Trauma or Autism or neither.

[StrugglesSadness]

Firstly, I apologize for the length.

My son first started displaying worrying behaviour when he was 1.5. Flying into a rage & not being able to calm down for hours & hours. By 3, I asked for help, I did parenting courses & learned he suffers from anxiety.

Sister born.

Age 4 me & his dad split up. He was was still around a lot, we still had family days out. My son witnessed some shouting between us. It wasn't all harmonious.

By the age of 6 the behaviour had turned violent towards myself. I'm walking on eggshells. Anything sets him off. A Caff was opened. Anxiety was noted. Advice like 'Just walk away' leading me to wander around the house carrying my 2 year old, for hours. Exhausting myself & being attacked constantly from behind.

Covid. Home schooling, if my son can see the work there on the laptop, then he has to get it done. He won't have a break or rest if he can see work there.

Age 8 2nd Caff opened. This Support worker put all of the blame on myself & I agree. Support worker tells me not to cry in front of my son as it 'Makes him think that I am weak'. I am weak.

Behaviour is now absolutely horrendous. Leaving the home, extreme violence. Talks about wanting to kill himself. Gets hold of knives & uses anything he can as weapons. My heart is breaking for my son. Violence extends to his sister.

This lovely school worker mentions Autism & PDA. (She has left now. Beyond gutted) Maybe I can finally make things better for my son... Support worker is having none of it. Constantly tells me that meltdowns are happening because my son is 'Tired/hungry/bored/it's normal' Etc. Etc.

I complain to her manager & ask for the Caff to be closed if that's all the help she's going to be. Caff has been opened for a year & a half, we get a new support worker & keep it open.

New worker is on board with the 'Possible autism'. Tells me it's not my fault.
School is a bit... 'There's a few things going on but nothing of much concern, however, we are concerned re his behaviour at home. (Also, sister is crying in class & tells them that he hurts her)

so (almost done!) Here we are now. We are having family therapy sessions & the therapist has decided that my son is suffering from trauma due to his dad leaving, & that it's nothing like autism. He's dropped this bombshell on me.

I'm not sure where to go from here. When I google, there's clearly overlaps between autism/Trauma. How do I know which one it is? (If it's any) what do I do?

Obviously the thought of my son walking around traumatised is just horrendous. How can I help him? Surely if it's trauma then he needs counselling or something?

I know that nobody on here can actually tell me, I just feel so lost.

The women in the cafe said that they can do 1-1 sessions with me as the group sessions won't work. I've made an appointment & for now, they've done a Safeguarding referral.

I asked Family Solutions if she can call me as my son's dad is being really nasty today (by text) about who is having the children going forwards.

She answered & said that she is at the end of her work with us.

You might qualify for free legal advice as a victim of domestic abuse around securing child arrangements if he is becoming nasty. Women's Aid are worth calling as they can direct you to services.

Choconuttolata Thank you. I hope your family are all 'well' now.

It's been an emotionally draining day (It's hard work with my mum sometimes) Family solutions saying no when I reached out, & my ex pushing & pushing me.

I feel really sad.

What is he pushing you on? To make him the main carer?

No, he's never said yes or no to being the main carer, only that we 'Don't have to do that' & 'Should talk about it'. But now he's angry with me saying that I'm playing games.

He's saying that he will just move to wherever then, instead of nearby, threatening to not see them at all.

Calling me stupid saying that I can't read a text etc.

Having a go at me for 'Not speaking' during the meeting & 'Lying' to the Social worker. (I don't know about what)

People won't understand because they aren't 'In it'. & I should be able to just block it out but it gets into my head & I find it really hard, hence reaching out to Family Solutions, as there is nobody else to ask.

I would screenshot everything as evidence and keep collecting your diary of contact times. Then try and get some legal advice or advice from a domestic abuse charity, they may even has access to advocates.

@StrugglesSadness I hope you're safe tonight.

Reasing what's been happening, it reads like your ex is still an abuser, and he is using co-parenting as a route to achieve this. Worse, he seems to have 'groomed' the very agencies that are meant to be supporting you and your children, so that they are unable to recognise what's happening, are buying in to elements of his narrative, and are even facilitating his continued abuse. I agree with previous posters that you should be able to have someone at these meetings with you. If you feel strong enough, you might even want to consider whether to go down the route if a formal complaint, as social services are supposed to work to protect survivors of domestic abuse, not to facilitate more abuse.

Today, you inspired me, actually. We had a situation where DC had a huge meltdown in a really quite unsafe location (halfway up a spiral staircase...), and as part of my brain went "argh can't deal with this", I thought of you, thought how you would manage that sort of thing, and got through it. Thank you.

Thank you for saying that Scirocco. That's kind of you.
I hope that things have calmed down for you all now.

My ex is quiet now.

And thank you Choconuttolata.

I do need to make a complaint I think, but I can't do it on my own. I told the people at the cafe today about how my ex is still being. It was really hard to talk about.

I filled in the valuation form for Family Solutions (but I'm not sure who to hand it in to, as I won't see anybody) I said that, even though I was upset with her, I've never & would never have stopped her from visiting with the children. They've constantly asked about her & now I'm going to have to tell them that she's not coming anymore, without saying goodbye.

I told my mum some of what has been happening & she was really angry about me saying that I shouldn't be the main carer anymore. I get it, I just needed her to not be angry with me today whilst my ex was also angry with me.

Family Solutions went to see the kids with their dad yesterday, she just text me & told me. So when I was asking if she could help me yesterday & she said that she was at the end of her time with us, she meant that she still has time for him.

I am glad that she saw the children though as they've always asked why she just disappeared.

She asked if I can have a meeting just us next week to get my 'Final thoughts'. I said that I can't as I am with the children all week apart from Wednesday evening (how does that fit with him having them half the week)

So I text her my 'Final thoughts'. & ended with 'Sorry but I have nothing good to say'.

Before all of this, a social worker rang & said that she'd received a call from the school & wanted to check if we were all ok & how things are going. I told her that everything is the same as it always is & we have no support at all. As is usual. She asked if I have weekly contact with the Social worker? Nope. Apparently our Social worker is on leave & I hadn't been told that either.

Finally, the day started with a text at 6.30am from their dad, asking if I can give him some clothes so that he doesn't have to go to the shop. So I got up & got those together.

I don't mind as I got to quickly see the children & give them a cuddle, I miss them

But I am wondering where all of his clothes have gone all of a sudden. I thought that one of the things that SS/FS check is if they have clean clothes? Obviously not in his case.

I hate today. I hate everything. It's all too hard.

I am sorry to hear you so down. When I have been ‘stuck’ with my kids and not knowing what to do, I have to remind myself that I can only go forward. Eventually today becomes a little less hard than yesterday, and the most recent couple of weeks become a little bit easier than a month back.

He is a bit shit not to be providing clothes etc, but that adds to the pile of what is shit about him!

Thank you imip. I just can't see it. It's one step forwards, 6 steps back. Always. And it never changes.

I just can't see a way out of this mess for myself or my children.

I guess it might be settling in the new normal?

as cliche as it is, can I suggest self care? Just do something small that you love. For me it was planting bulbs this winter and seeing them now come up. I don’t have a big garden, but it is just something small. What are the things I would like to do if I was like everyone else and had a ‘normal’ life. That’s how I look at it, reclaiming something for me. Previously I would have thought of this as selfish, but as my children have gotten older, it has become a necessity. I also studied a little and got a job. This summer I would like sweet peas as I love the smell. So I can going to buy a plant. And I have cornflower seeds that I can planting today. There is a lot of shit that’s in my life, one of my dc has revealed new self harm scars, but I need to reclaim some normality for me. This is my new normal, sadly.

I hope that makes sense and I hope you can think of something small that makes you happy. It takes a lot of mental strength to get to this point, I think. So don’t worry if it feels too much. Just think of one small thing….

Thank you for sharing that imip. I'm glad that you are able to find some small things for you in amongst your struggles. My mum loved Sweet peas but I can't place the smell atm.

I like to do colouring. I have those pattern books & I bought myself a grown ups dot-to-dot book recently. I spotted in whilst looking for something for the kids.

I just don't feel like it helps long-term. I've said this to the Social worker (way back when she used to speak to me) & the counsellor, that I'll do some colouring in the morning, & then later there's 6 hours of extreme violence where I'm being hurt physically, mentally, emotionally, & after all of that my heart is breaking for my son, & I'm not going to then think... 'But that colouring that I did earlier made me feel great'.

Sorry, I'm just in a very negative head-space, I know.

The biggest torment that I have in my head is that people aren't listening to me. I can't help my son on my own & people aren't listening. It took me a long time to start speaking up (& I still struggle with it) but when I do tell people now, they aren't listening.

Like yesterday when the other Social worker phoned me & her only answer to me saying that we have no support was 'I will get your social worker to phone you next week'.

Or when I told Family Solutions that I've felt so utterly unsupported & put-down, that I'm willing to hand over care of my children, & nobody is questioning that... & I receive no response.

Things like that hurt me deeply.

There is a new parenting course for if you suspect that your child may be ND, so I put my name down, but I was thinking 'If they tell me that it actually sound like he may be ND, then that isn't going to help me, or him, as we can't move forwards with this.

My son keeps telling me that his dad is going to do one week with one parent & then switch over. His dad says that he never said this but my son has mentioned it 3 times. And if my week 'child-free' is going to be how these few days have been, with his did just texting, criticizing & upsetting me, then it is just going to be awful.

I don't want to not see my children for a week & I don't want their dad to keep being nasty to me during that time. But there is nobody who will listen to my side.

Their dad has just said that the problems that we are having with our daughter not listening etc are my fault

He always said that my son banging his head on the floor etc, was my fault, but not for a while, so I don't have copies of the messages now, but he's now blaming me for our daughter.

I can't do this

Just took screenshot in case he deletes, not that it will matter as nobody will care.

He probably has Social workers approval to speak to me like this

He will blame you because he is incapable of accepting any responsibility for his part in this.

Your DD has been living with the emotional impact of your son's behaviour as have you. It also must be confusing for both kids having their Dad talking about changes to contact arrangements. Also she is a child and sometimes they don't listen.

Well done for screenshotting. It is building a picture of a pattern of behaviour on his part.

Thank you Choconuttolata.

Just an update.

Back to school tomorrow, my son had his Birthday & we've had a few absolutely horrendous meltdowns. They went on & on.

Lots of injuries to myself. He tried to strangle himself once but mainly all of the violence has been aimed at me. The bedroom door no longer 'sticks', so he can just hurt me & there's nothing that I can do.

He's so angry with me about everything. It's very hard to hear that I hate him & do nothing for him, have never loved him, when he's had days out for his Birthday with us, other family, & a meet up for his Birthday with his friends

The counsellor said that my son doesn't think that he deserves anything 'good' so that's why he doesn't want his Birthday. He's absolutely correct with that, it turns out, although this is the first year that my son has been like this about his Birthday.

I have kept everything as 'low key' as possible & we've had time to decompress, but I've still, obviously, massively messed up this year.

I never heard from the Social worker. Or Family Solutions after I sent her my 'Final thoughts'.

Or the counsellor. He was off the week before last & then we couldn't work it out for last week (as I only had Wednesday evening child free) he said that he'd contact me Friday morning to arrange for this week but I didn't hear from him.

I spoke to the woman running the next Parenting courses. Those are all sorted. She heard my son mid-meltdown & he screamed 'She is a massive, stupid chicken' (which the woman thought was hilarious)

My son's dad has continued to be awful to me. I'm really, really struggling with how he's being right now. It's very difficult. I've refused to respond as much as I can, but he is sure trying to goad me into an angry response.

He's already threatened to send my son's Birthday present (the one present he got him) back, because he's angry with me.

We've had some happy times, some laughs in amongst all the upset.

But the general feeling for the holidays is sadness & I feel like I'm drowning

Oh Struggles, I had a feeling things would ramp up coming back towards the start of school. DS is also heightened here.

That must be very hard. Also hard to not take it personally when he says such negative things, but it is a reflection of how he is feeling and that he trusts you enough to display his feelings. Does not make it any easier being on the receiving end though, you must be exhausted.

I hope you have been screenshotting all the communication with your ex. It might be better to restrict communication to written only as much as possible by text or email if he is continuing to be abusive as it allows you to record the interactions. Him threatening to use your son's birthday present as a means to get back at you is really not ok. Is he doing it to make your son's behaviour worse to force the result he wants?

Hopefully the counsellor will be able to have an appointment with you once the kids are in school again.

Thank you Choconuttolata, I hope that your son is ok.

It's all very, very difficult. The day with his friends was the worst, the logistics & the organising with the parents I struggle with, & I ended up taking them all (5) with us on the bus & then having to drop them all home later. The day started at 9 & ended at 5 (we weren't with his friends all that time) & then on getting home my son seemingly only has negative thoughts about it all & the meltdown went on until 10pm

I have some photos of that day, where he looks so happy, but it now feels like they weren't real.

And it's not about the money, but I have spent a lot of money, & all for nothing.

I feel completely lost & like I've messed everything up but, with regards to his Birthday, it was his dad going on & on about it but his dad never gets this aggression ike I do. Feels like it's all 'saved' for me.

Most of mine & his dad's communication is through text but it doesn't make a difference, there's nobody who cares about how he is with me.

I spoke to women's aid & they didn't really have anything else that they can help with.

He said about sending the present back like... 'So you are mad with me, so I'll send this present back & you can sort it all again then, or not, & when it all goes wrong, which it will, then don't look at me to help you get another one'

So he wants me to fail & mess up things for my son, but he really doesn't need to worry about that as I already feel like a failure anyway.

I know that the counsellor is probably busy but when I didn't hear from him Friday (or since, as we've emailed on the weekends/In the evening before) then I keep thinking that he's given up on us too.

Sounds like he was overwhelmed by the events of his birthday, it sounds like although it was fun it was a big day in terms of social demand on him.

The negative focusing is something DS does too, he had a total melt down after having a lovely time swimming and at the playground with me and his sister. He was saying it was all awful and he had a terrible time when he got home and saw his Dad. When we were there he was smiling and happy. He was tired, hungry and overstimulated. He is like that when we pick him up from school too. It is hard to catch it sometimes before they get into that state as like you have found they will hold it in until they get home to a safe place.

It is not personal to you and you are not a failure, he just struggles with these things due to his ND and that is not anyone's fault.

My son can only manage close family at home on his birthday with his favourite food, a cake and some balloons, maybe pass the parcel with his siblings absolutely no singing as that triggers a meltdown. He has never had a party or gone anywhere on his birthday. I used to try to take him to other people's birthday parties, but he never coped. I just have to accept this is what he can handle and he is happy with it so it is ok.

Aah, Choconuttolata Sounds like you have it all worked out with your son. I hope the rest of your evening is ok.

My son had actual Birthday parties the last 2 years & he managed those, so I thought that this would be ok.

There was a lot of changes with seeing his dad etc, as well this holiday, but I can't talk to his dad about that as he just says 'Fine, I won't see them then'.

And his dad constantly going on about his Birthday really hasn't helped, but again, I can't say anything to him about it.

I have made it clear in my emails to the Social worker though, not that she ever responds.

My son also manages other people's parties but it's making sure that he isn't overwhelmed & if he's had enough then he can stop. Or come & sit with me. I'm pretty much the only parent who 'Stays' at parties now.

The negativity is a huge feature. Sometimes he can joke about it & calls himself 'Mr Negative', or he will come out of school & say 'We had a quiz today & I got the top score but...' & then he will laugh & I'll say 'Go on then, what's the negative part?' & he laughs, but obviously that's only on certain days. It's constantly watching him for reactions.

Tonight's meltdown has just stopped. He's adamant that he's moving into his dad's when he gets his house. He's angry that it's taking so long. And that's somehow my fault.

Birthdays were a huge trigger point for my d. At her birthday in y6 I tried to keep it low key with a few friends and the local ice cream parlour. We got home to sing happy birthdays and after coping all the way through it, she smashed her cake with her fists at the last moment. She never coped well with birthdays - it was the surprise of the presents. She was ok with Christmas though.

my relationship with d is different to my other children. She doesn’t like me and this weekend has been sad. She likes everyone else in the family but not me. I suspect that as part of the pathological demand avoidance, or as it is sometimes called, persistent drive for autonomy, that I am the main caregiver and so the one that ‘controls’ her (I mean, I have so few rules for her to follow, she is generally kind to others). I have to take comfort I. The fact that she manages at school (before covid she was a school refuser), has friends, does well academically. I think she will manage to work, I impose very few rules. I help her with a medical issue that causes scarring that she is finding uncontrollable. She is no longer violent.

I am fortunate DH sees this though, he doesn’t understand why I get upset about it !

I think you are the safe person still for your son. He ‘behaves’ for your ex like he does a teacher. Masking. I hope that when ds looks back, he is like dd and doesn’t remember the hard stuff (we kinda laugh about the cake), school refusal she looked on as the time she melted down before school every day.

I am glad you can still have nice times with him.

your ex is a cunt. My father was like this, it decimated my mother. He was very violent though. I know this is hard, but I am sure you are the most consistent point for your son at the moment, even if it feels like everything is going wrong. Look at your ex gas lighting the kids so much they don’t even know where they will be living and enjoying the power over you.

Thank you imip.

Today has been hell. I've only just got them both to school. I've just cried my eyes out all the way home & now I just don't want to be here anymore.

The Senco & behavioural lead were there but didn't even say hello to me. Or ask me what had happened (I had emailed to say that we would be late due to my son, but hadn't had a response)

Even the office receptionist said 'The Senco is now coming'. Expecting her to talk to me.

So I just turned around & walked out again. I may as well be invisible. Apart from when I'm being a punching bag for my son.

They will only be a big part of your life for the next term. I know dd will still be in the school but you will have mich leas to do with them. They know this too, otherwise they probably would have come to you. (xxx)