I’m being horrible to my two year old but I don’t know what to do

[Lightpink]

I feel very much on the edge all the time. I have a two year old and a young baby and whenever we go anywhere I feel tense as I just can’t feel assured my toddler will come with me.

So today for instance we were at an event at a park, weather terrible. I was lost and I needed to go back to the start to find where we were going. Toddler refuses to come with me and goes one way and I panicked and went the other thinking he’d follow and he didn’t. Lashing rain and baby in sling crying and I ended up crying and hit myself in the face as I felt so completely helpless and useless.

I know the standard advice is reins but he just won’t walk with them on and in any event dragging him around (which I would if he decides to go one way) is so awful and difficult, ditto pushchair, and some stuff like parks and soft play I can’t really have him in the pushchair. So I end up all stressed and tearful.

I feel like he’s going to hate me but what can I do, other than not go out? (Tempting.)

Morning OP hope you’re feeling a bit better today, I have no words of wisdom I’m afraid but reading your post brought back memories of those days when with my eldest DS. It was horrendous. That out of control/feeling like a crap parent/self blaming was so so tough. I struggled so much at the time. And in retrospect there were no magic solutions. I have learned to give myself a break and some self calming techniques since then but wouldn’t have had the time or energy to do that at the time! Which is all to say you are not alone in this even if it sometimes seems like it. Hopefully some of the more helpful posts above will have some practical tips and ignore the nit picking ones 💐

Morning OK, seconding the hope that you are feeling a bit better this morning.

Reading all your posts, it really does sound like you're struggle might be from lack of support and/or some level of post natal depression or anxiety. You sound a bit hopeless and are responding with stress to suggestions that are mostly intended to be helpful.

Do you have any support? Anyone you can vent to?

The early days are TOUGH. It's hard to meet everyone's needs. My eldest became mostly the preserve of DH and my parents when my boys were small. Do you have help? It doesn't sound like you do.

Your expectations of yourself and your child are quite high. 2 year olds will test boundaries, and also just do totaly daft things. They don't do as they are told! This usually gets worse when a new baby gets added into the mix. But it improves gradually - your child gains understanding and the baby needs less constant attention.

You're probably absolutely shattered and massively suffering and stressed. It won't always be this bad! You will get back to enjoying your eldest.

@Lightpink this is bringing me flashbacks of the toddler days!

It is HARD. I totally understand where you're coming from.

I'm still traumatised years later by some incidents - times when I just physically couldn't get one of them into a buggy or car seat as they were fighting it so much. Running off onto main roads. Both running off in different directions. Disappearing in supermarkets. The list goes on.

I remember the tears and frustration and feeling like a failure and there just isn't an easy solution.

In so far as possible try to plan around it -I only took DS to one playground that was small and only had one exit as it reduced the risk of him bolting. Try to build time into your plans for the negotiations, the waiting, the chasing them in the opposite direction to where you want to go. It's not always possible though I know.

If you're really struggling emotionally with it I'd definitely consider PND - the comment about hitting yourself in the face in your first post really chimes with me and I've found ADs really helpful for me in emotional regulation.

This sounds really hard. If it’s any use at all, I see loads of kids that age and older getting really upset leaving an activity after it’s done or my kids friends crying when it’s time to go home after a play date etc. I def think it’s still worthwhile for them , but the question is whether on balance, the benefit of getting out is greater, for you, than the burden of dealing with the aftermath. Can I check - do you mean you walked into something and hit your face or you hit yourself in the face?

is your son getting one on one time with you or your husband when he is home? Maybe it’s better for you to think of the week as a whole rather than a day, and how you and your husband as a team are treating your son?

Hi OP, haven't read the whole thread but this leapt out at me - about soft play bringing out the worst in him? There are certain things I just don't let my son do because they somehow turn him into a horrible demon (screen time is the biggy for him - I genuinely believe it does something to his brain!). Don't be afraid to say (to yourself, id nothing else) that you just don't do soft play (for example) because it doesn't agree with him.

Sorry it's hard. My two have a bigger age gap but I still remember the tearful hideousness of those early days. It will get better! You're not a rubbish parent.

I too think antidepressants might help you OP. But it does make me angry that the structure of modern society means that we think it's perfectly reasonable for women to do this task day in day out with little or no support and to treat the inevitable mental and physical fallout with pills as if the problem is with the mother. Homestart and children's centres were in their dying days when mine were tiny but at least their existence was evidence that looking after your very own small children all the time is hard!! I used to have friends who would go home to stay with their mum, who would look after them and the kids for a week or so, and it would make me want to weep. My own mum is great but had her own stuff to deal with so that was never a possibility for me. I spent a good four years red in the face, straggly-haired and in the verge of tears.

I'm only saying this op because while the answer does lie with you you're not the only one and it is a hard, hard job you're doing. On the pushchair front I am listening but I will say that getting the baby out of the sling helped me because then when she was crying she wasn't crying right in my face.

Oh bless you OP - I think this is the root of it. You have set yourself impossibly high standards and I'm guessing are determined to follow gentle parenting principles, but it's making your life (and your son's) so stressful

Wrestling a toddler into a buggy is a MILLION times better than losing him in a public place and then punching yourself in the face while holding your baby - that is physically and emotionally unsafe for everyone.

It's ok to have boundaries, to keep your child safe, to impose your will on them. Not just ok, but necessary.

I wonder if you have a local children's centre you could reach out to? See if there are any groups available, especially around low mood or deal with toddler parenting, parenting generally? Having a supportive real-life peer group to chat about how people deal with these real life scenarios can be really helpful.

Also - any parent of more than one child will know, that sometimes your principles have to change a bit once you have the second one!
With the first you can be determined to never force them to do anything, or have no screen time, or never let them sleep in your bed - but with two it's sometimes needs must! It's not a failure.

I've just seen someone mention Home Start - I think that's a great idea! They can match you with a volunteer who is an experienced mum, who can offer a listening ear and emotional support, but also help you get out of the house safely with two. See if they are operating in your area - you can ask your HV to refer you or you can refer yourself directly.

I also understand the OPs apparent reluctance around using a buggy etc.

I had one of those toddlers who insisted on doing things themselves and the "just pick them up and put them in" would result in them screaming, kicking, doing the "plank" so you couldn't actually get their bum in place so you could strap them in.

I remember once on a cold rainy evening after I'd spent about 15 minutes getting soaked trying to get him into the seat just letting him sit in the footwell in the back of the car while I sat in the front, everyone crying, for a further 30 minutes until he'd calmed down and I could get him strapped in. Hideous.

@CroccyWoccy I think that's literally all toddlers though, or at least the majority? Most parents have certainly had to do the knee in the stomach to get the planking toddler into the car seat/buggy!

I think some toddlers are just another level though. I definitely had to physically restrain my first sometimes (changing nappies with a leg over their body, the knee to deal with the plank etc). My second could just be impossible though. It wasn't about 'gentle parenting', I sometimes physically couldn't get him into a buggy or car seat when he was really worked up.

Sometimes you just have to do it though, regardless - it's not like you could be 45 minutes late collecting child 1 from school/nursery because the toddler decides not to get in the car seat.
I know it's not ideal and no one wants to have to wrestle their toddler, but sometimes you just have to do it, especially when you have 2 or 3 children.

I did have to completely reconfigure our arrangements for school and nursery drop offs and picks up as it was such a nightmare.

And I definitely wasn't averse to wrestling him, he was really just next-level.

God dealing with two kids at once is tough. You can't always meet both their needs, sometimes one or both or all of you will be crying. And sadly you can't expect a 2yo to listen and behave unless they're freakishly compliant and you're very lucky.

My friends have a 3yo and a 7yo I often help out with, and even now the 7yo will sometimes climb up equipment and refuse to come down or dissolve into hysterical tears when it's time to leave somewhere fun - even after doing plenty of ten/five/three/one more minutes countdowns. Transitions aren't easy. For both of them I've so often heard "right it's bath time" cue refusal and a meltdown as doesn't want to stop what they're doing and go in the bath. Then half an hour later "right time to get out of the bath" - hysterics as want to stay in there. You also sometimes have to have arguments or physical restraint to get clothes on, brush teeth, daily inhaler, and don't get me started on when the 3yo had to have eyedrops for conjunctivitis.

Sometimes you have to physically impose your will on children for their own good. Making a game of things, bribery, explaining logic, all that can work at times. But if a child, particularly a toddler, is strong willed and doesn't want to do what you need to do, ultimately you have to impose it on them and make it happen. It doesn't mean you've failed. Sometimes the benefit of a nice-to-have activity may be outweighed by the stress of it, so could be best to avoid and reduce expectations as far as possible. But ultimately a 2yo won't hate you for wrestling him into a car seat, everyone has had to do it.

I know it's hard op. But you're not modelling the behaviour you want from your 2yo when you're getting angry, shouting, crying and hitting yourself in the face when things don't go well. If you're calm but firm then it should make a lot of difference. You said you roared at him because he kept asking you to sit on the chair but you couldnt - in this scenario I would calmly say no ds, mummy's sitting here and then completely ignore him if he carried on or started having a tantrum. I wouldn't keep arguing with him or start yelling. You need to really look at your own behaviour because I think it's rubbing off on your son.

So to share I had an awful parenting moment last weekend. At zoo in pouring rain with 2 and 5 year old. 5 year good as gold. 2 year has tantrum as he wants to be carried not sit in buggy or walk. He is too heavy to carry and push buggy. I strapped him in screaming And thrashing to get part way to car.

It felt awful and he was so loud and unhappy.

Eventually I stoped. Gave him a cuddle and calmly explained that mummy wouldn't be taking him out again . He stopped crying and sat in buggy.

As others have said - take snacks - works as bribes and distractions when you need to feed.

Also pick your locations carefully to reduce your stress. I loved at that age fenced playgrounds with one exit.

I have also asked help from other parents when I have lost a child. People will help.

I found I needed to get out or I would go insane but only places where I could cope on my own with both boys

Totally get you @Lightpink . I feel like we're just coming out of the other side of this, there's 22 months between mine and the first year was hard. I spent a lot of time feeling really anxious about how to manage both of them safely without being driven loopy by having them at home all the time. A lot of days I would wake up feeling sick at the thought of managing them for another day, outings were for my mental sanity and certainly not for my enjoyment. A phrase I always try and remember is "it's just a bad 5 minutes not a bad day" and try and concentrate on all the things that went well as well as the screaming/ tantrumming. Appreciate you don't want buggy advice but the double was like a safety blanket for me in that I had somewhere to strap them both in if needed, even if I didn't end up using it most days (free range toddler and baby in sling). Have extracted crying toddler from lots of places kind of balanced around baby in sling, my best mothering moment was rescuing toddler from top of soft play frame whilst simultaneously breastfeeding newborn without unlatching! It does get better!! Toddler is recently 3 and feel confident enough to have switched to single buggy now although now baby is walking she wants out most of the time, again buggy is for my safety blanket and the knowledge that I could strap one if necessary. I have a list of places I feel confident managing two and a separate list for places I would definitely need another adult. We do a lot of supermarket outings with one contained in the trolley. Would your Ds get on with one of those trikes with a push handle?

Hitting yourself in the face is a sign of Uber stress. Do you have any help? Mother, father?
Can you go out with a friend to help?
Mine was a bit like that. I had to grab her hand to get her to walk sensibly across the road.
Is he in nursery full time? She was and I think they don't learn to walk easily. He probably is upset the baby has come so is acting up a lot.

Try pushchair. Try indoor outings to friends houses. Where he can play with other 2 year olds.
Quieter parks. Try not to let him see you hitting yourself. I really feel for you.

I've hit myself in the face when really stressed. When husband and sister have drilled into me not leaving me any space to be me.

It's awful. You need exercise. A rest. A break.
2 is awful. 3 and 4 especially so much better. A joy.

2 is cute but very hard.

I guess you need to go out with other mothers. That might help. Or family members.
Is there a park within walking distance?
Toddlers never want to leave parks. At least mine didn't at this age.
Can you drop baby at a family members house and go to park with toddler?
At this age they can't talk much so it's all physical. It gets their stress out.
Can you feed baby at home and not at the park.
Are you BF? Maybe think about a bottle at night at least.
Can you do physical stuff with him at home when baby is asleep? Might help bond you x

This gives me hope.