I’m being horrible to my two year old but I don’t know what to do

[Lightpink]

I feel very much on the edge all the time. I have a two year old and a young baby and whenever we go anywhere I feel tense as I just can’t feel assured my toddler will come with me.

So today for instance we were at an event at a park, weather terrible. I was lost and I needed to go back to the start to find where we were going. Toddler refuses to come with me and goes one way and I panicked and went the other thinking he’d follow and he didn’t. Lashing rain and baby in sling crying and I ended up crying and hit myself in the face as I felt so completely helpless and useless.

I know the standard advice is reins but he just won’t walk with them on and in any event dragging him around (which I would if he decides to go one way) is so awful and difficult, ditto pushchair, and some stuff like parks and soft play I can’t really have him in the pushchair. So I end up all stressed and tearful.

I feel like he’s going to hate me but what can I do, other than not go out? (Tempting.)

She doesn’t live in the sling although sometimes it feels that way. Snapping occurrences are (for example) when she’s been crying in the car seat and DS is spending ages climbing in and I’m standing there feeling my hair growing waiting.

Why do you feel you have to stand and wait for your DS to faff about and climb in while the baby's crying though? Just pick him up and put him in.
Remind yourself, you are in charge!

For any newbies on the thread NO BUGGIES NO REINS suggestions - not saying I agree or disagree with any of the reasons shared in either direction but feels like it could be a bit frustrating for everyone..

@Mumtobabyhavoc Repeated shouting at a child yes is damaging. Shouting at a child occasionally is, basically, the reality of parenthood. I'm sure someone will come along and say they have never shouted at their child and fine, maybe they haven't .....but The vast majority of parents will shout at their child sometime - it's human, the important thing is what you 'do' with that shouting afterwards. As the OP explained they apologised and that IS the right thing to do. We all make mistakes, showing a child that you should own up to those mistakes and say sorry is really important.

Back to OP @Lightpink sorry.......I don't have any suggestions. I only have one child (who is a toddler) and who I often struggle with and feel like a shit mum to as a result.

Someone earlier made a comment about sometimes going with their will (today I spent a good ten minutes in the pouring rain staring at a drain with my LO for 'toddler reasons') and sometimes doing the enforcing bit (I dragged her out of asda yesterday kicking and screaming because i wouldn't let her throw baubles off the Xmas tree - yes a Xmas tree on the 1st Nov, the horror).

Parents who have 2 + kids you have my utmost respect especially when parenting single handedly. It's a f*ing tough gig. I suspect, like most things in parenting, it will get easier and then replaced with things that are differently hard. My only reflection is that some of your DS behaviour might be because he is jealous of the baby and he is getting attention from you, albeit negatively through his behaviour. Not that that helps, but quality 1:1 time if that's possible could be helpful and certainly might make you feel a bit more positive as well.

Take care x

@Flittingaboutagain to be honest even though I’ve had a tough day I recognise it’s me not him … DS is honestly rather nice normally but my god soft play brings out the worst in him. I haven’t been to a role play place but I think he’d probably obsess over one in particular and can be - how to put this - not very tolerant of other children who may also want to use it!

Whenever one of mine was being a twat and didn't want to come with me etc, I used to just shrug and pretend I didn't give a shit. I also used to pretend I was leaving. Usually worked.

Dc2 was an utter shit about getting into their car seat to go to nursery. Dc2 was a shit about many things. But I needed to be in work by 745. Every morning was a battle; trying to wrangle her in. The neighbours heard everything. I often turned up to work exhausted and having had a little cry in the car, but dc needed to know that I wouldn't back down.

This is especially important now we are in the teenage years. The dc don't remember the individual events, but they recognise that I am in charge.

@desikated i think the issue is that people are fixating on todays particular example (hence all the criticism of my venturing outside in November) and what should have happened differently whereas i am more about how I’m feeling.

I think church hall or sure start style (if you still have one) playgroups are the way to go here. Maybe make a little schedule of what is on every week?

These are enclosed, finish at a set time, have loads of people around to help.if you live rurally it's a bit more difficult.

I can tell you what’s on this week. Nothing. Good old half term. Anyway, it is a bit of a unicorn, this lovely church hall with smiley volunteers! I’m sure they exist somewhere. We do actually go to groups but they don’t take much time up in the day and DS is getting a bit old for them now.

Well it sounds like you just need to reduce your expectations of your 2yr old then OP. He won't live up to them by the sounds of it so will always fail, and you will always be irritated.

What you have to get into your head is 1) it's not personal, and 2) he's not doing anything wrong by being slow or wanting different things.

If you don't want to change the physical things (buggy sling etc) then all you can do is change the way that you respond to your toddlers behaviour. Find some breathing exercises, count to ten before you speak, stock phrases to calm situations, make,rules into games/competitions etc. please,ask,your HV for help with this stuff otherwise it will just become your normal and that's even more stressful.

Oh dear - I've been there and totally understand. I'm a decade down the line (my baby is 10, and my toddler is almost 13) and your post has brought it all flooding back!

DD2 spent most of her time in a sling, and I was constantly grappling with the practicalities of managing her needs alongside her strong willed big sister. DH worked (still works) very long hours, we have no family nearby, and at times it was just so achingly, overwhelmingly hard. I'm pretty sure I was snappy too. I berated myself all the time. It sounds to me as though you're doing a grand job because, quite simply, you care enough to try, which is all your kids need.

I've no real advice, but I just wanted to say that you're not alone. The particular difficulties you're experiencing now will dissipate as your kids get older, and you will begin to recover yourself again and not feel so constantly on edge. Honestly. As to listening to and doing what you ask them to do with compliance?...Well, I feel I might be waiting for that one for quite some time!! 🤣

I would try some very easy, short trips out to try to get him into good habits. Explain what you're going to do, so he's got an idea of what's going to happen.

Do you do count downs eg ' you've got 5 more minutes in the play area, then we're leaving' ?

I always had to do that.

Bribery for good behaviour. You say snacks don't work. Tv ? Does he have a favourite show?

As others have said, persist with push chair. Go places they can have freedom and be safe. When it’s over, it’s over, they either leave of their own accord or they go in the pushchair. Mine is 3 soon and I take the pushchair everywhere.

So we’re at the park and DS refuses to leave and I have to grab him, force him screaming into a pushchair and go home

Yes? Maybe force is the wrong word. For example with my 2 year old I say, ‘we’re going in 5 minutes, start getting ready to go.’ ‘We’re going in 2 minutes, start getting ready to go.’ ‘It’s time go go now, you have to get in the buggy.’

It’s tedious but all these little steps work. If she doesn’t want to go in the buggy then tough tits really, she still had too. My 18 month old can’t walk so they both stay in the double buggy.

If you have too, DD can be in the buggy and DS on a buggy board. DD will get used to the buggy but if it stops and she gets unsettled, just transfer her to the sling. Yes it’s a faff but this is life with two little ones. You find ways to make it work.

Take it easy on yourself and try not to shut down all the suggestions, maybe give some a go

and DS is getting a bit old for them now.

At 2? He has 2 more years to enjoy them.

Well don’t feel bad OP, you’re only human and you just misguidedly thought it would be a nice day out. There is not a single parent on here that hasn’t done the same thing with their toddler. It’ll all feel a bit better tomorrow, don’t worry.

@Lightpink don't beat yourself up either. It's so difficult to parent! Two days ago I had to carry mine from the playground screaming because playground toys had to be left behind. 🤷‍♀️
Don't even get me started on the time mine was screaming No! Stop! over and over as if it was an abduction. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️
From experience: when you are exhausted and begin to feel crap about yourself it is very difficult to accept suggestions because it feels like attacks or that no one gets it.
Been there.
Just remember: toddlers cannot reason or be reasonable. You are doing your best.
Sometimes outings need to be scrapped or ended early. Children/toddlers' emotions are very black and white and reactions are huge but blow over. Just try and breathe though it, reinforce to your child you know they're upset, remember you are their whole world.
Phrases I use:
mummy hears you, darling
it's so difficult when we can't do everything we want
I know you are angry/sad/upset about this
why don't we have a hug?

I know it sounds stupid, but I'm doing it consistently. I also get really frustrated having to say No; What did mummy just say? Over and over. Trust me, I'm not f-ing perfect. It's all about practice, patience and knowing the moment will pass.

There’s no point saying to a two year old they can have 5 more minutes. They have no concept of time. I tell mine she can have 2 more goes on the slide and then we’re going home.

Massive hugs to you OP! You’re doing great even if you don’t feel it.

If we put DS and the tantrums to one side, I think the bigger picture would find solutions to your problems.

I have an 19 month old and a baby due in the next few weeks. So I’m currently surrounded by ‘mum’ friends of babies and toddlers whilst preparing for my own imminent battle.

What I find that separates the mums who are thriving and enjoying parenting smalls to the ones who are struggling is the bigger picture of their lives.

So

1. do you have support outside of the family home? So do you have any mum friends? Or any friends at all even if childfree? All my outings are with other mums. So those with a baby and toddler has me/someone to watch baby whilst they wrestle toddler and vice versa. I only ever go out alone with my toddler for specific reasons e.g shopping, appointments etc. Ive not come across a mum who ventures on days out without another adult unless it’s for specific reasons such as running errands or going to appointments. It’s just too much for 1 pair of hands realistically.

Do you go out with other adults or are you usually on your own? If you’re normally on your own then plan days out only with other adults during this difficult period. Still go out food shopping or whatever but only for specific tasks where you are in control such as an appointment or whatever.

2. what’s your support like in the home? You don’t mention a DP. Are you a single parent? If so that massively changes things. If you’re not a lone parent then what’s your relationship like? Is your DP supportive or hands on? If they aren’t and you’re doing everything then that will be a massive contributor to your mental health and ability to cope. Having another parent around who is useless will be having a detrimental effect on your mental health, don’t underestimate it. If you do have a supportive DP. Then you need to plan your days when you don’t meet up with friends around your DP. So for example if you have no plans on a Friday and no mum friends/groups available to be your second adult, then that will have to be a ‘home day’. But make sure you have plans for the Saturday when your DP is off work to be out all day to make up for the day before but with a second pair of hands.

Rather than focus on DS behaviour and direct solutions to said behaviour, look at your bigger picture. The solutions are usually within that.

If you think he's getting too old for playgroup how about a football class, or drama. It might help him because there'll be an expectation on him to help clear up and they make clear the activity is over by handing out stickers.

I do appreciate the kind posts, all we can do is try to do better. I do know in my head what works but in the moment I become panicky and anxious and then the situation becomes worse: when I’m calm I manage things well and I need to have the confidence to see that. It’s helped typing it out because I’m able to understand that DD crying is a big stress point for me and I am very likely to become snappy and stressed which then makes DS dig his heels in and then I get even more stressed. In calmer moments I manage him well and I need to remind myself of this. This is probably another reason I don’t want to be physically fighting with him, I don’t need to, I can manage him, but doing so with a crying baby is hard, it really is.

@nokidshere look, you don’t know the groups and you don’t know DS. Or do you? he isn’t massively interested in the ones we’ve been to. He might well enjoy tumble tots or something - will have to look for things in that 3-5 age range which he will soon be in.

Cross post @abc56

@Sugarcoatedcandycane the thing is, if I didn’t go out alone we wouldn’t go out! My mum friends from when I had DS are back at work, I only have DH around at weekends and I don’t have family to help, so it is what it is, as much as I loathe that saying (I don’t know why, probably because it gets used at work as a way of saying ‘this is shit but do it anyway!’)

@Lightpink Regarding travel have you thought about a buggy board attached to the babies pram/pushchair. Toddler might find it more fun to be stood on that instead of being 'sat' in pushchair

How about a trike? Mine prefered that to a pushchair at that age and if they like being on it then it's easier than getting them in a buggy...

Ive not come across a mum who ventures on days out without another adult unless it’s for specific reasons such as running errands or going to appointments. It’s just too much for 1 pair of hands realistically.

^ loads of mums go to the forest stay and play here or role play cafes or library music classes with multiple children here.

Been there. Rucksack reins for the toddler. Lots and lots of pre warning about what you are going to be doing, when you are going to leave, well in advance.