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Original poster

a friend just told me no way could say be a sahm, as its sad to be financially dependent on a man

178 replies

robinredbreast · 12/02/2008 12:54

yes you guessed it im a sahm

eveb if i workd fulltime i wouldnt have nogh mony on my own to pay for everything

she was saying to me about someone else we both know

but my feelings are we[society] are dependent on each other really

even if i did split up with dh, which im sure wont happen, id probably have to claim benefits or something

help me articlate what im trying to say, well if you know what im trying to say

basically that theres many ways we are dependent on others, and financally is just one of them

OP posts:
FrannyandZooey · 12/02/2008 13:21

it's just so shortsighted and, dare I say it, SAD to reduce a partnership to this

ffs

VeniVidiVickiQV · 12/02/2008 13:22

What hunker said.

Seriously though...What franny said

Seriously though.....

As long as someone has chosen a particular path, it doesnt matter that it doesnt suit someone elses' idea of independence/feminism/ideals.

The point is very much choice. It's sad (not a sneery sad) not to be able to have a choice in such things.

If a couple chooses to have one work, or both work, as long as it makes everyone happy, then that is what matters. You arent financially dependent if that is what you have chosen. Dependency is far more complicated than just who's name is on a payslip.

Original poster
robinredbreast · 12/02/2008 13:24

well the other friend, this friend was talking about has just recently split with her partner but she hasnt been living with her partner, shes been living with her dad the past 3 years, [her dd is 2 aswell] and her partner reackons he cant afford to get them a home
so really shes never been finacally dependent on her dp, but its her dad thats been supporting her really.

she has a 2 year old thats been in nursery since 6 months old fulltime, she earns a very large income and would probably be able to afford everything on her own if her and her husband split up

i wouldnt be able to even if i did work fulltime.

i want to try and explain that if me and dh ever split up, which i dont think we ever would]ill try that bridge IF and when i come to it

OP posts:

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willdaisymummy · 12/02/2008 13:26

Well, I may change my mind when they get older, start school etc but at the mo I'm happy where I am (although I do work 7 hours a week so if I didn't do that I might feel differently)

VeniVidiVickiQV · 12/02/2008 13:26

Well, you can explain to her that you have made choices based on the security of your relationship, and how you'd best like to bring up your children. Being able to support yourself and your child financially isn't something worth your consideration, because you have no reason to consider such a scenario, such is the strength of your partnership with DH.

morningpaper · 12/02/2008 13:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

EffiePerine · 12/02/2008 13:31

Agree with MP

VeniVidiVickiQV · 12/02/2008 13:33

It's a valid one MP, but not one that entitles the holder of it to sneer at someone else and call them "sad".

hunkermunker · 12/02/2008 13:35

I'm despondent about people depending on me atm.

So nobs to your friend. With knobs on.

FairyMum · 12/02/2008 13:42

I don't work because I want to be independent of DH. We are both dependent on eachother. It gives me great comfort to know that we both have a pension and that I can provide for the family finanically if something happened to DH. I don't think of SAHMS as "sad" but I do know I would never take the risk MY personal risk assessment tells me they are taking. I am a very "let's save for a rainy day"-person financially and need to know i have savings in the bank to be able to sleep at night. I would never discuss this with friends who have made other choices in RL, but I would definatly think it.

morningpaper · 12/02/2008 13:42

????????? Where is the sneering? Why was this personal? I thought this was just someone's opinion? It didn't read like a personal attack on the OP in any way?

morningpaper · 12/02/2008 13:44

And it is fair enough to say "Well we'll cross that bridge when we come to it" but if this happens (as it did for my mother) the year that your youngest child leaves home, when you are just turning 60 and have no savings or pension of your own, then you are f*cked.

Of COURSE you can take that risk, but lots of people don't want to.

EffiePerine · 12/02/2008 13:46

and I think we don't acknowledge that risk ebough. It's still the norm for the woman to put herself in that situation without considering the implications fully. If it could happen to either partner I would be more chilled about it, but the vast majority of the time it is the woman who loses out massively in the event of a divorse (tho recent cases have redressed the balance somewhat).

hunkermunker · 12/02/2008 13:48

Is there anyone on MN who wouldn't mind if I was financially dependent on them for a bit, please?

hunkermunker · 12/02/2008 13:48

I'm working on sodding Mother's Day, ffs.

morningpaper · 12/02/2008 13:50

you can financially dependent on me if you like

I can offer half a bacon sandwich and a handful of Pez for starters

Will that do?

hunkermunker · 12/02/2008 13:51

Tempting, MP.

Can you also persuade the mortgage company to accept them?

If so, you're on

FioFio · 12/02/2008 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Kewcumber · 12/02/2008 13:51

morning paper - exactly the same thing happened to my mum (you're not my sister are you? )

People views are influenced by their personal experiences - its inevitable. I'm 43 I have worked and earned my own money since I was 13. I can't ever imagine a time when I wouldn't and based on my mum's experience, I have trust issues with men. If my once lovely Dad could shaft my mum after a long happy marriage, it could happen to anyone.

I don't sneer at women (or men) who are financially dependent on their spouse but its not what I would choose for me. However some people will think is sad/ill advised in the same way that some people don;t approve of working mothers.

You need to worry less about what others think, just smile nicely and say "it has worked well for us so far".

pukkapatch · 12/02/2008 13:52

dh had to work from home last week when i was incapacitated. he finally understood that whatever price he manages to command for what he does, is actually jointly earned by both of us. me being a sahm enables him to commit as much time and effort to his work to get the financial consideration he does.
if someone as thick as dh can manage to understand this, then the op friend must have more than a few screws missing.

morningpaper · 12/02/2008 13:54

hunker I will ask at the bank

Kewcumber I don't have any sisters but I think that actually you learn quite a lot of lessons supporting your parents through that sort of thing.

CountessDracula · 12/02/2008 13:56

pmsl @ nice house with land!

Well I am not financially dependent on dh at all

However I am emotionally dependent on him etc

If we split up yes, I would be able to support myself and dd financially easily

I would be in bits though
So what difference really? I would fight tooth and nail rather than split up with him because I want to be with him. The financial thing doesn't enter into it for me.

Kewcumber · 12/02/2008 13:56

Fio - my paretns were divorced when my mum was on the verge of retirement so she had worked latterly in her life but at a significantly more junior level than if she had worked from a younger age. They had (when younger) made decisions about putting more money into savings rather than enhancing her pension. Obviously "savings" were split equally as marital assets and my father kept all his pension despite it being three times the size of my mums as it was deemed that her (meager) pension was sufficient to survive on.

The irony of it is that my mum is much more intelligent than my dad and could probably have had a more lucrative career if she had lived in a more enlightened time in different circumstances.

She doesn't regret stayng at home with us I should add. But is very bitter that my Dad is significantly better off than her in retirement.

FairyMum · 12/02/2008 13:57

I am not sure i agree with the argument that a man needs a wife at home to be able to have a great career.Personally I prefer my Dh to work a little less so he can also spend time with the children. Does your Dh work 24/7 then?

Kewcumber · 12/02/2008 13:59

On reflection, I think it is undoubtedly risky for many women but not necessarily "sad". You could equally say that my lack of trust is "sad".

It may be a risk worth taking in many cases.

MP - I negotiated the divorce for my mum as she was virtually catatonic! It was a bizarre experience all round. but as you say, an enlightening one.