So worried about my 11yr old DS walking home from school - How to prepare him

[doublechocolatedigestives]

Just some advice or tips to calm my nerves.
My 11 year old is due to start high school in September.
I've always had a car so he isn't very streetwise and doesn't look when crossing the road etc (no matter how many times I tell him)

I'm looking to return to work so wouldn't be able to pick him up and I really want to save on after school club fees.

My problem is, people are telling me to throw him in the deep end and get him to start coming home alone. I plan to get him a phone but when I envision him leaving school and coming home I feel like something dreadful will happen.
We live 1.2 miles from the school. He could either walk the whole way or get a bus

There is a girl who is in his class and I was thinking to let him walk with her but the majority of the journey would be by himself

Any advice?

Ps. After years of velcro we finally got DD lace up trainers and swapped in elastic laces. They are fab.

Our DS was similar and hadn’t ever done much alone at all. We had the lockdown when he would have been starting to get more independence so he lost a lot of yr 5/6 when he would have practiced.
We walked with our DS to and from high school for a couple of weeks. He now does it no issues at all.
He has his phone and We have a tracking app.

I think some posters are being mean.
11 is still young.
When I was a child, I was probably molly coddled a bit but still got there in t he end!!! I certainly never walked to primary alone even though it was super close.
Well with my own dc we have always pretty much walked or got the bus to school. Eldest wasreally ready or wanting to go alone at the end of year6 and I went with him on the short bus ride at the start of Yr 7(his choice). He quickly said was ok to go alone.
Younger Dc were a bit more confident and asked to walk home, or part way in year 6
Did it gradual. One is sensible, the other one, not as much
Bus route is easy and direct but walking does involve busy roads.
Now I have 2 at secondary, we do a bit of both
One likes to walk. The other I pick up a little way up from the school.
I don't think driving children directly to the school isn't helpful unless a school is far. I think walking teaches them more OP.
Start walking or bus. But if he's happy for you to take him in year 7 that's fine too!

@Iusedtobecarmen thank you. Very mean and not understanding about people/children being at different milestones.

Thanks to some of the lovely advice (and I guess some mean replies too) I pulled up my bra straps and dropped him to meet the girl who was happy for him to walk with her.
He was excited and trotted off without looking back!
Thanks everyone

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz yes those are good ideas, I'm planning on doing that kind of thing regularly and also letting her go to friends houses where they can go out independently.
@RedToothBrush the issue isn't crossing the A road its that there is no where walkable to go. There is only pavement on our side of the road and only for a few hundred yards, then no pavement for about 3 miles until the next village. An adult wouldn't be safe walking along there. No school / shop / playground to walk to.

My eldest transitioned to secondary during the pandemic so we did t have any transition days for her to try out properly but as we were home a lot we did do some practice walks. I all had to drive the younger child to primary so never really for her walking that route. She’s autistic but totally capable. We have several routes to walk and are lucky that most of our town is accessible via cycle tracks and minimal road crossing. She’s actually changed her route now slightly to totally avoid roads though even through the quicker route does cross a busy main road. It was exciting at first but now she’s in y9 she’s always wanting a lift!! She was bought a phone for going into y6 to get used to using it, using maps, looking after it etc . She also got thrown into being left at home on my work days to get herself to and from school independently and lock the house. She was nervous at first especially in the winter when it seems still dark - she just leaves a bit later. There’s no wrap around option and secondary. Some nights she has activities and I pick her up or she walks to the primary for a lift.

Youngest is y6. She got her phone a bit earlier which seems to happen a lot with younger siblings and generally doing things sooner. She’s been walking to and from primary herself a lot this year. My car was out of action so we had to walk for a week so she learned the route and then I gradually walked half way and let her go and met her half way on the way back and changed my meeting point til she was totally independent. She’s already asked to do some practice walks to the secondary as she’s not really walked that far yet on her own - she would go to the primary and then keep going. She’s been along for a key but we haven’t done much of her staying home alone and locking or unlocking the house yet so something else to try.

I can track both on phones if needed.

It is nerve wracking but you’ve got a few months now with lighter nights to get this sorted in time for September.

He can’t go into a shop by himself? Ok you need to start now. Children are far more resilient and capable than you think. In Germany, for example, kids travel to school independently from a young age and no one thinks anything of it. You seem to have low expectations of your son-how about walking with him from now for a while and then asking him if he feels ok to do it alone? Start by walking him half way and meeting him halfway. Trust your son-with experience and knowledge, an 11 year old can easily walk a couple of miles.

Best way is to see how he will be going and getting back from high school. My eldests school has dedicated school buses. We followed the route it took in the car a few times. When they had their induction where they spend 2-3 days at school to meet their teachers etc, we walked to where he would catch the bus and then he went on it to high school and we met him there. He is autistic but in mainstream so we had to make sure he was settled with what would happen. We kept it as simple as possible on times, on where to walk, cross roads and which bus. We gave him a phone and put life 360 on it and we track him anytime on Google maps. We can see when he's got to the bus stop, when he's on the bus and when he arrives at school and the same when he leaves. If your child will be walking then do the walking route crossing at the safest places etc.

We’ve always walked/caught the bus but my son was still like this and didn’t seem to have any road sense. I was really worried about him walking on his own but he actually said to me “I don’t look when you’re there because you do it for me. When I’m on my own I’m a lot more careful.” It was true he did. He started walking on his own in year 6 so he was well prepared for secondary. I would start giving him more independence now, let him go into shops alone while you wait outside. Not just for his confidence but for yours too. When mine first started going places alone eg school/shop, I watched the tracker the whole time but as he did it more I watched less and less.

get him used to walking now, send him on short errands to the shop, pick him up a short distance from primary school and get him to meet you at an arranged place a short walk from the school. Please do not expect another child to be responsible for your son and his safety- firstly because he still needs to know how to cross a road safely, it’s a life skill like learning to swim or how to dress yourself and that should be taught from being young, and also because the first time is absent from
school and your son has to walk alone he will either panic or be totally unprepared. Whilst they may well decide to
walk to/from school together between themselves, this other child is under no obligation to babysit your son.

OP I get it, if it helps my DS is now 13 and walks himself up to the bus stop at the edge of the village to get to school every day. He walks home too, often in the dark. It's not far but it's rural and I was so worried about it. He's been doing it since he was 11 though and quite quickly you just accept it as normal. He does have a phone, and if he's running late I do peek at find my iphone to see where he is! It's very reassuring.

I’m stunned at this as well. I have a dd12 and she takes herself to and from school (1.5mile walk) and into town with friends at the weekend, to her friends houses, to her Nanas afterschool if she fancies it. She always lets us know where she is and i certainly have no concerns about her crossing the road. My dog looks for cars when we’re crossing the road fs.

There seems to be many parents who absolutely fail to prepare their kids for any independence whatsoever.

I felt like this with both of mine and one started a high school wining involved walking and 2 buses and the other with walking and 1 bus. Both involving lots of road crossing.

with both we spent the summer holidays before they started trialling the journey once a week (so approx 5 times, incorporating an ice cream or coffee shop visit at the school end to make it less tiresome). The first 3 trips with me talking through crossing roads and getting on buses, explaining why I was crossing where I was rather than somewhere else, or where I would sit on bus, etc. The last 2 round trips I got them to lead and didn’t comment unless they forget the instructions or put themselves in potential danger.

Both benefited hugely from this dummy run process. I also got my husband to accompany them on this journey for the first 2 school days (involving more traffic and more crowded buses than the school holidays) and both felt very confident when then let loose. Both also had phone for travel emergencies which never happened. But we’re useful in that they were asked to let me know they had arrived at school or were leaving school. If they forgot to message I would make a 2 sec call to check if all was ok.

Both were 11 and not streetwise and had always been dropped to and from primary school. They are now year 10 and year 8 and confident school commuters.

I hope this puts your mind at rest!

Good luck!

Between now and September, just start him getting used to crossing roads and catching buses. Go out for days in the city and say ‘use the maps on my phone and we need to get to the Costa on such and such street. You’re in charge’ We need to walk there, and you need to press the button on the crossing, look both ways etc. Get him more used to being out and about. In the summer walk to and from the secondary school loads of times, so he’s used to it. Why don’t you agree to meet at a coffee shop one weekend. You can drive there and he can catch the bus and meet you there. Make it fun, but I would just say to practice.

I did a couple of runs in the bus with DS in the week before he started secondary school. The first time I told him what to do, the following I let him lead and make his own mistakes, by the third one he insisted in doing it alone.

First day of classes I walked him to the bus stop, second day he just ran out of the house with a big smile and waved me good bye from the street as I was trying to keep up with him.

By the end of the week, my gone primary kid told me to expect him late after school on Friday as he was going “to town” with his friends! ( He was not allowed to for a few weeks, but honestly, something magic happens on that first week of secondary school)

Just work on it gradually from Easter to Sept. You have lots of time. Traffic awareness is something he really needs to learn obviously so it’s an opportunity to do that.

Kids are all different.

There's a boy of this age I see sometimes when I'm commuting (in London, where children 11+ mostly get themselves around). He does "commentary travelling" to school. So I think there's a parent on the other end of the phone, and he tells them when he's about to cross the road/get on the bus etc. He's not continually talking - just the active/decision point bits. Presumably they keep an open line and prompt him to cross carefully etc.

DD walks home alone three days a week at 9, which in our area is totally normal. You'd be amazed what being around peers doing the same can do. We planned a route that had minimal crossings and the busy road was crossed at a pelican crossing.

We had walked the route for two years before she did herself anyway and it's only a five to ten minute walk(depending which friends she finds on the way) I was absolutely terrified at first since walking home alone only ever happened the last term of year six in her old school. But she rose to it perfectly. I don't think anything but time helps with our parental anxiety though.

Not all kids are streetwise due to primary school circumstances - haven’t needed to do the journey due to lifts on way to work by a parent or attending breakfast/afterschool club. Not all kids live in quiet villages. Some will need to cross busy towns to get to high school eithe by bus or walking.

Many kids, mine included, aren’t that streetwise and operate with their head in the clouds or a little immature compared to their peers. It is our jobs as parents to measure their ability to navigate busy roads and public transport when the time is right. For many this isn until they are starting high school.

Don’t be so superior.

Also, driving them back and forth to school doesn't help at all, it just perpetuates the situation.

It's shocking that a secondary school child can't cross a road safely.

Actually 11/12 is statistically the age where dc are most likely to get knocked down by a car. Obviously because that’s when they get more independence.
So your rude reply is rubbish.

If you get him a cheap iPhone that have a tracker on that you can check on,there is also apps now t hat can notify you of when he gets hom e for peace of mind but the rest it will just be a learn as you go experience for him

Started this when my son was 8 (once our school allowed them to leave without a parent waiting). Over the course of a couple of months, we gradually arranged to meet at a further and further distance away from the school until he made it all the way home. It did mean I spent some time loitering in strange places but there you go. He's now 10yo and takes himself to and from school, swimming, sports clubs etc. He knows his way round Tesco because I always dragged him there at every opportunity and let him work the self-scan till. Now I can send him there to buy things. We live in a fairly small town, there are no in-town buses, just ones that pass through on the way to the city and a train station with irregular services. He wouldn't have a clue about public transport so that's something we need to work on. I haven't been on a bus myself in about 15 years, probably all apps and barcodes now, no idea.

I cycled (just under) 3 miles to school and three miles back when I was 11. But I was a very different child to my 11yo DS, and lived in a very different location. I roamed around alone on foot or on a bike from a young age, DS has had a different experience and has a less cautious and more easily distracted mentality.

My point is they are all different and what works for some won't be appropriate for all. The only thing you can do is get him taking more responsibility for himself in lots of ways over the next few months and see where he's at come September. Including navigating the streets with you in tow until he gets the hang of it and looking both ways etc is second nature. We had the "Green Cross Code" drilled into us at school as regularly as times tables, but things have changed.