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Original poster

Our new baby is left out

403 replies

Baby2023 · 14/07/2023 20:39

Hello

we have a 4 month old boy together and he has twins who are 3 from a past relationship. We are saving to moving in with each other. When he has his kids at the weekends he then at his. However our little boy is left out when they do stuff at the weekend. For example they are going swimming tommrow with nanny and they haven’t invited me and my son to go along with them. He would never think about leaving one of the twins and only taking one of them but is fine about leaving our little boy out. I am really cross and feel this is very unfair to our boy. Am I over reacting about him being left out. Yes I know he is only 4 Months but he hates being away from his dad and as he grows up he will see he is being left out

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Canthave2manycats · 14/07/2023 23:48

What a hot mess! Poor kids!

PickAChew · 14/07/2023 23:49

Don't move in with him. Rightly or wrongly, this will torture you.

PollyAnna284 · 14/07/2023 23:49

Because they don't want to. Sorry to be blunt OP, but neither of these people care enough about you or the baby to want to make the effort. You will both be an afterthought, something to be picked up and dropped out of convenience.
You have been incredibly foolish to have children with this man, and I pity the kids- who will ultimately pay the price. As others have said, the best you can hope for is minimum financial help from this waster. Best pull your socks up and start making better life choices, including putting yourself and your children first. You have both created this situation with your silliness and irresponsible choices. It's done now- time to stop whimpering over a deadbeat arsehole and grow up.

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MinnieTruck · 14/07/2023 23:49

Actually thinking about it, you weren’t together when you had this baby were you? Maybe just someone you slept with and you decided to keep the baby. Now you’re on MN complaining that he won’t take your baby swimming. You’ve got bigger things to worry about!

Testina · 14/07/2023 23:50

Deciding to get or stay pregnant by him was never going to turn him into a good father.

Sunsetandsunrise · 14/07/2023 23:51

Whadda · 14/07/2023 21:18

This is why most women wouldn’t touch a man with two-year old twins with a barge pole, let alone look at him and think “I definitely want you to make a single mother out of me next”.

Exactly. It’s obviously a bad idea. Poor judgment all round. The only real victims in this are all the kids.

PickAChew · 14/07/2023 23:54

I can recommend the freedom program to you, BTW. You have dreadful taste in men.

TheHandbag · 14/07/2023 23:55

Some people have no sense and then go on to have children...... how bloody frightening.

JudgeRudy · 14/07/2023 23:55

It's not unusual to do different activities with different children and for each to get some alone time with one parent or another. If you go on to have further children together you'll see that. Your baby doesn't give a dawn atm it's you that's bothered. Did you go swimming with the twins before the baby came along? Were you at every visit? Probably not.
I'd be very careful of dictating what you think he should/shouldn't be doing. Atm he's your BF. Yes, he's the father of your child but he's not your partner or husband. You live in separate homes. Why not try dropping the baby at his whilst you spend time at yours or go out. That way he can have some 1 on 1 time and you get a break. When you live together you might not get that luxury.

Hankunamatata · 14/07/2023 23:56

But how would 3 adults take a 7yr old, x3 3 years olds and a baby swimming?

TwinsPlusAnotherOne · 14/07/2023 23:56

Also, @Baby2023 you do realise the whole "we're saving to move in together" is a lie right? He's never moving in, you need to start seeing this. But whenever you need money from him? Guess what..."Oh, I wish I could give you some, but you know I'm saving it all for our house deposit. You don't want me dipping into our house deposit do you. You want us to move in together don't you. It sounds like you aren't serious about us moving in, you wouldn't be asking me for money when you know I'm saving so hard"

Sound familiar.

Emeraldrings · 14/07/2023 23:57

How can your 4 month old hate being away from his dad? He only sees his dad for about 4 hours a week plus the occasional Saturday.
I can see why you feel sad and left out but it isn't about your son missing him it's about you missing him. I'm not sure what you can do apart from remind him that he said you would all spend time together and ask him why this isn't happening.

BreaktheCycle · 15/07/2023 00:01

TwinsPlusAnotherOne · 14/07/2023 23:56

Also, @Baby2023 you do realise the whole "we're saving to move in together" is a lie right? He's never moving in, you need to start seeing this. But whenever you need money from him? Guess what..."Oh, I wish I could give you some, but you know I'm saving it all for our house deposit. You don't want me dipping into our house deposit do you. You want us to move in together don't you. It sounds like you aren't serious about us moving in, you wouldn't be asking me for money when you know I'm saving so hard"

Sound familiar.

Yeah, he’s saving up the £24 per week he’s not been giving OP for their baby, so he can save up for their new home together instead 🫤

TwinsPlusAnotherOne · 15/07/2023 00:01

MinnieTruck · 14/07/2023 23:49

Actually thinking about it, you weren’t together when you had this baby were you? Maybe just someone you slept with and you decided to keep the baby. Now you’re on MN complaining that he won’t take your baby swimming. You’ve got bigger things to worry about!

Yep, if he didn't leave the twin's mum until they were two, they're only 3 now, and OP has a 4mth old baby, OP was either the OW, cheating on the twin's mum with this hero, or something like a one night stand, and she decided to keep the baby. At best, if he had just split with the twin's mum, OP literally got pregant within days of meeting this man for the dates to add up. Plus she's got her own 3yr old from someone else!

Channellingsophistication · 15/07/2023 00:05

I think you are being really oversensitive.

Your baby is 4 months old and barely knows he’s not part of you let alone be missing his dad. You are the one that misses him which is understandable. However your DP comes as a package him plus the twins. You have to accept them as part of him. I’m sure he’ll become more involved with your baby as he gets older and develops his personality.

gertrudemortimer · 15/07/2023 00:06

Have you ever asked him why he isn't open to spending time with you all at least once per week? Are you worried about his response?

I feel for the mother of his twins if she is at work all week and every weekend but 1 in 5. She must hardly see her children. It is good that the dad is regularly having them and they have one parent that has that spare time to do things like swimming and ice cream. If he didn't have them it would be childcare 7 days a week for them.

People are moaning about the money he pays in maintenance but if he's on a low income and has his children 40% of the week (every weekend) then it's never going to be huge amounts.

You wrote that you and the baby don't see him. Do you go to sleep with the baby at 7pm? I understand the baby doesn't see him much at all and nobody can really advise on that as it's up to him to change his work pattern but do you not get a bit longer together after baby is asleep?

It seems like a series of unfortunate events. You were also pregnant fairly quickly after you had your youngest. It was always going to be tough if you both have two children and three under 3 at the time of pregnancy. If you actually do want it to work you're going to have to talk to him and try and figure out a way together that benefits all of the children.

Guavafish1 · 15/07/2023 00:07

it's wrong he leaves you alone

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 15/07/2023 00:10

Well firstly the pool wouldn't allow one adult to swim alone with 3 small children.......secondly you're being ridiculous. Grow up and stop being jealous of little kids spending time with their dad doing an activity he will have no interest in.

TwinsPlusAnotherOne · 15/07/2023 00:11

@gertrudemortimer 2 out of 7 days is 28% of the week. But yes, your point still applies, if he's low income and having them just under a third of the time, then his maintenance will be low.

Moredramathanrazzamatazz · 15/07/2023 00:11

This situation does sound rather complicated and I am not sure what to make of it going on the information given.

One thing though, unlike many of the feckless Dads we hear about, this man is providing the childcare for his own children at the weekends (except 1 in 5 of them) so his ex-partner can go to work. That's very responsible. It does leave you in a quandary though.

Dunno what that nonsense about 25 year olds was, I do wonder exactly when some Mumsnetters think that adulthood actually starts? About 37, at a guess. 🙄

TwinsPlusAnotherOne · 15/07/2023 00:15

No, I was a mother at 26 actually. It's got nothing to do with being a mother. But at 25 we are all a lot more naive to the world and the people in it, simply because we only have 7yrs of adult life experience under our belts.

When you hit more late 30's/ 40, you look back at situations in your twenties, and think, "Wow, I sure as hell wouldn't get fooled like that now."

gertrudemortimer · 15/07/2023 00:22

@TwinsPlusAnotherOne possible but the op said he's with her Monday - Thursday so I'm assuming he has the twins Friday Eve to Monday or why doesn't he spend Sunday evenings with op and baby? She said they live 20 minutes away so it's not a long drive or anything once the twins are back at mums.

He might not be able to afford NOT to see them if he is wanting to save and get a bigger house. I think it's a good thing he is having his kids and shows he is a capable dad. Or maybe I'm just in a positive mood!

NeedleFeltedFox · 15/07/2023 00:31

Why do people get hung up on the tiniest details and still get them wrong - read the OPs posts! The dad was going to take his twins swimming with the help of his own mother. The OPs 7 year old and 3 year old were elsewhere with their father’s mother. The op wanted to take and be responsible for the 4 month old making it a ratio of 1-1 kid to adult.

MysteryBelle · 15/07/2023 00:44

Baby2023 · 14/07/2023 23:37

She isn’t going swimming with them ? Their dad and nan is who are both related to my baby ? The dad is the father of the the baby and the twins so why not take the baby and the twins with his mum and invite me to ?

Show quote history

Because he doesn’t want to, op. He doesn’t want to take you and the baby swimming. He has no interest whatsoever in taking you and baby swimming. And why should he leave out mother of twins? See how this works?

You brought all this upon yourself by devaluing your own life and having children with two Dum Dums in a row. You seem to have no self awareness or any awareness at all.

You are young and can learn from this. Will you do that or are you going to continue headlong on this foolish stubborn journey to nowhere? Did you want advice or not? The people on this thread care more about your well being than the 2 losers who don’t care a jot about you or your children. Do you understand the concept of self worth and dignity? Your behavior is very foolish and immature. You can no longer say you don’t know what in Hades is going on and how to proceed. We’ve all tried to explain it to you. Do you even know how a relationship is supposed to work? No.

Fraaahnces · 15/07/2023 00:44

You need to do a CMS claim so he pays for his baby. Nappies occasionally are not enough.

Second, you have no idea how hard it is to go even to the toilet with 3 y/o twins let alone to the pool. You would be needed as another pair of hands and as you’ve said, you have two more kids as well.

Also, why are you letting this man stay with you most of the week without contributing financially? He’s a cocklodger, and in no way your partner.

Stop fixating on the twins. They are not the real issue. HE is and you are. Stop having babies with shit men.