So worried about my 11yr old DS walking home from school - How to prepare him

[doublechocolatedigestives]

Just some advice or tips to calm my nerves.
My 11 year old is due to start high school in September.
I've always had a car so he isn't very streetwise and doesn't look when crossing the road etc (no matter how many times I tell him)

I'm looking to return to work so wouldn't be able to pick him up and I really want to save on after school club fees.

My problem is, people are telling me to throw him in the deep end and get him to start coming home alone. I plan to get him a phone but when I envision him leaving school and coming home I feel like something dreadful will happen.
We live 1.2 miles from the school. He could either walk the whole way or get a bus

There is a girl who is in his class and I was thinking to let him walk with her but the majority of the journey would be by himself

Any advice?

Found this advice from traffic safety website, its aimed at parents of younger children but still helpful especially for children who might not be able to judge car speeds or need extra help preparing.
Training for the school trip should be started well in advance
It is worth walking the school route together with the child several times before school starts. When moving together, it is good to guide the child to pay attention to different situations: "Someone might come unexpectedly around that corner.", "At this intersection, the motorist can't see you from behind the bush."
When the basics are mastered, it's worth letting the child act independently and watch from the side. In addition to the route, the child also remembers safe ways to act when the instructions given by an adult connect to certain places. Simple advice works and is best remembered: "Always stop before crossing the road and calmly check if there are any cars coming."
In addition to thinking about and discussing safe movement while traveling to school, it is a good idea to photograph the journey and look at the pictures together. Ask the child to tell about them: "What do you see in the pictures?" "What do the pictures tell about traffic?" "Which place requires special attention?" "How do you work in them?". Since the assessment of distance and speed has not yet developed, you can tell the child clear boundaries "if the car is at that house, then you are no longer allowed to cross the road".

I live in London in an area with a lot of gangs and stabbings. The secondary school children, including mine, still walk to and from school (or get the bus). You can't lock your children up forever. Driving your kids everywhere isn't going to make them less 'sheltered', just less able to assess and cope with danger.

I agree with PP that he's probably switching off because you are there and constantly stepping in. He doesn't need to pay attention as you're doing it for him. Unless he has ASN he will absolutely have taken on all those reminders though. My dc act totally differently when I'm not about. As a single working latent there were times each of mine had to get themselves to school or back at 8, by 11 I was having to leave dd at home if she was unwell or on an in service day and I had to work. Youngest dd is s9 and has recently starting to walk herself to breakfast club as I was late for work every day when dropping her off. She's had to walk home every day since August as my finishing times and hers both changed. There wasn't a choice - she had to do it and has been absolutely fine. Doesn't sound like you have a choice either so better time slowly start opening up opportunities for him to do it occasionally before he has to do it

Things have changed so much , it worries me how young children will cope when they're adults .

At 11, in the 60s , I used to walk over a mile to the bus stop , then travel in the bus for 5 to 6 miles to the bus station in the town where my school was , then catch a school bus for a mile to my school .

This wasn't unusual at all . I'm not having a go at you , OP , I'm just saying how things were then .

Some PPs have said they're concerned about gangs and rough areas ~ isn't this something that should be addressed rather than stifling children's independence .

FGS educate the lad on road safety, you should have been doing this since he was little.

I absolutely hated the start of y7 with my daughter - she is an august birthday and only just turned 11 and had to get a bus into a town with just a couple of other girls age 11 who she barely knew. It was awful because the 6 months beforehand where I had planned to give her more freedom / walk to and from in primary school was taken due to covid and the school shut / being in lockdown.
I couldn’t drive her or pick her up as had younger ones to get to their schools.
i just had to bite the bullet, get her life 360 on her phone, walk her to the stop and watch her get on the bus. We did a bus journey together beforehand but even that was tricky due to bus disruptions / changes during the first part of covid.
We texted a lot and I followed her using the app for many journeys! It was all fine though and the months roll by and as soon as you know it they are 14 and very independent!
I now have the next one going into y7 in September- a boy same as you. Again terrified as he seems so much younger than even my daughter but he will also be getting the bus (long journey)
I think if I were you, I would start walking to primary school now to build confidence. Then for the start of y7 I would probably drive him, or if possible walk with him for those first few times. You both might feel happier with him doing it alone after the first couple of weeks.

I live in Switzerland and most kids walk to school independently/with friends from age 5, sometimes even from age 4 if it's a simple route. They are taught how to cross roads by a police officer and they all wear a high-vis band/sash thing. Accidents are rare. I'm only saying this to reassure you that if 5 year olds can manage, an 11 year old certainly can. Just make sure you really really drum the road safety rules in well.

In the 60s lololol. With many families not owning cars and very few cars in the roads. Duh.

Things have changed dramatically since the 60’s in so many ways. You really can’t compare then to now.

I waited until the clocks changed and started with dd1 after Easter for summer term yr6.
We did a few practise walks at the weekend with her walking ahead to check road safety, then I walked up to school to collect her at first and walked with her then met her 2/3rds, then 1/2 way etc so she was gradually walking further alone.
We did the same with the bus for going to secondary school but she soon met others doing same journey.
Phone is debatable - I gave her a phone but told her to message me when she left but not to have it out of her pocket while walking. Can understand not entirely necessary.
We have found that lots of her friends have still been dropped off when it's been cold/wet/dark so we do adapt to situations.

He will be absolutely ok, just practice the route with him, check out all the safe bits to cross, make sure you instill in him to cross at the same bits e.g traffic lights, zebra crossings, set a exact route, time the route, Can he cycle? This would be quicker for him and more fun and a skill to master.....I used to walk home from age 6 with my brother 9 and secondary school was two buses and a 10 minute walk..... remember it's the school and work run time so will be lots of people up and down ... we've all been there..he will be ok, you on the other hand have a strong rum to calm the nerves....you'll be laughing at yourself after a couple of weeks....remember the first day you left them at nursery? Same thing..all the best..

In countries where this is normal, drivers are careful as they expect to see young kids crossing.
Round where I live, delivery vans are in and out all day zooming far to fast down residential roads and not looking caring, despite there being speed bumps in various roads. They don’t care, just fly over them. And it’s not one or two, it happens all the time- I see it every time I go out!

I am in the same position with a DS11 starting secondary in September. What we've started doing is moving the pick up point further away from school every few weeks, so he has to walk further each time, eventually getting himself home. I really don't care if others would throw him in at the deep end, I won't! If he gets into the school we want then he'll be needing to catch a bus home (I'll be able to take him) so when we find out in March then I'll start to prepare him for that so that come September he'll be confident enough to get himself home!

No need to sneer . We had a a car but it wasn't used for things like taking us to school . Children's parents who had cars just didn't do that , as we were quite capable .

OP, he'll be fine. You may well find that he is a lot more capable than you think- both my kids were hopeless at looking before they crossed the road when they were walking with me, because they'd just assume (subconsciously) that I was on top of all that. The minute they started walking on their own, they completely changed their behaviour and were very cautious.

If you're worried, do a few practice runs where you walk 30m behind him. Close enough to keep an eye but far away enough that he has to make decisions about safety himself.

He should definitely be more than capable by age 11 so I'm sure he will be fine.

I started the warm-up to teenage independence with my two (they're 9 and 10 - nearly 10 and 11 now) on holiday in Centerparcs - getting them to go out to the shops and play areas alone there (they had spacetalk type watches which they can call me on and vice versa - we've since moved onto phones).

Once they'd got that taste of it (and DD1 was very wary of being quizzed by other adults why she was on the play area with no parent - because this was during Covid and people had lost the fucking plot and were still hating kids - so this took a bit of leverage to do), we extended it to the nearest local shop which doesn't require crossing big roads, and then planning a route to the high-spot of the local Morrisons at the petrol station where they can use crossing points to get across the crappy roads. DD1 I now trust to go independently, but DD2 has the common sense of a house brick (and some SEN) so that's going to be a while coming, and they'll walk around to their friend's a few streets away and the local playground - with a phone and with the instruction not to scare any younger kids (DD2's likely to mother them and spend hours letting them cut in front of her in the queue for the slide) and to come back if any of the teenager gangs are hanging around - we try to channel that one for the weekend mornings as the average teen doesn't exist before about midday.

When we move we'll extend the range of offerings open to DD1 into the local big Tesco and retail park - so her entire pocket money is likely to go on Costa, McDonalds and shite for her hamsters... and the local small town is likely to be walkable for her as well - but we've built up to this gradually over the last year or so. Still need to work on buses and trams - but that can come over the next few months as well. I do possibly give her more independence than some of the other kids in her year group - but it's managed - I insist that she has a smart watch on plus phone with her (in case she ever gets mugged for the phone) and we've reinforced sensible behaviour, awareness of where she is, and what to do if she feels at all uneasy about things. She's going to have to do it at some point and I don't want her hitting older teens and not having much of a clue about things.

Oh yeah - road crossing got substantially improved when I started training her to return the trolley at Aldi so she could keep the trolley pound! (She is totally like the kid in the bank advert for that!)

Ironically if we get the school of choice she's still going to need to be driven as our most local "outstanding" school is not somewhere I think is at all a good fit for her!

My Son walks a short distance from Primary (10 mins) and I believe they are allowed to walk from Year 5 upwards. I think it is a really good idea to get them walking from older Primary age so Secondary School isnt ‘throwing them in the deep end’. It is only in recent decades that kids haven’t walked to Primary by themselves. Im not suggesting a 6 year old walk by themselves now (my parents did but its a different world with traffic these days), but I think older Primary kids need to get prepared for the next stage, crossing the road and thinking for themselves. Does your Son play out with his friends? Could he go to the park with a friend so he gets used to being on his own etc?

Agree totally with this and great suggestions too 👍🏻

@doublechocolatedigestives I totally get you. Never was I more nervous than sending my boys off to secondary school!

I have to say, regardless of the worry it is causing you, you need to big up the opportunity of growing up and having more responsibility so he's activeyly excited to start secondary school.

Have a conversation with him and ask him what he would prefer - walking or bus? Have some test runs over the summer so you know how long it might take, and you can point out the best route to go. If you can, give him the opportunity to walk to local shops alone, or the chippy or whatever. I wouldn't bank on a girl in another year wanting to walk with him, especially long term.

If you need to drive him for a short time, then do. I sometimes do drive my kids to school, but I am confident they're ok to walk (although Y9 now - with one to start Y7 in Sept.)

My DC’s primary school advised parents to get their kids coming to/from school by themselves from year5/6 in preparation for secondary school. That would mean a bus trip for some, but it would be an easy walking distance for most, and all children would have roads to cross -I’m in London. The school said it was ok to phone the school to check that DC had arrived.

You have got six months of Primary school and then the summer holidays yet until he starts secondary.
Sta

Sorry posted too soon!

You have six months til end of primary and summer hols. Start walking with him to school and back now. That's plenty of time to get him road savvy.

So mad to even have this conversation now. Thirty years ago, when I was about eight or nine I would walk about half a mile to see a friend at their house and my parents wouldn't think anything of it. Yet now I would feel uneasy letting my 11 year old DD do the same...although I do need to learn to let go a bit more.

Perhaps it's just me but things seems so much more scarier out there...or kids not as street smart perhaps.

Just let him practice short differences and encourage him to start with a friend (say they are welcome to stay after school and have dinner with you, so that you can be sure they'll come with him).

Honestly, when I was that age, I was walking myself home from school about the same distance and then letting myself in the house and cooking dinner with my mum arriving home around 6. Even my 9 year old has walked to the village and back with friends (less than a mile). I'm sure he'll be fine.

This if you can.

I couldn't for differing reasons with younger two children so found other tasks like posting letters or popping to the shops.

Also summer before got them to walk the route by themselves and time it - phone when there then walk back - though they had eldest there to walk with they need to be able to do it themselves in case of clubs/exams/just late delays.

By end of secondary year though - and by end of first half term with pfb - they were getting about themselves into town with friends etc