I’m being horrible to my two year old but I don’t know what to do

[Lightpink]

I feel very much on the edge all the time. I have a two year old and a young baby and whenever we go anywhere I feel tense as I just can’t feel assured my toddler will come with me.

So today for instance we were at an event at a park, weather terrible. I was lost and I needed to go back to the start to find where we were going. Toddler refuses to come with me and goes one way and I panicked and went the other thinking he’d follow and he didn’t. Lashing rain and baby in sling crying and I ended up crying and hit myself in the face as I felt so completely helpless and useless.

I know the standard advice is reins but he just won’t walk with them on and in any event dragging him around (which I would if he decides to go one way) is so awful and difficult, ditto pushchair, and some stuff like parks and soft play I can’t really have him in the pushchair. So I end up all stressed and tearful.

I feel like he’s going to hate me but what can I do, other than not go out? (Tempting.)

@Lightpink you did say you went to soft play (not today, but that you do). I think most posters were aiming to be encouraging about choosing not to go, not hectoring you!

I get it, it's all overwhelming. What support have you got from DH / DP?

It’s the same situation at soft play though, he goes up on the equipment, it’s time to go, I can’t get him away. is the only post I can see which alludes to this. It was in response to another poster who was telling me to go to soft play and I was replying explaining the same things would apply. I can’t remember the last time we went, it really isn’t a pleasant experience. Anyway, what a daft argument. No one has been to soft play!

You don't have to 'physically fight' him!

This is silly OP. Being a parent, ensuring your DS is safe, your baby's needs are being met & none of you are standing in the rain getting soaked is not 'physically fighting' him. It's briefly making sure he is where he needs to be, safely, and it's good for him. Really. He'll become much better at realising what he needs do.

Come on OP, you cried & hit yourself today because your toddler went the opposite direction. That can't go on.

You still haven't mentioned your partner - you really need his support at the moment, assuming that's possible.

From your OP:

some stuff like parks and soft play I can’t really have him in the pushchair. So I end up all stressed and tearful.

Naturally posters assumed you go to soft play 🤷🏻‍♀️ and were trying to help.

I'm heading to bed myself OP - I hope you get some sleep & tomorrow is easier, and that re-reading the thread you'll realise there's a lot of useful advice & support here

Yes, believe me, you do. You have to grab him, carry him while he screams and struggles so you have to physically restrain him, force him into a pushchair and he flings himself around screaming, and wont calm down.

If you have to you have to but it is most definitely a fight.

@EarringsandLipstick for gods sake this is tedious beyond belief

I mention in passing some activities that I find stressful. It’s surely fucking obvious that I’m not looking for ‘Don’t do this activity.’

I have said the thread has been helpful and it has been, even if it has swelled a bit obsessively on fictitious pushchairs. I do know you like an argument but this really isn’t the thread for it.

Haven't rtft but read OPs posts.

OP, DS struggles with transitions and like every 2 year old he has a fixed mindset. He wants to do what he wants to do.

As soon as you lay the law down you enter a battle of wills, and with a 2 year old that means confrontation and probably screaming and tantrumming.

My top tips:
Give a 5 minute, 2 minute, 30 second warning and then count down from 3. I never actually had to say what would happen if I got to zero, it's kind of magical (though we did have to do halves and quarters occasionally).

Make it a race. Last one to get to XXX is a pair of pants (of course, you always lose) or a stinky bum or whatever. Or first one to xxx is the best. Or "I'm going to get there first, you will be second!" - never met a toddler who didn't jump at that.

Distraction. Oh my goodness, what is that, Teddy? I thought I saw something shiny. Let's go and look!

Do funny footsteps. I am taking giant steps to the cafe, I bet I can do it in ten steps. How many giant steps can you do it in? Or skips. Or fairy footsteps.

Give them a spotter list (drawn or orally). On the way to the cafe, let's see if we can find a flower and a shiny conker. If we find one, you can choose your own drink. (You can do similar at the supermarket, a drawn shopping list, just apples, bread, cheese, and milk will keep them busy, especially if they get to tick it off).

Use snacks. "When you get down you can have a button/ sandwich/ drink"

Use yes...later. "Yes we can come down this hill, if the rain stops. Let's go and wait in the cafe. I will get there first, you can be second."

Grant them their wish, in imagination. "You really wanted to go down that hill, didn't you. I wonder what was at the bottom. Maybe it was a magic fairy kingdom with a toadstool house. What do you think it was?". This distracts them into thinking about the possibilities, while you walk them the other way.

Good luck. Just remember, a two year old cares less about screaming in public than you, so tricking them by guile is better than butting heads!

It's brief. It's necessary. He'll adapt. It's not a fight.

It's necessary management of a small child.

Get a double pushchair

It is so hard at that age with two. It will pass but the pushchair saved me

Sorry, what? I've been supportive - or at least that was my intent.

I recognise you're having a really tough time but gosh, this is nasty. You recognise 'I like an argument'? Have you read your own posts.

😂 OP will love this suggestion!

I'm heading to bed myself OP - I hope you get some sleep & tomorrow is easier, and that re-reading the thread you'll realise there's a lot of useful advice & support here

I get it, it's all overwhelming. What support have you got from DH / DP?

No need for the critical comments. OP's at the end of her tether. I'm willing to bet she'll come back & find a lot of the practical advice useful when she's feeling a bit better.

I really think you need to talk to someone and get some real life support. It's totally normal to feel like this, but you sound very alone & without support. I hope you can get some sleep.

@Lightpink

Some of my supportive posts, which you've clearly missed.

I get it's a shitty day. But abusing posters trying to help is also shitty.

Oh no!

Sorry, I only read the OP's opening paragraph, but not the thread. Hope I didn't offend.

@Bluetrue

No, I was only joking ..!

I remember the screaming and having to carry my DS in the rain, in the countryside- he thought he knew the way home but it was the opposite way to home. He was so angry with me. He's not like that now but the screaming still echoes around those hills to this day.
2 year olds can be terrible! It'll get better.🙂

Just seen a few comments with nasty tone. Thought we were here to help each other. Be kind.

This ^^ You are keeping him safe. That's your job. They need to get used to doing things they don't like. That's life. If you loose your temper - apologise.

You can't control a 2 y/o with a baby in a sling. Especially in busy places, like a country park. In those situations the Abu needs to be in the pram. Then you can go and get him down from a climbing frame..

Something has to give or you will become stuck in the house.

@Lightpink please be kind to yourself.
I have two boys, and theres two years and three days between them.
I would suggest as PP has before me to make everything into a game "come on DS let's see if we can spot x,y,z on the way back to the car." "Let's see who can do the best bunny hops back to the car etc."
if you need to go on a road, you give a clear choice of " DS, you either hold my hand and walk nicely back to the car, or go in the buggy." If he won't walk holding your hand, you give two chances (one of each year of his life) and if he still won't, you strap him into his buggy (using all points of the 5 point harness!) and off you push! A double buggy will save your life, forget about the sling for now if DS1 is being tricky. If you need both hands free to rescue him from high up or whatever, a double buggy is much better.
I am also someone who has to get out each and every day, my children even now drive me to insanity in the house!
I can't promise you it's all fun and games, but in a year things will be so much different. It gets easier as they get older.

Sending love ❤️

I have five all 2ish years apart. Honestly most of the advice you’ve gotten here is really good and I hope you do re-read it when you’re feeling less tense. It gets better. 2-3 is usually the most difficult for mine at least and then it’s a whole new world:

Do you think you are depressed? Listening to the language you are using it sounds like you feel very hopeless about everything. Is the Father helpful? Are you angry at the Father? 2 year Olds don't behave. They don't have the cognitive ability to appreciate what you are going through. I think lowering your expectations of his behaviour will help you and appreciating that most times he won't do as he's told and giving both of you extra time for that. It's frustrating not being able to find your way back somewhere but hitting yourself on the head is a response that you need to look into and try to stop.

You need to find your triggers, slow things down, and ask for help. He will be picking up on your feelings towards him so hopefully you can come up with ways to cope with his perfectly normal 2 year old behaviour. This is an extract from Phillipa Perry's book 'the book you wish your parents had read'.

The moment you get stressed and turn it into a battle, his behaviour is going to get ten times worse. It's not easy but the goal is to stop this cycle of everything being a battle. How can you address your anger towards the child's Father too?

I think part of the problem is the people who you were around today. 😉

When I go out with my similar aged children random people stop and tell me I have my hands full (and it was nice to feel seen and that my efforts were acknowledged) or better still saying what a great job I was doing or how amazing I was to get out with such little ones.

You deserve that kind of praise! I think it's brilliant that you're getting outside with them on mini adventures. It's such a hard season of life.

Once the baby is big enough to go on your back that'll make outings so much easier. You'll have both hands free for toddler without the limited reach that a front carry causes. It's worth the time practicing getting them on and off your back!

I also wonder if it's worth rereading the comments on an easier day when you're not feeling quite so stressed, and seeing if there are any ideas you can try when from posts where the majority of the post is trying to persuade you to do something you've ruled out.

You could ask Home Start for help if they operate in your area. 6 months of a volunteer coming for a couple of hours a week. The extra pair of hands could make for a MUCH easier outing each week. And they're lovely and kind and encouraging.

But most of all, please know that you're doing a wonderful thing in taking care of your dear little ones and, what's more, getting them out of the house.

I think most parents of toddlers experience the sheer frustration you're struggling with at some point, if they're honest. I did - and do. Yes, all phases pass. And yes, as time goes on you'll find new tricks and techniques and helpful routines. But it's really hard and you're doing well. 💐

I think the root if the problem here is that you don't like fighting your
Child (who does?!) but also you are dealing with a two year old who cannot be reasoned with. He's 2, not 4 so he won't understand that if he walks in one direction he's going to get cold and wet and hungry, but if he walks in the other direction, towards the car he'll stay warm and stay and won't get hungry or tired. And he won't understand even if you explain it too him. All he sees is a nice sloshy puddle and a stick over there, not a boring ride in the car.

If you're not going to physically carry or force him into a pushchair you're going to have to wrap up and allow extra time. Bring snacks for yourself - keep if fun and light and play a game of chasing you as you run in the direction of the car/ hint for big sticks/red leaves what ever.

If you look at it from his point of view, why would he do what you say?

He's two. Two year olds do what the hell they like, have loads of energy, can't be reasoned with and don't have the vocabulary to explain what they do want. There will be times when you are going to need to physically pick him up and carry him kicking and screaming. Once you realise that, you'll realise it's not him or you, it's just how toddlers are.

Op; why don’t you give your doctor or health visitor a call please? People are trying to be helpful but focusing on taking kids out, not the root cause which is your mental health.

also it appears you’re not a single parent but are married. Does your husband know how you’re feeling? As I think he needs to take time off work so you can have support.

In all honesty, reading this whole thread, I think you have post natal depression.

Reading your post reminds me of what I was like with PND. Especially how reluctant you are to consider all the reasonable advice in this thread that would help you re prams, and straps etc and especially because you said you are struggling in the home too.

Please consider talking to your GP or health visitor. They can help you.