Our new baby is left out

[Baby2023]

Hello

we have a 4 month old boy together and he has twins who are 3 from a past relationship. We are saving to moving in with each other. When he has his kids at the weekends he then at his. However our little boy is left out when they do stuff at the weekend. For example they are going swimming tommrow with nanny and they haven’t invited me and my son to go along with them. He would never think about leaving one of the twins and only taking one of them but is fine about leaving our little boy out. I am really cross and feel this is very unfair to our boy. Am I over reacting about him being left out. Yes I know he is only 4 Months but he hates being away from his dad and as he grows up he will see he is being left out

So he pays £209 a month to his ex.
That's £24 a week per child.
£24! What a joke.
I wonder he even bothers to toss you a few nappies every so often.
He is a prince among men.

did You expect things would be different before you got pregnant?

What a total fucking mess 😞

Have you spoken to his ex - the twins mum? What is your relationship with her like? Although you are keen to spend weekends as family time with all of the children together - she might not feel the same way. If I was in her shoes, I wouldn't want the time that has been allocated for him to spend with our children to be shared with his girlfriend and her children. It doesn't sound as though she shares your idea of this big happy blended family, consisting of her ex-partners current girlfriend, their new baby and her two children from previous relationships. That might also impact his decision to live with you. Its just a thought. Taking the twins swimming is not the issue, his apparent lack of commitment (in time or money) is the problem. As someone said before, he was always going to be spreading himself thin - working fulltime, three small children in two separate homes. Once the children are older, it should be easier for him to include your son in activities with his twins - but that might not involve your older children.

It's not your new baby being left out for twins that is the issue. Your DP is choosing not to parent and not to work as a team. Dont project this on to the twins. Just leave him. You will probably get betwr support just getting child maintenance from him.
You and your children deserve better.

Good luck. You'll need it. Your relationship won't last.

You just haven't worked out this yet.

For me this would be less about the baby missing out and more about his reluctance to blend his separate families. It's not unreasonable for him to have one on one time with his twins, but if he has them most weekends and never tries to include you and the baby then I can see why you find it hard going.

From an outside perspective it doesn't seem like he wants to create a blended family or that he is particularly committed to life with you and your child.

Personally I would take a step back from all this and see if he tries to initiate anything. If not file a claim with CMS and focus on your children.

Yep, this.

You mean abuse when you say domestic issues of some sort from the first Father of your oldest 2 children.
If you have suffered at the hands of a man your boundaries may very well not be great. Hence having a child with a man in less than ideal circumstances and putting up with less than ideal treatment.

This.

No. You would take all three of yours because all three are your children. Your baby is not the child of the woman who has the 3 year old twins. They have the same father but not the same mother. That makes a difference because you used yourself as the example with your own three kids. Op, you are the mother of all 3 kids. The woman with twins is not the mother of your baby. She doesn’t have to take your 4 month old swimming. She has enough to deal with to watch over two 3-year-olds. She does not have to go swimming with you and your baby just because you decided to have a baby with the idiot who fathered her children.

Foolish and insane. I don’t understand these crazy threads. Wake up Op and find your dignity and self worth, meaning change your behavior to live your life with respect for yourself and others. And stop hanging around losers. And don’t be a loser. It’s not that hard, I mean come on.

Assuming your older DC would also be going with you, the baby, your 'partner' and his DC, then suddenly an already potentially chaotic outing with twin 3 year olds becomes 3 x 3 year olds, a 7 year old and a newborn. Quite the undertaking for anyone anywhere, never mind swimming, and unlikely to result in him getting real quality time with his twins.

Ultimately you should have seen from twenty miles away how this was going to go and given him a wide berth (or at least used watertight birth control) but now it's done you need to accept that the chances of this becoming one big happy blended family is less than zero and move on with your life with your kids without him being very much in it.

She isn’t going swimming with them ? Their dad and nan is who are both related to my baby ? The dad is the father of the the baby and the twins so why not take the baby and the twins with his mum and invite me to ?

You can’t see it can you ?
Your relationship with this loser is dead in the water. The most that you can hope for is that he will also give you £24 a week to support your baby.

This can't be real. Nobody is stupid enough to get knocked up by the father of 2yo twins when they already have 2 fatherless kids of their own.

Even £24 a week would be an improvement on an occasional packet of nappies.

It doesn’t sound like the best situation. And I’m sorry that it hadn’t turned out you
hoped it would. You say ‘weekends are for families to spend together’ , but it is clear that you guys are not one family. He is the father of your baby, but you are not one big blended family. And I would guess that he doesn’t plan it to be any different any time soon.

The impression I get is that he's just not that into you.

How are things between you and him?

How long were you in the relationship before getting pregnant & was it a planned pregnancy?

Are you a full time student?

I was thinking the same.

Forget the swimming, that’s a total distraction. I would never take 3 young children swimming alone, it wouldn’t even be allowed here. It’s a 1 parent to 2 children ratio if under 5. The real problem is he never sees his 3rd child except the one weekend a month he allows you over.

you’re not exactly in a relationship are you? He lives wiht you during the week where he is at work all week so doesn’t do anything, doesn’t contribute financially, so you have a lodger staying free who occasionally buys some nappies to show he appreciates the incredible deal you are kindly giving him- does he ever wven do any parenting when at yours? Does he get his meals and washing done for him? Then weekends he lives his real non work life where he has a home of his own and two children and he parents them. I’m not surprised he’s grumpy now, he’s mad you’ve called out that you are more like the bit on the side. No harm in calling it out op but you also need to realise you are a single mum to 3 children. Please while you adjust stop cooking or washing for him, and providing him free lodging. He probably uses more hot water than the odd bag of nappies he buys costs.

This is spot on. OP, you need to read this over and over until it sinks in that you are making hasty decisions that are massively impacting both your life, and the lives of 3 children.

Did he even want your baby? If he's 4mths, then he was conceived 13mths ago. Making the twins about 2. And you say he only split with their mum when they were 2. How long were you actually together when you got pregnant? He wasn't planning a baby with 2 yr old twins, was he. In fact, so delighted with the immediate addition of another baby, he's had the snip to make sure it can never happen again. He was just too stupid to use protection, and has made sure he can never find himself in the position he has with you, again.

You don't see all this though, and it's honestly frightening. He's not your partner, he sleeps at yours to have his dinner made when he gets back from work, and sex. He pays you nothing. And you are convinced you are a little family, actually thinking you are moving in together.

You need to move on from this, the sooner the better. This is the most you are ever going to see from this man. When he finds someone with no children to move in with, you will barely see him at all. I know we all sound like doom mongers, but at a little bit older and wiser than 25, we have seen this happen 1000 times.

Raise your standards OP. Focus on you and your children. Stop clinging to a man who has no respect or interest for you or your child.

You’re a student who’s had a baby with a man she doesn’t live with and who had two toddlers already.
he is failing to provide for or parent your child, he’s failing to include your child in anything and your concern is swimming and competing with what his other children and ex get from him. You’re looking at entirely the wrong thing.

the wheel is running but the hamster is dead

Wow this is a fucking mess. I don’t even like to be judgmental because I ignored the majority of red flags when it came to my childrens dad but bloody hell.

I’m too tired and can’t do the maths but he has 3 year old twins and you have a 3 year old daughter. You must have got together/got pregnant when both sets of kids were very small. Why? Especially when he hasn’t moved it and fully committed? He just sounds like a baby daddy and nothing more. Definitely not a partner