I’m being horrible to my two year old but I don’t know what to do

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I feel very much on the edge all the time. I have a two year old and a young baby and whenever we go anywhere I feel tense as I just can’t feel assured my toddler will come with me.

So today for instance we were at an event at a park, weather terrible. I was lost and I needed to go back to the start to find where we were going. Toddler refuses to come with me and goes one way and I panicked and went the other thinking he’d follow and he didn’t. Lashing rain and baby in sling crying and I ended up crying and hit myself in the face as I felt so completely helpless and useless.

I know the standard advice is reins but he just won’t walk with them on and in any event dragging him around (which I would if he decides to go one way) is so awful and difficult, ditto pushchair, and some stuff like parks and soft play I can’t really have him in the pushchair. So I end up all stressed and tearful.

I feel like he’s going to hate me but what can I do, other than not go out? (Tempting.)

Goodness, please ignore the guilt trippers OP, they are talking rubbish, you can love your child and still find it hard looking after them at the same time, it's not mutually exclusive. If that helps, my 2 year old hates the pram too but sometimes it's just unavoidable, she screams bloody murder for a bit and when she realises it's not going her way, she just stops. I was wary for setting her off at first, but then after a few times it wasn't as bad, toddlers are clever and know how to push your buttons, staying firm just shows who's the boss really. Good luck xx

I have a just turned two year old with a speech delay and a six month old so I feel your pain. My two year old has learnt “no”, “stop” and “get down” very quickly and I recently horrified my gentle parent friend (with one gentle three year old) by shouting “NO” so loudly I made 6 other children freeze. You’ve got to get the “voice” OP. The voice of I Mean Business and you need to be un afraid of the tantrum that will follow.

I had an epic one a couple of weeks ago. Desperate to climb up the death trap slide meant for older kids and I had the baby in the carrier so I said no. Tried to distract, tried a bribe - he kept going back for this bloody slide. I then had to do an eye level “I told you no” in the I’m Not Taking Any Shit voice and he threw himself to the ground and screamed and screamed. What could I do? Can’t pick him up with the baby so I just had to let him scream while the other parents watched with delight that it wasn’t their two year old kicking off that day. It wasn’t great but when we went back to the park the following week he listened when I said no to the big slide and played happily with the stuff I could see him on.

@jesshomeEd no, I wouldn’t say so, but the problem is that a mountain gets made out of a molehill.

So - it’s raining and I want to leave, I climb up on some piece of equipment and drag DS off it - if we put the safety concerns of that to one side - and he goes completely batshit and has a screaming meltdown that lasts for a good hour and probably beyond and refuses lunch because he’s enraged and then is horrid all afternoon as tired and hungry

or

use my powers of persuasion or manipulation

then I choose the latter

This definitely seems to be the root of the issue for you - you and your toddler are having an equal say in what you do and where you go, maybe even he has more control?

Toddlers aren't reasonable. He only has a few months of life experience, he can't make decisions or keep himself safe - he is relying on you to be in charge even though he's screaming that he wants to do it himself. That's the state of being of toddlers!

It's ok for you to be in charge, and make him do things when you know its the best thing for you, him and the baby. He's not going to just be sensible and do what he is told, he isn't developmentally able to do that yet.

He's 2. Ignoring you is part of the deal. 2yr olds want to do what they want, not what you or his sister wants. That's how it is, for children the world over. It's a challenging age gap.

The thing is that he's just doing what 2yr olds do. He's not being naughty, or wilful, or horrible, he's just being 2. So you have to make the rules. And be consistent, however hard that is.

You are giving yourself extra challenges by not using a buggy for one or both of them. That's entirely your prerogative but you can't then blame your son for it. Neither of them will suffer if they cry because they don't like something, and chances are if you are consistent they will soon get used to it anyway.

But you are the grown up, this is for you to fix it's not your sons responsibility. His sister crying isn't a good reason to get snapped at, you need to learn to manage your feelings about her crying.

It's tough, but this too will pass, like every other challenging phase. Try and stick to trips where you can be in control for a while.

The post was helpful but the buggy talk is not, I don’t think every problem is solved by forcing a non compliant child into a buggy! And as indicated above it can create problems as well as solve them. But the rest of the post was helpful and thank you for that.

Indoor toddler groups were my lifeline at this age and stage! The kind in church halls run by volunteers who happily held babies and played with toddlers while I got a cup of tea and a slice of cake in peace. Playgrounds are miserable at this time of year anyway, and more so with a cold cranky baby.
Interestingly, while I hated the toddler stage (18 months to preschool especially, where they’re so fast but with no capacity for reasoning) I loved having teenagers.. people say it gets worse, but honestly every year it got better. Hang in there

And by the way - I am certainly not blaming him for her crying, but it is stressful and it is unfortunately easy to snap when stressed, I do want to do better for both of them but there is no conscious decision there.

Op are you a single parent? Do you have help?

this isn’t about your children or a pushchair, no idea why folks are going on and on.

the issue is you’re not coping, hitting yourself on the face, anxious, and shouting at your son, you said you roared at him tonight, which must have terrified him.

so the answer here is you need help. Do you have a partner who can take some time off to be with you for a couple of weeks? Family who can come and stay with you?

if not, you may need to ask for help , maybe speak to your health visitor or the gp as a first step.

It's very tricky. I always used to get them moving in the right direction with a question that enabled them to have a bit of power over what they were going to do next rather than what they were trying to do now. e.g. 'It's raining. We need to get home and get dry. Then would you like a biscuit and some cocoa or a banana and some milk?' Keep the conversation going to distract him from the fact he's accidentally doing as he's told.

My DC3 went through a phase of not listening like you're describing - worse than my others. I used to stick to enclosed places when on my own, playgroups, a really good messy play group and national trust.

I used to wear DC4 but if needed I'd pick DC3 up, either directly behind DC4 or under my arm.

It helped to focus DC3 mind, 'let's see how many x we can see on the way back to the car' 'shall we do y when we get home'.

Honestly though a bit of shouting from a toddler is normal.

Well, unfortunately I don’t have any help. In context I roared at him because he wanted me to sit on a chair which I couldn’t because I was holding the baby. I answered him nicely a number of times and eventually just snapped and roared I CAN’T. He didn’t seem terrified which isn’t to say it was a nice or acceptable way to behave and I did apologise immediately but of course the damage was done. However, it did work while nicely explaining I couldn’t didn’t so who knows, and this is where it’s so bloody hard. All the well meaning advice gets you nowhere then a damn good shout does

OK, but it’s safer, less wet and warm!

Taking two very young children out to ‘have fun’ in the cold and rain? And you expect it to go well?
I’d be planning better activities. And consider nursery!

Sorry I haven't read the full thread incase it's already been suggested but what about a buggy board for the toddler?

But shouting is very damaging to a child.
some excellent suggestions here.
please contact hv for support and resources.
you sound exhausted and we're not ourselves in that state.

@Mariposista sigh. Without going into intricate details, no. But in any event, the activity itself is by the by to a certain extent.

@Mumtobabyhavoc thank you. I have done it now: I apologised and tried to put it right, but I did it and I cannot unfortunately undo it now. What I can do is try not to get to that point in future.

context I roared at him because he wanted me to sit on a chair which I couldn’t because I was holding the baby. Was there a reason you couldn't put the baby down? Or sit with her on your lap?

I don’t think traipsing around in cold rain with a young baby would have been very fair but the weather has been forecast for weeks so it was fairly inevitable really.

nearly every time I’ve snapped at DS has been because she’s been crying. But she's in a sling and coming to no harm?

I think you are answering your own questions here OP. You know you are being unreasonable and that your expectations of your son are too high. It's sounds very much like the new baby is 'taking over' everything. Imagine how that feels to a two year old who has had your undivided attention until now.

You need to find some coping strategies before it becomes a cycle of behaviour neither of you can get out of. Maybe speak to your HV or GP?

An hour long tantrum has got to be preferable to seeing your mum lose her shit and hit herself. Come on OP. Consider the alternatives suggested.

Have you tried a bit of good old reverse psychology on him?
The don't you dare beat me to that lamp post there (happens to be in the direction you want to go). And then let him win?
Turn as many things as possible into a game he thinks he's winning but actually your winning because he's doing what you want him to do!

Soft play or role play places with a toddler who really doesn't listen is so much harder than outdoors in the cold! Indoors there are other children who might be targeted/mischief at every turn so you have to be on guard all the time. I have only been to soft play once and my toddler spent the whole time running off to the toilets and the cafe.

I don't understand.

Put one or the other in a pram/buggy. Get him a buggy board?

All for the sling but sometimes it's easier for everyone to have a pram aswell, can't be a martyr or super mum 24/7

Keeping kids safe and occasionally using a buggy doesn't make you any less of a mum and the need to only have a walking toddler and a baby in a sling.

He won't go in a buggy? You mean he owns you and you bow down to him, you're the adult.

Either a double buggy or pram for baby with buggy board doesn't have to be expensive

She was on my lap @nokidshere . I know you’re trying to help but when people respond with those sort of things you just end up having to explain all the finer details of your life, home, furniture. I couldn’t safely sit on this particular chair with them both, that’s all really.

She doesn’t live in the sling although sometimes it feels that way. Snapping occurrences are (for example) when she’s been crying in the car seat and DS is spending ages climbing in and I’m standing there feeling my hair growing waiting.

I really wish people would stop laying into me for venturing briefly outside. Elsewhere on here you just get told to put a puddle suit on and get on with things. We went to an event in a barn and DS wanted to go on a play area, which wasn’t a problem, it only became a problem when he wanted to find the barn and I wasn’t sure where it was.

@Pancakefam after an hour of DS tantrums I really am not very calm or rational. They are horrendous.

if you don’t understand, don’t comment, there are all sorts of things I don’t understand but I don’t pass comment on, precisely because I lack the understanding to do so.