So worried about my 11yr old DS walking home from school - How to prepare him

[doublechocolatedigestives]

Just some advice or tips to calm my nerves.
My 11 year old is due to start high school in September.
I've always had a car so he isn't very streetwise and doesn't look when crossing the road etc (no matter how many times I tell him)

I'm looking to return to work so wouldn't be able to pick him up and I really want to save on after school club fees.

My problem is, people are telling me to throw him in the deep end and get him to start coming home alone. I plan to get him a phone but when I envision him leaving school and coming home I feel like something dreadful will happen.
We live 1.2 miles from the school. He could either walk the whole way or get a bus

There is a girl who is in his class and I was thinking to let him walk with her but the majority of the journey would be by himself

Any advice?

I have just been through this with youngest. I started with watching her and asking her to make the decision in when it was ok to cross. She then started meeting me a little further away from the school.

I'd plan a route - see if there is a safer walk. Eg my dd can get off at one of two bus stops. One just has the main road crossing to get to our house the other has a nasty side road with bad visibility so I ask her to get off at the other bus stop.

Oh, I remember this conundrum!

Get him going to the shops. It will help.

Start walking to and from school with him now, even my 5 year old knows the basics of how to cross a road because we’ve been doing it every day together for years. Driving everywhere is doing him no favours.

Just make sure he is aware, my 11 yr old son got asked by a man in a car if he could help him with a tv, either get the tv in the car or out, my son just ignored him and carried on walking, also he was asked by an older man when he was walking back alone if they could use his phone, as theirs had run out of charge, my son didn't have a phone back then.

I think a lot of the issue is your anxiety tbh - to say you feel sick about these things is such an over-reaction!

My y6 dd (who is 10) can go into a shop --why can't your son? It's not hard
She walks from and to school alone, along a busy road with more than one road to cross
She will walk the dogs around the block (reluctantly)
will stay at home on her own until one of her siblings is at home.

I agree you need to start preparing him now. He'll be fine, but you need to let him do it for a bit.

This

Yeah I agree. It’s absolutely shocking that an eleven year old cannot cross roads or manage a short journey to school ( yes, a mile or two is short). No wonder so many kids are overweight, and have poor mental health when the live such limited lives and don’t have a chance to grow and develop normally and develop basic independence skills ( and the social and cognitive skills children learn free of constant adult supervision).

it’s not great for the kids and it’s not good for parents whose lives are dominated by ferrying, supervising and managing their children’s lives.

@SummerWinds yes! One of my main concerns as several boroughs surrounding us have had men approaching kids in vans.
I talk to him about this all the time.

I was never this anxious when I was a younger mum but as I've aged bloody hell I worry about everything.
😢

My dd had a moment of madness crossing the road when she was young. I found some age appropriate road safety videos online which helped.

Otherwise I'd say practise and practise every step and crossing.

Walking with friends is a good idea. I started DS walking to and from school with a friend on our street from Y6 and he meets a friend about a quarter of the way in to secondary. Primary was about 1 mile, secondary 1.5. DS has ADHD, but is generally quite good with roads. I still do worry now and then but they have to learn.

We started letting both kids run errands to the corner shop from age 8, but then we had a shop only about 30m away with no crossings. It helped both us and them.

I think I would work on road safety with him between now and then, but if he hasn't got the hang of it consider driving him part or all of the way. My autistic 11yo is highly intelligent, in a mainstream secondary school, confident in shops etc but she's not yet road safe. We tried in the Christmas holidays and a car really had to slow down for her. That's when she was paying attention, it's even worse if she's distracted and just steps out.

You are just admitting what the problem is. The problem isn't his ability. It's your anxiety. And I think you need to work on this just as much as giving him the chance to be independent.

Yes kids develop at different rates, but genuinely by 11, parents should have got to the point where they have taught their kids this. It's clearly the result of parents driving everywhere not that children lack ability.

If the kid I know, can manage it at 11, really the vast majority of kids should be able to manage it with only a few kids with SEN being the exception (and he's got significant needs too). It's not a development milestone in the same way as other things - it's a necessary skill for daily life like reading and writing. Being 'illiterate' at road safety going into high school, isn't about maturity levels.

If you don't address it soon - especially in a rougher area - he's going to even less streetwise in other ways, and that leaves him vulnerable in other ways.

It's actually less safe around 11-13 as that's the age older males go for. My brother was mugged at knifepoint 7 times on the way to and from school in just one term.
The "just get streetwise" attitude is exactly why we have toxic masculinity: if we cared about the violence our children face, we might teach them to behave differently.
I used to get yelled at by homeless people, bullied repeatedly by a bus conductor and ran the gauntlet of blokes standing on street corners trying to persuade passing 12+ year old girls to work for them as "models."
We also had constant bomb scares and bomb defusings, police sirens everywhere and had to run home on a number of occasions.
It might have made me streetwise, but I think it's made me more wary and more aware.

Do a few practices with him to be confident he knows the way. Show him where to cross and how to check its safe each time etc. If he has a phone, show him how to use Google maps etc (just in case of getting confused and needing to problem solve!). Then get him to walk on a day you are at home so you can be there when he gets in. Get him to ring you when he leaves school so you know when to expect him. It'll get easier with practice...for both of you

Thank you @Zola1 - that is what I've planned to do.
He will walk half way with the girl in the morning (I spoke to her mum and she is happy to have him join her)
Then after school I'll take the bus to the school and meet him and get him to direct me home.
And then Monday we will do more practices 🙂

My youngest was very sick at transition (inflammatory bowel disease flare) and couldn't walk far. I still dropped her off at a friend's house 5 min from school so she could be as independent as possible despite being ill.

Start meeting him near his school and walking home with him; gradually meet him further away until he is walking home. Practice your secondary route over the Summer. And he definitely needs to run errands to the corner shop!

I appreciate you have taken on board advice about building up from where you have got yourselves to at this point, and starting walking with him from tomorrow is great, but this comment Then after school I'll take the bus to the school and meet him and get him to direct me home. is really telling about how little you must walk, and therefore, presumably you walk as a family.

Why don't you just walk to meet him ?
From now on, walk everywhere with him. He has a lot of making up to do in terms of making judgements about crossing roads etc, that dc normally do from then they are pre-schoolers.

@UsingChangeofName

I would've normally walked to do this but I've not long had surgery so walking there and back would be really painful.
Walking back from the school will be all I can manage for a few more weeks

Okay, obviously we were not to know that, but it doesn't explain why he hasn't been walking anywhere for all the rest of the years.

I mean, obviously you don't have to share any information about your life on here - totally appreciate that - but the whole 'being used to being around roads / crossing roads / being aware of driveways, or other places where a vehicle might cross a pavement / sensible behaviour / stupid behaviour / judging speeds / crossing when poor visibility' stuff is something we all build up with experience.
At this stage in Yr6, most will be moving on to the 'walking alone' stage and beginning to become familiar with the route to the new school over the Summer.

@UsingChangeofName yes I get you.
It's something that me and the family have discussed that at 11 there are certain things he can't do. Shoelaces for example. He has been shown since the dawn of time how to do them. Tips and tricks. YouTube videos. Yet he still can't do them.
I haven't kept him cooped up for his whole life, we walk down to our local Tesco or go for walks along the lake, I take him and the baby to the local park with his scooter. There was a year when I didn't have a car and we had to do school run on the bus. Everyday I still had to warn him about looking left and right, zebra crossings etc. for whatever reason it doesn't stick.
I am on the waiting list for an autism assessment to see if that can explain why after doing some things repeatedly he still doesn't get it

Talk about a drip feed. 🤦🏽‍♀️

Mine both walked to primary school solo, so had some practice before going to secondary.

dd1 just went off with all her mates ti walk to school, it was about 1.5 miles or just under, but so many children walk, I wasn’t worried

dd2 had a 3 miles journey so went on public bus, then walk 10 minutes the other end. I practiced with her before - she got like st the first time and then we did it again and she was fine. Dd2 used to text me in the mornings “I’m on the bus mum” and at night “ I’m home now” I never asked her to but liked that she did

op it’s going to be fine

As well as Autism, check the criteria for dyspraxia as they overlap and can also be comorbid.

We have a similar issue, yea to the walking with friends. Also my DH will take him that way regularly between now and September whilst walking the dog to get used to the roads and what to do - good luck