Trauma or Autism or neither.

[StrugglesSadness]

Firstly, I apologize for the length.

My son first started displaying worrying behaviour when he was 1.5. Flying into a rage & not being able to calm down for hours & hours. By 3, I asked for help, I did parenting courses & learned he suffers from anxiety.

Sister born.

Age 4 me & his dad split up. He was was still around a lot, we still had family days out. My son witnessed some shouting between us. It wasn't all harmonious.

By the age of 6 the behaviour had turned violent towards myself. I'm walking on eggshells. Anything sets him off. A Caff was opened. Anxiety was noted. Advice like 'Just walk away' leading me to wander around the house carrying my 2 year old, for hours. Exhausting myself & being attacked constantly from behind.

Covid. Home schooling, if my son can see the work there on the laptop, then he has to get it done. He won't have a break or rest if he can see work there.

Age 8 2nd Caff opened. This Support worker put all of the blame on myself & I agree. Support worker tells me not to cry in front of my son as it 'Makes him think that I am weak'. I am weak.

Behaviour is now absolutely horrendous. Leaving the home, extreme violence. Talks about wanting to kill himself. Gets hold of knives & uses anything he can as weapons. My heart is breaking for my son. Violence extends to his sister.

This lovely school worker mentions Autism & PDA. (She has left now. Beyond gutted) Maybe I can finally make things better for my son... Support worker is having none of it. Constantly tells me that meltdowns are happening because my son is 'Tired/hungry/bored/it's normal' Etc. Etc.

I complain to her manager & ask for the Caff to be closed if that's all the help she's going to be. Caff has been opened for a year & a half, we get a new support worker & keep it open.

New worker is on board with the 'Possible autism'. Tells me it's not my fault.
School is a bit... 'There's a few things going on but nothing of much concern, however, we are concerned re his behaviour at home. (Also, sister is crying in class & tells them that he hurts her)

so (almost done!) Here we are now. We are having family therapy sessions & the therapist has decided that my son is suffering from trauma due to his dad leaving, & that it's nothing like autism. He's dropped this bombshell on me.

I'm not sure where to go from here. When I google, there's clearly overlaps between autism/Trauma. How do I know which one it is? (If it's any) what do I do?

Obviously the thought of my son walking around traumatised is just horrendous. How can I help him? Surely if it's trauma then he needs counselling or something?

I know that nobody on here can actually tell me, I just feel so lost.

Had about a cm of wine then fell asleep!

So frustrating that school always seem to interpret his behaviour at the beginning/end of day as being upset at coming home. I hope they will recognise at least that he was distressed about the way he was treated by the other children and be vigilant to any potential bullying. It is no wonder he has struggled with school if he was bullied too.

Sounds like he was able to regulate though and having nice time with you watching a film. I hope now it is the holiday he can have the chance to calm his nervous system a bit more with less demands on him and not going to school.

Choconuttolata Well that was much needed sleep wasn't it! I hope you are all ok today.

The children have been with their dad this afternoon & before that we had a really nice morning.

I told their dad about the incident at school with the other children yesterday & he saw it completely differently to me & instantly placed blame on my son. I told him that he's wrong & if his own teachers aren't blaming him (& the LSA actually said 'There is no blame on your son') & they were there, then how the hell can we blame him?

I've had my session with the counsellor, I told him about my feelings about not being here anymore & also about the daytime flashbacks & nightmares & he said that he can absolutely see that I'm suffering from trauma & he's worked with & is trained in working with trauma.

He said that he thinks that I feel like nobody else can 'see' what I can see, in the meetings. I said 'You've just described my whole life, in regards to my son'.

I told him how the Social worker shut me down when I tried to talk to her about the NDD forms & about the email that she sent before the meeting, that only detailed 'my' failures. He said he feels very angry on my behalf, & that he can see why I felt unsupported in there, from all angles.

I said 'I am not going to another one of those meetings. I am done with those'. & he said that he can absolutely understand why.

I had to do the meeting in nearly darkness as I've got another migraine.

How do you feel hearing the counsellor say that to you? I know it doesn't change anything, but it sounds like he does see what you see and is supportive.

I worry about this attitude from your ex. If he is constantly critical and thinking the worst of your DS it will have a big impact on your son's self esteem. He sounds like he expects him to just toughen up and not have feelings, this expectation of boys/men has led to many unhappy boys and men over the years who feel they can't reach out for support and talk about their feelings.

Hope you are feeling a bit better after your migraine x

Thank you Choconuttolata. We had a rough morning. Homework has been ripped into a thousand pieces & screwed up, & he doesn't want to go to his holiday club (that he begged & pleaded to go to) I've been kicked & punched & very narrowly dodged getting my hand slammed in the door.

He is ok for now. We've had (very late) lunch & they are in the garden.

I was surprised by his dad's reaction the other day tbh, I didn't even get a chance to tell him how upset my son had been.

I'm not really sure where we go from here. I don't feel like I'm good enough to look after them but I don't think that their dad is going to step up either. So that only leaves me.

I think maybe a meeting with the Social worker & her manager & try to clear the air?
I don't know, but anything like that, I'm not doing alone. It feels like all I'm trying to do lately is find somebody who will sit with me at these various meetings. Seems like an easy request, but not easy in practice.

It's a lonely place to be. I'm trying to tell myself that I'm good enough but I can't even find somebody willing to fight my corner with me.

I asked my mum to go to the mental health cafe with me in the holidays, so at least that's one thing off my 'fault' list.

It was a good counselling session last time. I couldn't speak at first but I think my walls go up & I'm so wary of somebody else finding fault, that I shut down.

I was also expecting him to tell me that the right thing to do is to continue to attend the school meetings, so it was nice when he didn't do that... And I told him that I'm aware that I was devastated when their dad wasn't going to come to the last meeting, but actually, it may have been better for me after-all, if he hadn't come!

I've been reading on Family Rights Group about an advocate for me in the meetings. It mentions being Mentally vulnerable which I suppose maybe I am? But that's not something that I want highlighted to the Social worker is it, they have enough negativity towards me already.

I've had my copy of the plan from the last meeting, & it still lists me not going to this Wellbeing cafe as a major failing (When I go, they'd better be amazing. I'd better come out of there feeling like flipping wonder woman)

It also says that their dad reports that the violence & destructive behaviour has lessened in the last few weeks.

So I havn't just had locks & sockets fixed & my son didn't try to attack myself, his sister AND his dad with a knife a few weeks back?

My son had another meltdown yesterday. It's definitely been a rough few days & a hard start to the holidays, but today at his club went well.

One of the best things that can happen is, you turn up & there's a boy outside who shouts 'Hi Struggles son' & they run to each other & start chatting
& the second good thing was when we went to pick him up, he was playing with the other kids in the playground

Your son may initially seems like he improves with your ex because he is masking. But this can happen for only so long. I get the sense that he (and def the new partner) will not want this full time parent lark - they wouldn’t even turn up to meetings regularly, ffs!

I think an advocate is a good idea. I would say perhaps more emotionally vulnerable? When are they supposed to be going to exs? I am wondering if an arrangement where you had each child individually had been considered - would also be respite for your children? I am not so knowledgeable in these areas though.

Thank you imip. Emotionally vulnerable in what way? Do you know who I can ask about an advocate? As I'm not really getting anywhere.

Yes, He is masking at dads but his dad said that in general the violence has been less (it absolutely hasn't)

Yes, we had the Caff open for almost 2 years & he didn't go to a single (6 weekly) meeting, or meet the support worker, but then he's only had Family solutions at his once since August too, & that seems to be fine with everybody.

The last time I dropped them round, his dad had a huge go at me because I hadn't taken my son any spare clothes 'In case he has an accident' & said 'Now I will have to go to the shop' which really isn't a hardship with a car, his wife there, & a Supermarket a Ten minute drive away (but he also told the Social worker that he doesn't have accidents at his anymore, only at mine) however, I walked home in the rain, then back, & dropped off 2 pairs of trousers & didn't get them back, so one overnight cost me 2 pairs of trousers.

So he's lying all the time to the Social worker but she laps it up & takes it all as gospel.

The plan states that he 'Now has them half the week' (how does that fit with the initial plan stating that he has them 50/50)
& anyway, at the very most, he had them for 10 nights out of 28, last month, with no school pick ups or drop offs.

He did do one night with one & then the other but I'm not sure if it was a one-off. He won't tell me what his plans are, for having the kids, next week (I've asked him 4 times) so I can't book anything/plan for the children.

The trouble I have here is that actually it looks like nothing has really changed, but on paper he is coming in like a saviour! And this is the kind of reason I think you’re quite vulnerable emotionally - it’s a bit gaslighting, isn’t it, because he hasn’t been involved. Really you have asked for one thing, an autism assessment to see if he is, as you suspect, neurodiverse and then you may be able to better support his needs by understanding them better. It’s not a big ask, many parents are doing it. You don’t want him to grow up as an angry man because this was missed (we missed autism in one of our children - well, I knew but I knew I would not get support in assessment - we almost lost her to suicide).

I don’t know any advocates near you and I am on a completely different side of the country. Could you perhaps contact national autism society or ambitious about autism to see if they have recommendations? Contact a family are also a good charity that do a lot on the social care side also.

would your Mum go with you?

Oh, keep the receipts of the trousers that you brought! Keep a diary also.

Thank you again for your kindness imip. And for sharing that about your daughter.

I see what you mean. I do feel like they are all gaslighting me but then am I just being paranoid but then it's plain to see isn't it, once it's on paper. It's very, very confusing to me.

The only thing that's changed is that on 'his' weekend, twice now, he didn't have them Wednesday, Friday, Saturday (back early Sunday & me doing all the school runs)
He had them Wednesday to Sunday (with me doing all the school runs in between & back early Sunday)

On the second week it's still just Wednesday evening, unless he's busy.

Tell his Dad that you can't afford to keep sending clothes and not getting them back so it would b e better if he gets some spare clothes for his house. Stop sending them with clothes. If he is going to have them more he needs to step up and take responsibility for organising these things.

Also keep a diary of dates and times he actually has them over a month including how many times he/you do school runs and then send it to the social worker.

Text him asking for clarity on when he is having the kids next week so that you can make plans. The text trail is also evidence.

By not challenging this 50:50 Wonder Dad act it means his story gets believed, call him out.

Choconuttolata I'm not sure what happened with the clothes, that's how it used to be when he first started having them for one night, I'd send a bag of clothes/nappies too, but he's bought them clothes since then & hasn't asked for ages.

The only thing I can think is that he's taken all of their clothes to his wife's home? Or he was just testing me to see if I'd still bring him more? (but that makes me sound paranoid again)

I will write his contact down for a month, that's a good idea thank you.

There are a few other parts that's aren't true on the plan but I don't know how to challenge it.

I've emailed the social worker & their dad & said 'Due to various reasons, I think that I should stay as the children's main carer' & added that their dad gets a say.

I sent that yesterday afternoon & havn't heard from either of them.

I don't feel strong enough, or that I'm doing a good enough job, to have the children with me but it just doesn't seem right handing over their care. I really don't know what to do for the best.

If you want to challenge anything on the plan you address it in writing as bullet points and request that it is removed from the plan or written about with the full information with a less negative focus.

E.g

Struggles has not attended the mental health cafe -

1. I am unable to get to the cafe because in order to get there I have to take two buses as I do not have a car. I first have to take the children to school before getting on the bus. The timing of the buses means that I would arrive after it finishes (attach timetables as evidence).

1. I complete all the school runs even on ex's contact days which also means that there are no mornings when I do not have the children. I have no other alternative childcare or anyone who can drive me. This is evidenced by the contact diary.

Thank you Choconuttolata. I did that earlier & also left a message with Barnardo's (I looked on the or website & the word 'Advocate' jumped out at me)

I've asked if they can also tell me what to do about the NDD referral, as it's all very well the Social worker saying that I have to start over (again) because he's soon to be 11, but she still hasn't actually done her part. I asked her 9 weeks ago.

His dad could at least pretend to give a shit about what's been happening for us, just a little.

'So, how have the holidays been so far?'
'Well we had meltdowns the first 2 days'...
(Butting in) 'Ok then, see you later' (door slam in my face)

I spoke to a lovely woman at Barnardo's, she remembered me from the first time, & has sent me the new 'Over 11' forms but I think they are exactly the same, I've just emailed her with a copy of 'my' forms asking if I have to do them again or are they the same.

She asked what's the delay with the Social worker doing her side & I said 'Well first she said she would do it 'Next week', then she said she'd been busy, then she said it's unlikely to go through anyway, & at the meeting last week she said she was waiting for you to confirm if we need to do the over 11 form or not, & this has all taken 9 weeks'.

She answered that with 'What a load of absolute nonsense. I'm so sorry. Who is your counsellor? (Name) Oh! He's brilliant, has he given you a statement to say that your son actually needs to be assessed? (Yes) well then that will hold a huge amount of weight on its own. Honestly, that's a really good thing to have'.

I asked if it will have less of an impact now the NDD referrals aren't going through Barnardo's anymore & she said 'Absolutely not. He's a really good counselor & he knows what he's talking about when it come to Neurodiversity'.

But she didn't have any ideas for how I can hurry the social worker along & said that I can't just submit my form & the therapists form with a 'Social worker form to follow'

She's sent me the advocacy form but I'm not sure what to write on there for my 'reasons' for needing an advocate.

Reasons for needing an advocate are:

Previous domestic abuse victim.

Disingenuous claims of parenting input from ex.

Minimising of extreme behaviour by ex to social care leading to social care downplaying seriousness of your claims leading to a lack of support for DS, DD and you (I know you can name specific dates/times as examples when he had to intervene e.g knife incident).

Social worker and family solutions focus on you and your input, but not having equal expectations of ex when he fails to meet targets set in previous plans.

No voice of the child in plans.

No recognition of possible NDD by social care and school (despite multiple examples of behaviour and counsellor recommendation) and it's impact on the expectations of your son by ex, social care, family solutions and teachers which exacerbates rather than helps the situation.

Gatekeeping access to NDD assessment as a result (social care not qualified to make assessment, give guidance I linked to previously as best practice).

Thank you Choconuttolata, I think that's just about everything isn't it.

Initially, they want to know if I have any vulnerabilities myself, as the reason for needing an advocate.

I said to Barnardo's 'Of the course the referral might be refused again or they might say there isn't any ND & that's fine, but what's not fine, is that we aren't even being allowed a chance to find out'.

Your vulnerability is that you were a victim of domestic abuse and you are having to attend meetings and co-parent with your abuser whilst he continues to undermine you. It is triggering for you and you struggle to be assertive in that environment due to lack of self esteem and confidence from years of living in an abusive relationship.

Thank you Choconuttolata. That's hard to read, but accurate.

Sorry didn't mean to upset you. You are capable of so much and everyday are assertive in multiple ways to fight for your children with and push for what they need. In the hostile environment of that meeting if it will get you advocacy support then it is best to be honest about the continuing impact of your ex's behaviour as it will get you access to more avenues of support.

And I think professionals ‘behave’ better with an advocate. Not always, but often. In my experience, this is mostly true of schools.

Thank you Choconuttolata. I wasn't upset, I think it's more... How can somebody who doesn't even know me apart from some words on a screen, understand exactly what is going on for me, but the Social worker & Family Solutions, who have met me & I've actually told them 'I can't speak properly when he is in the room with me', just can't see it.

I told the counsellor that I wanted somebody to notice that I stared at the table the whole time. Not deliberately, I just couldn't do it this time. I didn't look at the head teacher, Senco or Family solutions at all. I looked at the Social worker one time, (glared at her tbh) when she was talking nonsense about the 2nd NDD referral, & I was quickly shut down then. I wanted one of them to say 'That isn't normal for her'.

But it's plain to see on the plan. When Family Solutions told me that my view was valid, & I said 'No, it isn't'. It just says 'Declined to comment'.

And then there's the other side, that if people do realise how hard I'm finding all of this then will they say that the children are better off away from me?

imip It says on the Family Rights page that the Social worker can refuse an advocate to be in the room anyway, so I'm not sure if this will do any good.

I had a text from their dad last night saying that we need to talk about some things... Like I'd tried to speak to him earlier (when the kids were excitedly chatting to his wife, telling her about their day) & he shut the door in my face.

Me & my mum are going to the Wellbeing cafe today. I realised that the other thing missing from the 'He does half of the week' is that in the holidays, like yesterday, they are still with me until past 5, so I've never had weekday daytimes free, to go.

You could use an advocacy service to help you make a complaint about the NDD not being done and the unequal expectations of ex and their lack of acknowledgement of previous DA and how it impacts you in meetings. Also no voice of the child in plans, lack of visits etc...

In my experience people change their tune quite quickly when their is a complaint and things that haven't been done get done suddenly.

You can even request a new social worker due to breakdown in communication and lack of trust.

https://advocacyfocus.org.uk/services/nhs-and-social-care-complaints-advocacy/

Thank you Choconuttolata Yes, one of the services that you linked to before, said that it's best to request a meeting with the Social worker & their manager before making a complaint, but I'm absolutely not sitting in a room with them on my own.

There is a 'Childs voice' on this plan, it doesn't say much but it's there.

I'd forgotten this part but the Social worker said that my daughter was messing around at her meeting with my son & daughter, just before the school meeting, so she told her to stop or she would end the meeting, so 'We could try that'.

Like that isn't very basic parenting 'Stop or we wont'... & I hadn't thought of that. I muttered that 'Saying that or taking toys/losing a day out etc doesn't make a difference with her, same as it never did with my son, for all those years when I was told to do it'.

They said that they would 'Look into it'.

The counsellor says that this is clearly a sign of ND & if he'd of been able to speak to me years ago, about my son, then he'd have told me that, but the Social worker won't will she.

It says on the plan that Family Solutions are extended for 2 weeks but I still can't work out why?

The conversation with Family Solutions must go like this... So, What's going on with this family?

'Oh, I told the mum that the NDD referral would never go through & she was upset, she spoke to her counsellor about this & he phoned me.
Then she cancelled the next meeting as her child was sick, I spoke to her over video with the Social worker & upset her again, by us both criticising her parenting & saying that the kids dad has it right, & then I cancelled the next 2 visits & now I've not seen any of them for 7 weeks. Can I have a 2 week extension to ignore them some more?'