I’m being horrible to my two year old but I don’t know what to do

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I feel very much on the edge all the time. I have a two year old and a young baby and whenever we go anywhere I feel tense as I just can’t feel assured my toddler will come with me.

So today for instance we were at an event at a park, weather terrible. I was lost and I needed to go back to the start to find where we were going. Toddler refuses to come with me and goes one way and I panicked and went the other thinking he’d follow and he didn’t. Lashing rain and baby in sling crying and I ended up crying and hit myself in the face as I felt so completely helpless and useless.

I know the standard advice is reins but he just won’t walk with them on and in any event dragging him around (which I would if he decides to go one way) is so awful and difficult, ditto pushchair, and some stuff like parks and soft play I can’t really have him in the pushchair. So I end up all stressed and tearful.

I feel like he’s going to hate me but what can I do, other than not go out? (Tempting.)

Aww it's so hard. 2 is definitely a tricky age and I remember having the same problem with reins too, felt like I was the one being led around! There are some good tips about leaving places in How to Talk so Little Kids listen- it's basically all about trying to make everything into a game, so shall we walk backwards out of the park/ have a race to the car/ scuttle like a crab etc, you get the drift! Maybe a snack bribe could come in handy?

I’d choose more appropriate outings. A busy maze-like place in the rain sounds no fun for anyone. Go to a small playground or a gated petting farm. Or choose a place where kiddo can run around till tired, where you can sit on a bench and have a snack ready so he’ll want to come to you.

Still have to leave them @MontblancTheSecond . I’m not sure where the maze came from, we weren’t at a maze. Just lost, because I am stupid.

Sorry - I have to admit I haven’t found that book helpful at all, but I know it gets recommended here a lot.

Persist with the pushchair. Explain that he can either choose to come with you walking or he'll have to go in the pushchair.

I've not ever been to a park or soft play where you can't take a pushchair?

Hey OP my DS was just a next level nightmare aged 2-3. Used to run away, but like properly run across entire fields into oncoming danger, never answering to his name, very strongly fighting me if I attempted to carry him etc. Nowhere felt safe to take him. In the end I did reserve a lot of outings for weekends when I knew I'd have back up as you can't be in two places at once with a baby. I tried to reserve week day outings for playdates at other people's houses, and in our own garden to keep the little maniac contained. I know that sounds depressing but on reflection it was a relatively short period in the grand scheme of things. Now aged 4, his behaviour is absolutely impeccable and I can take him anywhere but avoiding unnecessarily stressful outings was key for me. I did lose it a number of times and had lots of tears along the way though, it's a ridiculously stressful time having a strong willed toddler and a baby. Try not to feel too bad.

I have a 2 year old who can be a runner, and a baby, so I totally get how hard it is. My toddler won't go in a buggy at all, she just wants to walk everywhere, which is great but hard if I actually need to get anywhere. The best thing I've found so far is if I put her in a carry on my back and the baby in the sling on my front. Otherwise I try to take her to secure places that I don't need to worry about her running off in, botanic gardens, secure farm plays, certain forests and parks that I know are safe.

Today she kept trying to run onto the road after we had been on a forest walk. I eventually just had to pick her up and carry her under my arm with the baby in the sling. Resulted in some comments from an older woman walking by but as far as I'm concerned, her being safe is the first priority.

I’m afraid I can’t quite understand why you’re not using a pushchair? Put him in and straps on? Ignore all the screaming? Or baby in a pushchair so you can at least grab the toddler and carry him off if needed?
Most inside places let you have a buggy? Again, at least somewhere safe to put the baby while you chase him down and grab him??

This sounds so tough (although definitely not atypical for a two year old!) How are you sleeping OP? You sound worn down and I'm not surprised, this stage is tough.

Do you have much of a network of local parents? I'm thinking that things like playdates, playgroups in closed rooms, etc might be a better fit for now. When I go to these type of groups people look out for each others' kids too, so it wouldn't all be on you.

And I’m curious what people mean when they say a toddler ‘won’t go’ in a buggy? Does this mean she cries and shouts a lot? Or that she is escaping and somehow unsafe? Sometimes kids have to do things that they don’t want to do. For their own safety and the overall needs of the family. Does bribery with snacks not work?

@UpsyDaisyMegaphone i think we’re talking at cross purposes a bit. Let’s say we’re at a park and DS is at the top of a climbing frame, if he refuses to come down to leave I can’t really climb up and get him when I have the baby. Also, getting him into a pushchair with a baby in a sling is very difficult.

It doesn’t even happen all that often but it does happen. The problem is it really negatively impacts on the time I spend with him as it makes me so anxious knowing I’m at his mercy.

Sending love from one mother of 2 to another. Don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s not easy going out solo with 2 kids. Especially when you’re likely exhausted with the baby which makes it harder to be patient etc. It’s easy to suddenly see your eldest as much older because compared to the baby they seem massive, but they are still a baby too so need to be cut some slack. I very much just accepted that there were certain things that I wouldn’t feel ok doing on my own with two, and would limit what I decided to plan based on how I thought I’d cope with them. So there was a great free stay and play I just couldn’t manage because it was so busy with multiple exits and there was no way I could safely parent both there. I instead opt for one that is completely contained which means even if I lost sight of the eldest for a second, they couldn’t get very far etc. I hate to say it but I found it gets much harder before it gets better because the second one becomes mobile and goes in the opposite direction 😂 so you do just have to plan carefully. And I’d say they may not like the pram but sometimes for their safety must be strapped in. The silver lining is that all of a sudden parenting only one kid seems like an absolute Breeze so whenever you and your partner (if you have one) can divide and conquer id recommend it. I’d also check that you are managing enough time 1:1 with your eldest. Toddlers will act up if it means they’re getting attention, as even negative attention is better than none in their eyes. If you can make sure they get even 15 mins of just you, with no baby, it will help re fill both your cups a bit. Hang in there. Once they start playing and making each other laugh it’s the best feeling.

@Smartiepants79 i rarely use ours, I mean DS would go in it if I did but he would be able to escape from it no problem if I forced him in it to leave a place.

Plus I think what some people are missing a bit is these things are meant to be FOR DS, if it just ends in screaming and fighting and crying is anyone actually benefiting? So then we all stay indoors just winding one another up but that’s not good either.

I feel like such a shit parent.

My toddler will scream her head off but will also do everything possible to actually get out, and usually is able to. Snacks might work sometimes but not always. At least in the carrier once she's in she can't get out (plus she's generally much calmer and happier in it anyway).

And DS doesn’t give a monkeys about snacks by the way.

I'd say the first thing is to slow down.

If you hadn't gone back to the start straight away, nothing would really happen. When we get tense, kids get tense, then they play up even more, we try to control, they lose it.

If he goes the wrong way, just calmly follow or wait. This annoying phase will pass.

Maybe the baby could go in the buggy?

I actually avoid any kind of playpark now for this reason, unless I have someone else there with me.

You really aren't a shit parent. Your relationship with your son is more important than anything else, if staying home with him helps make sure that your relationship remains positive, then that's better than anything else you could be taking him to do. There's plenty of opportunities for learning and exploring at home. Do you have any baby or toddler groups nearby so he can socialise with others and a garden to get him outside in?

I do sort of know what you mean, but at what point do you stop?

So if I’d followed him we could have ended up aimlessly wandering for ages in the cold and wet and mud with a crying baby. Same at parks - just standing there helpless while he decides if he’s going to come down or not. One horrible day with them both was when the baby was more or less still a newborn and we went to a playground, he managed to get out of the enclosed area while I was feeding the baby, someone brought him back to me thank god but then he just kept escaping so had to go but he climbed up some wall and I couldn’t get him down, screaming baby and he had pooed to top it off.

I just feel like crying. So, so overwhelmed and miserable. I hate having him around which makes it sound like I hate him and I don’t, but it just all feels like such a battle.

The problem is it really negatively impacts on the time I spend with him as it makes me so anxious knowing I’m at his mercy.

You're not at his mercy, because if push came to shove you'd pick him up. Take reins with you for if you really need them.

But lots of times we can just ignore slightly annoying behaviour. We don't have to be in control the whole time, unless something needs us to be.

Is your baby on the move yet?

Go to places where your toddler is penned in and you can see the entire area. Then risk assess. Go after the mobile one and just keep the buggy in view. The chance of your baby being stolen is very small, the chance of your toddler falling and hurting himself is much bigger.

@StarlightLime it probably sounds like I’m being difficult but joe does the baby in the pram help? Sorry, I really don’t understand what you mean.

I will be honest and say I find DS at home as difficult as out of it, when we’re out it’s usually nice … unless we have to do something he doesn’t want to do. The thought of twelve hours of him at home fills me with dread a bit. I don’t know how parents coped during lockdown.

My eldest loved the buggy board, would that work OP? Baby in buggy and eldest on the buggy board?

You'd be able to chase after him / physically lift him / climb, etc?

It would work if he was in the buggy and never got out of the buggy!