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Original poster

a friend just told me no way could say be a sahm, as its sad to be financially dependent on a man

178 replies

robinredbreast · 12/02/2008 12:54

yes you guessed it im a sahm

eveb if i workd fulltime i wouldnt have nogh mony on my own to pay for everything

she was saying to me about someone else we both know

but my feelings are we[society] are dependent on each other really

even if i did split up with dh, which im sure wont happen, id probably have to claim benefits or something

help me articlate what im trying to say, well if you know what im trying to say

basically that theres many ways we are dependent on others, and financally is just one of them

OP posts:
Original poster
robinredbreast · 12/02/2008 12:56

what i ment to say was if i ever split up with dh,[which was what friends point was about, what would you do if you split up]

even if i worked fulltime i wouldnt be able to pay for verything anyway, so even if i workd fulltime i still wouldnt be finacally independent

OP posts:
Elffriend · 12/02/2008 12:58

Given all of the recent threads - you are not SERIOUSLY trying to start another one are you?

I realise the boards are rather tame today but...

EffiePerine · 12/02/2008 12:59

if you're happy with your choice, don;t take the bait

That said, it's a good idea to look into your financial position if you're relying on one income - pensions, savings etc. It is a sad fact of life that many women end up in severe financial difficulties after divorce (of course, not saying that you would get divorced). It DOES put you in a vulnerbale position, if you;re happy with that fine but it makes sense to mitagate some fo the risks

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General parenting
policywonk · 12/02/2008 12:59

I understand what your friend is saying, but I can't live my life always thinking 'what if...' - or, at least, I'm not prepared to stop doing something that I think is best for me and my children (being a SAHM) on the off-chance that something might go wrong.

I think that SAHMs should be paid a salary by the government, personally - it's one of the most important jobs anyone can do, and it has huge implications for society, whether it is done well or badly.

suzywong · 12/02/2008 12:59

I used to be a tub-thumping feminist
then I got married and had kids and realise that most women in the world are financially dependent on men and that seems to make the world go round and that's NOT A BAD THING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

do stop being so morbid and be happy that your famly set up works for you

in other words tell her to bog off and mind her own

FioFio · 12/02/2008 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
robinredbreast · 12/02/2008 13:03

effie but even if i worked fulltime, i would still not be finacally independent.

i know what you mean about don't take the bait, but hard not to feel hurt when people around you critise sahms or at least you feel they are critasing you

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 12/02/2008 13:04

surely as a sahm/d you 'earn' a proportion of your OH's income by doing all the work (and then some) they'd have to pay for if they were on their own?

OrmIrian · 12/02/2008 13:05

I think you should ignore her and wonder why a friend could say something so uncharitable to you. And I agree with you that we are all interdependent on each other. However I will confess that I find the idea of getting all my money from anyone else (man or woman) a bit worrying. I've always earned it myself since I was an adult. Perhaps not so bad if it was DH - after all he's my DCs father - but if I were to start a new relationship I think I'd struggle to accept that.

EffiePerine · 12/02/2008 13:05

you will get a lot of these comments whatever you decide - you really have to ignore them for your peace of mind! It is a good idea to look into finances tho, like paying National Insurance and so on. There must be a MN expert on here somewhere...

Prufrock · 12/02/2008 13:06

I'm financially dependant on dh, but he's practically dependant on me. He appreciates that he couldn't earn what he does if he didn't have me at home to look after his kids and him and the money he earns is our money.

I do think it is easier to deal with the financial dependance as a SAHP if you also manage teh finances. Although my dh earns the money, I manage it, move it around and know how much we have

Original poster
robinredbreast · 12/02/2008 13:07

fiofio
your comments of
"when you are in a marriage it is actually OK to rely on one another whether it be emotionally, financially or whatever. It is that sharing that makes a marriage"

i think thats what i was trying to say back when i said your dependent on a lot more than just money, and everyone is dependent or others for something

i feel its a bit like say oh well better never get married incase it doesnt work out

better not run the risk of falling in love incase it doesnt work out

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 12/02/2008 13:08

I'd love to be financially dependent on a man.

I should've married for money.

meemar · 12/02/2008 13:09

This is one womans opinion that it is 'sad' to be financially dependent on a man. That opinion is based on nothing but her own point of view.

I agree with you about there being mutual dependence. Your DH is dependent on you to be the main carer for your child. That is the choice you made as a family.

Ignore her and be happy with your choice.

WallOfSilence · 12/02/2008 13:12

Ach ignore her. She probably wishes she could be financially dependent on a man... or even get a ride.

Anyway, I enjoy spending dh's money...with clean hands, not sullied be having to work

Original poster
robinredbreast · 12/02/2008 13:14

she was really saying about someone we both know, although i thought it was directed at her

but shes said it twice now, so maybe ....it was aimed at me i don't know

even when we both worked fulltime, our money was ours, whever i earned more than him or him more than me, which we now does by a large margin

i got a few grand last year, as the company i worked for got brought out and all the shareholders got paid off, and that was our money the same as any money i used to get for bonuses has always been our money

so we have always been very comfortable about sharing our money and that one of the things me and dh never argue about, so i must be working for us

just found her commnts quite hurtful tbh

OP posts:
FrannyandZooey · 12/02/2008 13:15

ok, is it sad for my dh to be dependent on ME for childcare? Because he is - he couldn't afford to go out to work and maintain his current lifestyle if he had to pay a nanny and housekeeper

hatrick · 12/02/2008 13:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

lucyellensmum · 12/02/2008 13:16

What i really want to say is this....................oh fuck it, i cant be bothered...........Popcorn anyone?

Your friend isn't called xenia by anychance ??

willdaisymummy · 12/02/2008 13:17

Does she have children herself?
As a single girl I was of the same opinion and had many a heated discussion about it. 2 children later my words have been well and truly eaten! I would happily stay at home with my babies for the rest of my life.

harpsichordcarrier · 12/02/2008 13:17

yes, I was going to say what Franny says.
if you are a SAHM, your partner is reliant on you for childcare and lots of other things too.
what is sad is when people view relationships and families in purely financial terms. all families are interdependent - that's the nature of them.
anyone who thinks it is "sad" probably has some issues of their own to work through tbh.

meemar · 12/02/2008 13:18

Also, it's not so much that you are financially dependent on him, just currently you are both financially dependent on his job. Does that make you both 'sad'?.

If you worked and he looked after the kids would that make him 'sad'?

She is just trying to make herself look better by putting down people in a different position to herself.

IMO that makes her sad

BroccoliSpears · 12/02/2008 13:19

I don't consider myself "financially dependant" on dp, and more than he considers himself "emotionally and practically dependant" on me.

Dp and I are a team, and between us we are responsible for providing for our family, financially, practically, emotionally.

WallOfSilence · 12/02/2008 13:19

Really daisy?

Ya see, I don't think I could.

Even now, though I am a sahm mainly, I still go out 2 days a week to finish my degree... and I don't really want to stay at home for the rest of my life.

Tutter · 12/02/2008 13:19

ooh spooky

i am mutating into franny

i was about to post "well, dh is dependent on me to care for his sons during the day, so i'm ok with being dependent on him to bring in the £££s"

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