a friend just told me no way could say be a sahm, as its sad to be financially dependent on a man

[robinredbreast]

yes you guessed it im a sahm

eveb if i workd fulltime i wouldnt have nogh mony on my own to pay for everything

she was saying to me about someone else we both know

but my feelings are we[society] are dependent on each other really

even if i did split up with dh, which im sure wont happen, id probably have to claim benefits or something

help me articlate what im trying to say, well if you know what im trying to say

basically that theres many ways we are dependent on others, and financally is just one of them

I agree both are tough and like i say i have been on both sides and the grass is not always greener!!! I would love to be at home with my family at weekends but needs must!!Being a parent is a tough job..however much money you have..even harder if you struggle to pay bills and put clothes on your kids back!! There are so many choices you have to make work or not, dummy or not, bottle or breast, none of them right or wrong just a matter of personal choice and what works for you...i think if the parents are happy then the children are also happy and if going to work or being a sahm makes you feel happy and satisfied who are we to judge!! A mum that feels trapped and unhappy being a home all day with only children for conversation..can be a bad bad thing, so like i say happy mum (and dad) makes for happy children!!

I'm glad my DD is now in nursery and me at work, I love babies and older children but I am ROTTEN with toddlers and am quite happy to leave it to people who will spend all day making a chinese dragon out of a cardboard box...I know quite a few SAHM and the one with top earning partner has a great time while telling me how it is HELL looking after kids the whole time (they are both at school!) and how you just can't get the au pairs these days and only the eastern european ones really work at all...and the one with a very low earning partner looks continually harassed and says "if a woman says she's never felt like killing her kids, she is a LIAR!"
Strangely, when my DD goes to school I will be taking my hours down to school hours, so I think I'm doing it the wrong way round?
Ah well.

On the whole women/men rights thing my brother is married to a not entirely nice woman who spends all his cash and a bit more and if he divorced her he'd be wiped out and lose his kids too so he grins and bears it so he is financially dependent on his stay at home wife!

Runs off to avoid missiles....!

I was a single mum and SAHM no dependence on a man.
It's a choice not to be dependent but to be a SAHM
FWIW DP depends on me being here as much as I depend on him earning.
Tis a mutual thing you see, we're both happy and neither feels exploited or used or shortchanged
I happen to think he gets a good deal!!!

Twiglett it has nothing to do with anyone else and i say well done to you..it's your choice if thats what you feel is best then, why should anyone elses views matter!! It's a minefield being a parent and noone prepares you for the feelings that we experience once we become parents!!

BITCAT - so true but also nothing prepared me for the fact that when I became a parent random people suddenly developed the need to discuss my failings with me!

Message withdrawn

Kewcumber, i'm sure that you do not have any failings and we are all doing our best..thats all one can ask and i would ignore people that are rude and want to tell you how you should be doing it!! People are so judgemental and i think should worry about there own lives not yours, or mine or anyone elses...unless it is a matter of life and death!!!

zazette - I no longer WOHM because dh and I worked in an industry where part time = stagnation, and we are far better off financially with him able to give his all to his career because I'm at home supporting him. Better off emotionally as well, because we have clearly defined areas of responsibility. he earns, I manage the home. My life is relatively easy because I can afford to pay for help, his is realtively easy because he genuinely thrives on the pressure of his job.

Being a SAHP who doesn't get paid does not mean giving up financial independance though, and I do get quite cross with women who think that because they don't earn the money, it's not their responsibility. I'm married, so if dh and I ever did split up, I'd get a proper divorce settlement. He'd also have to ask to see my spreadsheets of our assets to be able to fill in his finacial disclosures. All our savings are in my name (tax efficient) and we still pay into a pension for me (again, tax efficient).

personally, I found f/t WOHM to be the easiest, by far, but I only had one child.
the hardest was SAHM with p/t job and no childcare i.e. starting work when dh gets home
honestly, wouldn't change it for the world, though

i have pretty much covered it all

sahm
part time wm
full time wm
now i am a part time working mom but i work for dh business so i am still financially dependant on him.

overall sahm was the hardest for me, i have the upmost respect for those that do it. i did it for nearly two years but have just gone back again part time.

full time work was next cos i missed dd soooooooo much and she was coming home from nursery and going to bed

part time is good for me cos it gives me a break but i also get enough time with the kids.

Thanks Prufrock. So am I right in thinking that you would have been a big earner when full-time? this is the dilemma, no? I do know lots of people in couples who both work part-time, but mostly in fields where most people don't earn that much, regardless of gender (public sector types and artists). And to be honest, in most of those each person works 3 or 4 days - I don't know anyone where only 5 days per week are getting worked between the couple - that's just too hard to sustain in most professions, IME. So not that part-time.

Well, I have to say that if the very worst did happen, and DH left me, I'd cope because I'd have to. It'd be hard, but fuck me life is hard enough now. Both my parents came from single parent families. In fact, my Dad's mother had a clever knack of getting together with (lots of) the right man. For a someone who was essentially a SAHM for most of her life apart from "pocket money" type jobs later in life, she left approximately £200,000 when she died. (Not to us, I should add , all to my auntie and cousin). My other nan's husband walked out when my mum was 2. He never ever supported his family. My nan did whatever work she could, all clothes were mostly home-made, and food was already rationed. My parents were lucky enough to get a council house in North London when we were small. So I grew up on a council estate where there were all sorts of families. Some worked, some didnt.

I can't not work. I can't afford to have my children in full time childcare either. I'm relying on a mish-mash of family help and school to help. We are lucky enough to be able to obtain a mortgage to have bought our own home.

My hours mean that I leave home at 8.30am, and dont get home till 2.30pm (although I'm out the door 20 minutes later to walk to pick DD up from school, so not enough time for a shit or a shave, and then not back home until 3.30pm), but only 4 of those are actual working. The rest is dashing about dropping off and picking up children. Such a waste of a day. I WOHM 16 hours a week. Yet I'm out of the house 28 hours. I spend 12 hours a week just chasing backwards and forwards. 12 hours. Life sucks sometimes, but, you do what you can with whatever means you can. If you are lucky enough to be able to make choices in whether you work or not, well, all power to you.

In the meantime, I'll stick with investing a pound a week in the lottery

robin, IIRC you started a v similar thread recently in "Going Back to Work" along the lines of "all I want to do is stay at home with my baby", saying that someone had criticised you for that.

I would suggest that you either have unusually rude friends or are being a tad over sensitive.

Whatever choice or path you take as regards working or staying at home, there will be someone to make you feel guilty about it. You may as well get used to it!

vvvq - that sounds more or less like my day too. I actually work a few more hours but the running around and the sheer logistics of being 2 things at once takes most of my energy.

Oh doesnt it just.

I dont know whether its having the best of both worlds, or having the worst of both worlds sometimes.

and another thing.... from your two threads I conclude you are doing a job you love and would not want to be anything other than a SAHM... so you are very lucky

Your friend mustn't have a very strong relationship in my opinion. In my house, our money is 'our' money. That's what a partnership is all about. I think it is sensible to have other options - i.e. get skills and have a career before hand that you can always fall back on.

There is of course the whole thing about being defined by your career, but sounds like the reason your friend stated was to do with depending on her DH.

Each to their own...

thanks for all your advice.
it crazy really that this friends comment upset me so much really isnt it, esp when me dh and dd are so happy with how things are.

just feel so judged all the time now im a parent, never felt so judged before in my life.guess thats what happens when you join the world of parents eh?

ive thought about this all afternoon and the funny thing is, if me and dh ever divorced [which obv i hope we won't] we would have to split the money from our house which is im both our names and so id be able to go and buy my own smaller house albeit in a cheaper area etc, but id still be able to buy my own place without a morgage so im not even finacially dependent on dh at all really

think my real problem is dealing with these type of comments and being able to articlate how i fel inside, that does seem to be a problem of mine
if any one has any pointers id be glad to hear them

like if i was feeling all calm, like i am now, i could say the above and explain in worse case senario we could sell our home and id buy a smaller cheaper one , yes in a cheaper area but have no morgage and that ctc and benefits would help me pay the bills,and then if necessary ,then i would think about a job if i needed to. and that being a sahm is what i love doing.
i might be able to get my views across with either
A going berserk and relaliating which is what i did last time,but not this time
or B sinking back not really saying much

hopefully ill be able to work towards c
calmly staing my views without hurting others, thats what im aiming to do

"if any one has any pointers id be glad to hear them" - I refer to my earlier answer. Just smile nicely and say "it works fine for us at the moment, but thanks for your concern"

thanks kc at least i didnt relatilate by saying a load of shit back, so im improving

I think the need to justify your decision should be resisted at all costs! Its always tempting and I've had to bite my own lip in the face of being a working mother, but the pleasant un-communicative approach always winds people up far more so is worth persevering with...

thanks kc ill try to bear that in mind

Agree with Kewcumber. The more you justify the weaker it makes you sound. And being constantly criticised isn't about being a SAHM; it comes with the parenting job!

yes, i should just put on a your comments do not effect me in anyway confident front