Our new baby is left out

[Baby2023]

Hello

we have a 4 month old boy together and he has twins who are 3 from a past relationship. We are saving to moving in with each other. When he has his kids at the weekends he then at his. However our little boy is left out when they do stuff at the weekend. For example they are going swimming tommrow with nanny and they haven’t invited me and my son to go along with them. He would never think about leaving one of the twins and only taking one of them but is fine about leaving our little boy out. I am really cross and feel this is very unfair to our boy. Am I over reacting about him being left out. Yes I know he is only 4 Months but he hates being away from his dad and as he grows up he will see he is being left out

I am hard work yes i know that thank you ! Didn’t trap him what do ever was happy with my two especially as they are at the age were they are becoming more independent

It just seems pretty suss - doesn’t it seem that way to you? From the little you’ve said I would question wether he has really broken up with the ex, whether he is doing anything at weekends other than looking after the twins.and whether he does actually want to live with you full time in a joint-finances-together-forever way rather than just a cocklodger way… but I’m sure there’s lots of background info you haven’t included here. it is at least reassuring to read that you’ve met his family and friends etc, so maybe it’s not quite as peculiar as first it seemed… I presume you have also been to his place and spent time there, so you know for sure that he does have his own place…

Regardless of this, I can totally see why he would want to reassure and prioritize his 3 year olds right now, and be available to them when possible. From their point of view (if they were old enough to figure this out) their dad spends over half the week with his new baby/new girlfriend and two other children. They get 48 hours a week. No harm for him to make sure they are prioritised at the weekends while your baby is still so little.

Also - of course he gives their mum money every month. That is what he is supposed to do.

Plenty of people who do live together see each other barely any more than you currently see your partner, due to work commitments. Plenty people’s partners don’t pull their weight with a new baby, without having twin toddlers to also manage. If these were all your joint children you’d probably be delighted that he stepped up with the toddlers at the weekends. He is only one person and can’t be in two places at once.

If he doesn’t participate when he is with you then talk to him about it… Does the baby sleep through? Does he help with your older children when he is at yours? Or deal with the baby when he gets home so you can spend time with them? How old are you older children? How do they feel about his twins? How do the twins feel about them? Have you talked with your partner about how it might work financially if you did all live together?

How are your oldest children handling all of this? Have they also met his friends and family? It must be incredibly tough on them… I would be much more concerned about them than your four month old if I were you, and be trying to take my focus off my boyfriend (hard as it may be) and onto my children - the ones who are old enough to be aware of the situation.

A 4 month old would get cold if they spent two hours in a swimming pool.

Children have different needs at different ages.

My kids used to spend a lot of time with his kids and they get along well but it has all been stopped since I gave birth. My son is 7 and my daughter is 3.

To be honest, if the twins were your children, the dynamic could be fairly similar... in that you would be kicking your hubby out at the weekend with the older siblings so you and baby can chill.

Yes they would but we could get out and get changed do bottle and watch them . Yes they do but dosent mean they can’t all be included

He doesn't sound like a very good father. I would claim child maintenance seeing as he's not contributing financially. Accept you are single.

I think it would be unreasonable to be upset about being left out of swimming as baby won't know and the twins probably do need time with dad without baby it's a big adjustment for them a new sibling. But I do think you have a point about not getting any other time all together.

I echo someone else suggesting put baby to bed at 8 instead to get more time.

But actually I'd also say stop letting him stay over?? Is he doing your housework for you and baby washing etc etc? Who is cooking? He's not contributing financially. I'm worried you are cooking and cleaning for him too. He's taking the piss and using you.

25 is young to have 3 kids. Maybe concentrate on yourself for a while work out what you deserve because no one deserves men like this partner of your and the previous one doesn't sound better if he has no contact.

So there’s 5 kids amongst this mess? Poor kids

At the weekend I have three kids on my own while he is off with his kids . I would want to do stuff together as a family he went for ice cream in the week with them so they have had time on their own. Weekends are time for families to be together

My kids are fine thank you.

I've a feeling he has no intention of being a permanent father to your ds, let alone moving in as a family unit. He can play happy families and have you for sex and company as and when it suits then ditch you to be with his dc, Seems like the baby is very much seen as your responsibility. You resent the £209 he pays towards the twins so make a claim with CMS yourself. Is he on the birth certificate?

Christ alive.

OP. Your problem is that you've had a baby with a man who has other children.

He wants to see them.
He can only see them at weekends.
How would you feel about seeing your child only at the weekends?

It's not his fault that your tiny baby sleeps so much, during the week.
Neither is it his other children's' fault.

You don't even live together.

You are a single parent.

You need to accept this.

What @PurpleBugz says is worth considering. He really does not sound like a good partner OP, and if bringing this up with him has meant he is now in a strip and not speaking to you then that says A LOT about how much you should want to dodge this bullet. That reaction is 🚩
I would really try to focus on yourself, your studies and the children. Don’t spend your energy on second guessing him - it’s a waste of a very valuable resource.

It sounds like you’re the side chick.
Sounds a mess. Do better for your kids.

I can’t fathom why women who are already single parents would willingly bear children by men who have not too long ago already had multiple young children with other women.

He buys the odd pack of nappies and wipes for my son

What do you see in him?

Strop not strip 🤦🏻‍♀️

I do see that it's quite a lot to not have your child's father around for the whole weekend, almost every weekend. It must be lonely for you. You only get a few hours of help and seeing your partner a week. And your partner only has two non working days and he never spends them, even shared, with your baby.

Can you ask him Why you can't spend time together as a lender family? Do the 3 year olds ask for one on one time with their dad? I can see how them might want some time with just their dad (just like any older siblings might) but Why can't you and baby have lunch etc with them (I understand there is not space for you all to sleep at either help). It's like you're excluded from all of them for 2.5 days a week.
I kind of get it and I don't think the PP saying 'why did you have this baby' are helpful.

In the meantime you need to build up your support network so you have other people to spend time with and help you, for your own mental health x

Oh yes. What if he never left the twins mother and tells her that he works away Monday-Thursday?

Crazy arrangement. Why did you have a baby with a guy who had twin toddlers And who you were not living with? Are you suggesting you would have taken 5 kids to the pool with 2 adults, one of which would have been constantly holding a baby?

Maybe he wants to spend time with his sons without having yours around, since they don't see their dad.

Sorry but I suspect this relationship is starting on a bad note

You’re a single parent with three children and a very part time boyfriend, who doesn’t sound as though he can be a father to your son. I think you should plan your life without considering him, other than getting whatever financial support you can from him.

Of course a 4 month old can't be included in this kind if activity. Maybe you should have thought twice before having a baby with somebody who already has very young twins. This goes for him too. One Saturday together every five weeks is not very satisfactory at all.

I don’t know why you are getting a hard time, I think you are right. He spends 4hrs a week with the baby and pays for the odd nappies? He’s not committed to you nor does he want to put in the hard work with the baby. His children are just his get out clause because who’s going to argue about a father spending time with the poor children he’s separated from. But it’s a cop out. It doesn’t need to be one or the other, he has 3 children.
You need to separate from him, stop letting him use you during the week, and put in a maintenance claim.

I don't know why you are getting such a hard time OP. Well I do, mumsnet is brutal on 2nd families.

I think your partner is out of order. Not only is he not being a good father to your son, he's also not allowing his older children to bond with their new sibling, which is so important.

You say your baby is even left out of trips to nanny's at the weekend...doesn't his mum want to see her little grandson???

I think you need to have a stern word with him tbh, this is not on.

I like his mum she is great however I feel like the twins come first with her she is always buying them stuff posts pictures of them on Facebook ask to pop round to his and see them but I don’t get any of that