Is this normal 😩…

[Breeze03]

I’m a first time mum to DD who is 9 weeks. My partner and I have a strict ‘no kissing her’ rule which everyone has been told and told why…

A few family members have done so regardless. When these specific family members hold her now, I get agitated and internally stressed.

my MIL - who’s prone to getting cold sores - has done so a couple of times and says ‘she just doesn’t think and it was normal when she had kids’.

now because she’s done it a few times, I feel as though she seems to think it’s okay. But now I’m paranoid to have her around the baby.

my own mum has told me this isn’t normal and shouldn’t be affecting how I feel so much…

advice please?

I'm genuinely surprised you don't kiss your baby. It's just not something I could resist! It's one of the joys of having a baby! Then they start kissing you back, all open mouthed and slobbery and it's lovely!

Thanks for all your replies.
For the people commenting, of course I WANT to kiss my baby. It would genuinely be worrying if I didn’t want too.
I’ve perhaps took the whole ‘don’t kiss a newborn thing’ and ran with it.
I have mentioned I get tingling sensations on my lips and for instance today, the whole Cupid’s bow area is tingling (however I don’t get cold sores) this makes me paranoid to do so.
I will takes peoples advice and bring it up to my HV. I’m aware most of you replying do kiss your baby and have since they were born. So, for someone anxious about it, when would DD immune system be a bit stronger (in terms of months).

I can’t believe this is real. I understand the cold sores thing fair enough. But you or your partner have never kissed her?!
What about grandparents who don’t have cold sores or aunts and uncles? At what age are you going to allow kisses?

I can't imagine having never kissed my baby. I kiss my DD frequently, if she's within hugging distance she's getting a smooch. She'll get sick of it before me I'm sure but that day hasn't come yet.

I can understand not wanting those with active cold sores kissing her, my mum suffers with them and she never kisses DD during a flare but I do think you are being very overly cautious.

No one except DP and my mum has had DD for a few hrs. We thought it would be a good idea especially since when I go back to work she’d be one of the people to help out.

She’s only 9 weeks old. She’s absolutely tiny and new and has no to be socialised or get used to other people than you and her dad. Have you heard of the 4th trimester? If you want to go to a class and MIL is happy to have her while you’re doing it then that’s great but your baby doesn’t need to be in the sole care of other people at this point unless you want her to be and there’s presumably many months before she’s in any sort of childcare when you go back to work. She’s not going to get used to it at 9 weeks. She barely knows she’s been born.

I get cold sores, I'm so careful if I get a tingle etc! I never kissed my newborn on the face (kissed her on the head and everywhere else!!) she was only moments old when I kissed her lovely little head!!
When her little cheeks became bigger I kissed her cheeks. The irresistible place is kissing their little necks!!
The only person I mouth kiss is my husband.
I don't understand why you won't kiss your baby. It sounds like you have some issues that you should discuss with your GP or health visitor.
Never needed a no kissing rule in my family or friends! No one kissed her face, just the top of her head. That was grandparents and aunties/uncles.

This is such bizarre behaviour. You need to seek help for your anxiety. So sad your 9 week old baby has never been kissed

How long is the no kissing rule lasting for?

Again thanks for replies.
Maybe a chat with HV about specific issues is wise - along with the whole kissing debacle, the thought of going back to work has me awake at night - with a newborn who’s sleeping soundly. I will have to go back to work earlier as I stopped 2 months prior due to sciatica and my job is predominantly physical. So the whole idea of MIL watching baby was so her and I got used to short periods of separation and I could get my fitness back up slightly.
So a few chats all round might be beneficial for everyone.
and in terms of me kissing DD, I couldn’t imagine leaving for work one day and not kissing her. If I’m honest. So of course there will be a point that It’ll be integrated into our routine but I have been conscious or anxious about it in terms of newborn stage.

Please kiss your baby.
There is not much better in this world than kissing your own baby. Not miss out on that joy.

My MIL used to get cold sores - I specifically asked her to be very careful not to kiss DD - when she was babysitting I saw she had active cold sores and reminded her not to kiss the baby - she thought she knew better and it was fine - DD has intermittently suffered from cold sores - I can never prove it was MIL - and with hindsight I think outside of DH and myself I would have banned kissing - they are bloody awful - unsightly and painful.

Just to echo one PP, germs are GOOD for babies. Babies need lots of exposure to people, pets, soil... there's lots of evidence that not getting these things is responsible for the high prevalence of allergies today (also a working hypothesis for the current hepatitis outbreak - kids being exposed to common viruses later than normal because of pandemic).

WTF? Your baby isn't kissed by her own parents? Is this real?

Do you understand how immune systems develop.
first she will have immunity she developed while in the womb from you
2ndly ( and hope you are trying to do this given your compulsive behaviour) breast feeding continues to provide antibodies to the baby to boast it further
3rdly vaccines- get childhood vaccines according to NHS timetable
4th ly- exposure to microbes - only through exposure will dc kick of the immune system to develop antibodies. Small doses of microbes trigger those antibodies (in same way as vaccines for more serious diseases), and repeated triggers arm the immune system with antibodies in increasing levels of effectiveness ( again same as why we have vaccine boosters).

as people are now finding when coming out of lockdown, masks and other covid restrictions, without that constant exposure immunity is compromised and you are more likely to pick up illness - hence why there’s also a lot of colds and stomach bugs in circulation right now…people have little immunity

my jaw dropped open when you said you did not kiss the baby- shocked and this is extremely abnormal. Bear in mind in history (and even now in less developed communities) children were weaned on pre chewed food by their parents- it is thought that is how kissing became a norm…it started with the loving action of a parent passing food mouth to mouth to a baby.

look up if a baby has ever died of being kissed “ healthy” adults or children. The only extraordinary rare cases has been limited to those people with active cold sores, ( herpes virus) and other severe diseases- people who know they are I’ll or carry viruses. And even then unless they are kissing mouth to mouth or an open wound it is not possible to infect- that’s why we have skin 🤦‍♀️

The act of mouth feeding is called Premastication- just looked it up

I’m another one gobsmacked that you don’t kiss your own child.
How can you resist they are adorable at this age?

Not, it's not normal. I've heard about the coldsore risk, but I would say it's such a minute ones there's no reason to have any rule beyond 'Don't kiss the baby if you have a coldsore'.

We need to internalise that we can never remove all risks for our children and is the risk control proportionate to the cost? This is such a tiny risk that it's barely worth removing.

If MIL is prone to cold sores then she shouldn't be kissing your baby.

But you and DH need to speak to the health visitor about your reluctance to kiss your own child. There could be many worrying and unhealthy reasons for adopting such a detached relationship with your baby, and you both might need some extra support or reassurance.

You keep referring to your baby as ‘new born’ she’s not. That term applies up to 28 days old.

that breaks my heart

Bloody hell, I can understand your concerns about people passing the herpes virus to your baby, but to not even kiss her yourselves is just weird. Poor wee baby.

Hi OP. I had a coldsore when I gave birth to my DS - he was very overdue and I was very run down which is when I tend to get them, and so I didn't kiss him until it had healed about 10 days in. I was so sad not to be able to do it, but he's 8 now and I'd forgotten about it until I read your thread.

I kiss both of my children all the time, unless I have a coldsore in which case I obviously don't kiss anyone, and so far neither of them has had a coldsore. I hope they don't, but if you gave me a choice as an adult between the occasional coldsore or missing out on having been kissed by my own parents and grandparents, I'd always choose to have been kissed and shown physical affection and care.

Kissing your baby should be spontaneous, not 'integrated into a routine' 😕

You are going to look back on this and regret it. This will be something you will regret forever.

We're human. We need physical affection. Babies need physical affection. Humans kiss. It is what we do.

Obviously consent is involved as we grow, but a babe in arm should be kissed by their parents.

It is not normal for you and your husband to have actually discussed this and both agreed not to kiss your own child. You both need to get some help.

Worried about an active cold sore, that's perfectly normal and no one should be passing that on to a baby. But a blanket rule of no kisses at all, even by you? Nah that's just over the top. Babies thrive on closeness and banning kissing them is just wrong imo.