Gentle parenting an extremely argumentative nearly 6yo, pulling my hair out

[Homesteady]

Hi, would love any tips from a gentle parenting perspective.

DD is 5, nearly 6. More and more everyday she is becoming extremely argumentative about everything and anything OR she ignores me like I'm not even there. I swear she would argue that the sky was kahki green given the opportunity. Or I'll ask a basic thing like what she'd like to wear and she just stares at me gormlessly/pretends like I didn't say anything until I've repeated myself 5 times, say okay then I'll choose triggering a meltdown. If it was once or twice then fine but its basically every interaction I have with her, all day every day.
I don't want to crush her spirit. She's going to be a tenacious adult someday and I'm here for it BUT I also believe that children should have respect for their parents.
To stop the toddler tantrums we always offered choices when she was little... Red cup or blue? And it worked. We've carried that on even now with the belief that if she has a choice then she can express her independence and not cause too much of a ruckus over basic stuff, hence asking things like what she wants to wear. And I can tell that she ignores my question when she doesn't want to do something (ie get dressed).
It feels so disheartening that she has so much freedom of choice in life and that she fights me on every single thing
I should mention we're homeschooling and although we have a set structure of learning we have a pretty child-led approach.
Basically, DD runs the house right now. She has consequences for being excessively rude or disrespectful like removal of privileges but she is still only 5 so there's only so far it can go. Once all privileges have been taken away and they still don't care? You can't exactly ground a child that young. Being in a battle of wills with a 5 year old is not a good look lol, any tips on how to nip this in the bud are more than appreciated.
Please, no negativity. x

Parent her. 5yo's really don't get to rule the roost. Op you must be exhausted..

You're in charge.... Gentle parenting isn't martyring yourself on the altar of choices. They must follow YOUR rules.

"Time to get dressed, see you downstairs in five minutes".

Am not really sure what you're asking. You know what you're doing now is causing misery for her and for you, so it's not working. Sounds like she needs you to step up and be the adult and she will feel better and more reassured in return.

Send her to school, it sounds as though you need a break from each other.

Give her some boundaries. It's because there are so many choices available to a child, that boundaries are necessary. Too many choices are overwhelming, frightening and can be dangerous.
If your 4yo is already ruling the house you are going to be in serious trouble if you have another child, or by the time they reach their teens.
You are the parent, so parent her, for her own sake if nothing else.

Your daughter is probably tired too. There's great research on how many quality decisions we can make on any one day. She could probably do with a break from the constant decision-making, and just have lots of decisions made for her. Save your conversions for quality chat about the world / life / feelings instead.

She might actually be getting too much choice, if she is only 5?

That, or she is very smart and has realised that she is actually only being offered fake choices (red or blue top?) rather than real ones (get dressed or not?) and is annoyed about that - even if she can't explain that fully in words.
In that example the demand and expectation that she will dress on command is still there to kick against, you might need to 'size up' in autonomy and do 'which order shall we do the things we need to get ready today? What things do we need to do?' (even better if you make mistakes in remembering/ordering).

Sounds maybe too simplistic, but have you tried a marble reward jar? Our Montessori preschool suggested it when our rather argumentative 4 year old DD was behaving in a similar way. We soon realised that when she did something well we were slow to praise, but quick to scold when we’d asked 5 times for the same. We’ve found this positive re-enforcement approach to be a lifesaver, a marble into the jar for each good thing (good breakfast, getting dressed, tooth brushing, coat on, shoes on, walk to school). Then same in reverse when things don’t go to plan. The marbles coming out has to be quick and punitive with not too many words ‘that’s a shame marble coming out for not getting your shoes on’. When the marble jar is full (this took us a while) our daughter can pick a thing to buy to the value of £X. Make sure the jar is a decent size and get the swirly shimmering marbles, our DD absolutely loves picking which one goes into the jar. Good luck OP!

At 5 I would expect her to be getting herself dressed with minimal input from you. I would give some guidance like it’s cold today you may want to wear long sleeves and leave her to it.

Is she getting enough exercise, outdoor and time with peers every day?

You're asking far too much of her 6 year old capabilities. You're the parent, so unless there are firm ground rules in place then it will become as you're describing sadly. Argumentative children don't always grow up to be tenacious adults - they just grow up to be argumentative adults that royally irritate others.

Not having boundaries or facing too many choices go against the thos of gentle parenting.

Pick the clothes. Then offer choice on when/how. Do you want to get dressed in your bedroom or downstairs? Do you want yo get yourself dressed or would you like me to help? You have 5 minutes to get dressed... 3 minutes to get dressed... 1 minute, by choosing to wait it means I will have to help you get dressed now.

Children don't necessarily need unlimited choice, but they do need structure and boundaries to make them feel secure.

Honestly? I'd find a good school and send her there. She'll probably be much happier amongst children of her own age, and your relationship with her will could improve a lot.

This. Children need to feel secure that the adult is in charge, it can be frightening for them to have to make their own decisions.
Is there any particular reason for the homeschooling?

Parent the child you have not the one you thought you'd have. Gentle parenting is not working for her or you.

Sounds like you are trying to control her (you know she doesn't want to get dressed, but you want her to get dressed)
However you are trying to do so without most of the traditional methods of controlling (IE punishments and rewards).
That's why it's not working, you need to either make an incentive to do what you say, or accept that she will make the choices which might not be what you want. Now that the easy toddler tricks are not working, she has learnt to get her way another way.
Good luck!

OP, can you help us understand why you're home schooling? I'm honestly not trying to bash home schooling and I know some people who it's worked really well for, but in this case it does sound like she would benefit from the routine and structure of a school day.

I don't necessarily believe that a choice in everything is the best way. Sometimes choice is a heavy load, and particularly when you're 5.

Everyone needs some structure in their lives, and leaving her to make all the decisions when she's so little is doing her a massive disservice in my opinion.

You frame it as choice, which you see as positive. Start framing it as decision making, and you might consider how overwhelming that is to anyone to have to make all of them.

Plus if you encourage this through childhood, how is she going to cope as an adult when others will not accept her choices. She could end up extremely confused and unable to function optimally in society.

I'm not saying change your way of living and teaching to fit in with the majority, but just be aware of how difficult things might be for her now and in the future without tweaks.

Hi all, thanks for your quick responses.
I am parenting her so im not sure what that means exactly. She has a set structure for the day, expectations of how to behave. Ive tried "here are your clothes, get dressed and see you downstairs in 5 minutes " as suggested by @Sawaranga and she comes down not dressed doing whatever she wants or has an excuse like "I just need to..first". I redirect her back to clothes and again we're in a battle of wills.
Shes a doll with all other adults and in all other situations except for with me and DH. Its like living with a teenager lol.
@CousinGreg55 homeschooling works for us, so no.
@Freshair1 agreed, but how to get her to comply? Where to go from here to get us out of this rut?
X

What do you mean by gentle parenting OP?

I have one argumentative DD who is also very creative and loving. Part of why school works for her is that other children disapprove when one child plays up/doesn’t follow the rules and kids listen to other kids and want to fit in. They sort of police each other and copy each other.

So if you want to homeschool I would seek some structured homeschooling groups out with other children in it. Kids are constantly working out where they sit in the social hierarchy so of course she is going to challenge you. You need to find her some peers that challenge her.

The big things that helped us were 1. Him not being ill and too busy and 2. having a morning off "sick" from school. Then he realised he did have a choice about the things he actually wanted to have a choice about, rather than just fake choices.
I know the books are full of that choice trick but that's just a trick to get you listening, and to give them time to process what they are expected to do. It's not a magic hypnotic trick to get your child to magically obey you

What is the consequence for her of not getting dressed?

Children NEED rules, guidlines, commands. The child-led, gentle parenting clearly isn't working.

Let her still have a couple of choices - for example, the red jumper or the yellow one, but YOU'RE meant to be in charge. Children like yours don't necessarily grow up to be "tenacious adults", but they do grow up to be unlikeable, spoilt brats

It sounds like you have moved away from gentle parenting and into permissive parenting. Gentle parenting should be authoritative, it's about loving boundaries not all love and no boundaries.

I would suggest giving her controlled choices, instead of free choice. This is what you were doing with the red cup or blue cup when she was small. It gives her a feeling of autonomy whilst also regulating her choices and making sure she isn't overwhelmed. A choice between two tops, two bottom halves, two pairs of shoes. If she doesn't respond I would say "If you don't make a choice I will choose for you." This gives her the opportunity to make a choice, but also sets the boundary of what will happen if she doesn't. Then you can move onto "are you going to put your clothes on yourself or do you want some help?" It is hard with strong willed kids and easy to get into a pattern of avoiding power struggles, however in the long run this doesn't help because the more control they have over their lives the more anxious they become. They need to know that they are safe, and that's what clear boundaries are for. Yes with strong willed children it is so hard to be consistent when they push so hard against the boundaries, it can help to explain the reason you are setting that boundary eg. To keep her safe, enable you to do something fun together etc.

If you don't set those boundaries now she will get increasingly anxious and have more tantrums and this will become harder and harder to manage. She needs to know that however great her resistance the boundary will remain the same. Over time this will make her feel safe and secure and she will no longer feel the need to push the boundary so much because she has accepted that the important ones are immovable and you will always keep her safe and have her best interests at heart, even when she is struggling with her own emotions.

Send her to school. You just don’t really know how to work with her effectively.