I’m being horrible to my two year old but I don’t know what to do

[Lightpink]

I feel very much on the edge all the time. I have a two year old and a young baby and whenever we go anywhere I feel tense as I just can’t feel assured my toddler will come with me.

So today for instance we were at an event at a park, weather terrible. I was lost and I needed to go back to the start to find where we were going. Toddler refuses to come with me and goes one way and I panicked and went the other thinking he’d follow and he didn’t. Lashing rain and baby in sling crying and I ended up crying and hit myself in the face as I felt so completely helpless and useless.

I know the standard advice is reins but he just won’t walk with them on and in any event dragging him around (which I would if he decides to go one way) is so awful and difficult, ditto pushchair, and some stuff like parks and soft play I can’t really have him in the pushchair. So I end up all stressed and tearful.

I feel like he’s going to hate me but what can I do, other than not go out? (Tempting.)

Actually it IS helpful @Agadododoo because it makes me realise it isn’t just me.

It isn’t just the non existent buggy though, it’s actually physically getting to him to get him in the phantom pushchair!

Haha I have this too! I just man handle him (sometimes this means carrying him horizontally under my one arm with no shoes on)
But yeah, with a baby in sling I've not had to experience this 😬 could you arrange your days out with someone to help? Mum, sister, in law or friend??

@Lightpink I do remember it well - I once ended up getting my phone out to call my DH as DS1 was refusing to move. I was using a pram and buggy board and he was just not budging. In the end he saw the phone took it and got on the buggy board.

Of all the times - when ds1 was a toddler and ds2 was a baby was probably the hardest (until the teenage years!) bizarrely when I had a 4 yr old, 2 yr old and a new born it was lovely.

Similar to another pp I am an experienced, competent teacher who was considered an expert in managing tricky behaviour but dealing with my toddler ds1 and baby ds2 was very very hard.

Fwiw in the end what worked was giving her a choice - do you want to get in the buggy or shall I put you in? And in the end she figured out that either way she'd end up in the buggy so she stopped fighting. Again, no idea how you do that while carrying a baby in a sling...

You have to use the pushchair. I still do with mine as still not reliably walking with me, will flop down in tantrum at times or to refuse to walk, etc. I will let dc walk until dc is no longer listening to me (stay with mummy, please).
It takes time and some learn to stay close when out and about earlier than others. There are struggles at times when I pop dc back into stroller and I always using the straps. I just say, "mummy needs you here in the stroller to be safe for a while" give a kiss and leave it at that. I am as calm and gentle as I can be when I put dc back in and I also say things like, "We need to stay together right now, darling." There are a lot of instances now where dc will walk right beside stroller holding onto the side. Give yourself a break. Absolutely nothing wrong with using it!!!!

Can u give him ur phone for 5-10min as a distraction whilst you get him in buggy? I sometimes have to do this too til he's calmed down then take it off him

I would really appreciate it if people would stop suggesting the pushchair. It isn’t helpful at all for the sorts of things I am trying to explain and I don’t think there’s much to be gained by repeating myself over and over.

@MidnightOnceMore I am not deliberately rejecting anything but I’ve explained the sorts of challenges we face. I think it’s totally fine to accept it’s just a wait this one out sort of thing, I don’t mind that, it makes me feel less shit! But really, walking through mud following a two year old while a baby is cold and distressed - that just isn’t fair.

Pick your battles when and where.

So is he at a soft play safe? Let him wonder around freely. Is he in an enclosed playground, let him wounded round freely.

Walking in the street he has to have a wrist strap or reigns and if he doesn't want to it's in the pushchair he goes upset or not. I have to admit I loved babywearing and my youngest never even had a pushchair but by the time I had more then one I used the double pushchair more more and by the time I had number three she was almost never worn. I just found it too difficult to manage the others with baby attached to my front.

I am sorry you are struggling to much. You are not a shit mum and you are not harming him. It's just hard having a toddler and a baby.

I've got my own thread on here at the moment basically trying to process my own feelings about how I am failing at parenting in very similar circumstances to yours as far as I can tell.

Some of the practical things I do at times:

• lots of outdoor but fenced in places such as stay and play at a farm where I can have baby in sling, other mums and the leaders around to help and a fixed ending to the session so everyone goes home at the same time (this helps massively!)

-Time going to places that have no fixed ending carefully so that I can say it's time to go home to see Dadda for lunch (snacks don't work here either!)

• Use countdowns and natural endings
• Toy and book rotation to keep home interesting
• Block toddler and the rest of us in the living room so can't run riot around the house whilst I'm feeding baby
• Take a treasured item in the car on every outing so that I can say we'll be reunited with it when we go back to the car
• Make baby wait sometimes as much as safe/possible so it's not always toddler having to watch me tend to someone else before them
• Use baby naps to play with toddler not do chores
• Narrate to the baby all the amazing things toddler is doing so even when I'm tending to baby toddler is still getting some input at times

Toddler is too little for a buggy board and loves reins, but insists on holding the end! I generally negotiate that the end is either strapped to the pushchair, or to me or toddler has to go in the double pram or carrier.

But I hear you. It's amazing and challenging and rewarding and draining all at once!

There have been threads about this sort of thing before:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/6142-loss-of-affection-for-first-child-following-birth-of-second

Or here:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/2606662-Detaching-from-older-children-after-babys-birth

Hope you can find a way to stop your relationship with D's from deteriorating.

This x100.

I have a 2 year old and an almost 1 year old and this is exactly how I handle my pair.

Ignore him if he screams about being strapped in, he'll get used to it.

Oh OP I have been you (twice). I have 3 DC and each baby has only like being in the sling for the first few months therefore leaving me chasing after one (or two) toddlers with them strapped to me. I remember actually crying one time trying to get all 3 of them out of a park and back to the car when the eldest 2 were having a meltdown over wanting an ice cream from a closed ice cream kiosk!.

All I can say is, it won't last forever!! I promise. I'm that nuts that I chose to go through it again and I still had to keep reminding myself of that regularly. My advice...

1. Choose your battles, some places are just off limits for now. They won't be forever.
2. There's nothing wrong with a few snack bribes at this stage in your lives.
3. Even though they don't like the buggy try to take it along and incentivise getting in it with the above snacks or other bribes
4. My eldest 2 much preferred a buggy board at that age, have you tried that.
5. Wine! Lots of wine in the fridge for when you get home.

It will pass. Good luck 😊

This is where you need the buggy though, isn't it?

Surely cross toddler safely contained in buggy while you head towards the visitor centre is a million times less stressful than toddler heading off to god knows where and you can't really control him because you have the baby in a sling and then you lose him completely?

@MidnightOnceMore I am not deliberately rejecting anything but I’ve explained the sorts of challenges we face
But these "challenges" aren't exclusive to you (although it probably feels like it).
There's nothing unique about your situation at all.

Woah - no one said I had stopped loving him after having the second.

I love him very much but I do find him challenging. I don’t think he is, it’s me.

Thinking about it I think the issue is I don’t feel confident or in control of situations. I realise many of you feel pushchairs are the way to achieve this and I disagree for practical and I suppose emotional reasons, but that’s what is at the heart of the problem and it’s good to recognise that.

My oldest DC is ASD so didn't listen brilliantly and can run off. He's 4 and I still can't take him anywhere near roads on his balance bike. DC2 also runs off and is really naughty. I have a newborn DC3. On the days I have the older ones (they also go to nursery a few days a week) I either do a toddler class/playgroup or I go to indoor play places where they are contained. Very small indoor play places, trampoline parks etc. A pram is essential for extracting an unwilling toddler, I either strap the toddler in and sling the baby. I've had to literally kneel on my toddler to strap him in before. Or I put the baby in the pram and I literally throw my tantruming 13kg toddler over my shoulder. Incredibly low expectations is key but getting out is always worth it in my opinion.

I don’t think I claimed they were @StarlightLime and if I said or I implied this it wasn’t the intention, I’m just not in a great place at the moment and am working through my feelings .

To be fair thus far I have never taken my two to soft play together on my own and they're 5.5 and 2 as I say.

So with that one maybe just avoid it for now unless you have someone else to go with you/meet up with who could stand with the baby for a minute whilst you run in and drag DC1 out if necessary!

Could you do playgroups instead? Ones where babies and toddlers can come? At least then DS is enclosed.
I had a newborn and 2.5 year old and is is hard. 2.5 went in the garden a fair bit. Is that possible? Get some wellies and a rain suit. Maybe a mud kitchen.

What helped me (a bit) was remembering that I was in charge. I had a natural authority as a parents. Yes DS was going to kick up a fuss - but because he was a toddler and that’s his way to communicate.
And rules that were consistent- so that could be 1. Always reins when outside the house or 2. Hold my hand or the pushchair. If refusal then swiftly strap DS firmly into pushchair. if he can wriggle out then possibly the straps need to be tighter or you need to be firmer. Reasonably soon they realise that you mean it. I found getting to DS level, and short instructions and having him look me in the eye helped.

At some points both or one of them will be crying. It’s ok. It’s normal. Sometimes I would wear earplugs when walking them both in the double buggy.
Could DS do some mornings at a nursery. To give you a break?

It does get better but those early days are hard.

So we’re at the park and DS refuses to leave and I have to grab him, force him screaming into a pushchair and go home - and this is meant to reduce stress?

I completely get your point, nothing triggers me more than when they’re crying in the pram/car seat BUT you do know that he’s safe in the process and even if it’s stressful you can get away from the situation. My toddler throws a fit every time we have to leave the park but at least the buggy means i can quickly get her away and she calms down.

Can you go to a small soft play and let him go off on his own? Or look for any role play cafes or play cafes near you so you can have a hot drink while he plays? I’ve found them a god send.

If you're dead set on carrying the baby and having the toddler uncontained and with no buggy/reins, I would really consider where you take them. Don't make life harder for yourself.

I'm a parent of three and a childminder and definitely would not take a baby and a loose and unreliable 2 year old to a big country park, that's a very ambitious outing!
Think small, safe, other people around to help - church hall toddler groups, small softplays, fenced off playgrounds.

@StarlightLime why are you coming across so mean and argumentative? The OP is clearly struggling

We do a fair amount of different things. I think it is recognising I don’t feel confident that DS will do as he’s told, basically. The end is hopefully in sight.

Are you a bit anxious about saying no to him, or making him do something he doesn't want to? Being an authority figure?

@jesshomeEd the problem is I didn’t, really, it was DS who decided to hare off into it

There was a small event on which involved some petting animals. We arrived, parked and DS wanted to go to the play area which was fine, then he started asking to see the animals. I didn’t know where they were, went to ask and he kept screaming THIS way at me 🤷🏼‍♀️ who knows what goes on in the mind of a toddler!