Our new baby is left out

[Baby2023]

Hello

we have a 4 month old boy together and he has twins who are 3 from a past relationship. We are saving to moving in with each other. When he has his kids at the weekends he then at his. However our little boy is left out when they do stuff at the weekend. For example they are going swimming tommrow with nanny and they haven’t invited me and my son to go along with them. He would never think about leaving one of the twins and only taking one of them but is fine about leaving our little boy out. I am really cross and feel this is very unfair to our boy. Am I over reacting about him being left out. Yes I know he is only 4 Months but he hates being away from his dad and as he grows up he will see he is being left out

So you have a 7 yo a 2 yo and a 4 month old and he has 3 year old twins? You don't live together and with 5dc between you that's unlikely to change.
You've had a disagreement and he's now sulking and ignoring you.
You're 25 and a student, so had your first child at 17/18.
He split with ex when their children were 2 so eighteen months ago, and you conceived 13 months ago.
He doesn't hang around does he.
Worrying you said his ex was also pregnant quickly and then he walked away.
Best to write this one off now OP.

You have now had 3 children with men who are not interested in being fathers to them or in supporting you or their child/children with you.

That's what you should be focussed on, not whining about swimming.

You keep going on about spending time as a family unit. Are you seriously suggesting that your seven year old (who, BTW, I feel very sorry for. Domestic issues with now estranged dad, you've moved a man you've known I assume less than 2 years in for half the week, now you're trying to palm him off with granny to take your new baby swimming with other man's kids) would really want to spend his weekends with his 3 yo sibling, 4mo sibling and 2 x 3yos he has not met yet and will hardly know?

In other words, you think you will play happy families with your 'blended' family unit at the weekends and your much older 7yo will want to be stuck with 4 kids aged 3 or under. I find this very hard to believe.

You are projecting - he’s 4 months old! He actually sounds like great dad making sure his existing kids have attention so they don’t develop jealous feelings towards the baby. It sounds like you might be feeling jealous though!

Because he doesn’t want to take you and the baby OP. If he did, he would. He wants to spend time with his other children.

You just need to get used to this or walk away.
You are being completely unreasonable.

If OP was the Other Woman (not sure if she was but the timelines are suspiciously close) I can understand why blended family might be hard

You’re being SO unreasonable that it’s almost funny. Your baby is 4 months old! He doesn’t have a clue what’s going on! Of course he doesn’t need to be included in fun activities that he can’t even participate in due to his tiny tiny age and size 😂 bless him. I’m sure he’ll be included when he’s bigger!

I'm another one puzzled by the 'blended family' and 'weekends are for family' narrative.

Given the 7yo and 3yo are not around at the weekend, is this a new idea of 'blending' where only those with a direct bloodline to the father are considered 'family' to be blended?

But, as OP says, her own kids are fine, no worries, no confusion, no emotional impact/distress, no concerns about a stranger living in their home four nights a week and his son being there 24/7. According to OP they're just adoring this man's child and getting on with it as 3yo and 7yos do.

Meanwhile, the mother of these two children frets and obsesses over 3yo twins enjoying much-needed quality time with their dad after experiencing the confusion/trauma of their parents splitting up.

Perhaps my concern for the OPs two other children is entirely misplaced .... 🙄

Some people need to have higher standards regarding who they mix their DNA with. People are barely dating & then they're suddenly partners instead of bf or gf. Then they're moving them in with their kids after 2 mins or having families really early.

Haven't you heard of birth control & why the big rush to have 3 kids by the age of 25 yrs? Put some boundaries in place and learn to safeguard your children. Some paedophiles deliberately target women with kids & you fit right in to their target audience. You are needy, desperate for any man & have your priorities all wrong.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

He does go to hers on Sunday. He has them Fri night and Sat night, and all CMS care about is what nights he has them.

He's not spending any time with her or her child, he's just sleeping at hers having his meal and laundry done. He pays her nothing, and OP convinces she's being a dutiful supportive girlfriend by doing all this for him, and means she has a family with him. Whereas it's pretty clear he thinks nothing of her (he's just blocked her, again) and he's literally just using her. This is crystal clear to very many of us.

He certainly is being a good dad to his twins. Perhaps these children were planned/wanted. I completely agree he's stepping up for them.

OP needs to stop making such ill thought out life choices and then complaining about the consequences. If you choose to keep a child, with someone who doesn't want a child, it's a little delusional to get ratty that you and the child aren't part of his life.

How old was his twins when you were pregnant? You don’t live together, how does that work for raising a baby together? If you have only met his children three times then that’s probably why you’re not invited, he doesn’t want to push a very new relationship on his incredibly young children.

This is you feeling left out, not the baby.

Which is a valid feeling as parenting a 4 month old for the first time is tiring and emotionally gruelling and you want your partner at the weekend if he works long hours.

However 3 year old toddler twins are even more hardwork and likely to be jealous of a new born baby. I think most people would think dad taking them out and giving you some peace with the baby was a blessing.

Your baby won't be missing their dad if he's with you. It seems your partner realises this.

If you would prefer the weekend to work a different way just explain how you feel. But don't make it about the baby.

I can understand why you're a bit annoyed at not being invited / at being left out of plans the whole Saturday. Why don't you suggest something you can all do together on the Sunday?

But your 4 month old will not care in the slightest... My 6 month old loves his dad too, he doesn't give a toss when dad goes to work or does something with our toddler 😅he's a baby! And mum's still around. They're fine.

With the best will in the world, OP, you sound very young and perhaps with a rose-tinted specs view of how your relationship with your child's father ought to be. You are also probably still quite hormonal from pregnancy, birth and the whole PFB syndrome that sends us all a bit crazy until we learn to play nicely with the wider world...

Having said that, though... my GOD, but you need to get a fucking grip! Your baby is not his father's precious first born. That would be one of those 3 year old twins you resent him spending quality time with. Why? Because they don't miss out, because they have their Mum...? Well, guess what: your baby has you. And at 4 months old, believe me, he couldn't give two hoots about whether his father is with him or being drowned in the hell of a splash pool with his older siblings! All your son wants/needs right now, is a mother who behaves like one, rather than a jealous schoolgirl.

I can see/understand both sides to this. My own son was just a year or so older than those twins when his father left for another woman with their newborn baby. He hasn't seen his father alone in 16 years now (he's 18), because the OW was younger, extremely jealous of my ex's time and insisted that she and the baby had to be included in every activity that was planned during the 18 hours a month that my ex would agree to have our son. Even when they weren't suitable. It didn't make any of them remotely happy, my child has a fractured relationship with his father - which my ex now bitterly regrets, but it's too little, too late - and my son might love his two younger siblings (15 and 12) but he has little to no relationship with them. All he wanted was for his Dad to value him enough to take him swimming without his stepmother, small children who demanded all of my ex's attention and for his father to teach him how to do things. My ex lived with the OW and their kids, so it wasn't like it was two access visits combined. My son has missed out because his father is nothing like your son's Dad. Your boyfriend is actually being a decent parent by valuing all of his children. Maybe you ought to be encouraging that because, sadly, I suspect that in a year or so, your son will be the subject of another Baby Mama's lament about their child being the one "left out". Partly because your jealous insecurity will drive your boyfriend away.

On the other side, my 27 year old daughter's partner has a 4 year old from a previous relationship - and she's having to learn to deal with the fact that he is a decent, involved father who is fighting her over "being allowed" (by her) to spend time with his child in the home that they share. She resents that any child they might have together will not be a shared "precious first" - because her partner's been there; done that already... even though she watched her own little brother endure a neglectful father (so did she, but she was older). I've lost count of the times I've had to point out to her that her stepchild is 4 years old and is worth having a father who loves them enough to want to put them first... even over her jealous insecurities. I applaud my future son-in-law for that, but I also can recognise the wedge that she is starting to drive between them.

My ex isn't happy, my son is very resentful, and my daughter's headed the same way, sadly (except her partner will choose his child over her, because he's an excellent father!). Don't turn that into your future - if only for the sake of your baby and his older siblings. But above all, let go of the jealousy. It's not a good look, not even on an anonymous forum...

I can confirm, as a mother of 3.5yo twins, they are very hard work. It's absolutely not the same as just having two children, twins and triplets are a different ball game.

Do you know what I don't want, if my mum offers to help me take them swimming? Someone having a tantrum that they can't come as well and bring their 4 month old because they want my attention on the only two days I actually see the twins.

This man has had 3 small children in the last 4 years and doesn't parent or live with any of them. That tells you what you need to know. He sees you every 5 weeks, it sounds like a causal relationship at best you just happened to get pregnant.

I know.

And OP puts herself on a plate. Free board and lodgings for him all week. Free laundry service. Free sex on tap. Because that's what she knows she needs to offer for him to turn up. Then she pretends they are a family because of it. This man isn't even her partner.

She's got two other young children, sent off to their Nan's for the weekend, so when she claims she wants to do this "blended" family thing, she's not at all. Because apparently her children don't count in it. This is about OP trying to attach herself to this man, who simply doesn't want her there, trying to force a family that he's got no interest in having with her.

If this is real I despair.
Note to all women.
Stop having kids with these men. Just stop.

And as the saying goes: Why buy the cow when you are getting the milk for free?

The issue here is that your partner is not putting you as any sort of priority. Normal access for separate parents is that Dad see kids every other weekend and a night in the week. He needs to sort this out with his ex - this is what usually works. Why is he going every weekend? Was it that his ex worked? You are rightly upset. Tell him this is what you want him to work towards.
Yes you could all go swimming - it would be a way of spending time together. The question you need to ask is why doesn’t he want that.
I hope you have your own friends and family and you can get out with them. If not look up Gingerbread or Meet-up. Does he contact you over the weekend.
Ignoring your needs is not satisfactory and giving you the silent treatment.

He has his twins two days a week, of course he parents them.

Does a 4 month old do backstroke or freestyle better?

This cannot be serious ?

Is there no one in your life telling you what everyone here is saying? Is it normal in your circle to live as you do because to most reading this it's unbelievable; that's how abnormal your set up is. If you married your boyfriend you'd have 3DC and 2stepDC at aged 25. That's madness, especially when you're not financially stable and still a student, unless I'm reading it wrongly and you have a trust fund or huge passive income.
The ages of the DC tell us you had your first very young and presumably not planned at that age. Your boyfriend has now impregnated two women very quickly with no commitment. You can't have been together more than a few months and you already had a baby and another DC when you made the decision to have a DC together.
25 is well below the average age to have a first child, let alone a third. Some pp have been nasty but I also think not going swimming is the least of your worries. In your position I'd kick his cocklodging arse into touch. Concentrate on getting your qualifications, claim child support and contact Women's Aid to do the freedom programme. Time to put you and your DC first.

Sorry OP for the many misunderstood reply’s on this thread people are clearly hard of reading.

I agree that this man is not going to put you or your child first - he has the twins with his mother and she isn’t going to let go of her weekends with the twins and dilute that time with you and the baby. He knows which side his bread is buttered and is going along with it.
I bet he’s on his play station while grandma plays mummy which to him will actually be a weekend off!
If he includes you he’ll have to parent at least one of the children and that isn’t going to happen.

I do think he’s using you for sex, decent meal and a warm bed for the night - what does he bring to your home when he’s there because he isn’t paying any bills … does he get involved play with the older kids? Wash up?

I’d put money on him doing nothing.

Now you’ve raised the issue he’s blocked you and sulking?

If you split he’d have the baby at the weekend wouldn’t he?

Ask him? If you split what’s the plan for the baby? Bet he’s never even thought of it.

The fact he used to include you before baby and now excludes you is a worry - before you were helpful with the kids and now you have your own to look after.

I would split and concentrate on your studies and make a better life for you are your kids and claim maintenance!

The three year olds deserve quality time with dad without the new 4 month baby around, who isn't even aware of what's going on anyway. The baby doesn't miss dad. The baby will be fine.

You'll need to get used to this. It's not fair to have to force those twins to have to have the baby (when older) along for every little thing they do with dad. Just as baby when older and more aware will need quality time alone with dad too.