So worried about my 11yr old DS walking home from school - How to prepare him

[doublechocolatedigestives]

Just some advice or tips to calm my nerves.
My 11 year old is due to start high school in September.
I've always had a car so he isn't very streetwise and doesn't look when crossing the road etc (no matter how many times I tell him)

I'm looking to return to work so wouldn't be able to pick him up and I really want to save on after school club fees.

My problem is, people are telling me to throw him in the deep end and get him to start coming home alone. I plan to get him a phone but when I envision him leaving school and coming home I feel like something dreadful will happen.
We live 1.2 miles from the school. He could either walk the whole way or get a bus

There is a girl who is in his class and I was thinking to let him walk with her but the majority of the journey would be by himself

Any advice?

Anyone else stunned at this thread? At 11 I walked 15 minutes to our local rural train station, took the train 2 stops, then walked another 15 minutes through a city centre including underpasses to get to school. All the girls did this. I’m absolutely amazed at the cotton wool parents wrap their kids in now.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz 🤣🤣🤣 oh gosh and invite even more grey hairs into the mix.

Ok I'm going to do it! He is going to the shop 🤦🏽‍♀️

You must have been a sahm. Most parents don't have that luxury.

@Winniethepoohandtiggertoo stunned at my post?!
I didn't wrap my 22 year old in cotton wool and he was doing all those things at 11. But my middle son is very different in lots of ways and our area isn't as nice as it used to be so it's more worry than treating him like a baby. But thanks for your input

Yes I am stunned. We can't be as Liberal as our parents were, but I have an 11yo dd in primary and she can:-

• take herself to school and back on foot
• take herself off to various friends houses and back on foot
• take herself to the local pool and library and back on foot
• nip to the shop for various bits for her or us
• stay at home for up to an hour alone (daylight)
• take herself off to the local playground with a friend and be back at an agreed time

We are soon to work on the following:-

• catching the right busses alone
• wandering around the nearest mall/shopping area with a friend, no adults
• letting herself into an empty house after school and being fine alone for a couple of hours

Oh, and I live in a right shit hole it's not quite gang culture or knife crime, so fair dos if yours is, I'd be more wary, but ours is definetly an area of mass deprivation and it looks and feels it.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz That’s basically the level of independence an 11 year old should be able to manage.

I’m amazed that an 11 year old boy walking for what, 20 minutes? During working hours is seen as inherently dangerous and something that needs to be ‘worked up to’.

It’s getting silly now, to be honest. OP just send him out for a practice run on a lunchtime at the weekend and then off for the real thing when the time comes. You’re massively overthinking this.

@savoycabbage
This sounds good. We will try this tomorrow as baby is at nursery so will be easier without her

Why can't he go into a shop, buy what he wants and leave? He's really going to struggle at secondary if this is genuine

Yep from the age of 11 my kids took a bus and a train to school with a 10-15 walk the other end. I gradually taught them to cross a road safely every time we went for a walk. I allowed (encouraged) them to walk the 2.5 miles home from school from aged 10. I, myself was doing a paper round at 11 and biking it to school most days.

OP. I think it is fab you have realised this now and not in August. 6 months is masses of time to build those skills.

I agree with PuttingDowns suggestions. And yes definitely get him to go into shops to buy things.

Write down a list of skills he'll need in September and work out plans how to get there. Including who to ask for help if on his own, navigating, organising possessions, looking after a door key, crossing roads etc.

On the way to and from school he may well get away with 'cross when the big kids do'. With My DD there were lollipop people but not after after school activities, so i picked her up from them for most of y7. Then we went one half term and crossed the dodgy road backwards and forwards until I was confident she was OK (has dyspraxia so judging things was hard for her).

you start practising with him now

@Winniethepoohandtiggertoo and @BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Yes I know and I don't want to be driving him around at 35. I feel very anxious about it and I'm definitely over thinking it to the point I'm making myself sick.
Again I never felt like this with my older son so don't know why I'm in my head so much.

Even my 8yo (year 3) "walks" me home. So when we walk home together he is in charge of the roads and the route. Obviously I wouldn't let him walk into traffic, but it's up to him to say when it's safe for us both to cross, and it's up to him to decide whether we go via route a or route b.

Thanks @TeenDivided obviously other PP think otherwise.
I will try all these suggestions though as it's clear I'm doing wrong by him

Agree with PP - start now and build up slowly. He will learn quickly. So this week walk to/from school together and discuss crossing the road safely. Next week say you will meet him part way. After half term a bit further again.

Today, send him into the shop to buy something with you waiting outside - he'll be completely fine I promise. Next week let him go there by himself.

Do any other children from school walk by themselves at the moment? My DS is in year 6 and loves walking with his mates.

There will be lots of people saying he doesn't need a phone, and of course it's true he doesn't, but if it gives you both some reassurance then go for it.

DT’s went to school by Tube. We went with them until they went to senior school and then they went on their own although they frequently met friends along the way. There was a short walk from home to Tube and then Tube to school.

Thank you so much @Notjusta there is one who starts a bitt further up from us so I'm going to talk to her mum today to see if he can walk with her

Sorry but how can an 11 year old not be trusted to cross the road safely. I walked to school on my own since age 9. You need to enable his independence

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz
I have an 11 year old in year and would like her to be able to do everything on your list but we live on a busy A road and there is not really anywhere walkable from our house - so she can't pop to the shop or walk to school etc. Maybe the OP lives somewhere similar?
I am trying to work on increasing her independence as she will need to get the bus when she goes to secondary school.

Unless his secondary has an absolute no phones rule, there is a lot to be said for getting the phone now. He can get used to being responsible for it, charging it etc and have time for the novelty to wear off. We are all on ASDA PAYG bundles, no contracts and only £4 or £5 monthly with limited data.

The main thing is he is ready with all this stuff by Secondary. He doesn't need to have been doing it for 3 years already. Other things you may need to think about are what socialising might he get asked to, so bus / cinema / train even if not needed for to/from school.

Can he walk to/from his current school? DS started this in year 5 so was ready for walking to bus stop etc by year 7. Get him posting letters and popping to the shop on his own.

This. And I'd say the same of many ND kids too.

One of our friends has a son who is autistic and has ADHD. His maturity is much younger than his actual age and he only managed to stay in mainstream school by the skin of his teeth. He's 11. He walks about the same distance to school by himself.

It's not about the capability of the OPs child nor any one else's child - it's about the OP smothering her child and being ridiculously over anxious.

Given it's currently February, that's a whole six months for her son to learn to walk and go by themselves to places, my mind boggles even further. There's plenty of time for her son to take responsibility for themselves in a way that's completely age appropriate.

The problem here is the OP hasn't thought about preparing her child to be independent which is what parenting is. The OP needs to address the anxiety issue she has just as much as the child needs to be given the opportunity to walk anywhere by themselves.

The cotton wool brigade do not do kids any favours by not encouraging stepped independence and then panicking that they haven't when they realise it might be a problem.

Getting him to walk home or partway home from primary by himself would be a start. Or going to the shop. And making sure this normal activity isn't treated like a massive drama or big deal would be helpful too.

Yes that's true, environment can affect what they can freely do. Might be nice in your case to go together to a safe High Street and sit yourself in a coffee shop while she pops into one or two nearby shops. Also, consider if driving her to school/collecting her, parking up a safe walkable distance from the school so she has that time alone to work things out.

An 11 year old should be able to cross an A road. It's age appropriate.