Is this normal 😩…

[Breeze03]

I’m a first time mum to DD who is 9 weeks. My partner and I have a strict ‘no kissing her’ rule which everyone has been told and told why…

A few family members have done so regardless. When these specific family members hold her now, I get agitated and internally stressed.

my MIL - who’s prone to getting cold sores - has done so a couple of times and says ‘she just doesn’t think and it was normal when she had kids’.

now because she’s done it a few times, I feel as though she seems to think it’s okay. But now I’m paranoid to have her around the baby.

my own mum has told me this isn’t normal and shouldn’t be affecting how I feel so much…

advice please?

Well, as a blanket rule, I think that is very unusual and your anxiety may be taking over here. But in the case of someone with cold sores then that's different.

As a blanket rule YABU.

with someone who has the herpes virus as that what cold sores are then YANBU. I would be fucking furious.

It's a tricky one. But the worst thing about all this is you've made your feelings known and your family aren't respecting that. Newborns are much more susceptible to colds, coughs etc. You can tell your MIL the cold sore virus can be and has been fatal for some newborns (a very tiny amount but that isn't the point).
At what age will you be happy for your family members to kiss your baby? Once 3 months won't be a newborn anymore and will hopefully have developed a decent immune system which will continue to strengthen as they get older. I know on a personal level feeling anxious about baby and germs etc. Especially in this post pandemic era, but ultimately we have to let it go because you can't wrap them in cotton wool forever.

I do think you're being a bit OTT, as long as your MIL doesn't have active coldsores it will be fine.

My partner and I have never kissed her. So it’s not only a rule for other family members. If we’re able to not do it, I don’t understand why it’s so hard for someone else.
Had asked MIL to watch baby for 1hr a week so I could do a gym glass or things about the house. The. whilst I was there she kissed baby again so that has been me anxious about it since…

Posted too soon! You and your partner need to remind your family of your rule and reasons why. Perhaps send them some info on why cold sores are so dangerous for newborns.

If your feelings of anxiety around this continue after baby is no longer newborn you may want to consider self referring for some CBT for post natal anxiety. It is very normal to have PNA but once it starts impacting on your life to the point you don't want certain people holding your child etc. And feeling really tense when people are holding them, then it's important to address it so you can properly enjoy the early years with your new little one.

You don’t kiss your own baby? Why not?

that's incredibly odd and sad that you don't kiss your own baby. .

Ignoring your rule about other people - it's really important to kiss your baby, especially if you're breastfeeding!! Please kiss them. And with all the kindness in the world because I made the same rule and had the same levels of stress around family - consider asking to speak to your GP about post natal anxiety.

I would say it is not normal not to kiss your own child.
I don't recall anyone trying to kiss my kids, but have your husband speak to his mother about this, however I imagine she'll do it regardless.

Ah I think they're being unreasonable for not listening to your wishes but I think you're worrying about this a bit too much too. It's very sad that you don't kiss your own baby and I've never heard this said before. Do you have health anxiety about other things?

Babies get colds, they just do. They don't die from them! They also need kisses, especially from their mum and dad and loving grandparents (altho maybe not when someone has a cold sore)

You haven't kissed your own baby in 9 weeks? That strikes me as more strange.

OP, maybe visit the GP or speak to your HV and chat this over with them. Seems like an usual amount of anxiety.

I understand why someone with active cold sores shouldnt be kissing your baby though

Oh OP re Herpes then of course no kisses! But you should be absolutely kissing your baby!!! All over lots and lots and lots of kisses!!!!!!

You've never kissed your own baby? WTF? That is so incredibly sad. If your anxiety is that severe I think you need to speak to your GP urgently.

What is the reason for the no kissing rule? Just cold sores or something else?

She should respect your rule-
however your rules are bat shit crazy- you haven’t kissed your newborn wtf. !

Oh wow. If anyone can kiss her, you can. She was literally inside your body. Kiss your baby. I agree about MIL with cold sores, that’s a hard no.

We have both agreed that it’s something we never want is other people kissing her… I don’t really see this changing either. But as for ourselves it’s undetermined. Not until she’s a lot bigger anyways.

In the nicest possible way OP, you need to get some help here. Your anxiety is out of control and, unchecked, could do far more damage to your baby that kisses.

If you think you are protecting your child, by trying to minimise exposure to germs, you’re actually doing the opposite.

If you google ‘hygiene hypothesis’ or just ‘is exposure to germs good for children’ then you will see many many articles explaining how we need exposure to germs to build a healthy immune system (and reduce likelihood of other conditions such as asthma).

Baby's are a lot stronger than we think. I completely understand not letting certain people kiss your baby.

You and your partner are her parents she needs your kisses as part of her development. She is part of you, she grew inside you. Grandparents kisses and cuddles are also very important.

Baby's also needs germs so they can develop an immune system.

My daughter has always been kissed and cuddles off immediate family and some friends. She is a very healthy, happy and loving 7 year old, who is never poorly.

It's very difficult becoming a parent for the first time, knowing what to do and what not to do. You will figure it out x

Why don't you kiss her? I've never heard of this.I have heard of people preferring wider family and friends not to kiss newborns in case of herpes ( which of course an awful lot of us carry) but not depriving a baby of its immediate family's kisses or indeed kisses being restricted as the baby ages from others who love the child.

are you seriously saying you don't kiss your own baby?

a quick kiss on the forehead is a quick (and remarkably accurate) way to check if your baby has a fever, so kissing baby's forehead often is a traditional way to check that baby is healthy and well.

you could be cautious about a kiss on the lips, but a kiss on the forehead is good for the baby.

You don't kiss your own child?! That really isn't normal at all. Physical affection such as cuddles and kisses are developmentally essential! She will not thrive without them