Gentle parenting an extremely argumentative nearly 6yo, pulling my hair out

[Homesteady]

Hi, would love any tips from a gentle parenting perspective.

DD is 5, nearly 6. More and more everyday she is becoming extremely argumentative about everything and anything OR she ignores me like I'm not even there. I swear she would argue that the sky was kahki green given the opportunity. Or I'll ask a basic thing like what she'd like to wear and she just stares at me gormlessly/pretends like I didn't say anything until I've repeated myself 5 times, say okay then I'll choose triggering a meltdown. If it was once or twice then fine but its basically every interaction I have with her, all day every day.
I don't want to crush her spirit. She's going to be a tenacious adult someday and I'm here for it BUT I also believe that children should have respect for their parents.
To stop the toddler tantrums we always offered choices when she was little... Red cup or blue? And it worked. We've carried that on even now with the belief that if she has a choice then she can express her independence and not cause too much of a ruckus over basic stuff, hence asking things like what she wants to wear. And I can tell that she ignores my question when she doesn't want to do something (ie get dressed).
It feels so disheartening that she has so much freedom of choice in life and that she fights me on every single thing
I should mention we're homeschooling and although we have a set structure of learning we have a pretty child-led approach.
Basically, DD runs the house right now. She has consequences for being excessively rude or disrespectful like removal of privileges but she is still only 5 so there's only so far it can go. Once all privileges have been taken away and they still don't care? You can't exactly ground a child that young. Being in a battle of wills with a 5 year old is not a good look lol, any tips on how to nip this in the bud are more than appreciated.
Please, no negativity. x

Anecdote for you.

On holiday with 3 families, kids were about 5, one doing gentle parenting.
I think my then dh said 'let's go for fish and chips.' Four kids went 'yeah' excitedly and started doing happy dancing.
Gentle parenting family cuddled round Thomas 'what do you want Thomas? We didn't think you liked fish that much. Remember we spoke of getting a pizza in the car...and on and on'

Poor Thomas looked so so sad. Struggling to make a decision that would keep both his parents happy, he just didn't know what to do. Weight of the world on his shoulders. My point is..

Kids, like adults, like other people to make decisions for them. It saves thinking.

I know you're trying to be nice to your kid, but it doesn't always work.

Child Led is your problem.

I'd be a bit cautious here though, that's only one piece of research.

Sounds like school would be the making of her. Sounds spoilt.

Too many choices. One of my dd's is like this; it works much better if I for instance pick out her clothes , she gets dressed by making choices. She's 6.

• gets stressed by making choices

You've ended up with a spoilt brat.

Parent her, that's your job.

You're not getting anywhere with this 'gentle' crap and you're making a rod for your own back and creating a nightmare child for others to tolerate through gritted teeth.

You don't have to be emotionally unavailable or angry in order to parent properly. Find a middle ground, quickly, before it's too late.

Have you looked at strategies for Demand Avoidance?

Demand Avoidance is sometimes a feature of autism, but whether or not your child is neurodivergent, I think the strategies for parenting a PDA child are respectful and gentle for any and all children.

I'd also maybe have a listen to some of Janet Lansbury's "unruffled" podcasts. She is excellent at giving strategies for holding firm boundaries in a respectful way, which is ultimately what "gentle parenting" is all about.

The people calling this child spoilt, especially the one who called her a spoilt brat, need to wind their necks in. You're talking about a small child you don't know who is simply being stubborn sometimes as young children frequently do as part of normal development. Stop the nastiness.

Gentle parenting isn't working.

Stop with giving her so many choices.

Remove all privileges (tv, screen time, sweet snacks) when she doesn't comply and stick to it.

You can still be an available, loving parent whilst actually parenting. Stop treating a 5 year old like a teenager. You are coming from the best of places but being her parent and having normal expectations doesn't mean you are replicating your childhood.

Why are you home schooling if you don't mind me asking too?

This is why gentle parenting doesn't work.
It sounds great in theory, even brilliant but unfortunately does not work in real life.
Unfortunately there needs to be consequences, just like there is in real life. One day if you work, are in a relationship, drive on the roads etc, your actions have consequences. No one 's gonna say. "hey sally, I can see that you'd really like to play computer games now, I would too, but you have to work" and then leave them to it if they don't?

Wow! spoiled brat are we still calling little children brats ?

You're describing permissive parenting. No, permissive parenting does not work.

Gentle parenting is meant to have boundaries and consequences. The ethos is about making sure consequences are related to any transgressions, and respecting the child as a whole person, i.e. not trying to dominate but to co-operate. I fully agree children need rules, boundaries and consequences to set them up for real life.

I’d send her to school - you’ve failed with the home schooling already if she argues to the point of hurting you. She needs to be socialised to live in our society.

Gentle parenting isn't parenting. You need to be tougher and consistent with her you can say no and mean it

She needs clear boundaries, she's confused as to your expectations

I didn't gentle parent, but I do have a DD with ASD who really struggled with open ended questions and decisions, so it might help.

The difference between red cup/blue cup and open ended decisions is that you can get open ended ones wrong and therefore there is so much pressure.

Instead, give her something to work with, hints if you will. So you would say "it's quite cold today, lets find something warm to wear - can you get a warm jumper?" Then she can choose trousers to go with it. You throw in the pants, socks vest etc as that is just a huge list of unimportant things that she might mess up or forget, so they are still on you to do.

You can guide her with things like "we're going to the zoo today, have you got anything with a zoo animal on..." so when she's chosen, she feels like she has got it right.

Only child.
Home schooled.
Strong willed.
Running rings around her parents but a dream for other adults.

She has way too much of your time and attention, I’m guessing. Is she ever left to her own devices to play? Does she socialise with same age children? Does she understand sharing, turn taking, imaginary play?

She’s got you all dancing to her tune because she can. She’s in charge and that’s a scary place to be for a 5 year old. She’s showing you with her defiance that she wants more direction and stronger parenting. She doesn’t know what she wants, so she doesn’t want anything. She doesn’t have the emotional or cognitive development to have the “power” that she currently has. You need to get it back.

A lot of people here declaring that gentle parenting doesn't work when they clearly don't actually know what it is.

She needs to go school. She needs to learn that adults set reasonable boundaries for a reason.

Are you familiar with Montessori at all? At 5 years old she starting to leave the “infancy” plane of development and enter the “childhood” plane where they are focusing on fitting into societal expectations and that includes questioning why. As she isn’t in mainstream school she could be struggling with this societal part of her development. Finding where she fits in. Facing natural consequences from her peers at school etc.

Homeschooling is a wonderful option but from everything I’ve research it seems the children who benefit from it are attending homeschooling groups so essentially a mini parent led version of school. It must be difficult to pick and outfit to wear when you don’t want to get dressed. & you think, why get dressed just to sit with my Mum and do spelling? But if she’s attending a homeschooling group for a spelling lesson with her friends…suddenly the expectation to get dressed makes more sense.

It’s probably also a good time to remind yourself of the basics. Her emotional reactions are valid and developmentally appropriate but they do not determine the outcome of the situation, you do. There’s space for her to feel how she feels, you hear her, you see her but honey you still
have to put clothes on. & if in doubt, get silly and playful with it. Super hard when you are frustrated and just want her to put…her…bloody…clothes…on but playfulness will usually get you where you want to be faster than anger or threats or punishments or any of that stuff.

The cornerstones of gentle parenting are consistency and clear boundaries…

Lots of people with strong willed children have success with turning things into a game or a race, so maybe you could get dressed at the same time sometimes (obviously this won't always be practical), or could have a race to see who can get her clothes out of the drawer faster, or whether she can get dressed before you complete a different task. It would probably also help to have an activity or event happening after she gets dressed that can give a more solid reason for her to get dressed, even if it's to go out for a short walk round the block, or a trip to the corner shop or something.

Carry on using choices but also consequences. And show some level of authority too. 'It's cold today so we need warm clothes. You can have your fleecy leggings or you cords - which do you want?'

She ignores you.

'No answer? OK, then leggings.'

Give her a second to get to change the choice, but only a second.

I know a family who gentle parented and that poor child was so stressed from being in charge. She was always last one through the school gate even though she lived next to the school.

i did a version of gentle parenting but never put the pressure on the child to run the show. That was always my job.

DS1 was VERY strong willed. E.g. rainy day, insisting on going outside without a coat. I'd just say: 'OK, I'll stick it under the buggy in case you change your mind. Let me know if you need it.' His decision, and he usually wanted his coat within two minutes. Way better than arguments and tantrums.

Send her to school. She needs rules, routine, and other children her age to butt heads with and maybe smooth off the sharp edges.

Stop giving her the impression that listening to you is optional.

Gentle parenting is a load of bollocks. It's basically a label that is sold to parents who want to think of themselves as evolved and cool and nice. It leaves children bewildered because they never know what you're feeling about them despite all the lovey dovey stuff. They are looking for a leader and instead they get someone who tells them they are in charge.

Give your child immediate and direct consequences for not listening, ignoring you, and arguing over simple aspects of daily life.

She needs structure and boundaries. The east way to deliver that to a five year old is via school. From where your relationship is now, you will have an uphill struggle to start imposing it.