Gentle parenting an extremely argumentative nearly 6yo, pulling my hair out

[Homesteady]

Hi, would love any tips from a gentle parenting perspective.

DD is 5, nearly 6. More and more everyday she is becoming extremely argumentative about everything and anything OR she ignores me like I'm not even there. I swear she would argue that the sky was kahki green given the opportunity. Or I'll ask a basic thing like what she'd like to wear and she just stares at me gormlessly/pretends like I didn't say anything until I've repeated myself 5 times, say okay then I'll choose triggering a meltdown. If it was once or twice then fine but its basically every interaction I have with her, all day every day.
I don't want to crush her spirit. She's going to be a tenacious adult someday and I'm here for it BUT I also believe that children should have respect for their parents.
To stop the toddler tantrums we always offered choices when she was little... Red cup or blue? And it worked. We've carried that on even now with the belief that if she has a choice then she can express her independence and not cause too much of a ruckus over basic stuff, hence asking things like what she wants to wear. And I can tell that she ignores my question when she doesn't want to do something (ie get dressed).
It feels so disheartening that she has so much freedom of choice in life and that she fights me on every single thing
I should mention we're homeschooling and although we have a set structure of learning we have a pretty child-led approach.
Basically, DD runs the house right now. She has consequences for being excessively rude or disrespectful like removal of privileges but she is still only 5 so there's only so far it can go. Once all privileges have been taken away and they still don't care? You can't exactly ground a child that young. Being in a battle of wills with a 5 year old is not a good look lol, any tips on how to nip this in the bud are more than appreciated.
Please, no negativity. x

Strict boundaries and rules do stop a lot of this exhausting Fannying about..
Kids do feel safe with good boundaries.

There is no room for insolence or cheek.

No one likes bratty behaviour.

A 5 yr old ruling the roost is insane.
Nip that right in the bud now, or teen years will be beyond horrendous.

Stop gentle parenting her. It obviously doesn't suit every kid, no type of parenting could.

She won't be a 'tenacious' adult - that was a well chosen word OP 😁

As pp have said, little children can't cope with too many choices. The need to learn that many things in life are not choices and there have to be rules and consequences. She isn't your friend, she is your child who needs rules, boundaries and routine to feel safe and secure.

@AFieldGuideToTrees
Hiya, thanks for responding!
Don't get me wrong, she isn't given the choice on every single thing, just when its proven problematic in the past if you know what I mean. We aren't cooking separate meals or anything like that.
I do get what you're saying though. Do you have any thoughts on how to transition between where we're at and where we need to be? How do I take away for example choice of clothes when she doesn't want to get dressed in the first place? X

Here is an example of a good forest school homeschooling type activity:

4 kids 5/6 year old in a group are tasked with collecting sticks and building the highest stick pile they can. They have clear safety instructions aka not running with sticks/pointing them etc/no sword fights and are tasked with working together and assigning roles to each other. They might be told to follow a Jenga principle or it is left open to them. Sometimes they are in direct competition with another group.

A parent with a child in school would 100% get them dressed before 9am. I think that's what people mean when they're saying routine might help?

At that age I dressed my kids if they were faffing because I had to get them to school and me to work. There's no time for anything else.

I think maybe she's grown out of the blue cup/red cup phase - she is old enough to understand it is manipulation now.

I have a similar age child and an older one who is very 'strong willed' too.

Firstly, don't argue with her. It takes two to argue, so just don't - if she says the sky is green, or it's not Tuesday, or I've never liked fish fingers, just say 'oh' or 'mmm'.

Secondly, don't nag or ask multiple times. This one is really hard. Save the threats and bribes with privileges for when it really matters.
So I wouldn't ask mine to get dressed 5 times - I'd say, when you are dressed, we can go swimming. And then I'd go and do something else. If they don't get dressed and you miss swimming - tough shit, there's a consequence.

It sounds like she is looking for boundaries sometimes children have too much choice so by acting out she Is showing you she might be feeling over whelmed because she has too much responsibility and she isn't coping. The only.way you can help her is to step in and tell her what to do or even help her.you can do this gently but firmly.

@WeighDownOnMe I feel you, its just that I was raised in an angry household with emotionally unavailable parents. It makes me shudder to think I might end up passing on the same trauma lol so I try and push to the other end of the spectrum. Not to say I don't lose it now and again!

Yeah I get that - however you are clearly nothing like them. I do think it's ok to be firm and get cross if they're wilfully not doing as asked. That's just life. You do what you need to do because the family is a team that needs to work for everyone.

I think setting out goals for her will help things she has to do so get dressed, brush teeth,whatever whatever and these things are non negotiable.
she can help you create the checklist. You can get clothes ready night before then tick it off the list Kids love a list .

Also, rather than removing privileges, I try to give privileges.

For example, mine absolutely LOVE youtube, I am the controller of youtube access
If they do what they are supposed to in the day (whether that is education, behaviour, attitude) then they get youtube time in the evening.
If they are playing up I can often say 'I really hope you can get your screen time today' and that reminds them why they need to cooperate.

I don't think homeschooling is working. I also think she needs firmer rules, boundaries and consequences.

You should update yourself on the latest research regarding gentle parenting - it only works for minor misbehaviours. Anything more serious, you should consider more traditional approaches.

Check this useful summary of the latest research:
www.instagram.com/p/CzJSmpaOmzY/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

OP why must she get dressed?

Are you going to go out somewhere once she is dressed?

If you are just going to stay in and learn with no-one else seeing her then she (some what being sensible) sees no point.

If you are going to go out somewhere then there is a point to her changing her clothes.

So I have no issues getting my DD dressed if she is going to school or out somewhere but if it is Saturday morning we aren't going out for about three hours then she won't immediately get dressed when asked. I was similar when I was a child and so were some of my nephews and nieces. Oh and one of the things that got them to run and change their clothes was me turning up.

School. Really. A child of this age needs to experience interacting with a much wider range of people than you are able to provide, and to see things from other people's. She needs friends of her own age and to learn how to share and fit in and take turns. Without the stress of being responsible for her and her behaviour 24/7, you will have a better perspective on how to be 'emotionally available' for her when you are together. And be less tired.

In all the traditional cultures that I know of children this age would be spending the majority of their time with other children, siblings, cousins, other local children who are their age mates, and more latterly children in many countries have been in formal schooling and getting this contact with other children. Children need other children to learn so much from about getting on socially as well as learning from other children about things that their family knows less about.

Personally, I think it is hard to teach all this as one or two adults. Home schooling in small nuclear families is really hard to do well enough without limiting your child’s development and choices in life. Limiting children to mainly adult contact is quite unnatural and it is not surprising that she is unhappy, eg think about how puppies love to meet other puppies and play together, it’s how mammals develop. I know homeschoolers get together but the hours are unlikely to match what children traditionally or children in school get, or there are so many groups that it’s more or less like school anyway.

Why are you doing the homeschooling? If your child has a disability then maybe you will sadly have to fight their corner more and there might come a time when they need a break from school but it’s always worth trying to make school work. If you had a hard time at school yourself maybe work out what went wrong and why and how to stop similar happening to your child. Almost all primary schools are great places for almost all children. So maybe think again about the homeschooling.

Try Therapeutic Parenting (which has some similarities with 'gentle parenting').

Also, do you believe that you've processed and worked through enough of your own difficult childhood to be able to set clear boundaries for your own child? Have you ever had any form of therapy?

Have you looked up pda syndrome? I have an incredibly argumentative, controlling child who cannot take instructions and has pda. She might be not getting dressed because she doesn’t want to do the activity that happens afterwards.

All children need boundaries and structure - you obviously get that. Gentle parenting can mean different things. For me it means recognising children's autonomy - feelings, thoughts, preferences - even if a reasoned "no" is warranted.

But the mode of gentle parenting needs to be adjusted for the individual child. Very calm biddable children may be suited to a very gentle approach. Wilful, fearless children (like mine!) need a firmer approach.

Your DD is only 5.

Are you able to give some examples of her being “excessively rude”?

I understand not wanting to be like your parents, but it seems as if you're going to the other extreme. Lots of previous posters have made the point that children desperately need firm boundaries and if they don't have them they just push and push. It's a bit like being in a dark room and feeling around for the walls. I also agree that too much decision making is very tiring for such a young child and I would guess that as she is home schooled she's getting that all day every day. . I know you said home schooling works for you - but it doesn't sound like it.

Have you ever seen those dog training programmes where people are worried about their dog being aggressive? So often it's because the dog thinks it's responsible for keeping their humans safe. They need a pack leader and so does your little girl.

As you've had a difficult childhood by the sounds of it, I can understand why you're trying a different approach.

Honestly though, I believe parenting is less about following a theory and more about following your instincts and setting appropriate, firm, fair boundaries.

Kids need you to lead fairly and strongly.

I would also encourage finding a school for her. She can learn to navigate the world with her peers and you can be there to guide and help at home.

Well done for trying so hard but it sounds like serious changes need to be made for all of you!

Home school works for you but isn't working your dd?

Kids needs boundaries and she's playing up as she knows there's zero consequences 🤷‍♀️

Definitely give less choice, put the clothes out you want her to wear.

What leverage do you have? Tv time? Could you do a reward chart to earn telly time?