I’m being horrible to my two year old but I don’t know what to do

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I feel very much on the edge all the time. I have a two year old and a young baby and whenever we go anywhere I feel tense as I just can’t feel assured my toddler will come with me.

So today for instance we were at an event at a park, weather terrible. I was lost and I needed to go back to the start to find where we were going. Toddler refuses to come with me and goes one way and I panicked and went the other thinking he’d follow and he didn’t. Lashing rain and baby in sling crying and I ended up crying and hit myself in the face as I felt so completely helpless and useless.

I know the standard advice is reins but he just won’t walk with them on and in any event dragging him around (which I would if he decides to go one way) is so awful and difficult, ditto pushchair, and some stuff like parks and soft play I can’t really have him in the pushchair. So I end up all stressed and tearful.

I feel like he’s going to hate me but what can I do, other than not go out? (Tempting.)

I wouldn’t be able to push the pram and hold onto DS though @StarlightLime

So if I’d followed him we could have ended up aimlessly wandering for ages in the cold and wet and mud with a crying baby. So? Would that have been worse than the day you did have?

Just read some of the suggestions on here and give a new approach a try.

They're awkward at 2. I remember reading on here 'everybody fed, nobody dead - it's been a good day'. Your standards seem very high.

Not offering any specific advice but just to say it gets easier, of course. I really struggled with baby and just turned 3yo who decided to have the running off/not listening phase as soon as baby was born. I felt really anxious going anywhere, even a walk or the park for all the reasons you've described. I became a bit too housebound and as you've also described that is not pleasant after a short while!
I gradually built up my confidence going places, mainly by having a bribe for the elder DC, such as if you're good on this walk/do as I say as the park, small chocolate bar or sweets or something equally amazing eg favourite film afterwards.
Some may not agree but it didn't last forever and got us all out of the house.
There were blips where it got hard again eg when baby became toddler and I felt less in control again as not strapped in the pram etc.
However, 'baby' has just turned 2 and things are significantly easier, elder DC (now 5) is sensible and pleasant enough to be more of a help than a hindrance and trips out are enjoyable again.

It sounds very difficult but I think he's playing up because you are so busy with the baby - you are literally attached to the baby because the baby is in a sling. You can't get your son down from the climbing frame because you have the baby in a sling, you didn't notice him leave a play area because you were feeding the baby, and then he climbed up a wall but... screaming baby doing a poo! Your D's probably knows you're fed up with him and this is him expressing his dismay.

Things will get easier but he definitely needs some more quality time with you without the focus being on the baby.

It really sounds like you need a double buggy.

When you're at the park, put the baby in the buggy and you can follow your toddler around. If he refuses to climb down etc then you have to climb up and get him.

If he's misbehaving or not listening, put him back in the buggy. If he's escaping the straps then maybe the strap position needs adjusting or tightening? Or get some basic reins and put them on his backwards to double clip him into the buggy.

I'd stick to low key outings in places that are fairly safe and contained, for example soft plays or playgrounds with good visibility and one exit.

I don’t have much advice but just wanted to let you know I understand how you feel. It’s really hard, I have a 3 year old and 1 year old and find being out stressful at times. 3 year old is non-verbal and has limited understanding and can run off at times with no awareness of danger so have to think carefully about where to go. She doesn’t mind the double buggy but can’t always have her strapped in, eg. at soft play or indoor playgroups.

Get a double buggy. Buy anti escape straps for DS. It's like a clip you add on which really helps keep them locked in.

Worth a shot

@MidnightOnceMore if I only had his needs to consider, maybe, but I don’t think traipsing around in cold rain with a young baby would have been very fair

@Charlingspont it was DS who had a poo not the baby. Yes, babies are a lot of work, I’m aware of this, I’m afraid she is being very uncooperative and refuses to walk and feed herself.

I probably am looking for a miracle solution that doesn’t exist but I know buggies and reins aren’t it.

Can you go to some of these places with a friend? It's easier then as you can take turns watching the babies and monitoring the big one.

bigger ones

We have one of those on the car seat @MissChanandlerB0NG , guess what he held up today saying ‘it’s broken!’

I remember it so clearly with ds1 and ds2. I once turned up at the toddler group in tears as it was all so difficult.

So what I did....

I decided to give up with the sling and always had the baby in the pushchair.

I got a double pushchair - I bought a second hand Phil and Ted

I only went to parks that were gated

I used reins or a rucksack with a strap

I never went to soft play or in fact most parks etc on my own

I often went to the toddler group as there was usually someone around to help with either ds1 or ds2.

I tried really hard to give ds1 loads of love, praise and attention.

It really does only last a short period of time - but feels like forever.

I think you are looking for something that doesn't exist.

Most people with a baby and a toddler just don't let the toddler run off while they trail behind with the baby in a sling. That sounds really stressful and definitely not safe.

The obvious solution is only to have one child out of the buggy at once so you can keep control. I'm not clear why a double buggy wouldn't work for you.

You've got a young baby and you're being hard on yourself. When my baby was younger I used to just basically go to soft plays with the older one. Sometimes pushed the pram/ scooter on a lead for me to pull to a small playground. I found myself quite overwhelmed quite easily initially when I was early days with number two.

I have to admit I’m really confused. Mine have a 11 month age gap and when I had the baby in the sling, I didn’t find it difficult at all to get my walking (and running) 11 month old in the buggy.

Even now, DD is 2 and she has to use reins if I’ll have her walking. She’s Autistic anyway and can never walk without stopping or lying on the floor so she has to go in the buggy. Surely the more you put him in the buggy the more he’ll get used to being in there?

I just wanted to say I was a professional, capable primary teacher who could perfectly manage a class of 35 10 year olds... yet struggled like you when mine were the age yours are at now.

It does get easier, hang in there.

I'm a big believer that if you hate the toddler years, the next stage will be your bag.

At that age you're dealing with whining (albeit often very cute) little dictators with not one jot of sense. Enough to drive anyone mad!

This

I assume you can't put DS into childcare for a bit?

Are there playgroups near you? The ones near me have lots of toddlers running about going crazy while the mums sit with their younger babies.

I feel your pain OP, you are not a shit parent, my advice is to choose outings that will help you feel more in control, e.g. indoor play areas but smaller in size, the role play ones are very popular now and I find them almost soothing as they are safe (no climbing possible like with the normal soft play areas which I hate by the way) and very entertaining for a toddler (speaking from experience). Don't beat yourself up, you don't have to enjoy these early years all of the time to be honest, just get through them the best you can, it will get easier xx

Oh dear 🙈 might have to reinforce with 2! He sounds like a true escape artist.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. It will get easier. x

Don’t know but I’ve got the same set up! He likes to go his balance bike beside the pram out a walk but I only allow him to go on it if he has his reins on as it’s such a busy road and with two hands on the pram I can’t run and grab him. He finds stressful situations like this hilarious too and would see it as a big game if he realised I was trying to get him. He starts the big tantrum and won’t move when he realises I’m holding the reins. I then promise to let him go when we get onto the country roads (but my hearts still in my mouth and I’m running after him with the pram).

Having both in the pram from leaving the door to getting back home is the only ‘safe’ bet and even at that he will sometimes have a tantrum as I walk. He’s even tried to grab the baby mid tantrum out of frustration 🤦🏼‍♀️

I haven’t got to the stage of crying just yet but I have felt an internal level of anger no one should be feeling 😂 One day he went to bolt off the opposite way when I had to him on the reins and we were about to cross the road. He then tried to have a tantrum as I pulled (dragged) him into the side and tripped over him.

I see all these people out with little girls on bikes and I swear they don’t have the same problems 🙈

For one thing, because it wouldn’t fit in my car, but I have to admit the buggy talk is a bit frustrating because it isn’t really dealing with the root of the problem. So we’re at the park and DS refuses to leave and I have to grab him, force him screaming into a pushchair and go home - and this is meant to reduce stress?

The other problem is that the baby doesn’t like the pram. She will only tolerate it if it’s on the move and even that is very hit and miss (more miss than hit.) I’ve barely used the pram with her, she just really doesn’t like it. If it was still and not moving while DS played in the park she would just cry.

It’s hard meeting their needs. I don’t want DS cooped up unable to experience the world but I do find the way he ignores me sometimes so very hard. My temper feels on the edge and I feel tense and anxious so much.

Just to agree with other posters that you need one in the buggy at all times for your own sanity.

I used a sling a lot of DC 1 but never used them for DC 2 as you can't handle a screaming child or chase safely whilst wearing a baby in a sling... Generally baby would be in the pram at all times and I only used the sling if I was on my own with baby.

DH and I discussed the other day that 'baby' (now 2) is a bit behind where elder DC was physically at this age as they've spent most of the last 2 years strapped in a buggy, whereas elder DC was constantly out and being supported to do and explore things.
Not worryingly so. But just things like capability on playgrounds etc.

Get a double pram, that's the only way you will be able to managed. You won't be able to manage things this way, I had a toddler and baby, I couldn't do the sling and a pram, it was too difficult so I had to get the double pram.

We’ve barely used the balance hike,‘it’s a shame as he’s pretty good on it. He is brilliant with physical things, just I seem to have such a low level of tolerance for what is normsl
toddler behaviour. It’s partly tiredness but I think it’s complete lack of confidence in my parenting. I feel like he should be doing as he’s told more I think.