Is this normal 😩…

[Breeze03]

I’m a first time mum to DD who is 9 weeks. My partner and I have a strict ‘no kissing her’ rule which everyone has been told and told why…

A few family members have done so regardless. When these specific family members hold her now, I get agitated and internally stressed.

my MIL - who’s prone to getting cold sores - has done so a couple of times and says ‘she just doesn’t think and it was normal when she had kids’.

now because she’s done it a few times, I feel as though she seems to think it’s okay. But now I’m paranoid to have her around the baby.

my own mum has told me this isn’t normal and shouldn’t be affecting how I feel so much…

advice please?

Around the time I found out I was pregnant there was lots of videos coming up on my feeds etc regarding HSV and babies. Was mentioned to DP and it was just ‘no one kisses her’. Was mentioned to family when she was a newborn, then of course some done so anyways. My own DM would do it on her shoulder when leaving but others who did it was for instance side of her face close to her eye.
I defo have anxiety surrounding factors like all new mums and by no means am I not well 🤣. And as previously stated I don’t not want to kiss her. The thought is persistent! It was the anxiety surrounding it.
Thanks to the people who have highlighted it’s fine and to chill out a bit regarding it.

Your poor baby never being kissed 😞. They will get comforted by kisses and if you 'Eskimo kiss' or the like what is the difference?

I totally agree no one with cold sores should be kissing them (while active cold sore), and agree others shouldn't kiss on the lips, but why can't anyone kiss them on forehead/head?

I can see why you wouldn't kiss them on the lips yourselves as well, but please give them kisses on forehead or something so they know they're loved!

You don't kiss your baby? Why not?
I'm wondering how you can resist as they smell so gorgeous and you're their parents.
Mine were smothered with kisses from me and their dad, second ones older sister, family members.
They're happy healthy successful adults now and still get kissed by their parents and grandparents, aunts and uncles etc. we all kiss on the cheek when we open the door and vice versa.
Active cold sores I'd have an issue with but otherwise, kiss!

Op doesn't sound anxious?

I defo have anxiety surrounding factors like all new mums and by no means am I not well 🤣

Some anxiety about things is normal (but some ftm's are not anxious at all) but shaker to the extent your are always of kissing her is so far beyond the realms of normal mum anxiety that I really do think it's worth talking to your GP about. It's a huge red flag that something isn't right

It's absolutely fine to ask people not to kiss your child. Especially people with cold sores. I worry about this too. All you can do is keep reminding people and challenge them if they refuse to do as you ask.

the fact you’re not kissing your own baby either I find a bit OTT. Unless you have a coldsore. I personally had no rules around kissing my babies. I was happy for family members to, the fact you’re now not happy with her own grandma around her as she’s wants to show her affection shows a bit odd to me. That said if my brother and SIL asked me not to kiss my nephew who is a newborn I’d respect that, but it can be natural to do it without thinking

Oh my god, I can't believe you and your DH have never kissed your baby

Why are people not reading the updates? OP has acknowledged she’s being OTT over not kissing the baby herself, no need to keep on at her, it’s becoming unpleasant.

Go and give her a big kiss now, shower her with kisses.
If you are feeling nervous, just use a wipe on your face first, then go for it.

i find this very odd, I kiss my baby all the time!! Do you guys permanently have active cold sores or something?

Whilst you are entirely right re stopping those with active or regular cold sores from kissing your baby I think the fact neither you nor your partner will either does indicate that you are exceptionally over anxious.

Oh OP... please kiss your baby. They are only tiny for such a small period of time.

I know its an anxious time but your thoughts and anxiety is not normal. I'm worried you'll look back (once you're out of this new mum fog) and be really very sad and regretful that you didn't savour kissing your tiny baby's bouncy little cheeks.

My baby is almost 1 now and I would give so much to cuddle him as a little newborn again and feel his chubby cheeks as I kiss them. He's still adorable now (even more so actually, as he's so much fun), but the opportunity to kiss his little face whilst he sleeps on me has now gone (sleeps in cot as its far too much fun to sleep on/with mummy!).

Babies need some germs after all. You can see by the many many PP saying to kiss baby that nothing terrible will happen. We've all kissed our beautiful babes and they're now growing into healthy young toddlers/children. FWIW, give it a few months and baby will be licking the floor, eating old bits of food they magically discover and sharing toys at playgroup/nursery that another toddler (usually one with a snotty nose) has just had a good chew on! It's what they do, its how the learn and its how they develop that budding immune system that they need.

When my first niece was born our grandmother made a rule to only kiss the babies on the very back of the head, and barely touch them. You can suggest something like this...

Do you and your partner kiss each other?

Totally agree. It makes me so annoyed all the people that aren’t educated in how dangerous it is and that they could pass on a cold or something similar which could be fatal to a newborn. I also don’t know why family members have such a hard time following simple rules you’ve set out.

By the time you have your 2nd child this won't be a concern, but your child your rules.

I defo have anxiety surrounding factors like all new mums and by no means am I not well 🤣

With respect, not kissing your baby is not "normal new mum" anxiety.

You sound quite level headed but this degree of anxiety about germs etc suggests other underlying anxieties.

My concern would be a) that you don't pass this sort of health anxiety onto your child and b) that its not great for a child to grow up in an environment where an instinctive human reaction which shows affection is restricted in this way.

And its not a matter of "integrating it into a routine" its just something you should really be doing instinctively and without evening thinking about.

This isn't intended as a judgement but I think you need to take a step back and ask yourself where this attitude has come from and seek to correct it because it does have the risk of being far more damaging to your baby long term than the risk of picking up a few viruses

OP this is not normal in any way. You should be kissing your child. It's actually a really important natural process for baby's immune system to be kissed by their parents. Fair enough if you don't want others to kiss her, but seriously not kissing your own baby is beyond sad, and actually detrimental to both physical and mental health.

Your poor baby needs to be kissed by you and the Dad. It is human and important along with all the other kissing stroking, snuggling a baby needs.

As to the healthy grandparents/aunts you are being a bit odd and unreasonable not letting them kiss the baby and baby would benefit from feeling their love as well as yours. The granny with the coldsores however should do as she is asked and not kiss the baby.

You do seem to need to some help with anxiety and should speak to your health visitor and GP.

I am prone to coldsores and when we had DD I told everyone no one could kiss her. And I meant no one, I felt that not only is it scary worrying about people with coldsores but with me her mum not being able to kiss her then why should anyone else. My friend who doesn't suffer with coldsores also had the same rule. Both our MIL ignored it and most of my exH family in general didn't see the fuss but I ended up refusing to take DD round if they couldn't follow one simple rule

OP totally get the MIL thing. Would be infuriating if they suffer from cold sores (although it’s fine for other family members to kiss on the head or cheek etc if they don’t get cold sores)
Im glad you are acknowledging that you have been over cautious.
However, don’t wait another week to change this. Every day that goes by you are missing the lovely feeling of kissing your babies face. It goes so fast and before you know it she will be at pre school. Kissing her face and skin is important for her and you. Getting a tingly feeling in your lips (with no previous cold sores) is not a reason to not kiss her.
I am also worried that this is the first of many anxieties and fixations you may have around your child. There are so many ‘possibly dangers’ and for some mums it just seems easier to restrict, to ban, to Wrap in cotton wool but anxiety can be very harmful for the child in the long run. Anxiety is incredibly infectious between child and parent. It can be picked up on from a very young age so please be aware and vigilant of how your behaviours affect your child in future months and years

This might be a bit left field but is there any chance you have allergies which might be causing the tingling in your lips you’ve mentioned? I ask because I get that from oranges (I now avoid them), and don’t have cold sores at all. Just in case it might put your mind at rest on the cold sore front.

I did the same with my toddler. I had a no kissing on lips rule until 3 months old.

my mum forgot and kissed him when he was 8 weeks old and I panicked! All is well, I think in the beginning you are far more anxious about germs etc. it all changed for me when he was 13 months old and ate dried bird poo off a trampoline, I was horrified!! It was actually a turning point for me though, I stopped sterilising dummies and just washed them and generally just stoped being a germaphobe.

my advice, don’t worry, baby will be fine and lovely.

I think its enormously sad that you don't kiss your own baby. 😥