Gentle parenting an extremely argumentative nearly 6yo, pulling my hair out

[Homesteady]

Hi, would love any tips from a gentle parenting perspective.

DD is 5, nearly 6. More and more everyday she is becoming extremely argumentative about everything and anything OR she ignores me like I'm not even there. I swear she would argue that the sky was kahki green given the opportunity. Or I'll ask a basic thing like what she'd like to wear and she just stares at me gormlessly/pretends like I didn't say anything until I've repeated myself 5 times, say okay then I'll choose triggering a meltdown. If it was once or twice then fine but its basically every interaction I have with her, all day every day.
I don't want to crush her spirit. She's going to be a tenacious adult someday and I'm here for it BUT I also believe that children should have respect for their parents.
To stop the toddler tantrums we always offered choices when she was little... Red cup or blue? And it worked. We've carried that on even now with the belief that if she has a choice then she can express her independence and not cause too much of a ruckus over basic stuff, hence asking things like what she wants to wear. And I can tell that she ignores my question when she doesn't want to do something (ie get dressed).
It feels so disheartening that she has so much freedom of choice in life and that she fights me on every single thing
I should mention we're homeschooling and although we have a set structure of learning we have a pretty child-led approach.
Basically, DD runs the house right now. She has consequences for being excessively rude or disrespectful like removal of privileges but she is still only 5 so there's only so far it can go. Once all privileges have been taken away and they still don't care? You can't exactly ground a child that young. Being in a battle of wills with a 5 year old is not a good look lol, any tips on how to nip this in the bud are more than appreciated.
Please, no negativity. x

I'm probably what most people would consider a big personality . I'm have kids like this too .
It's actual a kindness to put limits on a child behaviour, I remember secretly loving boundaries being put in as a kid as did my kids .
I think we are inclined as people and parents to view things from our own viewpoint and what may be squashing for some kids is kindness to others.
I have as have my adult kids found a way to use my big personality well , I think!
However if I didn't have these boundaries as I child , I could be a right overwhelming dick head . Do not think of squishing your child think of boundaries as a kindness to the child you have .

I also have unpleasant memories of parental and school harshness growing up, which is why I really identify with positive reinforcement, redirection, natural consequences, etc. I also think homeschooling is a wonderful option for certain children.

However, I think it's worth considering, OP, that school has changed unrecognisably since your time in school at least 20 years ago. At 6 especially, school is very play-based and holistic. And anyway, you get to evaluate and choose which school she goes to!

Only based on what you've typed, which could just be a snapshot and not the full picture, your daughter sounds bright and sociable, like the type to love/need socialisation and stimulation (but feels unable to fit into those contexts and opportunities, at least for now).

Gently, and you don't have to answer to anyone but yourself, could your own unresolved trauma be getting in the way of your child being, learning and thriving in part of a wider world that goes beyond what mummy says we're doing/going to today?

Most schools are not at all play based at the age of 6 - they have a lunch break and one, possibly two 15 minute play times.

I’m starting to think the previous poster who said gentle parenting types are teally control freaks was right. All these incidents OP describes are only a problem if OP takes disagreement or the child’s self assertion as a fight for control and a covert insult. You are the only person she had to talk to! She is engaging with you and is a very concrete and literal thinker at this age—that is what is age appropriate. If you don’t understand how kids learn and engage with the world you should let her work with professionals. But aside from that look st these interactions as a space of play, not a dominance game. If she contradicts you just laugh and say “looks like hot pink to me!” Or “you are right! They aren’t home ALL day just some of the day”

I think you are struggling for control and feel you have lost it. Its really a you problem not a her problem.

An update to the thread before I go-

Thanks for your concern to all who have come here to suggest we change our lifestyle and cant look past us homeschooling, and to those who will no doubt continue to comment long after I've moved on from this thread to say the same "Send her to school" "explain your school choices" "socialisation" bla bla. Your efforts are better spent elsewhere because thats not our issue here. Plenty of people have argumentative kids who go to regular school, so thats that.

To all saying we should move on from Gentle Parenting because its obviously not working for us, we need to put down boundaries etc etc: We aren't on a strictly GP regime as ive said many times and she is given plenty of boundaries. We aren't doing Permissive Parenting- or is that what it means to simply be sick of nagging DD? Im certain most children (state school, homeschool, no boundaries, all the boundaries) are going to push back at some point, no? I wanted to hear from a GP perspective, so all of you who arent coming from that perspective and actively look down on it... why are you even here? The question wasn't for you so thanks but no thanks.

The same for anyone here making baseless assumptions about our life in general. Don't you have anything better to do? Its a bit sad really.

BUT to the various people who responded with relevent tips and book suggestions, thank you so much guys 😊 We've already implimented the montessouri style marble jar trick and she's really going for it! As well to all the people pointing out that shes possibly tired from choices and that toddler tricks will stop working now shes older- today DH and I are working really hard to be very mindful of making the simple things sound like a choice. "Its time to do the thing" rather than "Shall we do the thing now" She got dressed no problems (bar a slight transgression on whether it was tights or trousers, but who cares, she actually got dressed), shes been very co-operative across the board. I think it was as simple as a refreshed "reward" system and being more assertive ie less choices given. And a reminder from a few of you that the argumentative thing is just what kids are like and to relax a bit and have a joke with her about it. It's early days but we're optimistic.

Feel free to keep quoting me, replying to OP or whatever but im turning off notifications for this thread now so don't expect a response. Maybe your comments can help someone in the future who is also trying not to turn into a moany old bag towards their argumentative children! x

Maybe the problem with the sports clubs is that she isn't there long enough to build up proper friendships. Lots of fleeting acquaintances but no proper friends. I know the clubs my kids went to (beavers/football etc) most of the other kids were from the local primary school and already knew each other very well.

Great to hear you're implementing some of the suggestions on the thread and already seeing results. Good luck going forward.

Isn't rewards and some assertiveness just normal parenting not gentle parenting

Good for you for making changes.

YYY to this, and I think the home schooling is part of a wider picture of a desire to control. Same goes for the lalala I'm not listening response to so many posters here.

Well in a few days and positive adjustments she's responding well good for her and you as well. I hope it continues for you.

Since it's 40 years since my kids toddler years, things were very different. Depending on the circles you were in, different standards of education were expected.

Whatever else, you didn't want to be ostracised by having 'spoilt' offspring. We lived amongst an international group and the different methods were very evident. Also, what was expected of the kids was totally different. American and Asian kids were given such gentle parenting they were not forced to stay seated at the table and were even allowed to dance on the table in amongst the serving dishes ! I AM NOT SAYING ALL AMERICANS OR ASIANS USED TO DO THIS.

The other end of the scale was the northern Europeans whose kids sat still, ate properly and didn't interrupt adults. I can't say they were angels but they did realize that we were proud of them and I think that was one of the reasons they complied. The gentle parents said we were stifling their creative but I didn't line wax drawings on my walls or spaghetti flying across the table.

Sorry too long.

To get back to the question of parenting. I checked by asking my kids and they said I used to slap their hands and even around the face after 2 warnings which would land me in prison these days. I remember yelling to just before the clout. I am not suggesting that was better, I just know it was quick and efficient.

My only experience of gentle parenting was back then when my 2 yr old son was sitting on the floor with his best friend. The friend grabbed a metal fork - which shouldn't have been within reach, I grant you - which he was aiming at an electric plug. I lunged across the room and pulled him back so hard that he shot half way across the room. My friend was so livid, she didn't speak to me for weeks but I'm afraid I would do just the same today. Her system would have been to say 'Do find something else to play with. I don't want you to hurt yourself and that white thing on the wall could hurt you. Mummy will find you something much more fun' and he would have been dead !

Oh can we not? I never slapped, hit, or shouted at my children and they sat quietly and never danced on the table or painted the walls.

As a nanny with over 30 years childcare experience I have such a hate of this gebtel parenting mainly because I don’t see it producing the results it’s intended to.
all I see are angry, selfish, entitled children who have zero respect for anyone else let alone parents. If it’s supposed to raise children that are confident and happy and able to emotionally and intellectually navigate those feelings in all honesty it really isn’t working! If you are a stable child being raised by calm, softly spoken parents showing respect and support why aren’t they children mirroring this behaviour? Why are they verbally and physically abusive at times? Hitting parents, shouting at them? If the outcome isn’t what it’s supposed to be at what point to parents say this isn’t working…maybe we need to change how we approach this? :-)

I don’t know…
I did gentle parenting. Dcs are now adults. They’re not angry, selfish or entitled.

Gentle parenting doesn’t mean having no boundaries. It’s about how to set those boundaries whilst still being respectful towards the child and teaching them how to deal with their emotions.

It IS much more work though.

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