autism is hard to handle for any parent I'd be inclined to have some sympathy for the other parent she must be exhausted. Imagine what's happening at home, I suspect she really appreciates the friendship your DD offered & really doesn't want her DD to be alienated.
The bite is unacceptable, but has happened. Give your DD time to decide, she might change her mind or she might not. Children usually sort it out themselves without too much intervention.

ElevenSeven · 07/02/2024 23:30

The bite is unacceptable, but has happened

And the rest of it?

goingdownfighting · 07/02/2024 23:37

Ok so at this age both mums need to know that their children are learning. On each other. Of course biting is not acceptable. However, there's so much opportunity on this side to talk this through with your daughter. Perhaps explore why her friend behaves this way. 'Why would someone do something like that when they know it's wrong and the person is their friend?'

Talk to her how in certain situations- anxiety, anger, overwhelm etc., we need to control our behaviour. Her friend didn't do this. Because she is little like you are and still learning to how to deal with big feelings.
What was her friend telling her by biting her? How would you have liked her friend to say that instead of biting her? Perhaps she didn't know and so she but you. Could she have taken a time out if she was getting angry?

Then ask your daughter about the note. What prompted her to do this? What was she trying tell her friend? Was the intention to upset her? How do you think your friend feels.

Perhaps recall when you've upset someone and got past it. That both of them aren't perfect and everyone makes mistakes. If they keep happening then it's a big problem.

Then I'd probably say 'well you are allowed to be wary of her because of what she's done. Hopefully, when and if you're ready you can say to her. 'Next time you get angry please can you take a time out?' Help her with strategies to deal with the situation.

Chances are they'll be best buddies next week.

Sirine1708 · 07/02/2024 23:44

What was her friend telling her by biting her?

If you see a person acting aggressively - walk away, don't try to reason. You never know what they do next.
You should not play psychologist for every inadequate person out there, doctors are there for a reason.

bradpittsbathwater · 07/02/2024 23:57

Chances are they'll be best buddies next week.

I highly doubt it!

ElevenSeven · 08/02/2024 00:08

goingdownfighting · 07/02/2024 23:37

Ok so at this age both mums need to know that their children are learning. On each other. Of course biting is not acceptable. However, there's so much opportunity on this side to talk this through with your daughter. Perhaps explore why her friend behaves this way. 'Why would someone do something like that when they know it's wrong and the person is their friend?'

Talk to her how in certain situations- anxiety, anger, overwhelm etc., we need to control our behaviour. Her friend didn't do this. Because she is little like you are and still learning to how to deal with big feelings.
What was her friend telling her by biting her? How would you have liked her friend to say that instead of biting her? Perhaps she didn't know and so she but you. Could she have taken a time out if she was getting angry?

Then ask your daughter about the note. What prompted her to do this? What was she trying tell her friend? Was the intention to upset her? How do you think your friend feels.

Perhaps recall when you've upset someone and got past it. That both of them aren't perfect and everyone makes mistakes. If they keep happening then it's a big problem.

Then I'd probably say 'well you are allowed to be wary of her because of what she's done. Hopefully, when and if you're ready you can say to her. 'Next time you get angry please can you take a time out?' Help her with strategies to deal with the situation.

Chances are they'll be best buddies next week.

Christ.

Witsend101 · 08/02/2024 00:24

Having autism doesn't make throwing glass objects or biting acceptable. It might explain why it may have happened but that doesn’t make it ok. Your friend needs to accept that no adult would reasonably be friends with someone who did that to them so why should a child? I think in trying to be understanding of your friends DDs needs you are minimising how your DD has been treated. Your DD shouldn't have to put up with this and you need to make sure she understands this isn't behaviour she has to tolerate. Your friend could do with seeing if she can find strategies to help her Dd regulate herself and avoid getting to the point of overwhelm where things get thrown as someone could get seriously injured and it sounds like sheer luck that they haven't already

Nantescalling · 08/02/2024 00:43

Coshei · 06/02/2024 10:31

My daughter is 7 as well and I would certainly not make her apologise. The note is mild in comparison to the injuries the other girl caused. The mother is out of line but her behaviour shows where the daughter gets her outbursts from. I wouldn’t engage with them any more because the girl will alienate other children with her behaviour so make sure not to pass comment. Let other people come to the same realisation

Why on earth do you think the mother has caused the autistic behaviour in her daughter?

Nantescalling · 08/02/2024 00:48

goingdownfighting · 07/02/2024 23:37

Ok so at this age both mums need to know that their children are learning. On each other. Of course biting is not acceptable. However, there's so much opportunity on this side to talk this through with your daughter. Perhaps explore why her friend behaves this way. 'Why would someone do something like that when they know it's wrong and the person is their friend?'

Talk to her how in certain situations- anxiety, anger, overwhelm etc., we need to control our behaviour. Her friend didn't do this. Because she is little like you are and still learning to how to deal with big feelings.
What was her friend telling her by biting her? How would you have liked her friend to say that instead of biting her? Perhaps she didn't know and so she but you. Could she have taken a time out if she was getting angry?

Then ask your daughter about the note. What prompted her to do this? What was she trying tell her friend? Was the intention to upset her? How do you think your friend feels.

Perhaps recall when you've upset someone and got past it. That both of them aren't perfect and everyone makes mistakes. If they keep happening then it's a big problem.

Then I'd probably say 'well you are allowed to be wary of her because of what she's done. Hopefully, when and if you're ready you can say to her. 'Next time you get angry please can you take a time out?' Help her with strategies to deal with the situation.

Chances are they'll be best buddies next week.

Well, thanks for the lesson on how to help the victim not to mind being bitten, screamed at etc. Do you have a similar instruction sheet for the mother of the anti-social autistic kid.

WhatsMyUsername89 · 08/02/2024 00:50

The best thing my mum ever done for me as a child was validate my feelings and back me up. Ur daughters made a choice; of course make sure she remains kind and respectful…. However she’s made it! And for good reason too :) xx

Swizzlersandtwizzlers · 08/02/2024 02:18

Your daughter sounds very strong willed and has boundaries which I think is great - it’ll serve her well as she grows up. Too many little girls are raised to be people pleasers and doormats . Of course the letter was wrong but you’ve already brought that up with her.

Moving forward don’t put her in these awkward situations but if you do, don’t let her think she has to interact or play with this other child and do not stand by while the mother shouts at/about her. I think that was appalling and a less resilient child may have crumbled.

if anything this mother needs to have a talk with her own child and tell her that not everyone will always want to play with you. And maybe even highlight that in this case it’s because of she injured your daughter, so she understands these are the consequences of her actions.

If the mother isn’t willing to apologise for her outburst at your daughter I think you should cut ties with her.

justasking111 · 08/02/2024 03:00

My son rubbed along with a boy from age 10. He would have meltdowns but son took it in his stride until age 17. Son and others were laughing and joking. This autistic boy decides my son's laughing at him so attacked him. He was quite badly hurt, bruised, scratched, clothes ripped. He never retaliated, he was in shock. But he never spoke to him again. That was five years ago. He still won't talk about him.

ghlily · 08/02/2024 07:43

I agree with the people saying that you should support your daughter. She has been repeatedly physically assaulted by another child, she has every right to have feelings about it & to not want to be friends with her anymore.
Her mother was completely out of order reacting like that in front of your child.
It is great that your daughter apologised & that you let her know that her taking revenge was wrong, but she is also only 7 years old, still a child, and so it is normal that she didn’t really know how to deal with her emotions in a constructive way.
Your daughter is not obliged to be friends with the other child.

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 08/02/2024 08:33

Your child is absolutely not wrong for ignoring their attacker.
They have no need to communicate except for fulfilling a want of the other child.
Which is not their concern.

Be kind and manners are just used to beat down and destroy the boundaries of little girls.

If the mother tries anything again bring up her massive safe guarding failings.
She had ample warning that her child was a physical threat and did not prepare adequately.

I would continue with the group meetings with your daughter understanding that ignoring the other child is absolutely fine.

The alternative is that you arrange everyone else and the other child isn't invited.

Your daughter should not be isolated or miss out from being a victim and enforcing boundaries.

Spagb0l · 08/02/2024 08:34

bradpittsbathwater · 07/02/2024 23:57

Chances are they'll be best buddies next week.

I highly doubt it!

I doubt it.

I would actively keep my child away from anyone trying to cause them harm to the point of seeking professional help to have her hear glued.

There's no excuse for a glass candle to be lobbed at another child's head. None.

WhatNoRaisins · 08/02/2024 08:39

As an adult I don't know how I'd handle a meal out with someone that deliberately injured me more than once. Does Debretts even cover that scenario?

IhaveanewTVnow · 08/02/2024 08:46

PhoenixStarbeamer · 07/02/2024 21:26

I'm not acknowledging anyone who repeatedly assaults me to the point I'm in hospital. Not when I'm 5, 15 or 50 years old.

Exactly this. I don’t blame a 7 year old for writing a rude letter. No one was listening to her.
We don’t tell adults to be kind to someone who punched them. We tell them to report it to the police and I certainly wouldn’t be writing nice notes - hilarious. If it was two adult makes they would probably end up fighting….not buying each other gifts. Let’s stop encouraging little girls to be kind and nice when they are being abused.