I’m being horrible to my two year old but I don’t know what to do

[Lightpink]

I feel very much on the edge all the time. I have a two year old and a young baby and whenever we go anywhere I feel tense as I just can’t feel assured my toddler will come with me.

So today for instance we were at an event at a park, weather terrible. I was lost and I needed to go back to the start to find where we were going. Toddler refuses to come with me and goes one way and I panicked and went the other thinking he’d follow and he didn’t. Lashing rain and baby in sling crying and I ended up crying and hit myself in the face as I felt so completely helpless and useless.

I know the standard advice is reins but he just won’t walk with them on and in any event dragging him around (which I would if he decides to go one way) is so awful and difficult, ditto pushchair, and some stuff like parks and soft play I can’t really have him in the pushchair. So I end up all stressed and tearful.

I feel like he’s going to hate me but what can I do, other than not go out? (Tempting.)

Sorry but you haven't said thanks once, in response to people helping. Hope you figure something out.

Ah OP 💐 pretty much all of us here have had those tough days, in one form or another. I had a 4 yo, 2 yo & newborn, a failing marriage (so no help) and I can absolutely remember the stress of some of our outings.

I was concerned about you hitting yourself in your face, and the sense of being overwhelmed in your posts. It might be worth having a proper discussion with your GP & getting some help, even if that's the last thing you feel like doing.

You've had some very useful practical advice here.

I would really appreciate it if people would stop suggesting the pushchair. It isn’t helpful at all for the sorts of things I am trying to explain and I don’t think there’s much to be gained by repeating myself over and over

I know you are finding it frustrating but this is certainly the answer to some of your issues.

A toddler is not rational, and may listen - or may not.

In a situation like today, you simply grab his hand, tell him you are going & yes, use physical strength to put him in the buggy. Yes, you will on occasion have two screaming children - which is stressful - but you'll get home, safely, and the tantrum will end.

In addition, behaving consistently gives them boundaries - your toddler will learn that there is a certain routine & that plus him getting older will help in a reasonably short time.

With regard to soft play or similar - I wouldn't go alone with the two of them at the moment. It's too hard.

You are doing amazingly getting out each day. It would be great to have a few like-minded mums to meet (I know you say you don't at present). This makes all the difference as they can grab child / buggy / a coffee & you can reciprocate. If you could put your DS in nursery a few mornings a week, it would help you hugely but you'd also probably meet some other mums?

I have said

thank you

I appreciate the posts

the post(s) were helpful

all
of I

@Lightpink
Just doing a bit of a search for resources:

https://www.familylives.org.uk/advice/early-years-development?referer=/advice

https://parents.actionforchildren.org.uk/

https://www.children1st.org.uk/help-for-families/parentline-scotland/

Ive not come across a mum who ventures on days out without another adult unless it’s for specific reasons such as running errands or going to appointments. It’s just too much for 1 pair of hands realistically.

Crackers.

I've not come across a mother who doesn't

How would anyone always have someone available to go with you?

You need a double pram

keeps him safe, baby warm, and you manage the pace. Make your life easier, safer, faster.

Seems like you’re struggling with the baby and taking it out on DS who’s doing quite normal toddler things. It isn’t fair on him - his running / independance is a way of him trying to get your attention. The more negative attention you give him (and the less positive attention) the less he’ll do what you say.

You say you don’t want a pushchair. Fine. What’s the alternative? It seems nothing you’ve tried as an alternative works but your current situation doesn’t either. The sling isn’t working for DS though it might work for the baby. He won’t take reigns. He wants to walk and assert his independant but you want him to sit still to make your life easier with the baby. When I put it this way do you get how unfair you’re being to him? You’re basically setting him up to fail. I suggest:

1. In your position I’d stop softplay. Most don’t allow 2 year olds on the big apparatus anyway (and nor should you be allowing it) and if he won’t stay in the under 3 area there isn’t any point taking him.
2. If he’s a walker classes for non-walkers are unsuitable and even dangerous. I’d suggest you take them to a small tumble tots type class where he can run around and cause mayhem to his heart’s content while you do some simpler stuff with baby.
3. Do you have any support? If so suggest leaving the baby with them and doing more 1-2-1 stuff with toddler. Once you feed his need for attention you may find his behaviour improves. If no support I suggest trying some paid for childcare for toddler once or twice a week.
4. Get a tricycle you can push with a 5 point harness and plenty of storage and use that for when you need to be in control of him outdoors.

Sorry

all Of which I hoped conveyed my gratitude and I apologise if they did not

I am having a tough time in general and when you are worn down and emotional you can forget yourself. Usually I will re read when less upset and then I take in suggestions a bit better. But as I said I do think the issue is with people offering advice on this specific issue - solution, force DS into the phantom pushchair - while I am talking in a more general sense. The thread has been really helpful as I realise I get anxious when we have to leave and thinking I can’t get DS away, especially if the baby is crying. But actually I can but not if I stress. They are like dogs and smell fear I think!

This thread is turning a bit barmy, why am I being berated for going to soft play when I didn’t go to soft play? Why am I being told off for taking a walker to a non walker group when I haven’t, and haven’t indicated I have?

Must go to bed, it is witching hour! I genuinely appreciate the many kind, warm responses.

Really sorry things are tough @Lightpink

Have you good support from DH / DP, evenings & weekends?

I think the problem is you described a specific scenario - so posters responded to that. You've been critical of the practical suggestions as you're really trying to talk about how you feel.

I get that.

However, honestly having practical solutions will increase your confidence, making it easier to manage departure time etc.

I sympathise OP - DS was exactly the same and was a nightmare, especially as he has a twin sister (who luckily was very sensible and able to wait on the side of the road while I ran after DS etc.....)

He was later diagnosed with ASD and ADHD, although I don't know if that is necessarily relevant, or if you feel there is any possibility your DS might be ND? (Sorry, I know this always comes up on any thread....)

The best solution I found was that although DS refused reins or a wriststrap, he would wear a harness? Like a chest cover (with, I think, rein type straps that I could tuck inside) but it had a loop above the back of his neck so if he ran off I could grab him. It meant I spent a lot of time jogging around after him with my hand at the ready - but mostly he felt free and was happy, and I knew I could grab him if need arose. Might that be worth a try?

Of course, there were times I had to carry DS screaming from soft play etc - it's not going to magically make him happy when you want to go one way and he the other - so may not help your particular problem. But just a thought.....

I’m certainly not trying to be critical. However, while it is possible to physically fight a toddler and win, it doesn’t really address the root of the problem and it’s that I’m posting about and I think the threads has been helpful in helping me work through and process that. But it is entering mad territory now!

some stuff like parks and soft play I can’t really have him in the pushchair.

From your OP!

You aren't being berated - people are supporting you by saying, perhaps avoid soft play for now.

I really think you need to talk to someone and get some real life support. It's totally normal to feel like this, but you sound very alone & without support. I hope you can get some sleep. 💐

while it is possible to physically fight a toddler and win, it doesn’t really address the root of the problem and it’s that I’m posting about

It might be hard to see it - but it does help.

Knowing that you are in control, that you have clear boundaries, and a plan when you are out, is hugely helpful to you and DS.

Many of your posts relate to being afraid of DS running away, or refusing to come when you must leave and the panic you feel. M
Having a clear exit strategy removes that.

You bloody mentioned parks and softplay in your posts.

And you get a toddler into a pushchair (or carseat) by any means possible because you are the parent and the one in charge. I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt because I thought you were struggling. But it seems you’re just barmy and impractical and the type who in two years will be moaning about doing perfectly normal things like the school run!

@Flittingaboutagain yeah but usually they meet up with other mums/friends there, especially with a baby and toddler.

I have loads of friends with 2 little ones and none go on a day out on their own with a baby and toddler together unless it’s to organised groups where there are other mums/organisers.

Of course there may be some mums who do venture on full days out with a baby and toddler on their own and have brilliant days out with a well behaved easy going toddler and baby. But that’s not the norm and I don’t think the OP should feel bad about that.

@Lightpink Are you currently on maternity? Have you tried the peanut app?

Have you managed to make any friends through groups?

I say what I say because you shouldn’t underestimate how hard it is to do on your own and how well you’re doing to be doing it solo!

The way we raise kids in the UK is not the way nature intended it to be. It does take a village and support. There is nothing wrong with you and everything wrong with the system here for mums. In most societies across the globe you have grandparents, aunties, neighbours, sisters, brothers and friends all chipping in for day to day care.

It’s not natural to spend Monday - Friday on your own with a toddler and newborn baby with no other adults or help. We as humans weren’t designed to be this way.

So when you’re feeling low just remember you are parenting in a broken and unnatural system. There’s nothing wrong with you and everything wrong with the environment. You are doing great in a not great environment.

massive hugs and support to you xx

You have my sympathies op, I've got a 5 month old and a 21 month old and it is fucking HARD!

My main tools are distraction and questions/challenges- 'hey, look at this bug, shall we see if we can find anymore this way? Do you think we'll find a spider or a ladybird?', 'hey, that's a cool leaf shall we take it home and show it to daddy', 'do you want to have a snack? Can you climb into the pram? and then you can sit and have it there', 'are you going to take (toy) to brush your teeth? Will you brush toys teeth too?' And so on.. all said in a cheery voice, and with praise when she's compliant. Obviously it doesn't always work, or I have to try a bunch of different questions before she's distracted enough but the majority of the time it works eventually (and I do not have the patience for it to take ages so I'm not having to do this stuff for more than like 5 minutes at most).

I feel like my life is spent managing her mood/behaviour, while also constantly holding/feeding/entertaining a very fussy baby and it is full on. Honestly I've felt better in myself since I accepted this is just my life right now and I have to deal with it the best I can (and often my best isn't great, but it's my best). I felt like I was fighting it for a good while and it was making it harder and making me resentful, less patient and desperate to escape. Which also made it harder to implement the distractions etc, because I just didn't want to HAVE TO. But I do feel like that's how life is with a toddler, you just have to 🤷‍♀️ (I have an older dc so have been through toddlerhood before).

Most of our outings are to groups at our local children's centre because it is a child friendly, contained space and there's usually volunteers who will help on occasion/keep an eye on toddler if you need to tend to baby. On the days where we don't get out I feel a lot worse in myself and am less patient etc. so I try to get out every day, even if it's just for a walk.

I know you've gotten frustrated at the pram comments but im going to mention them too. When Ds was born I didn't intend to have a double buggy but about 4 weeks in I realised it would make my life so much harder not having one and I got one. You've said your boot isn't big enough - perhaps there's one out there that would fit in your boot. Maybe you've got enough money to buy a cheap second hand tandem that won't fit in your boot but could be used when you're going places that are within walking distance from home (obviously depends on your situation, personally a lot of the places I go I can walk to in no more that 40 minutes). Even if it's just that you get toddler in it at home and go for a walk with them both in it so you've gotten out and some fresh air and a change of scenery. That way if you don't stop anywhere to get toddler out, you don't have to try and get them back in. And make the straps tight enough that they can't get out themselves.

Have you tried white noise for baby? My son isn't a fan of the pram and will also cry if it's not moving - I have found white noise magic for getting him calm or helping him fall asleep and stay asleep. So I put the white noise on as we start walking somewhere and he'll fall asleep with the movement of the pram and then when I stop moving as long as the white noise continues he will stay asleep (the naps he has with white noise on are also always the longest naps he'll ever have, usually he'll only sleep for 15/20mins, with white noise he'll nap for anywhere between 45 minutes - 2hrs) - the occasions where the white noise has cut out for more than 10 seconds he wakes so I know it's the white noise!

I'll try and add any other tips/tricks that I use as I remember them just in case any may work for you. Wishing you well. I keep trying to remind myself (daily, multiple times 😂) that this phase WILL end!!

Ah OP, im so sorry, you sound like you’re having a really tough time at the moment. I have no practical advice at all but I didn’t want to read and run. I really hope things get a bit easier for you in the near future xx

I have loads of friends with 2 little ones and none go on a day out on their own with a baby and toddler together unless it’s to organised groups where there are other mums/organisers.

You can't be serious?

I had 3 DC, eldest was 4. I did often meet friends of course, and go to groups on occasion.

But of course I went out alone - eg park, playground, child-friendly coffee shop, zoo.

What else would I have done? There isn't always a friend / fellow mum on tap!

I’m not sure what the emotional issue is against using a buggy, as it seems to be the obvious solution to OP’s immediate problem.

Being strapped into a pushchair to enable the family to go home, seems infinitely kinder and safer than having DS running off, mum in tears, DS being roared at and baby sister upset.

A double buggy will leave OP with hands free to collect DS1 off play equipment, put him in buggy, ready to leave with both firmly contained. Baby can obviously be taken out of buggy at the park/destination so that she’s content even though the motion stops.

What’s more, DS will learn that his DM can and will be able to take him home without a massive fuss, so the adult regains some control.

Yes but there is a massive difference in explaining some things are tricky ‘if we go to soft play this happens’ and ‘don’t go to soft play, what were you even thinking’ - we didn’t! I’m not looking for ‘never leave the house’ type advice surely!

@JustAMinutePleass as I’ve repeatedly said, I’m in a bad place, but I guess making me feel worse or trying to is more important? Actually though it helped because I have enough confidence to know none of what you say is true. I love my children and a lot of the time parent very well. But I do make mistakes of course and I don’t handle every situation as well as I could.

@JustAMinutePleass

No need for the critical comments. OP's at the end of her tether. I'm willing to bet she'll come back & find a lot of the practical advice useful when she's feeling a bit better.

Of course there may be some mums who do venture on full days out with a baby and toddler on their own and have brilliant days out with a well behaved easy going toddler and baby. But that’s not the norm and I don’t think the OP should feel bad about that.

^ definitely wasn't trying to make the OP feel bad. Was meaning that it's perfectly ok not to have mum friends to meetup with and to want to go out with your kids regardless! I do and loads of my mum friends do (separately)...we definitely don't have well behaved easy going times every time though. I absolutely agree about the village.

you don’t know the groups and you don’t know DS. Or do you?

I probably do 😁 or hundreds like him. I know we all like to think our children are unique but they really aren't. As a childcare professional with over 40yrs experience I can tell you that what you are describing is pretty much the majority of regular 2yr olds.

This is not really about him but about you and your ability to be in charge without being controlling and/or confrontational. You can't change him but you can, and really should, get some help to be more assertive and confident in your parenting or he will continue to stress you out for many more years yet. He can't control your stress in these situations so it's up to you.

You don't want to do that by any of the methods people have been sharing with you here and that's fine, they aren't for you. But you have to do something because in 2yrs time you will have another 2yr old along with a belligerent 4yr old and you will still be stressed. All ages have their own challenges, some easier to handle than others so it's not just going to go away.

Hope you find something that works for you all and you can enjoy it more.

The emotional issue is simply that I don’t like physically fighting my child. And I don’t have to. I do need to remind myself that I can handle the situation, but when I become stressed (usually because of a crying baby) DS and I end up winding one another up and that isn’t good. Recognising this has meant the thread has been helpful, even if I won’t be dusting off the pushchair any time soon.