Friend very upset by my daughter

[Tryandtryagain02]

My 7 year old daughter befriended another little girl in her class over the summer and her mum and I have consequently become friends. The little girl has autism which I'd say is mild. Anyway, during the summer there was an incident where my daughter was playing at her house but had to go home soon as I was picking her up - the other child got very upset and threw a glass candle at the back of head resulting in it having to be glued. There have been other incidents including hair pulling, slapping and grabbing. I have a brother with severe autism and global developmental delay so I knew from experience that the child was most like taking her frustrations out on my daughter physically as she was unable to verbalise this. Her mum was equally very upset and told her daughter off and made her apologise as well bought my daughter a gift.

However, a few weeks ago my daughter was at a sleepover with her and a few other friends and the child bit her on the face. Ever since my daughter said she does not want to be friends with her which I accepted and agreed to as I don't blame her and think she has tolerated a lot. The girls mum has taken this very much to heart and was upset when my daughter in retaliation wrote a note at school to say the other girl was "stupid" and "can't read". I was very upset and she was told off for this as its unacceptable regardless of whether the other child hurt her but I could equally understand she is angry. Fast forward to this weekend we went for a group meal with other friends and our children. My daughter wouldn't acknowledge her daughter and she became very angry shouting saying my daughter was trying to isolate her and take her away from other children and started crying all whilst staring at my 7 year old. I didn't react to her at this point. I thought about it all evening and decided to send her a message the following morning explaining that she was completely out of order for her behaviour and if my daughter doesn't want to be friends then she has to accept that but she carried on saying how would I like it if my daughter had no friends and that there was no malice in her behaviour. It ended up in a debate which resulted in her phoning me to apologise but still attempt to justify her daughters behaviour. I'm still really angry this has happened as I think I've been very understanding and kind to her considering what has happened previously. But my other friend thinks I should send her a message to see how she is as it's her only child who she had in my early 40s and therefore isn't as experienced (I have 3 children). I don't know what to do?

I have explained to my daughter that retaliating is wrong and that she should be kind regardless of what has happened. When she initially hurt her with the candle I sat with my daughter and asked her what she would like to do and she chose to continue the friendship until she finally had enough. Possibly a mistake on my behalf for not stopping the friendship earlier before it got to this but I tried to be kind and understanding that the child has SEN and that it was out of frustration but seeing as she then continued to harm my daughter I agreed with her decision that enough was enough. It wasn't a playdate it was a meal with friends. I'm definitely not pushing my daughter to be friends I will stand by her decision hence why I told her mum she doesn't want to be her friend anymore.

Your child was very mean to write a note about the girl at school. Did she write a sorry note and say sorry?
Your daughter has the capacity to say sorry properly and to choose not to be mean in the first place. The other girl has limited capacity to be fair and kind right now.

Your daughter is able to choose not to be friends, however, so all adults should respect that. The bitey girl needs more supervised play oportunities with a big range of friends so that her friends understand her antisocial problems.

Supervision is the key so that parents act before a bite happens.

It's not your daughters job to counsel the kid who hurt her.

Yes let's all put the blame on op and her daughter.

My daughter is 7 as well and I would certainly not make her apologise. The note is mild in comparison to the injuries the other girl caused. The mother is out of line but her behaviour shows where the daughter gets her outbursts from. I wouldn’t engage with them any more because the girl will alienate other children with her behaviour so make sure not to pass comment. Let other people come to the same realisation

Oh that’s not ok. The child is autistic for gods sake. She doesn’t get her behaviour from her mother. I’d get that deleted as you’re about to get your arse handed to you for saying such a thing about an autistic child, that it’s a learned behaviour.

Your child is not paid support staff for her child. She's another child who has been hurt in a very traumatic manner. Without wanted to be unkind I wouldn't have sent her for a sleepover following the head injury, as that child was present without much supervision.

Reiterate to mum a stock phrase each time 'my child can be friends with who she pleases, she was hurt badly in that incidence and isn't interested in being friends.'
Make the conversation boring

So tell me if an adult had given you a head injury and then bitten your face would you be happy sharing a room with them on the basis someone would jump in to protect you if an attack happened? I know I wouldn’t and op’s dd shouldn’t have to either.
Why should any dc put up with assault just because it’s another dc doing it?

Have you mentioned the incidents to the class teacher and the dd doesn't want to be friends. Please support this decision in school and not pair them up.

I actually don't think your daughter should be kind regardless of what's happened! She's been physically abused, regardless of the other girls diagnosis - and that doesn't mean she needs to be kind to her. That's the sort of spiel that leads to grown women being nice to abusers, because being "kind" is deserved regardless of actions.

It's literally traumatic what has happened to your daughter - the other mum is absolutely out of line making any sorts of comments about it in front of her. If another person bit me, hit me, caused me to need stitches to my head etc - I wouldn't be being bloody kind. Or giving them another chance. Shame on her.

The note was mean but it may have come out of desperation to get out of this arranged friendship.

I wouldn't bother with the girl or her family at all, she has already hurt your daughter, whatever the reason, of course your DD doesn't want to be around her. She's 7 years old, you must have her back! Otherwise you are teaching her to accept verbal and physical abuse as an adult.

I'll caveat by saying I have not parented an autistic child but I have dealt with autistic children in a different setting.

But isn't it possible it could be both? Obviously there are individual differences in how the condition presents but I don't think it's impossible that an autistic child could be making bad choices due to poor/permissive parenting as well as the difficulties caused by the autism?

Anyway sorry for the derail.

This sounds likely. Poor girl must have felt trapped.

I think you and your DD have tried to make this friendship work, but it's not going to.
You probably need to avoid socialising in groups with this Mum for a while as she's upset and is going to escalate the problem.
She knows her DD has an uphill battle in life and is disappointed with how this situation has turned out. But taking it out on your DD is unacceptable in any shape or form.
It's been an uncomfortable life lesson for your DD in lots of ways. But she is learning that sometimes you have to let friendships go but retaliation is not ok.
I think it's right that your DD doesn't attend this party if she doesn't want to invite the other girl to hers.
Continue to be kind and friendly but don't put yourself or your DD into potentially difficult situations.

It’s also very mean to throw glass objects and bite your friends!! I don’t know why this mother is blaming you for what her child has done to yours. If that was me I’d be mortified - I have a child with asd so it’s not excuse you can’t leave your kid with another child if that child can do things like this. Mum needs to up her supervision and understand why other kids might be reluctant to play or be friends with her child.

I completely understand why your child is retaliating, she’s 7 and learning how to socialise so help and guidance about the right way to do things/treat people is what is needed. That goes for the other girls mum too, I’d be livid if someone’s child bit mine on the face and made her get her head glued.

please folks RTFT

OP made daughter apologise for the note, etc etc.

OP, I think that the parent was really out of line shouting at you in front of your dd, and glaring at her. That really was inappropriate.

I think as well, that should it ever come up again, the pther parent needs to acknowledge that she was not supervising the girls closely enough, and that she is partly responsible for the break down of the friendship.

I have a dd with autism 'high functioning' for want of a better term, but playdates had to be downstairs so I could keep an eye on them. It is her responsibility as a parent to supervise her dd. And I think sleepovers was never going to be a great success, just too many things that are different and unregulated and so can go wrong.

You need to point out to your friend that your daughter is only 7 and not a support human for her child. You are right to tell your daughter off for the notes etc, have you told her what to do instead? Of course she doesn’t have to be friends with anyone. Polite is enough.

Polite? To a child that hurt her physically? Repeatedly. Maybe it's a good thing I'm not a parent because I'd find it difficult to enforce that.

It’s not a free pass to injure other children. And yes, I will consider a wound that needed glueing more severe than a note.

Then you've done all you can, you can't force this friendship.

FFS OP protect your daughter , she doesn’t want the friendship so drop it now and don’t put her in situations where she is subject to the physical or verbal abuse and made to feel bad for not wanting to be friends with someone who hurt her . It actually unbelievably she had her head split open with a candle and then was left it another situation where she was able to be bitten, if she is hurt enough again to cause hospitalisation you would be asked why you are allowing your daughter to be put in a vulnerable situation. End it now.

Throwing heavy objects at my child’s head would result in termination of both friendships I’m afraid. No fucking way would I accept that.

Yes, discuss with your DD, who chooses for valid reasons not to want the bitey girl as her friend, strategies for politely not engaging and how to go off and play her own games.

The mother, you should tolerate politely but decline further play dates. She doesn't supervise her child well enough. Respect your daughter's choices.

I don't think it was a good idea that you took your children on a group outing together when it was still so fresh as was inevitable there were going to be problems but all done now. I wouldn't say anything further. You sound like you've been understanding of her needs.

My eldest daughter is autistic- she doesn't hurt people but does sometimes struggle socially and know how heartbreaking it is when friendships break down so I have some empathy for the other child but yours has to come first for you and that is ok.

I've had to distance myself from a friend of mine after one incident (her children are also autistic) as the upset her daughter caused was big and I don't really feel we can socialise either at the moment. We are still polite and everything (and our younger children are still great friends).

Maybe in time things will get easier for all of you so I wouldn't burn any bridges but probably would give situation space.