So worried about my 11yr old DS walking home from school - How to prepare him

[doublechocolatedigestives]

Just some advice or tips to calm my nerves.
My 11 year old is due to start high school in September.
I've always had a car so he isn't very streetwise and doesn't look when crossing the road etc (no matter how many times I tell him)

I'm looking to return to work so wouldn't be able to pick him up and I really want to save on after school club fees.

My problem is, people are telling me to throw him in the deep end and get him to start coming home alone. I plan to get him a phone but when I envision him leaving school and coming home I feel like something dreadful will happen.
We live 1.2 miles from the school. He could either walk the whole way or get a bus

There is a girl who is in his class and I was thinking to let him walk with her but the majority of the journey would be by himself

Any advice?

Don't get him a phone just yet; his head will be buried in it when he's walking home and then all road sense and safety goes out the window.

I can recommend this watch you can track them to see where they are they can call and text you and use SOS mode to press one button to send an instant alert to their phone. Use any sim we use giff gaff £6 a month.
www.smartwatchforless.com/products/sfl-smartwatch-for-kids-with-gps-and-sim-card-feature/

I struggled with this a lot! Dts started walking home half a mile beginning of y6, I walked up to meet them the last couple of minutes. Then they started secondary and we did the bus route in the summer together, couple of times me with them, then them going ahead and me following. When they started the first couple of weeks I did the same at their request. Then they had to go alone.

I have find my iPhone and they text me when they arrive / leave.

They are 31 august babies so v v young for their year.

I'm graduation getting less neurotic!

@doublechocolatedigestives you are babying him.

All the thing you say he can’t do, like going to the shop, he needs you to actually ASK HIM to do these things. Send him to buy milk. Or the paper.
Give him some independence.

Come September, he will be expected to be able to walk in his own Wo being a danger to himself, go in a shop etc…. EVEN IF he isn’t walking to and from school.
Just think about stuff like school trips. There won’t be a teacher to hold his hand whilst crossing!

Start small. He goes to the shop when there is no big street crossing.
Have him do it several times so it’s a habit.
Take the bus together instead if the car so he knows how it works. Show him the ropes. Etc…

And a bit closer at the time, do the walking to school with him a couple if times. Do the same with the bus.

He WILL be fine.
Seriously, he looks immature around that area if his life because he doesn’t have the experience. Let him experience that and he’ll ‘mature’ quickly.

I'm really surprised at this.
My youngest left primary last year and NOBODY was getting picked up by their parents for the last year or two.

For his own sake you need to give him more independence. When he's at high school won't he be able to go out at lunchtime etc? You're doing him no favours here, really. It's hard to let them go but it's damaging not to.

Also, this girl you want him to walk home with - is he friends with her? You said he doesn't have friends nearby? You can't expect them to walk together because you told them to.

Your 11yo not being able to cross the road safely at his age is a worry, is there additional needs in the mix? Kids are walking to/from school themselves here by P6 (10yo).

Our primary encouraged children walking home in year 6, in preparation for secondary. You really do need to address this. Talk to him, plan it, trial it. It's a basic life skill that needs to be taught : 'road sense'. You need to put some effort into addressing this.

I think its such a shame that he has never played out with his friends, he has missed out on a lot of socialising there which probably doesnt help the current situation as he has never had any independence. . That was the best part of being a kid. As you say you live on an estate and only a mile from school I'm surprised that there aren't children of a similar age who he plays with.

Do you have high anxiety? Have you spoken to your Gp about it. Because part of parenting properly is to step back and allow them more independence.

You need to walk WITH him to school , both ways every day, in all weather, and teach him how to cross the road safely, over and over again until he gets it. Tell him, if its raining or icy be extra careful, car brakes don't work so well. If its dark, be extra careful/wear a reflective band, so drivers can see you. How to choose a safe place and time to cross. Where NOT to cross. Look,listen, look again. Walk don't run.

Its your job as a parent to teach him social manners, street sense, how to look after himself in public and online, all the basic skills so that he'll be safe out in the world as he grows up.

If you fail, he'll be at risk.

My youngest nearly got run over aged about 10 and I told her then never to cross a busy road unless using a crossing. (It did frighten the life out of me)
But also, can he start walking to and from primary school Now?
We always had crossing the road drummed into us. Green cross code and all that. Is this not still the case?

No, I am stunned that people don’t realise that all kids are different and reach developmental stages at different times and think that everyone should do everything just the way they do and then go on to on MN to sneerily marvel at how backward other people’s children are 😊

No, I was a single, self employed parent who arranged my work around them and it was stressful and added even more to my already heavy load.

Walking down the road is hardly a ‘developmental milestone’ at 11 is it?!

@BethDuttonsTwin - This! You'd think that every mum in the world got handed exactly the same capable child at birth with some of these answers.
I've had some helpful answers from this thread but a lot of others are making me feel majorly shit (and I felt shit before I posted for advice)

When I was preparing my DD to walk to and from school alone I started by having her take the lead when we walked anywhere (which was everywhere, because I don't drive) so she had to choose where and when to cross the road and I could see if she knew how to decide and then correct her if she didn't. But we always walked everywhere so she picked up how to make these decisions by watching me. Once I was confident she could cross a road safely we practiced the route to school so I could be sure she knew the way as well, then I had her do the walk while I followed at a distance. Then finally had her do the walk alone there and back (during the summer) and see how long it took her so she'd know what time she'd need to leave to get to school on time.

I think some posters have forgotten this is on Parenting not AIBU. Some responses are neither kind nor helpful. Telling the OP she's a hopeless parent and your children have been walking to school independently since they were 6 including crossing dual carriageways doesn't help anything.

It’s definitely something you can work on with him, walk with him and drum it into him about road safety etc.

I don’t think berating the OP is helpful - in some cities/areas it absolutely isn’t safe for a child to walk alone plus all children are different and are ready at different ages.

If you don’t let him do it you’ll never know if he can op, it’s hard ‘letting go’ a bit but they only flourish and grow gaining some confidence in themselves. Start with the trips to the shop. We don’t live near one now but my youngest loved a trip to the shop from 9/10 then he’d walk to his dads from school, he arranges to meet friends sometimes too, my son is asd/adhd so I worry about him allllllll the time but my worrying and fretting was holding him back from doing things he’s actually very capable of we have safeguards in place - my friend picks up her daughter from the same school and he knows if he needs to he can go to her )sometimes needs reminding of the plan but so far so good sometimes gets some £ for the shop on his way home. has a phone but not allowed in primary school. He FaceTimes me when he gets in or texts.

your son will be fine, start walking with him then once you’re happy he’s ok with the roads you can step back. And we will always worry about them op / I have s 21 year old and he was so confident but I worry now as he drives, or if he’s on a night out - not overly worrying you do just hope they get home safe and sound 😊

@TeenDivided @Shopper727 @35965a
Thank you all so much.

I'm thinking he may become more confident if he does the walk back on his own. But we will start tomorrow by leaving the car behind and letting him show me the way

@thaegumathteth hi OP yes he is friends with the girl so I wouldn't ask her if she wasn't happy to walk with him.

Get him a phone with life 360 on it. Practice. Drive him for a bit if you can. There will be loads of other kids walking.

Different situation because mine is younger - but I'm less anxious than you so maybe similar - esp my last few sentences.

In our school the kids are allowed to walk along from Y5 and I knew DS would want to because I've always encouraged his independence. We cycle so even worse (imo). I started working on it with him at the very start of Y4 so we had a whole year - he would cycle in front with my close behind managing and instructing and describing. Then slowly I increased his responsibilities, first leading to the end of the road, then the next road etc till he could do the whole journey without my input. Then I spent a long time discussing things that could happen on the journey - what if a car doesn't stop at that junction like it's supposed to, what could you do? What if a pedestrian walks out unexpectedly? What if a bus is parked in a way that blocks your view? Etc etc etc. By the time Sept of Y5 rolled round he was bomb-proof. Then we moved 😭

So, new school, new, longer, less safe route and need to learn it quicker. We basically did the above but way faster. He started the new school in January and he is just about ready to do the journey solo now - of course he could have done it sooner but it wouldn't have been as safe.

So was I, but still I get flashbacks of my way to and from school (about a mile).

Perhaps you live in a fantastically safe area and find it hard to understand that not everyone lives where you do?

@Dartmoorcheffy @Spiderplantation
No kids play outside where I live now. They did when my 22 year old was younger so he was always out and could go to the shops to get things for me, played with neighbours and his friends etc but nowadays everyone keeps their kids in around here