So worried about my 11yr old DS walking home from school - How to prepare him

[doublechocolatedigestives]

Just some advice or tips to calm my nerves.
My 11 year old is due to start high school in September.
I've always had a car so he isn't very streetwise and doesn't look when crossing the road etc (no matter how many times I tell him)

I'm looking to return to work so wouldn't be able to pick him up and I really want to save on after school club fees.

My problem is, people are telling me to throw him in the deep end and get him to start coming home alone. I plan to get him a phone but when I envision him leaving school and coming home I feel like something dreadful will happen.
We live 1.2 miles from the school. He could either walk the whole way or get a bus

There is a girl who is in his class and I was thinking to let him walk with her but the majority of the journey would be by himself

Any advice?

i don’t live in a village either, a large city in fact.

Its not a matter of superiority, but you’re saying your kids are not streetwise as if this was something that just happened to you. It’s your job to make them streetwise! No child is born knowing how to cross the road or go into a shop, you prepare them.

Plenty of time to get him ready for this. Start by dropping him at the end of the street not the school gates of his current school. At pick up, get him to walk to the end of the street. Then extend this to two streets away each time.

At weekends, encourage him to go with a friend or two to the nearest shop to buy asweets or an ice cream, a lego mini or a magazine (use a treat as an incentive at first). On ce he;s done it a few times, ask him to go alone to pick up a pint of milk for you.

Take the bus with him a few times towards the new school. Then do it with you not sitting beside him. then do it with him taking the bus alone and you driving to collect him at the other end. Then with you dropping him at school and him getting the bus back. (You can fiollow the bus in your car if you are scared.

But you also need to overcome your fear. It is extremely important that DC learn we think they are capable of surviving in the world without our constant imput.

@Gawpygertie aww I could hug you.
Yes all of Pinky's replies are rude. She is obviously a fantastic parent that has no worries for her perfect capable children

I once had to do a course on teaching every-day skills to adults with learning disabilities, which included walking from home to college. My colleague who had younger children applied the training to them, and it worked. It's practice, mainly. So, do the walk with him first, discussing with him which are the safest crossing places, and why. Then do it again as soon as you can, with him leading and explaining to you which are the safest crossing spaces, and why. Then whenever you walk anywhere, get him to lead and do the same. You may need to do this several times over the holidays until it becomes normal for him to look both ways, etc..
When my own children started to walk to and from school alone, I asked them to never vary their route, in case I ever needed to pick them up in case of an emergency.

Children in Japan walk themselves to school aged 5. I’m sure he’ll be fine once you allow him some freedom.

@Esquire3 I have an old iPhone that I've just ordered a giff gaff SIM card for so I will put the life 360 tracker on there so I can keep an eye.
We will trial the bus ride home this afternoon and I'll get him to guide me.
I told him this and he's excited so I think it will be ok

You need to build up to it, start with sending him to the post box or corner shop, perhaps let him wander around the mall on his own/with friends whilst you are shopping in different shops. Take a bus instead of driving places. Mine took the bus to school from 10.

Surely road safety is something you start teaching way before this car or not?! An 11 year old should be able to do this. Yes of course it's worrying children walking alone by the side of the road.
However, are there more dangers or do we just perceive the world to be more dangerous? I used to get the public bus home from primary from age 10 and then walk a mile. My son used to get the train from the south west to London to see his father from the same age. He's now early teens and in early 30's so I wouldn't like to think I'm too ancient!

DD in year 5 does this. Has a phone so I can track location. Just do the route a few times and let them crack on

A mobile phone isn’t going to help him cross the road. In fact it’s a distraction.

start getting him to walk now. With you behind him. Not next to him. And build up.

On Monday leave the car at home and start getting the bus to and from school after Easter walk him there and back. After May half term le him get himself to school and back.

Aren't children taught how to cross the road safely almost as soon as they can walk? Im amazed that an 11 year old can't be trusted to cross the road.

Independence is a gradual process, don't feel you need to push him too quickly, make a plan in your mind to build up to the point where around 18/19 he functions as an independent adult, that is what we are all looking for (some take even longer alas but you get my gist)

Can he hold a knife and fork?

It is February, plenty of time to practise the route, and alternative routes just in case. He will also be seven months older, taller, and more mature.

My year 7 child started walking to school this year. (She also walked to primary school but it was much nearer - this is a 30 minute walk/1.4 miles). She walks with friends - they meet at the same place every day and they either walk back or occasionally get the bus. If there's one friend he can walk with, that's great. Maybe there will be more children that they'll meet at transition days or when they start. Is there a Facebook page or similar for new joiners? - there may be more who'd like to walk with them.

We made sure they'd done the walk (on their own) before they started school properly so that they weren't worried about where to go on the first day of school. That was on the transition day, which they also walked to and from. They get used to it very quickly and she is now very confident about getting around both by walking and on the bus.

I didn't ever want to give lifts because it could easily have become expected, esp if the weather was bad. So far I've had to take something she forgot into school once – on a really bad traffic day. It took me well over an hour to get there and back at that time of day (I work from home).

They grow up so quick in year 7 he will surprise you. He may not always behave sensibly what teenager does but he will learn quickly

I think most parents worry when children first start walking places by themselves, but you have to deal with this and not pass it on to him.

Build up to more independence little by little, but keep pushing it. Don't let your anxiety hold him back. Do as much of your travelling together on foot as you possibly can. Children who are walking with parents are going to naturally develop more situational awareness than children who are being driven about. Children who are driven everywhere often don't even know their way around their own neighbourhoods and towns. The world whizzes past the window and they don't have a clue where they actually are, where they have to turn right, etc.

On the other hand, some of them switch their brains off to a certain extent when they know that Mum is there and in charge. They can sometimes go into passenger mode despite the fact that they are walking themselves. They suddenly become an awful lot more responsible and careful when they are actually by themselves (not just with getting around, but with all tasks actually).

In the mean time, before you are ready to let him go fully solo, make him take charge. Make him engage his brain. He leads the way. He says when it's time to cross.

I would be worried that a brand new phone will be a danger tbh. He might be glued to it and not look up properly to check. Seen SO many teens like this.

Is there a way to enable it only for calls at least at first? No internet?

He needs to walk with you for a while before doing it on his own. Not clear to me if you have done this or not.

Echoing what everyone else has said but maybe now’s the time to start looking into an activity after school/weekends so he can make more friends outside school.

Maybe see if the girl who’ll walk part way to/from school with him would be up for a Starbucks/Costa etc coffee/local town trip with him, by themselves one weekend or in school holidays.

As others have said I was walking to abd from school but with a younger brother from age 9 if my DM wasn’t around. Was also going with him or our best mates by bus or train to local towns to eg swimming/ cinema etc. no mobile phones around then but we always had money for a pay phone and I think only once something was up with the bus running and stepdad came past in his car and offered us a lift.

Any dodgy people around we had the sense to avoid them. We were sent to the local shop for sweets or our mums from the age of 8 or so but all the kids were doing this and it wasn’t a posh area either!

You could also go with him to eg Costa via bus or train not car so he gets used to that journey.

Before you know it he’ll be fine.

look at the sites or apps people have suggested for safety but also have a chat with him re this, run through scenarios so he’d know what to if he was alone and doesn’t freeze.

When my son started high school, he rarely looked properly when crossing roads. We got him a mobile, and installed a tracker (Life360) which tracks the walked journey.
we then did a couple of test runs, and I found the safest route. He has to stick to that route, and I can check on the app. If he doesn’t, there are consequences, such as an early night etc. he’s year 8 now, and it seems to have worked.

Definitely walk with him at first to places but set in place times when he either does it by himself or with a similar aged child (maybe older?).

It’s your responsibility in year 6ft o get him
prepped to be able to
do all of these things for when he starts school. What do you think is going to happen.’he could be in your car and crash. Start small by asking him to go the the local shop by himself. I even walked the route of the bus stop with mine and showed them where they needed to cross- told them they can only cross roads on the main high street where there are tradffic lights. Honestly don’t you walk anywhere with him a lot of this should already be instilled in him.’

I think this is good but suppose he can’t go that route for whatever reason, do you have a strategy in place where he can go smoother route?

Also some if not most kids will be tempted to veer off the safe path once in a while and as they age also partly out of curiosity. A punishment for them doing this will just encourage lying about it I’d guess.

Agreed, I live in London and have never had a car, so my kids have been walking, using buses and tubes etc. their whole lives.

We always walked to primary school (a longish way and crossing some major roads) so by the time my eldest started secondary she was very familiar with the journey.

It's still nerve-wracking and 11-year-olds are at risk of not paying attention, which is all the more reason to get them walking as much as possible - driving them to and from school, as a pp suggested, doesn't solve the problem at all.