Trauma or Autism or neither.

[StrugglesSadness]

Firstly, I apologize for the length.

My son first started displaying worrying behaviour when he was 1.5. Flying into a rage & not being able to calm down for hours & hours. By 3, I asked for help, I did parenting courses & learned he suffers from anxiety.

Sister born.

Age 4 me & his dad split up. He was was still around a lot, we still had family days out. My son witnessed some shouting between us. It wasn't all harmonious.

By the age of 6 the behaviour had turned violent towards myself. I'm walking on eggshells. Anything sets him off. A Caff was opened. Anxiety was noted. Advice like 'Just walk away' leading me to wander around the house carrying my 2 year old, for hours. Exhausting myself & being attacked constantly from behind.

Covid. Home schooling, if my son can see the work there on the laptop, then he has to get it done. He won't have a break or rest if he can see work there.

Age 8 2nd Caff opened. This Support worker put all of the blame on myself & I agree. Support worker tells me not to cry in front of my son as it 'Makes him think that I am weak'. I am weak.

Behaviour is now absolutely horrendous. Leaving the home, extreme violence. Talks about wanting to kill himself. Gets hold of knives & uses anything he can as weapons. My heart is breaking for my son. Violence extends to his sister.

This lovely school worker mentions Autism & PDA. (She has left now. Beyond gutted) Maybe I can finally make things better for my son... Support worker is having none of it. Constantly tells me that meltdowns are happening because my son is 'Tired/hungry/bored/it's normal' Etc. Etc.

I complain to her manager & ask for the Caff to be closed if that's all the help she's going to be. Caff has been opened for a year & a half, we get a new support worker & keep it open.

New worker is on board with the 'Possible autism'. Tells me it's not my fault.
School is a bit... 'There's a few things going on but nothing of much concern, however, we are concerned re his behaviour at home. (Also, sister is crying in class & tells them that he hurts her)

so (almost done!) Here we are now. We are having family therapy sessions & the therapist has decided that my son is suffering from trauma due to his dad leaving, & that it's nothing like autism. He's dropped this bombshell on me.

I'm not sure where to go from here. When I google, there's clearly overlaps between autism/Trauma. How do I know which one it is? (If it's any) what do I do?

Obviously the thought of my son walking around traumatised is just horrendous. How can I help him? Surely if it's trauma then he needs counselling or something?

I know that nobody on here can actually tell me, I just feel so lost.

Choconuttolata Yes that's 2, just a shame that they can't come to the meetings with me! The counsellor was asking in a non-pushy way, what he could do to help & I just wanted to say 'Come & help me with this in person'.

We had another bad night. Really bad. My poor son.

I have a reply from the Social worker regarding last night's meltdown, asking if he's anxious about anything & asking again why I put him in his room.

I'd already listed what he was upset about. But listed it again, as well as explaining again how it's better for him to be contained (ish-he can obviously hurt me) in his room & then his sister gets the freedom to do as she wishes (yesterday she was playing in the garden until late, with her music on the tablet)

& I also listed everything that he did in the home, that is extremely dangerous, during the time when he wasn't in his room.

I've asked her if she can reply to me email asking about the plan.

I spoke to the behavioural lead at school but she didn't even bother to write it down. I told her that the problems that we are having, the extreme violence & smashing up the home, isn't going to be solved by SS keep telling me to do parenting courses. She said 'And you have even less support right now as well, as you've lost Family Solutions?'

Yes because that makes perfect sense doesn't it.

Well done for being factual and assertive. I do not understand what the objection to him being in his room is about. Sometimes children especially those with Autism need to have lower stimulation to calm down so having free reign to run around and grab dangerous items and hurt other members of the family is not sensible at all. It just heightens the behaviour. At least in his room there is less input to feed the meltdown. She sounds completely clueless.

Have you contacted anyone from parents and carers together, they have local meetings too. They may be able to help with ideas about how to frame a request for a new social worker and just a listening ear that understands through personal experience.

https://www.parentsandcarerstogether.co.uk/pact-suffolk-meetings

Choconuttolata I've looked on there before but not recently. Thank you.

I've had that exact conversation with the Social worker before, about how it's better for him to be in his room as everything is just 'less' in there.

At the end of the day, the way he calms himself is a book & a blanket & yes, he generally has a book laying around somewhere downstairs, & there's a blanket on the back of the sofa but it isn't the same as him being able to soothe himself in his own room with his own blanket & teddies. There's too much going on downstairs.

But she just keeps saying the same thing as if our previous conversations never happened.

And she actually said that I need to consider my daughter's safety... He never went near her for the whole of last night OR Sunday night or yesterday mornings meltdowns. (Me, I'm battered & bruised, bite marks, bruise on my cheek & a cut lip where he punched me in the mouth) so I think that I actually did pretty well to protect my daughter.

I doubt a lot of things to do with my parenting but this thing about putting him in his room I do not doubt.

@StrugglesSadness sometimes a low stimulus safe and contained space is the best option- I'm disappointed that SW don't seem to appreciate that. Rather than criticising you for keeping everyone else safe with the limited resources available to you, their energy might be better spent helping you. I'm sorry you're going through this and people aren't helping.

Erm you did consider your daughter's safety by minimising his interaction with her and her exposure to him when in meltdown. You managed to do that on your own without support, if you followed her advice she would have been in the firing line.

Honestly this is why you need to complain and put this as an example of how she doesn't seem to understand ND and how approaches need to be tailored to the environment and resources available to the parent at the time. It is not like she has offered extra adult support at the times when he is likely to be heightened so I don't know what she wants you to do.

I suspect she would just like you to acquiesce and give care to their Dad because that would mean a complex case off her books. This is why you should not agree to this, they do not want to spend money on the support and services your son is entitled to.

What is their plan for when he is a bigger teenager and they have left this situation to the point that even his Dad can't magically manage it? He will still behave like this with his Dad, he has before, the more he is around him the more it will happen. They have a chance now to help you and your son before it gets to that stage. Not doing this could impact the rest of his life, his relationships, employment opportunities, reduce the chance he will become completely disaffected in education and possibly involved with the criminal justice system due to other behaviours. It is so important.

This is why you need to complain now, I know it is hard, but think how much power you will take back and how much stronger you will feel in yourself by standing up and saying "no, this is not the way you should be treating me or my son, it is not ok, you are failing us".

Thank you Scirocco. That's exactly it isn't it. I've always said that I'd like her to answer with 'I'm sorry that this happened' or similar. Doesn't help in a practical way, but helps in that I feel acknowledged, & that I exist.

When it's 'I'm sorry that this happened BUT...' & then a while load of negatives about my parenting thrown at me, then that's not going to help.

Choconuttolata She makes me question everything. Like, I know that I kept my daughter safe, but did I do it the wrong way then? (& I feel like I get enough of that having to explain everything & criticism from their dad) I know that I need to complain.

I tried to see the GP today/tomorrow to get my bruises/injuries recorded but they are going to phone me next week instead.

Can you photograph them yourself and send them to the GP on their online form or email them, your photographs will have date/time stamp and so will their system log.

Oh yes Choconuttolata I didn't think about the time stamp, thank you. I sent them when I asked for the appointment. Not my mouth though as it doesn't really show up on pic. It's really sore though

Ok, I've done it. I'm really nervous. I went through the live chat & the Social workers manager is going to call me... Final straw was I still haven't had a response to my questions about the Parenting assessment (but she can easily answer my meltdown email yesterday & criticise my parenting some more)

Good for you, @StrugglesSadness - you deserve better than this.

Thank you Scirocco. I'm really worried that she's going to try to change my mind. I just need her to call now, whilst I have all this adrenaline!

I'm scribbling notes like crazy on my notebook but I'm going to try to stick to... 'I am not being listened to. I asked for this help myself & this Social worker is not helping'.

I find a 'broken record ' approach can help when dealing with people who are prone to deflecting away from your concerns. Write down your key points and keep going back to them, eg "I hear what you're saying, but the main point I need to discuss here is...".

Well done!

Can you go through your email history to the social worker to get a timeline of when and how many times you have made the same requests again.

List all outstanding requests e.g. ND referral, information about parenting assessment and reduction in support despite continuing behaviour from your son let them know that you have sent
emails when he has had a meltdown to make the SW aware of the frequency of his meltdowns and the severity. State that you have done all that is required from you under the plan.

I have done Choconuttolata. Thank you. & thank you Scirocco. I don't see how they can get around the 12 week wait for the NDD paperwork to be sent off (but I expect that they will somehow)

'He was nearly 11', isn't good enough. It says right there on the website that they could have been put in at age 10.5 & they would have been honoured. And anyway, he's 11 now. Why weren't they clicked through on the day of his Birthday?...

& the 'negatives' that were listed under my name on the plan, are now done.

There's nothing else on the plan to be done (apart from his dad's parenting courses but nobody is listing that as a negative)

I'm carrying my notebook around with me. Still trying to sort the bedroom from the meltdown on Monday evening. With a heavy heart, as I know that he's going to do it again the next time he's upset.

Extremely difficult session with the counsellor today.

I feel like I don't have a single person who cares about me in the entire world.

I thought the counsellor was generally supportive or seemed to be, was he not today?

Choconuttolata Yes he normally is. It's all just too difficult for me right now.

I am sorry you are feeling so low at the moment. I don't know you in person, but I want you to know that I care what happens to you. You are not alone, DM me if you need to x

Thank you Choconuttolata. I just didn't want so much of a 'therapy' session today, I just wanted somebody to listen & say some kind words.

@StrugglesSadness I know I'm just a random internet poster, but I do care. Feel free to DM me too.

Thank you Scirocco I appreciate the support. I feel so alone.

Feeling very tearful today. I've never been very good at the 'Put the hurtful feelings in a box & shut them away' kind of thing.

Luckily I have a quiet day (well I'm hoping to hear from SS & the ones who I emailed last Friday) & I still havn't got on top of all the tidying/trying to fix things as a result of Sunday/Mondays meltdowns.

I had an alert on my phone that it's been 12 weeks today since I asked the Social worker to put the assessment in. I just sighed at my phone, in response!

& I'm fighting the temptation to just go back to bed for a few hours. I had an awful night's 'sleep' (as I do, when I'm extremely stressed)

My son, however, is good. He's very anxious about today but he's been ok. He set himself up with a little activity at the table this morning & distracted himself from his worries. I'm so proud of him when he does that.

He's still walking to school on his own too. Meets up with a friend & they go together.

So the service that I was really hoping to hear from, they are attached to another service who I'm already registered with, have just got back to me & said that they can only be an advocate with a referral from the Social worker.

How can that be possible? I need an advocate because I can't talk to the Social worker, so I can't now ask her if she can let me have an advocate because I can't talk to her! I don't understand this

Hope you have managed to get some rest. That can't be right re: advocacy, maybe it is just that organisation that has that policy and there is another who can help?