Our new baby is left out

[Baby2023]

Hello

we have a 4 month old boy together and he has twins who are 3 from a past relationship. We are saving to moving in with each other. When he has his kids at the weekends he then at his. However our little boy is left out when they do stuff at the weekend. For example they are going swimming tommrow with nanny and they haven’t invited me and my son to go along with them. He would never think about leaving one of the twins and only taking one of them but is fine about leaving our little boy out. I am really cross and feel this is very unfair to our boy. Am I over reacting about him being left out. Yes I know he is only 4 Months but he hates being away from his dad and as he grows up he will see he is being left out

@Baby2023 thinking about the swimming: has your baby been swimming before? Taking a 4 month old swimming is a challenge - they should have had all their vaccinations (2, 3 and 4 month vaccinations - last time I checked) and they should have healed up. Has your baby had all of those?

Then there is the challenge of making sure baby is awake at the right time for the swim, and fed, and doesn't need their nappy changed - there is a very small time window for this. Add on top of that making sure the twin 3 year olds have eaten as well, so they have enough energy for this.

Then - taking three children age three and under in the pool (and changing them all, making sure none run and slip on the side, none drown and all have clean nappies or can be taken to the toilet as needed) is really hard work.

I wouldn't let three children 3 and under go with only two adults, so if the baby has had all their vaccinations and they've healed then you should really have all three adults with the three children when they are so small.

Then you need to tell him this. But you're OP comes across as needy.

As he is with you and your baby Monday-Thursdays I think it's very decent of him to spend quality time with his twins at the weekend without you and baby. I'm sure it must be hard for those twins boot to see their dad thought the week when he's just with you and your baby. Why should they share their time with the new baby must be hard on them as it is.

Bloody typos 🙄

You’re going to be a single mum to 3 kids in your mid thirties OP, sorry but I would prepare for they. This man doesn’t sound like he wasn’t much to do with you or your children.

Mid twenties!

Quite clear that the father in this situation is being pretty useless with his infant son.

Doesn't contribute financially bar the odd pack of nappies/wipes, doesn't give mum a break on any weekends and he works during the week so doesn't get a break then.

I don't blame her for wanting to join them on a swimming trip, just so she isn't by herself again.

The swimming isn't really the issue here though - the issue is a man who has produced 3 children in a short period of time and isn't dividing his time very well at all. A messy situation all round but not any of the children's fault.

From your 4 month olds perspectives however he isn't going to be aware of this - yet. Even if he does have a good bond with his father, he won't be aware that his dad isn't around on weekends.

I would wait and see - be honest if you need a break or some time but atm it isn't a case of your baby is being left out. Give it some time and see if it gets better as your son gets older. Although, it is important that he spends time with the older two alone as well - your son should also get this one on one time.

I think it’s really important that the 3 year olds get quality time with their dad. In general, but especially with the arrival of a new baby. As your baby gets older I’m sure this will resolve itself. Leaving a newborn at home is a totally different scenario to leaving out a toddler.

If part of the issue is that you resent the amount of time at the weekend that you don’t have support from your DP, then separate that from the kids and speak to him.

I'm sorry you're getting a hard time- but did he ever spend weekends with you, or has it always been this way? You say you're moving in together- sounds like that would need to be a 4-5 bedroom house- you have three kids, he has 2. Have you discussed the size of house that would be required for all the kids? The swimming isn't the issue- it wouldn't be safe to take 2 3yr olds and a baby swimming- and no fun for the older kids. The issue is it doesn't seem like you actually can combine your households, and he doesn't really want to.

You are feeding and housing him 4 days a week and all he provides is some nappies and wipes.

Wow. What a catch.

Prepare for being a single parent and get a CMS claim in.

Jesus OP. You are 25 and have 3 children - 4 mth, 3 yrs and 7 yrs old, which means you had children very young. Your older 2 have no relationship with their dad and now you managed to find another loser. He pays no money for child maintenance and keeps you at arms length. He is not your partner. You are a single mum of 3 kids at 25 and you are a student relying on benefits. You keep making mistakes when you pick men and are ruining your life. Your poor kids are also feeling the consequences of your actions. Just leave this useless man and concentrate on getting your life together. Be financially independent and little bit more mature.

This.

This must have all happened very quickly which shows poor judgement on both your parts.

It sounds like you're not in a real relationship tbh, how often do you actually see him?

You chose to have a child with somebody that you don’t live with and who has other parenting responsibilities. Suck it up.

By the same token, your baby isn't being left out either...he's with HIS mum.

The first thing that strikes me OP, is that the twins’ mum is a a very hard worker who is trying her best to support her family by working all hours she can. Maybe your bf and his mum recognise that fact and try to help out as much as they can at weekends with the twins. Twins are so demanding at 3, nearly 4.
It’s possible that they think that adding you and your 4month old plus your older children (at times) into the mix will simply be too much to handle for them especially all in one go.

You aren’t being unreasonable to think that your bf should have more interaction with your baby but with the current set-up he seems completely overwhelmed. No wonder he has decided on no more children.
I wouldn’t push the swimming as it seems to be the only time the twins get one on one fun time with a parent …they are otherwise raised mostly in childcare. Your baby is young and his dad’s presence is a bonus for now. Maybe things will change once the twins start school and their mum can stop working weekends to pay for child care.

What I would advise is that you determine to be the best mum you can be to your own three children, within your own little unit without the expectation that he will eventually step up. Do your studies and get yourself sorted as a long term single mum. Formulate a plan to go forward and get a good job and stick to your own plan, without him in the mix. Sadly, you can’t rely on him or his mum for now.
Then if your bf does get round to saving enough and committing enough to wanting to live with you full time, you can decide properly what is best for your own little family, knowing you are perfectly independent without him.

In the meantime, you should of course encourage him to build a relationship with your little one if he can and if he is willing, but try not to stress about the blended family part as that might never happen.
Good luck, I hope you can work it well out for your three children.

I get you op , don’t have a solution for you . You are going to feel left out in the situation I am afraid .

I think other people are being harsh here. I don’t think this relationship will fulfil you though OP. I’ve been in a similar situation and it made me miserable .

A woman with a 4 month old who is ‘needy ‘ and wants to see the father of her baby more at the weekend . WOW , how awful of her 🙄 . But of course OP should have KNOWN she would feel like this as he has other kids . Hmmmm, very typical mumsnet .

you should really have all three adults with the three children when they are so small

Yes that was the plan if you just read the OP posts

Dad, Gran, OP, twins and baby -

Sorry for another post .
OP, please just end this relationship , claim cm, hopefully he works. Focus on your and your children . Try to get all the support you can . PM me if you would like to talk , I have been there.

This isn’t a kids problem. It’s a your partner abdicating responsibility for a new baby problem.

@Baby2023 - when your baby is older you will realise how important it is to be a good Dad, which is what he is doing.

🙄

But then there is OP's own 3 year old, and her 7 year old. Who's got eyes on them?

I'm sorry to say, @Baby2023 , that this guy is showing you exactly where you and your children are in his list of priorities - pretty near the bottom.

I suspect he was looking for some fun and horizontal social dancing, but doesn't see this as a serious long-term thing. The clear separation of you and your children from his 'other' family indicates he has no intention of trying to make this work as a blended family.

It doesn't sound like you're in a committed relationship with this man at this point. It sounds like he comes round some evenings for some fun and occasionally sees you and your baby at the weekend when he doesn't have other commitments. If that's all he wants then he's unlikely to magically change.

I think you need to start planning for and living your life as a single parent. Have more respect for yourself - you're worth more than being left hanging by losers. And look at how you can make better choices when looking for a boyfriend, as well as using contraception.