Trauma or Autism or neither.

[StrugglesSadness]

Firstly, I apologize for the length.

My son first started displaying worrying behaviour when he was 1.5. Flying into a rage & not being able to calm down for hours & hours. By 3, I asked for help, I did parenting courses & learned he suffers from anxiety.

Sister born.

Age 4 me & his dad split up. He was was still around a lot, we still had family days out. My son witnessed some shouting between us. It wasn't all harmonious.

By the age of 6 the behaviour had turned violent towards myself. I'm walking on eggshells. Anything sets him off. A Caff was opened. Anxiety was noted. Advice like 'Just walk away' leading me to wander around the house carrying my 2 year old, for hours. Exhausting myself & being attacked constantly from behind.

Covid. Home schooling, if my son can see the work there on the laptop, then he has to get it done. He won't have a break or rest if he can see work there.

Age 8 2nd Caff opened. This Support worker put all of the blame on myself & I agree. Support worker tells me not to cry in front of my son as it 'Makes him think that I am weak'. I am weak.

Behaviour is now absolutely horrendous. Leaving the home, extreme violence. Talks about wanting to kill himself. Gets hold of knives & uses anything he can as weapons. My heart is breaking for my son. Violence extends to his sister.

This lovely school worker mentions Autism & PDA. (She has left now. Beyond gutted) Maybe I can finally make things better for my son... Support worker is having none of it. Constantly tells me that meltdowns are happening because my son is 'Tired/hungry/bored/it's normal' Etc. Etc.

I complain to her manager & ask for the Caff to be closed if that's all the help she's going to be. Caff has been opened for a year & a half, we get a new support worker & keep it open.

New worker is on board with the 'Possible autism'. Tells me it's not my fault.
School is a bit... 'There's a few things going on but nothing of much concern, however, we are concerned re his behaviour at home. (Also, sister is crying in class & tells them that he hurts her)

so (almost done!) Here we are now. We are having family therapy sessions & the therapist has decided that my son is suffering from trauma due to his dad leaving, & that it's nothing like autism. He's dropped this bombshell on me.

I'm not sure where to go from here. When I google, there's clearly overlaps between autism/Trauma. How do I know which one it is? (If it's any) what do I do?

Obviously the thought of my son walking around traumatised is just horrendous. How can I help him? Surely if it's trauma then he needs counselling or something?

I know that nobody on here can actually tell me, I just feel so lost.

Thank you imip. Re your previous post, I'm sorry you had such a difficult weekend, It sounds really hard for you, & your daughter.

Birthdays. We've never had one like this. The 'trigger' on the day was something to do with his friends, as we've had other meltdowns this holidays but not like this one, & not after we met up with family/went out ourselves for his Birthday (which was just 'What would you like to do if you could choose?') I don't think it was presents, as he was handed cards by 2, cash by 1, & the Fifth (the one we meet up with as a family, generally sometimes) gave him a present when we dropped him off, & he loved it. The perfect gift.

Today. School.
I just don't understand why they don't even care what happened this morning, he's hurt myself & my daughter numerous times (& I had to email details about my daughter, as nobody said a word to me) because it was happening on the walk to school, all the way to school, once I finally got them out of the house. He was hiding behind cars & leaping out to attack us/flinging his school bag at us/shoving us from behind.

Have they just accepted that we will be late now? Without asking how they can maybe make the mornings easier or something? Where is the caring about my daughter in this?

I don't know if I did the right thing, making him go. I feel like, ultimately, if I'd let him stay home then he would torment himself so much, knowing that he 'should' be in school, & that he's 'missing' this days work, & that wouldn't help him.

But I don't know.

I had a reply from the Social worker (random) It says 'You did the right thing getting him to school. The first day back is difficult'.

That's it.

The first day back isn't difficult (normally) for my daughter. She loves going back. As did I as a kid. I remember. I loved going back.

I imagine that it's more difficult for children who are ND, but we aren't being able to find out if that is my son.

I heard from the counsellor just now. Apologized about Friday. Said that he has only one spot free this week. I told him to give it to somebody more deserving, as I don't want to talk to anybody & I don't matter.

Me talking isn't helping my son, stopping my son being violent towards me, or stopping his dad from being awful to me.

His behaviour on the way to school is a symptom of his anxiety around going to school. It must be very hard to feel so unsupported. Although I wouldn't expect swift email replies, my kids schools take days to pick up and respond to emails. Have you thought about what support you would like from them in the mornings? You could spell it out to them in an email and see what response you get.

E.g

Mornings are a trigger point for difficult behaviour with my son, he does XYZ on the way to school. As a result we are late to school. I would like the school to support me by:

Suggestions

1. meeting me/my son at the gate to ensure he arrives at school if he runs ahead and help him transition into class.

2. providing emotional support to my daughter because he is often violent to her on the way to school for example jumping out on us and hitting us.

Also social care I would copy them into the email.

If he does sometimes run ahead to school would it be an option to offer him the option now that he is getting closer to going to secondary school and growing up to leave earlier and walk to school on his own to be met by staff at the gate so that he is not walking with you and your DD. I know this might not work out because he may be too anxious to go without you or you may be unable to get him to leave the house without you, but just a thought.

I have in no way got it all worked out Struggles honestly, this morning my son called me a Karen to his Dad because I woke him up. Allegedly I shouted at him, but what actually happened was I woke him gently half an hour before he had to get up and gave him a half an hour lie in which is his normal school waking routine. Then I made him sit down to eat breakfast. He was just tired and knew he had to go to school. The first week back is always hard and he was off sick before the end of term for weeks so adjusting is going to take longer.

Thank you Choconuttolata. Sounds like you all had a rough morning.

They are pretty good at answering the emails tbh, or they used to be, I usually get one later on during the day saying something like 'Wellbeing checks done, both children are ok'

But yesterday I didn't get anything.
I'm not bothered about that. I just don't understand why nobody asked what had happened, when I was standing in front of them. We were nearly an hour late & that's never happened before (half an hour was the violence & him refusing to leave, & the rest of it was the walk to school)

the way they blanked me made it look like we are late like that all the time, & we aren't.

it doesn't matter though. I don't know what I want school to do. Nothing. Just carry on as we are.

He already goes off with his friends if he sees them on the way, probably only 60% of the time though, the other 40% I'll say 'Do you want to go ahead with your friends?' & he will say 'No, I want to stay with you'. Also, one of his friends often catches up with us, & I'll say to him 'You can go ahead' & he (they) stay walking with us.

I havn't heard from Barnardo's re the advocacy form. They said they'd call yesterday.

I feel utterly defeated after yesterday. It's all so hard when he's being so violent.

Today was ok though.

Their dad has been told that Family solutions are trying to get him some more support. Not me, just him. (He read the email out to me)

You are the parent who is main carer, you need to be clear to them that you do not want to hand care over to Dad anymore, you might be willing to consider him having them more hours if there was a written agreement. I think because you told them that you wanted their Dad to have them they are still working as if that is going to happen.

I would also get some legal advice from a legal family support service that also has awareness of SEND and social care as I fear they are going to try to force a move to their Dad's care because it would be easier for them then they can wash their hands of your case altogether rather than accept their responsibilities to complete the ND referral.

https://contact.org.uk/

https://dls.org.uk/free-advice/

Choconuttolata I told them that I am staying as the main carer, but they never responded (as they don't respond to 99% of my emails)

I emailed the Social worker earlier & asked if I am going to get any extra support, as well as their dad, & I added on there (for the second time) that I am staying as the main carer.

Glad you have spelled it out in writing to them.

Also because of your ex's ongoing abusive behaviour towards you that you do not have to have meetings with them and him at the same time if there are any further meetings. This is something that you are entitled to request. I know you have been saving a record of his communications to back this up if need be. Be prepared he may still push for care to be transferred to him and get nastier the more you resist.

Is there a financial incentive for him to have them more? Does he pay maintenance that would reduce if he did?

Choconuttolata He pays £80 a month so he would stop paying that. It's not about the money for him, it's about control. I've spoken to the counsellor about this previously, whereas I let him have the kids whenever he wants, within reason, there's not a chance in hell that he will let me have the same access.

Way back, the social worker said that we could have separate meetings & I said that it was ok (because it was then, & it wasn't him and them versus me, which is how it is now)

I expect that she would push-back against that now, as it's more work for her.

I put in my final remarks for Family Solutions that I suggested that their dad have full care because I have no support & nobody is listening to me or helping my son (no reply) but I also said to her that since then, I've realised this isn't the right way to go.

There is another meeting scheduled in June but if I havn't sorted an advocate or something then I'm not going.

He is very angry about me saying that care will stay with me, but he hasn't sorted his new house yet, I imagine once that's sorted, he will ramp it up again, especially whilst the Social worker keeps making out that he is the better option because he has his wife & I'm by myself.

Sometimes, writing it all out, it doesn't feel like this is my life. It's just a nightmare. Underneath all this, my son is still struggling, & there's still nobody helping us.

I've requested a phonecall with the Senco. I'm going to ask for a plan for the High school transition days, & also ask the outcome of the MARF referral, because we actually have less support now, than we had when the referral was put through.

The Social worker said that I email her too much so I can't possibly expect her to respond.

I emailed her on the 3rd, 10th, 12th, 15th & then 18th.
Over the school holidays, she is the only professional who I have to speak to & I thought that I needed to let her know about meltdowns (3 of the 5 were about meltdowns, not requiring a response)

She then said that she can't comment about Family solutions & me having further support, but that she wants to do a parenting capacity assessment with both of us.

This is why you need to get advocacy and legal advice in place now because this assessment can be used in court if they decide that their Dad should become main carer and try to force things in that direction.

It is also good thing you have recent evidence of your ex's abusive behaviour towards you.

Please phone and get some legal advice around dealing with social care. Forewarned is forearmed.

https://childlawadvice.org.uk/

These are some documents easily available online that explain what a parenting capacity assessment entails.

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=www.theministryofparenting.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/factsheet-assessing-parenting-capacity8.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwiSgr23jsyFAxU5YEEAHTRaDvYQFnoECBMQBg&usg=AOvVaw0S-JK5C6iRyjt4PcktCD80

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=www.proceduresonline.com/trixcms2/media/12564/guidance-on-undertaking-a-parenting-capacity-assessment.docx&ved=2ahUKEwiSgr23jsyFAxU5YEEAHTRaDvYQFnoECCcQAQ&usg=AOvVaw2CxwC0FGQGduDtnfdhq8Gq

Also please consider posting a summary on the relationships board here detailing an outline of everything that has been happening as their are many on there that have personal experience around domestic abuse, social care and family courts that may be able to offer advice and suggest further avenues of support that I am not aware of.

Choconuttolata So it's a bad thing? I should be worried about it?

I tried IPSEA again but they still haven't got any appointments, I tried the live chat on Family Lives but they just told me to ask the Social worker.

I spoke to the SENCO, they havn't got the plan for high school transition yet but my son will be having additional nurture sessions. She didn't have anything to say about the MARF referral.

I had a text from Family Solutions saying that their dad isn't getting any extra support unless we decide that he will be the main carer & then he will need some help with resilience.

The Social worker asked me why I've changed my mind re care & I didn't answer her. She listed everything that we've had so far (CAF etc) so I asked if she will be putting the NDD form through & she said yes...

@StrugglesSadness I'd definitely recommend getting some advocacy and legal advice/representation if people are talking about parenting capacity assessments. Those assessments can be used in court, so you need to know what you're agreeing to and the potential ramifications prior to any assessments taking place.

I'm really concerned that the very agencies that you should be able to rely on for support are instead facilitating further abuse and traumatisation.

Scirocco Nobody will talk to me, I can't fill out the advocacy form & Barnardo's havn't got back to me to do it over the phone, I asked Family Lives if they can help me with an advocate but they just told me to ask the Social worker.

Are they saying about those assessments because I'm a bad parent?

Who should I be talking to who will actually help?

@StrugglesSadness The Child Law Advice website @Choconuttolata posted earlier is probably a good place to start, and you could ask in the relationships and legal advice boards here for recommendations.

You definitely don't sound like a bad parent to me - far from it.

Parenting capacity assessments can be used in legal proceedings, as evidence of a person's ability and suitability to care for their children. You're already struggling with an abusive 'co-parent' and unsupportive involvement from social work - it doesn't seem like anyone is specifically 'on your side' in this. Given that any assessment of parenting capacity could have legal weight, rather than being purely supportive in nature, you need independent legal advice before consenting to this - find out your rights and get someone on board to help you protect yourself. That's especially important if agencies aren't being upfront about what the potential ramifications of such an assessment could be.

Thank you Scirocco.

I'm not getting anywhere at all.

My local Women's aid said they've never heard of a parenting capacity assessment & I'll have to speak to the Social worker. I tried to tell her that I can't really speak to the Social worker but she said that's all they can suggest.

I spoke to general Women's aid & they told me to ring Family rights group. They told me that they can't help me with an advocate & I need to speak to the Social worker.

I spoke to Child Law Advice, listed above, & they said that they can't help with an advocate & they can't help with anything if I don't have 'Evidence' of my ex's abuse. They said that this needs to be from the GP etc & not just texts.

I did email the Social worker back yesterday with some questions, as she ended her email with 'Any questions then please let me know'. But, of course, my email has gone unanswered.

https://frg.org.uk/

@StrugglesSadness I don't know if this organisation might be worth a call? They were near the top of an online search I just did for advice about parenting capacity assessments but I don't actually know much more than that about them.

Scirocco I spoke to them today. Lovely lady but she just said that I need to speak to the Social worker about my ex & didn't really answer about the Parenting capacity assessment.

I'm sorry.

It's ok Scirocco I appreciate the support. I've got another one to try later (I have multiple threads now, you are all going to get sick of me!)

Absolutely horrendous evening. 5 hours or meltdown. He finally fell asleep (in the middle of the bedroom floor naked with a blanket over his head) so I got him in to bed (& got called a 'Demented, fat fucking bitch' at the same time, when he briefly woke up)

Everything hurts & I'm wide awake, worried about how he's going to be tomorrow morning.

I have my Second appointment at the mental health cafe tomorrow. I'm going alone, I just needed my mum (or somebody) to come with me the first time otherwise I'd have been too anxious to go in on my own.

Sounds tough Struggles was it Sunday night pre school anxiety do you think?

Hope things were easier today and you managed to get to the mental health cafe as planned.

Yes Choconuttolata He was upset about school today. Carried on this morning, begging not to have to go... But he was able to calm himself & I let him walk to school on his own.

The mental health cafe was ok.
They can't do much, gave me some more ideas of people to Google & said that I need an answer as to what this assessment is for, but I told her I don't know how to find out if the Social worker doesn't answer my email.

She said that I should request a new social worker & wanted me to phone her whilst I was in there but I said that I can't, I'll just get upset & won't be able to say what I need to say.

Because I'm having 1-1 support, she said that I can do as many as I need & we can leave it there if I'd like. She circled everything that she had written down (ND assessment, advocate, feeling ignored etc) & said that all of this is contributing to me struggling with my mental health, & that I need to remember that I've managed the children with very little support so far, & that I can still manage now.

I said that we can try another session & I told the counsellor that we can try a session this week also. He had nothing for when I was free but he's moved things around for me.

Well that sounds positive because you now have two people in your corner, the mental health cafe person and the counsellor.

I agree I think you should complain and request a new social worker. You can do it in writing if you don't feel able to do it by phone.