So worried about my 11yr old DS walking home from school - How to prepare him

[doublechocolatedigestives]

Just some advice or tips to calm my nerves.
My 11 year old is due to start high school in September.
I've always had a car so he isn't very streetwise and doesn't look when crossing the road etc (no matter how many times I tell him)

I'm looking to return to work so wouldn't be able to pick him up and I really want to save on after school club fees.

My problem is, people are telling me to throw him in the deep end and get him to start coming home alone. I plan to get him a phone but when I envision him leaving school and coming home I feel like something dreadful will happen.
We live 1.2 miles from the school. He could either walk the whole way or get a bus

There is a girl who is in his class and I was thinking to let him walk with her but the majority of the journey would be by himself

Any advice?

Also I have a 22 year old and we didn't have a car when he was little so he knew which bus to get and was a bit more aware when he started going to school alone.
I'm also worried about my 11yr old getting into bother with other boys who are older.

I didn’t “throw mine in at the deep end”. Completely against the received wisdom of MN, I gave them lifts too and from until they were ready to do it themselves.

Start by walking to pick him up now.
Get him to decide when it's safe to cross roads etc.
Then when he's getting better at that, meet 1/4 mile from school. Then further and further away.
Do the same for journey to school

I did a test walk there and back on a weekend showing dd11 how to check the road, wait at the crossing until cars stopped etc. I then told them to do it themselves but followed them at a distance without telling them to make sure they were being safe crossing the road etc when I'm not there. That made me feel more confident and the have been fine going to and from school

I think you need to do more walking/buses with him to get him used to it. It doesn't sound like he has good road awareness yet. Once he can demonstrate it with you, then I would start letting him walk part of the way e.g. agreeing a place to meet him. This might be tricky when you are working though, so you might need to practise in holidays etc.

Start preparing him now. Can he walk from Primary? Even if home is not a possibility, then park further away and have him walk to you, join him walking a few times first. Or have him do other walks alone.

An 11 year old child should be able to easily walk to and from school by themselves.

Mine cycled with mates when he started in year 7, was more nerve wracking for me than him. He has life360 on his phone so I can track his journey (now in year 8).
Mine didn't want me to take him or pick him up (horrified by the idea!), he matured a lot in the summer holidays so he was ready for it.

@BethDuttonsTwin thanks OP. How did you or they know they were ready?

I hate that my cousin told me throw him in the deep end. Tbf she doesn't have children so she has no idea what that means especially in this world

My dd started this year at seniors and like you I was terrified. It's roughly two miles walk.
Over the summer I walked with her the route regularly so she was confident, knew how tricky some of the roads were etc. and I allowed her to go the local shops and back alone just for practice being by herself.
First few weeks of school, she arranged to meet friends on route and from day one she has walked there and back, majority of the walk is alone.
I think the nerves are more with us as parents!

If you aren't currently working now, why not start him walking home tomorrow?

Start practicing now.
Give him a bit more experience - do you have a local shop he can go to? Park with friends?
Other kids are likely to be making the same journey once he starts, he'll make new friends. 😧

Round here everyone seems to use SpaceTalk watches to keep an eye on things. They mean parents can be called to the rescue if needed, but can also be switched to ‘school mode’ in class (so they’re just a watch in class time).

Does he never play out with his friends?

I honestly can't understand an NT 11 year old not being capable of walking a mile on their own, getting a bus, crossing roads. At that age my step kids were independent, capable of running errands to the shops or walking/cycling the couple of miles to see their nan. I was the same.

Ideally, you would have been walking and using buses and crossing roads with him for years. But you’ve still got time. Walk to school. Let him lead. Let him decide when to cross. Get him to work out which bus, find the bus stop, get on the right one, get off at the right stop etc.

As you’re a SAHM you could do this for primary school if it’s within walking or bus distance, and he’d soon get the hang of it. If primary school is only accessible by car, then you need to plan in a walking / bus trip a couple of times a week.

Just make sure to hang back, hold your tongue and not intervene unless he’s about to get squashed by a lorry. Getting on the wrong bus or turning down the wrong street are all learning experiences. If he asks for help, assist him to work it out rather than solving it for him, so he has strategies to do so by himself when he’s on his own.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz
I've been toying with this and the thought makes me feel so sick lol. I feel like such an idiot.
But he doesn't have a phone yet. That will take me a few days.

@KleineDracheKokosnuss oh thanks never heard of them. I'll do some research

I used to have to drive DCs to primary and even though we parked a good 5 minute walk away we never had to cross a road. In the Easter holidays in year 6, I walked Ds down to a busy road, we stood well back from the pavement edge and I got him to tell me when he thought it was safe to cross and at what point he shouldn't.

We walked the route to school and talked through where the dodgy bits were. Told him no adult would ask a child to help look for a missing dog that sort of thing, what to do if a car pulls over, be aware of your surroundings and do not have your phone in your hand when you are walking.

Because we drove to primary we would give him a head start whilst Ds2 and I walked a distance behind him so he was technically walking alone. We started getting him to pay for things in shops, taking things to the till etc but that was from year 4 or 5.

Well a phones not going to prevent him from getting knocked over by a car is it? Sorry but it’s completely ridiculous that your DS cannot cross a road safely at his age. There is no excuse for that. The good news is that you have 7 months to teach your child something that most 8 year olds can safely do, so get out of your car and crack on with it.

@Dartmoorcheffy no he doesn't have any friends outside of school. Doesn't play out either. Mainly because we are on an estate and no other kids play out either.

I was very independent from 9 and went to the shop to get food for my Nan, would run errands for her but he is quite immature in that sense. We have a local shop but he wouldn't be able to go in and buy something and come out. Or maybe he could and I'm too much of a ---- to let him 🤦🏽‍♀️

You need to teach him how to cross the road safely. It's going to take practice but something you're going to have to persevere with.

He doesn't need a phone for walking home. My dd doesn't take her phone to school. She walks a pre agreed route, knows where she can pop into if being followed (obvs v rare but helps to have a plan), and if she isn't home by a certain time I would walk the route in reverse.

I know it's scary but you are really not doing him any favours by not having worked with him on this by now. Your anxiety about it is fair, but you are the grown up - you work on keeping that to yourself and doing what's best for him.

When my dd started getting the bus to school we did it together the first day then on the second day we did it 'together' but we pretended we didn't know each other. She got on and off first and we obviously sat separately!

@PizzaPastaWine it's something me and his dad have been doing for years. We wonder if he will pay attention if we aren't with him because we ALWAYS tell him to look but he just steps right out every time. Even when I'm driving and people step out inferno of the car I tell him how dangerous it is.

But yes we will keep trying with that

We have a local shop but he wouldn't be able to go in and buy something and come out. Or maybe he could and I'm too much of a ---- to let him

Ok you can fix this today. "Ds here's two pounds, go grab yourself an aftershock snack from the shop at the end of the street"

You'll worry like a mad woman but it's the only way!

After school snack! Not an aftershock haha!!