I’m being horrible to my two year old but I don’t know what to do

[Lightpink]

I feel very much on the edge all the time. I have a two year old and a young baby and whenever we go anywhere I feel tense as I just can’t feel assured my toddler will come with me.

So today for instance we were at an event at a park, weather terrible. I was lost and I needed to go back to the start to find where we were going. Toddler refuses to come with me and goes one way and I panicked and went the other thinking he’d follow and he didn’t. Lashing rain and baby in sling crying and I ended up crying and hit myself in the face as I felt so completely helpless and useless.

I know the standard advice is reins but he just won’t walk with them on and in any event dragging him around (which I would if he decides to go one way) is so awful and difficult, ditto pushchair, and some stuff like parks and soft play I can’t really have him in the pushchair. So I end up all stressed and tearful.

I feel like he’s going to hate me but what can I do, other than not go out? (Tempting.)

Is he just two or closer to three?

Op this sounds so hard. Probably one of the hardest parts of parenting. You are really at the rock face every day and you need some support from an active granny type or a mother’s help. Could you advertise locally? Even twice a week would help you.

Have you told your partner how hard you are struggling? Are they supportive?

I’m surprised no one has mentioned you hitting yourself in the face or the way you talk about yourself. That sounds more like post-partum depression that normal overwhelm. Could you have a word with your gp?

if I only had his needs to consider, maybe, but I don’t think traipsing around in cold rain with a young baby would have been very fair

But it wasn't any colder or rainier going the wrong way than going the right way? You were going back to the start to find your route. I think I don't understand really.

The solutions are varied and plenty on this thread - lower standards, go out less, get a buggy, get a double buggy, get reins. But ultimately you will have to change something if you want it to be different. If you've got to the stage you're hitting yourself in the face I think trying something new is worth it.

Good luck.

The baby really doesn’t like the pram and I cannot got my own sanity stand around a park while DS plays listening to her crying. It isn’t fair on her and it isn’t helping my stress levels, nearly every time I’ve snapped at DS has been because she’s been crying which isn’t to ‘blame’ her but just to explain it really doesn’t work. Maybe as she gets older things will get better but right now this is where we are at.

Ds1 would also escape from the pushchair so I would put the reins over the top of the pushchair harness.

When my ds were older we had the lamp post rule. They could scoot to the next lamp post but had to wait for me there. If they did not listen they would have to walk.

I think the key is to have clear and logical consequences - if they follow the rules/expectations then they can play and have fun. If they don't then you go home / go In pushchair/ miss out etc. unfortunately you have to keep reinforcing this

I spent a lot of time in enclosed parks and with a friend who had one child, same age as DS1. So he played with his friend, and my friend was happy to either hold the baby or keep an eye on DS1 and her DD. It worked out well. We also met up with other friends in a group at least 2/3 times a week, so DS1 could run around with the other toddlers and I’d have mum / baby company. It takes a village, sometimes.

baby in the buggy meant I was free to focus on DS1. I confess I’m quite bossy. We always had a plan / focus for an outing - anything to avoid aimless wandering: going to feed the ducks, going to splash in puddles, going to see the animals, going to spot some frogs, going to build a bridge etc (We live round the corner from a massive park with a zoo so spent most days there).

so my advice is: safety / sanity in numbers, and a routine / focus for the day to get you through to the end. It does pass.

For me it helps because I know they're safe in it and contained when I need them to be. I don't mind crying or screaming though. I got noise reducing ear buds when my baby was young to help me cope 🤣 I'd push them to the park and someone would be crying , but then at least for me they're in there safe and I'm doing something. But I can appreciate it could be stressful .

Yes unfortunately this age gap/stage nearly sent me mad so please accept the following advice in the knowledge that I know how shit it is, I'm not being glib.

You have to change your mindset not his. Always always a cheeriness in your voice - even if it's bossy cheeriness, or cross cheeriness, never let him see the whites of your eyes. Never change activities without fair warning even if it's raining and you want to get the baby in. '5 minutes and we're going'. '2 minutes and we're going' 'five more swings' etc. Use competition if he's the kind of kid who responds to that (one of mine wasn't bit thankfully it was the younger one) so 'can you get down by the time i count to 10' etc.

I found it useful to say 'whatever time!' As it felt like a done deal rather than me getting them to do things. So things like 'home time!' 'bath time' 'teeth time' not 'brush your teeth'.

And explaining things before you go in sometimes works depending on what end of 2 he is. We're going to the park now, when we get there you need to hold mummy's hand. And repeat. And what are we going to do?

Try to channel your inner kids TV presenter because sometimes you can fool yourself into feeling cheerier and once you're feeling cheerier the kids are more compliant. One of the many annoying dichotomies of parenting. But it starts with YOU (unfortunately. I know that's a pain in the arse).

@MidnightOnceMore i really feel like you’re being awkward on purpose which probably isn’t fair but I don’t think you understand that we were at a big country park. DS going the way he decided he wanted to go was down a big hill leading to god knows where. The way I was going was towards the visitor centre with a cafe, toilets and various other signs of civilisation. It was about a minute away, DS could have kept going for miles in the opposite direction if I’d just followed him.

There are times when it’s fine to let your child lead and be relaxed, I totally agree, but when it’s really cold and raining and a young baby is distressed - that’s not one of them IMO. And also not fair on DS, because two year olds can’t really make sensible decisions.

One or other of them (sometimes both of them) need to be in the pram sometimes, op.
You can't live your life like this because your two year old and baby don't want to do something.
Who's the adult here?

You sound very down on yourself OP, you are a fantastic mum who's trying her best, give yourself a break!

My DD hated reins but loved the little life backpack which had the rein attachment for me. She felt grown up carrying her own stuff and gave her a bit more freedom.

I also used to just find a safe enough place and visited it all the fucking time over and over again because I had risk assessed and knew every possible outcome. She didn't mind at that age, she'd always find something new to explore or get excited about.

I know @lorisparkle but actually physically getting them so you can go home is the challenge!

You’re right about the cheeriness @Spinet , I know I sometimes snap or shout and I really do hate it, it doesn’t help and makes matters worse. I roared at the poor kid at bedtime tonight

Sorry I didn’t see your updates.

for leaving places, we had a very long winded process of warnings. So a 10 minute warning, then five, then time to get ready, then distraction. ‘Hey isn’t it time for a chocolate button / to watch a Hey Diggie DVD / to play with the dinosaurs / whatever is enough of a distraction and a carrot to get his focus away from what he’s doing and onto the next thing ie go home.

My age gap is larger which definitely meant things were easier with this sort of thing but I do agree with PP that it sounds your expectations are too high. It is hard work looking after two little ones and it's not possible to meet both of their needs at all times if by that you mean avoid either or both of them crying. Mine are now 5.5 and 2 and still frequently both crying at the same time even.

I think it sounds like your baby might be too young for a hip carry or back carry but if not that might make things physically a bit easier on you in terms of then having to lift or pull along DC1.

Personally I agree with everyone else about the double buggy though. If your baby is very young then they will just get used to being in the pram eventually or you can try and time outings to mean they're mostly in it when you know they're going to be tired. So sure they may cry at first but then they will fall asleep anyway.

Like a PP further down crying leaving places is just frankly seen as a standard part of parenting for me. It's not pleasant but worth it for the greater nicer period of being out somewhere than being stuck at home where the crying would be even worse. But my eldest has always been 'high needs' and cried most of the time for the first 9 months or so of her life no matter what I did, so I had to get used to it.

Grip his hand firmly and saying “ok sweetie we are going this way” then march cheerfully but decisively in the direction you need to go. You can’t just let a 2 year old dictate. You have to get physically assertive if you need to.

So we’re at the park and DS refuses to leave and I have to grab him, force him screaming into a pushchair and go home - and this is meant to reduce stress?

My honest answer (and I've had two under two so I've been where you are) is yes. Stay as calm as possible, say calmly, "Time to go now," and go home. Remind yourself that you have got your children out in the fresh air, which is very good for them, they've had a lovely time at the park, and the screaming fit won't last for ever. It's tough in the moment, particularly if you're tired, but those things are true.

I have walked home from the park (thankfully it's not far!) with a screaming two year old under one arm, a balance bike under the other, and a baby in a sling. Eventually the child will realise that you do in fact mean it when you say, "Time to go."

We did also find (but I think this is one of those things which works for some but not all children) that giving a five minute warning, which I express as, "We have to go home in five minutes; is there anything you want to do before we go?" is helpful.

Yeah don't beat yourself up @Lightpink we've all done it. It's a very brittle sort of cheeriness but it works eventually.

Another thing- you could practice having him stop when you shout STOP in the park tomorrow. Or FREEZE LIke a game. Then next time maybe he will do it rather than plummeting down the hill.

I have a 2 year old runner!
Granted I don't have a baby too so I can only imagine this is very tough.
Me and DS often have a fight when I'm getting him the buggy or trying to get him to hold my hand but I just persist. I've got to the stage now he either goes on the reins or goes in the buggy (always screams NOOO at buggy) so I say okay you stay on the reins then.. he puts up a fight but I always win in the end!
He's coming to 3 now and I do see improvements. Hang in there OP.
Sending strength and sanity 🫶

I can't understand all these people who can't understand how difficult it is to get a 2yo in a buggy. When mine was 2 you'd have to literally wrestle her - I'd be pressing my tummy against hers to get her bum on the seat and then both hands to grab the straps and do them up. God knows how you do that with a baby in a sling 🤷

Sorry, probably not helpful to the op!

That sounds really hard OP. A park in November rain with a toddler and baby would have broken me too. Do you have any soft plays you can get to? I spent so many hours there in the same situation. Or at play groups or farms.

Well, I think there isn’t a magic solution, it is one of those where I probably have to wait for slightly more reasonable behaviour when??

My DM introduced the idea of counting the house numbers which I find distracts him when we're out and about. So if he starts playing up I'll say ooooo let's go find some numbers to count... ahhh I can see a number! Cmon let's go and that tends to work 80% of the time. Once he's distracted I find that better

It’s the same situation at soft play though, he goes up on the equipment, it’s time to go, I can’t get him away.

I'm sorry OP, this sounds really hard. For what it's worth, I think the buggy would actually help fix the running off thing because it's a natural (and reasonable) consequence to the running off, not listening thing. If you say to him 'you need to walk with mummy, we're going this way, if you don't walk with me you will have to go in the pushchair' and he doesn't, he will have to go in the pushchair. He won't like it. The baby won't like going in the pushchair when you stop pushing to deal with her brother. But I expect he will learn quite quickly that he does have to walk with you or you will put him in the pushchair (with a clip thing maybe to stop him escaping). I admit it's not a fun prospect if you know he's going to be difficult to get in the pushchair but it might be the quickest way to A) get out of the situation and B) teach him that when you say he has to stay with you, it's non-negotiable.

I'm not trying to be awkward but people have explained all the ways they do things and you've rejected all of them.

Ultimately you choose one of two things - go with the flow or enforce. Most parents switch between the two as they feel necessary. There is no magic way to make a 2yo behave like an 8yo.

I can hear (well, read) how hard you're finding it and people (including me) do remember being there. Good luck.