Trauma or Autism or neither.

[StrugglesSadness]

Firstly, I apologize for the length.

My son first started displaying worrying behaviour when he was 1.5. Flying into a rage & not being able to calm down for hours & hours. By 3, I asked for help, I did parenting courses & learned he suffers from anxiety.

Sister born.

Age 4 me & his dad split up. He was was still around a lot, we still had family days out. My son witnessed some shouting between us. It wasn't all harmonious.

By the age of 6 the behaviour had turned violent towards myself. I'm walking on eggshells. Anything sets him off. A Caff was opened. Anxiety was noted. Advice like 'Just walk away' leading me to wander around the house carrying my 2 year old, for hours. Exhausting myself & being attacked constantly from behind.

Covid. Home schooling, if my son can see the work there on the laptop, then he has to get it done. He won't have a break or rest if he can see work there.

Age 8 2nd Caff opened. This Support worker put all of the blame on myself & I agree. Support worker tells me not to cry in front of my son as it 'Makes him think that I am weak'. I am weak.

Behaviour is now absolutely horrendous. Leaving the home, extreme violence. Talks about wanting to kill himself. Gets hold of knives & uses anything he can as weapons. My heart is breaking for my son. Violence extends to his sister.

This lovely school worker mentions Autism & PDA. (She has left now. Beyond gutted) Maybe I can finally make things better for my son... Support worker is having none of it. Constantly tells me that meltdowns are happening because my son is 'Tired/hungry/bored/it's normal' Etc. Etc.

I complain to her manager & ask for the Caff to be closed if that's all the help she's going to be. Caff has been opened for a year & a half, we get a new support worker & keep it open.

New worker is on board with the 'Possible autism'. Tells me it's not my fault.
School is a bit... 'There's a few things going on but nothing of much concern, however, we are concerned re his behaviour at home. (Also, sister is crying in class & tells them that he hurts her)

so (almost done!) Here we are now. We are having family therapy sessions & the therapist has decided that my son is suffering from trauma due to his dad leaving, & that it's nothing like autism. He's dropped this bombshell on me.

I'm not sure where to go from here. When I google, there's clearly overlaps between autism/Trauma. How do I know which one it is? (If it's any) what do I do?

Obviously the thought of my son walking around traumatised is just horrendous. How can I help him? Surely if it's trauma then he needs counselling or something?

I know that nobody on here can actually tell me, I just feel so lost.

Choconuttolata I'm going to go back to Barnardo's & ask them. I'm not sure why they never called me back (I was going to ask counsellor to give them a nudge but didn't get round to it) but they are my last hope now.

There was one other who came back to me but said that they are more about helping with court hearings etc.

A small bit of kindness, after reading my reply they have put it through as a special case with their manager. So it's not a yes but it's better than an outright no.

And my son is 'On the verge of' tonight, so fingers crossed.

@StrugglesSadness hopefully the advocacy service can see sense - it seems utterly illogical for them to only be able to support you if social work support that, when it's social work you need advocacy to support you in dealing with...

Scirocco It does. Things like this just make me think that I'm obviously in the wrong for not being able to talk to the Social worker & everybody else clearly gets along with theirs, as that's how this service works, & that's not helping how I feel about everything.

I was hoping to hear from SS today but I suppose it's going to take a while? I'm not sure.

I've some experience of working with people who are working with different parts of social work services and I feel confident in saying that there are lots of people who don't get along with their social worker. Many areas of the system seem to work on the assumption that people will get along with each other, which is nice in theory but often not the case in reality, @StrugglesSadness .

Thank you Scirocco. That's helpful.
It's sad really as in the beginning I thought that she was fine. I didn't have any complaints, I mean she wasn't 'warm' but then I didn't expect her to be, & I could live with her ignoring my emails to a point, as long as everything else was ok... It all started to unravel with the NDD referral & never recovered I think.

I've managed to get my son to bed without a meltdown so all good.

Shame that I'm in such turmoil with my own thoughts & feelings

Hopefully Barnados get back to you soon.

How has the end of the week gone?

DS had a school trip today which has had him on edge all week, despite a slight wobble when the school gate wasn't open when we arrived early as requested this morning he coped really well 😅

Thank you Choconuttolata. I'm glad that today went well in the end (Sigh of relief from yourself!) It's so hard for them isn't it.

I spoke to my local Women's aid about an advocate today (as I was doing an online course with them anyway) they don't know but are going to look into it.

I sent Feedback (as requested) to the counsellor & told the truth... I feel really guilty that I was so negative but I did specify that i'm upset about the ending, when I need support the most, & not the 'during'.
I gave 10/10 for my son
8/10 for mine (generally)
& 0/10 for my last session.

My son is ok. He's actually in good spirits.

Someone posted on a thread about courses they have done that helped them with their child, I thought you might be interested.

One was this one:

https://www.illuminateu.ca/courses

Newbold Hope Family Support Group I think I linked for you before.

https://www.newboldhope.com/webinars1

Thank you Choconuttolata. I've read all of the free things listed on the website & they were really helpful.

I'm doing one course through Women's aid & one through the parenting hub right now. They are ok, I really want to do the one for 'If you think that your child may have additional needs' but they want me to finish these ones first.

My son is very upset tonight BUT we've avoided a meltdown. He's in bed (he chose to go early, he is exhausted)

I don't know whether this helps, but there appears to be a self referral form on here

https://www.aceanglia.com/what-we-do/one-to-one-advocacy/

Thank you for finding all if these places for me to try, Choconuttolata. I really appreciate it. These are the people who I'm waiting to hear if it's been approved or not (has to be sent by the Social worker apparently but they are re-considering my case)

This can take up to 4 weeks though so it will be coming up to the date of the next meeting.

The email sent by the Emotional well-being hub (saying that they can't help us) was sent a couple of weeks ago but I've only just been able to access it.

It states that my son's 'Difficulties appear to be heavily influenced by his environment' and that 'Effective change might happen if the advice & strategies shared with you by Social Services are implemented'.

I don't know how I can change my environment unless they mean living with his dad.

I contacted the EHCP people to ask what/if anything I'm supposed to be doing re an appeal & they've said that the case is closed? So I'm waiting for them to clarify on that. As far as I was aware, it would be refused the first time & then you appeal. They said that they will send me a letter.

I've spoken to the Social workers live chat & asked if they have a date when I will be contacted by the social workers manager. They said to just wait.

I asked the Social worker if she can reply to my email re parenting assessment, as I've been waiting 11 days now.

Reply :

This is just an assessment tool to see where & what support needs to be put into place from the outcome of the assessment.

As for court, any & all assessments or reports would be read by the judge. However, I'm not sure where this has come from as we aren't entering court proceedings?

I just replied with 'Its come from me googling as I didn't get a response to my email asking what it was, & I don't have anybody to physically 'Ask', so have to resort to Google.

What advice and strategies exactly are the wellbeing hub referring to?

Choconuttolata I'm not sure. I don't suppose they will tell me if I ask them. I don't suppose that I will ever know what she said to them. Putting him in his room? Well I don't know why she wants me to do the behaviour course, as they are going to tell me to lead him to his room, like they did last time.

All that she's ever told me to do is parenting courses & visit that wellbeing cafe. There is the council housing & I'm trying to get that sorted.

This may just be me being sensitive, but when I emailed her earlier I said 'Hello, I know that you are busy but i'm still hoping for a response to this email sent on this date at this time'. She came back with 'Which one? You sent 3 on that day'.

I feel like she's always (well, whenever she answers me) being snippy with me for the amount of emails that I send. On that day, I sent one detailing meltdown, one in response to her question, & then one asking about the parenting assessment (so I sent 3 & she sent me 2, one answering me & one about the assessment)

& before today, I've not emailed her for 6 days. Surely that's not too many?

You have two months to appeal from the date of the letter that advised you of the LA decision.

Ipsea now have a tribunal appeal line you can call https://www.ipsea.org.uk/call-in-helpline

it’s the long game, but at the least he needs to see and Ed psych, Salt or someone to kick start this process properly.

I am sorry that thinks are still shit. This is why social care are seen as so ineffectual.

Hi imip Yes I spoke to them yesterday & they told me that I missed the deadline by 3 days. They told me somebody else to try to see if I could still get it done, they said no but for a last attempt ask the school Senco... Well I emailed her but I think we know the answer don't we.

I was trying IPSEA yesterday afternoon. It just always says that there's no appointments.

Gutted that I messed up with the EHCP. At the back of my mind I was thinking 'We need this for high school so there's no immediate rush for the Appeal'.

I can't seem to get anything sorted, but I'm trying.

Today's online parenting course was all about how we can manage future scary situations. I just can't listen to it. I did all of the breathing & strategies etc before the last school meeting, I had a fidget in my hands etc & it turned out horrendously. So I just don't want to/can't hear it & it's making me just concentrate on that next meeting & I can't keep thinking about that as it's making me panic.

I've had to turn my camera off as I'm sat here sobbing. I've emailed them to tell them that I'm finding this really hard.

I don't know why I can't do this. It's just so difficult.

The Parent coordinators who are running the course, have suggested that I ask the counsellor for an extra session/phonecall to talk this through.

So that's made me sob all over again as that's not an option now

I would suggest maybe at this stage hold off on the EHCP until he goes up to high school and you have different school staff to work with.

The one thing I would do is keep chasing the CAMHS referral that Barnados spoke about. Also the ND referral now he is 11.

I think you need 1:1 work for anything like managing scary situations etc..., sounds like the group work isn't suiting you please consider doing a CBT self referral, the good ones will provide counselling and do some CBT exercises for you to work on between sessions and it would be a route into other types of support for you through the IAPT links.

How can I chase the ND referral when she won't do it?

I've got a horrible cold & cough, I was sooo tired already & drained from the parenting course & now my poor son is having a meltdown.

The counsellor emailed me just saying nothing really. I asked for an apology & he answered again, still not saying sorry.

Once the complaint has gone through then you have another avenue to chase the ND referral. Have you made it an official complaint, because if you are not satisfied with the response you can keep escalating it through the complaint stages, it then gets sent to higher managers and eventually it reaches an independent panel.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/wales/family/looking-after-people/social-services-complaints-w/social-services-complaints-using-the-complaints-procedure-w/#:~:text=The%20stages%20of%20the%20complaints,to%20look%20into%20your%20complaint

I thought the counsellor was finished with you now, want did he want?

Sorry you are feeling poorly, hope your son's meltdown didn't last too long and you are now getting to rest.

Thank you Choconuttolata. I havn't. I was hoping that I could do all of that with an advocate 'On my side'.

Terrible evening. So difficult. It's one of those where I actually have no idea how/why it started (although he gave me several reasons during, all to do with changes of routine) He was giggling & happy then all of a sudden he just 'went'.

The counsellor said that he'd passed my text & feedback email to his manager, & that I have 7 sessions still funded so can have a new person if I want, seeing as I was never happy with him.

(My feedback included, as a separate point, complaining that I never received the phonecall from Barnardo's themselves, to fill out the advocacy form, so I said go ahead, hand them all to the manager)

I said that I was happy with him, gave him 8/10 didn't I?! Just not the ending session. That one upset me & I wanted an apology. I said that I'm not sure about starting over as the thing that I liked about him mainly was that he'd 'met' my son.

I told him briefly what had happened with the parenting course yesterday because I'm not suddenly 'Fine' about everything, I'm struggling, as I always was.

He then said that he'd read all of the texts & emails again & could see that I blame him for upsetting me but we could have the last sessions together if I want?!

I'm not really sure what he was doing tbh other than dragging everything up. Way back near the beginning, he apologized for remarks that he made that upset me, & it was all good after that. But this time he's doing the whole 'Well you feel how you feel but it's nothing to do with me'. Kind of thing.

Anyway. I'm writing this, laying on the bathroom floor. I feel horrendous. I'm shaking. Freezing then burning up. I've just been sick, although it was a lot of trying to be sick but not a lot to bring up, as I've not eaten or had a drink since 4 yesterday.

My son is asleep on his bedroom floor. In amongst everything that he trashed. My daughter is in my room on her mattress.

Everything is so difficult.

Sorry to hear that you are ill - this is going through my family also.

Don’t worry about the EHCP now. I do also hope your secondary is better. I don’t get the gatekeeping of referrals in your area, just so harmful.

Bigger plan now for the summer holidays and what you can do to keep him entertained and give you respite. Could you organise with the ex to have the children separately so that you can do 1:1 time? Especially for your daughter. I would almost draw a line under the services who seem to lazily want to blame parenting, perhaps emboldened by your ex. Tbh, this is also the cheapest way out for them.

Perhaps starting again in secondary and familiarising yourself with the SEN code of practice. This will be a difficult time for your son transitioning to secondary and starting now with a plan is really helpful. We try on uniform a lot, walk the route to school. We watched them line up before school, got a copy of the school planner early (my child had an EHCP so they were good with this).

While I think a diagnosis is so very helpful, the reality is that all these things like an EHCP, diagnosis, social services etc kinda fade away after diagnosis and you are left in a similar position but with a piece of paper! CAMHS had been essentially useless for us (all too little to late) and we had to somehow get there in our own. We are used to this now (though exhausted from still having to keep our 17 yo safe).

Finding others that could help, seeing if your local parent cater forum have coffee mornings - and parents who have experience of local services - is always so helpful. I think this is your area https://www.familyvoice.org.uk/posts/news-events/

imip I want SS to go away though. As this 'support' just isn't anything. That's why I asked her to close it a couple of months ago & she was going to, until my son tried to attack me, his dad & sister with a knife & then she said that she can't close it, but all that means is that we are 'under' SS. They've not done anything since the knife incident.

But I'd rather have nothing than this. I now have to email her & that will either be ignored or I'll get some angry email back about 'Why was he in his room?'

If we were to get a diagnosis today, say, then I'd feel more comfortable going to the parent groups as the ones that I've been to, everybody there has a diagnosis so I don't feel like I fit in. & it would stop my son questioning Autism, I could just answer that with a yes or no. (I know that will also bring a whole host of other questions!)

I use the holiday clubs in the holidays, they do a day each so that I get a day with each of them (sometimes my son does 2 days, depending how much he liked it. I'm hoping they do the Tech club again as he loved that.

I'm struggling today. I'm sooo nauseous. My son in 'On the verge of' & I just don't have any energy for that today. I'm hoping that he will be ok, poor boy.