Our new baby is left out

[Baby2023]

Hello

we have a 4 month old boy together and he has twins who are 3 from a past relationship. We are saving to moving in with each other. When he has his kids at the weekends he then at his. However our little boy is left out when they do stuff at the weekend. For example they are going swimming tommrow with nanny and they haven’t invited me and my son to go along with them. He would never think about leaving one of the twins and only taking one of them but is fine about leaving our little boy out. I am really cross and feel this is very unfair to our boy. Am I over reacting about him being left out. Yes I know he is only 4 Months but he hates being away from his dad and as he grows up he will see he is being left out

Don’t delude yourself. Your children are not fine.

Pretty sure they are they are very happy and very much adore their little brother so much they hate to be apart from him

I don’t think this is real at all. Just someone having a laugh.

But a note about the ‘why did you have a baby with this man etc’ - If someone was on here deciding whether to have an abortion you can guarantee most women would jump on her.

I understand OP, my DP has 2 older children also and I do sometimes feel that their grandparents on that side prioritise them over our baby, partially through a stronger relationship due to her age but also through the (obvious) concern about them feeling jealous/left out.

However, she still wants to see our baby and also steps back when we're together to allow big bro & sis to bond with the baby and create a positive relationship.

Even taking aside the way he's treating you and your son (which is think is bad) he is going to create problems between his 3 children if the older 2 don't ever need to adjust to having a little sibling.

You’ve brought a useless fucking man into their lives. And all the complications that brings.

Why can't you join him nanny and twins swimming then ?

Or him to come round to yours after with the twins

Or you go to his house after swimming

I get what you are saying

He spends all weekends with his older kids but doesn't see your baby with him

But you knew he had kids when you got together

Same as you have older kids

So between you , you have 5 kids poss Under the age of 8?

You are focused on the wrong issue. Stop calling him your partner. He isn’t. You’ve gone and had a baby with a man who pays nothing towards the baby and spends no time with him. Kick him out and claim CMS.

Ill bet the dad(s) from the first two kids aren’t around much either.

This
Get a grip OP

My first two kids have the same dad who has isn’t in their lives at all after domestic issues occurring

Op. A 4 month old does not need to be at a swimming pool with 3 year olds.

Also, you wanted this blended family entanglement and everything that means. And you’ve got it. Enjoy.

Yes they do ! If I wanted to take my three swimming with their nan I would have to take them all

He buys the odd pack of nappies and wipes for my son and then gives his ex £209 a month for this kids.

Are you saying that he doesn’t contribute to the cost of raising your shared child?

Op he spends 4 nights a week with you and needs to spend time with his twins too. The issue is he’s keeping his two families very separate whereas you would like to blend them. Talk to him about it, explain you’d like all 5 children to be a family and get to spend some time together.

Sorry to say but I don’t feel he’s going to be moving in with you any time soon if he stills prefers to keep everything separate.

Could the ex / his twins mum be unhappy about her children spending time with you now? Dynamics can change when a new baby is born. She may be worried that he’s not as invested in them. He may be feeling guilty that they are not the priority anymore.

Yes it’s upsetting that it’s not more blended and your child doesn’t get to spend weekends with his dad but your child isn’t missing out of swimming at 4 months old.

If he hates being away from his dad, how does he cope when he's at work?

I think you need to face reality. He doesn’t care much about you and the baby.

he has made no effort to sort out accommodation for you all

he isn’t interested in spending time with you and the baby

he isn’t bothers about making sure you and the baby have a relationship with his family members, like his mum and his children

What on earth made you both decide to have a child together, or did you do the deciding? I think you are currently a bit of a convenient bed partner during the week , but no more. And if someone un encumbered with a baby comes along I think you won’t see him for dust.

I like his mum she is great however I feel like the twins come first with her she is always buying them stuff posts pictures of them on Facebook ask to pop round to his and see them but I don’t get any of that

She is probably following his lead. Maybe your relationship is viewed as more casual by the way he splits his time and attention, and they are her first grandchildren. He does not include you so why would she? How often have the twins and his dm seen your ds and your dc, had playdates or just hung around together at family events.

Just like your baby is with you.

You sound completely ridiculous and jealous of his twins.

Yes. This!
This is why OP is getting a hard time. What the bloody hell did she think would happen?

OP and this man had no business having a child together, due to both of them already being single parents to multiple young children. They don’t even live together. What kind of set up is this? Poor kids.
OP should have been focusing her attention on her first two young kids instead of chasing a useless man who clearly would struggle to provide healthy and secure family units for her, his ex and all five children across three separate homes.

Op. You are 25 and very young. You have been very foolish. Having children with two men who want little to nothing to do with their children or with you.

Stop trying to make losers be responsible and loyal and loving husbands and fathers.

Think about changing what you’re doing.

1. Find a decent person who doesn’t have children willy nilly.
2. Get to know the decent person to make sure he’s decent.
3. You both love each other and want to marry.
4. Get married.
5. Have children. Take care of the these children together and the ones you already have.
6. Don’t be foolish anymore. Stay away from other foolish men.
7. Problem solved.

He doesn’t sound very engaged with the new baby, does he? That said, the baby won’t have a clue what’s going on.

The baby is four months, plus nine months pregnancy, and the twins are only three. It’s all a bit rushed.

Are you all quite young?

@Baby2023
No they are not. I am going to be brutally honest here.
You are 25 and have 3 children (4 months, 3 years and 7 years old). Meaning you had your first at 18. Your two older ones don't see their dad - your youngest has a part-time dad who also needs to take care of his other children.
He contributes nothing to this baby. You say you are a student who gets student finance - but I bet my lucky hat that doesn't cover the full cost of taking care of 3 children. I am assuming you rely on benefits and universal credit, right?
Can you not see how many bad decisions you have made so far?

Op, here on mumsnet, step kids on the man’s side are always the first priority, they should come before all other children.
ridiculous of course, because your child is just as important but that’s all you will get on here. I’d be annoyed too. He could at least offer to take all his children, or ask you to join if that would be too much. I personally think your feelings are valid and you’re not being ridiculous. Why are they more important than his son? Stupid. He has 3 kids not 2.

Oy what a mess. You know you can have a relationship with someone without immediately reproducing with them right?

Realistically I think you need to cast away the idea of a happy little family unit with this guy because it simply isn't going to happen. If he wanted that it'd already be happening. He seems very keen to keep you and your kids completely separate from his ex and the twins and not blending the families at all.

You are, essentially, a single mother. He doesn't parent his child, spend time with his child, or pay for his child. I know single mothers whose ex partners are more involved in their children's lives than your apparent current partner. You need to turn your focus away from him and back on to your children. You can't force him to be the man you wish he was.

OP you need to speak to your DP and tell him that you want to spend time together as a family, as you did before DS was born. Ask him why he doesn’t any more. His answer will inform your next steps, but either way he should be providing for his new DS over and above a few nappies.