a friend just told me no way could say be a sahm, as its sad to be financially dependent on a man

[robinredbreast]

yes you guessed it im a sahm

eveb if i workd fulltime i wouldnt have nogh mony on my own to pay for everything

she was saying to me about someone else we both know

but my feelings are we[society] are dependent on each other really

even if i did split up with dh, which im sure wont happen, id probably have to claim benefits or something

help me articlate what im trying to say, well if you know what im trying to say

basically that theres many ways we are dependent on others, and financally is just one of them

you got a whole biro [gasp], all to yourself?

oh these are

my dad was a RUBBISH husband of the highest order... but a pretty marvellous dad, so thats alright then. even my mum says she has no regrets whatsoever, given that.

mp, i am so shocked baout your parents, i have been rendered speechless.
that should be criminally illegal

I fell for it MP because my dad's tight-fistedness had always been hidden by my mum's generosity.

pmsl

yes, hes a v highly paid gigolo - whats wrong with that?? [righteous indignation]

i happen to have a lower street value on the game post babies, what with the jelly belly an all

Money is not everything!! It can make life easier but it can also make you miserable if you can't enjoy your children!! I am neither one or the other my dh works all week and i work 4hrs on sat and all day sunday..not because i want to but because we need to pay the bills and get the kids the little days out and stuff, that we otherwise wouldn't be able to! But i get to spend time with the children during the week and they get time with daddy a weekends!! I say if you are happy being a sahm or working..then sod what everyone else says or does!! Each to there own neither is right or wrong and if you, dh and kids happy, thats all that matters. And i certainly don't think that it's right for anyone to put a sahm down by saying that they are dependent on a man..isn't that a part of married life that you rely on each other!!!

My dad was a very loving dad, I can't complain at all about that. He is not a bad man.

On Zazette's point - this is the arrangement I have. DH works 4 days, I work 3, and DD has 2 days in formal childcare. but this is only practicable because DH and I earn broadly similar salaries (I just shade things on the breadwinner front ). Given that stats tell us that women continue to be paid less than men, it seems only practical that the bigger earner works.

God that sounds really sexist

my parents had been going to realte Fio and seemed to turn a corner (or so my mum thought, encouraged by my dad). In reality when it became apparent that she wasn't going to throw him out because of his awful behaviour, he took the easy option and did a runner. Literally. Just didnp;t come home from work one day and left a message on my sister (aka morning paper though she's desperate to deny it) answerphone

He never spoke to her (my mum) again. They had been together 40 years and had three children.

I'm with MP on this one for all sorts of reasons, but mainly because it would make me extremely anxious not to have cash of my own coming in. Did a big break-up with ex (no kids involved) and if it hadn't been for the kindness of friends, frankly, I don't know how I could have afforded to live. Quite determined never to find myself in that position again. I'm sure if we were to split, DP would be wonderful about providing for me and our son, but what if?

Also, much of the conversation thus far has been about what you'd do if your DP/H left you. What if you realised you wanted/needed to leave him? Aware this probably makes me a terrible pessimist/cynic, but I need to know that I'd be able to leave my relationship, if I had to - how do you say to someone "I'm leaving you - and I need you to pay for a new place for me to live"?

"Relate" obviously...

I own half our house. We have joint savings and investments. At the moment, my husband's is the only income coming in (to our joint account). It won't always be that way. I don't feel that my independence is at risk at all. As long as you're smart about it, I don't see why being a SAHM for a period means you have to become some sort of feeble little wifey, begging your husband for a few pence to get your hair done.

PS not saying there's anything wrong with depending on your DP/H mind you, or in them depending on you - just that for me it wouldn't work!

"personally, as a SAHM, there's no way I could be dependent on other people to 'raise' my children"

yes I think that is almost as rude a response as her comment .. and likely to raise as many hackles

god this argument is never-ending isn't it?

It is really, yes@Twiglett. I find it depressing that it usually ends up with women at each other's throats. Do people really judge each other in such a harsh way in RL? If so, that's incredibly sad and mean spirited.

It doesn't have to be a relationship-breakup. One partner might loose their job, suffer from long-term illness or God forbid die.....It's not something I think about a lot, that would be too depressing, but its definatly something I consider and is one very major reason why I work. I don't for a minute think that we would fall out of love either. That just happens to other people
I agree money is not everything, but to me it means a lot. I don't need expensive shoes, but I need financial security and I would love to pay for my children through university to give them an easier start to adult life than I personally had myself with my huge student debts.
And of course, I could never give up WAITROSE!

Who said that, Twiglett?

I did hunker

You share a sex life, a home, hopes and dreams, children...sharing these things are more important than sharing money

kicked off kicked off, you just knew this thread would kick off!!!!! LEM is feeling naughty

as a suggested riposte

If anyone knows of an reasonably attractive (two eyes, nose, a mouth and 4 limbs in roughly the right place would do it), wealthy man who would be OK to take on a middle-aged woman and 3 DCs and keep them in a style to which they would really appreciate becoming accustomed, I would consider trying to get used to being financially dependent. Just in the spirit of scientific inquiry you understand. Anyone?

I agree that being a SAHM is not sad but it is risky - but then I saw my parents divorce after almost 30 years of marriage. Mum now works 2 jobs despite being past retirement age and is probably having to sell her house this year because she can't keep on paying the mortgage until it's paid off. (We have offered to help but she won't accept money from her children). Dad on the other hand has more than 1 'property' and had enough funds to take early retirement years ago.

At the moment I am relieved that I am a working mum as dh is being made redundant, and because I work, I know we are financially ok for quite some time. Hopefully long enough for dh to find another job anyway.