Is this normal 😩…

[Breeze03]

I’m a first time mum to DD who is 9 weeks. My partner and I have a strict ‘no kissing her’ rule which everyone has been told and told why…

A few family members have done so regardless. When these specific family members hold her now, I get agitated and internally stressed.

my MIL - who’s prone to getting cold sores - has done so a couple of times and says ‘she just doesn’t think and it was normal when she had kids’.

now because she’s done it a few times, I feel as though she seems to think it’s okay. But now I’m paranoid to have her around the baby.

my own mum has told me this isn’t normal and shouldn’t be affecting how I feel so much…

advice please?

Your baby needs you to kiss her to help build up her immune system (among other things). Waiting until you think her immune system is strong enough is bonkers. She won't have an immune system unless she's exposed to things to help develop it.

Aww please give your baby kisses op. It’s an important part of their development. As long as your mother in law doesn’t have active cold sores (which you will be able to see) then it’ll be fine.

Awwhh this is just terribly terribly sad.

I think it would be wise to seek some support from your GP. It isn't normal not to kiss your own child. Oh course you can decide that you aren't doing it but I have to wonder what is motivating that...a fear of some sort? Over protection from germs is really bad for our bodies.I have never heard of a parent not kissing their baby and I am old!

Op please kiss your baby! I’m so shocked by this.

Kissing a baby is a really quick way of checking temperature and (I read this somewhere) that scientists think that your breast milk responds to any dodgy microbes on their skin from the kiss

Im so sad for you

Three separate issues here:

1. You have the right to put whatever boundaries you see fit with respect to your baby.
2. People shouldn't kiss your baby if they have active cold sores
3. BUT and its a big but, not kissing your own baby is seriously odd and I would say pretty neurotic. Not only are you probably impacting your baby's development but its no way to live. I can't imagine going through life without physical contact with my child like that and this sort of anxiety is probably having other negative impacts on your life. I think you probably need to get some help with this.

So of course there will be a point that It’ll be integrated into our routine but I have been conscious or anxious about it in terms of newborn stage.

But she's not a newborn now, and I don't get this 'integrate it into our routine' but. Kisses are spontaneous!

I do understand your anxiety as I looked up coldsores in newborns after dd2 was born as I broke out in loads after her birth. If I did have a third I would request that anyone who suffered coldsores refrained from kissing baby for the first couple of weeks.

However, kissing your baby is so natural it must be very hard to not do it yourselves. You have the advantage of absolutely knowing whether you have one or not.

Fyi, I get tingly, itchy patches on my lips with hayfever. Anxiety after birth is common, you need to be aware and talk to your gp if you think it is getting in the way of every day life.

Hi OP. I understand your anxiety about other people kissing your baby. I hope that eases in time.

However, I would really, really really try to access some advice you can trust that will allay you fears about rising your own baby. You need a GP or nurse, or midwife, or anyone who might reassure you to explain how tiny the risk is, of any harm, so you can kiss your tiny baby.

I say this as someone who had every single shred of PFB/helicopter parent syndrome going - I thought the design of prams was outrageous because THE BABY GOES INTO THE ROAD FIRST BEFORE THE PARENT. I can laugh at myself now, btw.

Please try to take steps to minimise your anxiety - I honestly think in years to come, there is a real risk that your regret over not kissing your beloved baby might be profound otherwise.

God, my spelling there. Rushing, soz 🙄

Oh my goodness. Please kiss your child??? This is horribly sad. I had bad postnatal anxiety after my first was born, but even I kissed my baby 😳 children need affection, withholding kisses is not okay! And you're being REALLY unreasonable to not allow your child's grandparents to kiss her?? I can understand (during the newborn stage) not letting someone prone to coldsores kiss her. But for her other grandparents ... Yeah that's really horrible. Verging on cruel, for everyone involved, but especially your child. Please work through this anxiety for the sake of your child because this is not good for her.

You are allowed to be a neurotic first time Mum, I said and did some silly things when my first DS was born but at the time they felt important. If you don’t want people to kiss your baby that’s fine you are allowed to implement rules but you will look back and think ‘what on earth was I thinking’

Banning family from kissing your baby (presuming no currently active cold sore) is bizarre IMO.

But having never kissed your 9 week old through is extremely worrying parenting. You either need significant medical support to deal with your anxiety or support to deal with your approach to parenting before it causes your poor baby significant issues in the future with affection and bonding. Your poor baby 😢

What really disturbs me is that you want to ''integrate" kissing into your goodbye routine before you return to work. Kisses should be natural not routine driven, and the drive for starting doesn't seem to be because of of your baby, but needed on your wants.

Do you kiss your partner/husband? If so, is that when you feel like it, or is it on a routine?

Hug your child. Kiss your child. Snuggle them in your arms and sniff their head. Your child learns affection from you as parents. It is the most natural thing in the world to kiss your baby.

OP while I think your rule is slightly strange and you need to relax, its your rule. And as such it should be respected. I think you either need to come to terms with the fact that MIL has her own rules for your child or find other childcare. And I know which I would be doing.

I had a nightmare with my own DM (MIL was great). Every rule I set was broken, as a challenge. I look back now and see some rules were OTT, but they were my boundaries of how I felt safe leaving my first child. It started with "couldnt help it" or "I forgot" or "it was only a little bit of chocolate" etc and ended at her taking my child to houses of family members I did not approve of for afternoons "to show her off". Such as DMs brother who smoked weed 24/7. DM is very anti drugs and actually cited that as a reason in her divorce. However her brother doesnt count as hes extremely wealthy so she sees that as a preference rather than a drug addiction or something my DC would passively inhale.

Jesus Christ you don’t kiss your own child?! My daughter is 7 now, I started kissing her a second after she was born and never stopped. We still kiss on lips too and will until she doesn’t want to anymore.

Your mil absolutely should respect your boundaries with your baby. I can see why you don’t want her kissing your baby if she’s prone to cold sores.

Your baby needs your kisses and her father’s kisses. From the time she is born. Being exposed to normal things will help her immune system. Please research this. Please do not withhold your kisses from your baby.

It’s really good for babies to be kissed. They absolutely need to be kissed which is why it’s so ingrained and innate. This isn’t OK and you need to see a GP. You are not well x Hope you feel better soon

Thanks everyone. Your replies have made me realise I’ve been too cautious.
some however have assumed I’m a detached, deranged mother for not doing so.
I am aware how not kissing a child growing up could be extremely detrimental. I couldn’t imagine seeing my parents kiss each other and not me. Surely that would send the wrong message completely and be harmful to DD. It was just these initial weeks. And it was never a huge big conversation with DP and I. Just we didn’t want anyone kissing her and we adopted that ourselves.
She is an incredibly happy, heathy baby who trust me, receives all my affection minus this. And no one quote gets smiles and coos like mum and dad :) Everyone highlighting it had made me realise it’s silly to be as cautious especially DP and I. However, for others I can’t say if that’ll change for a while.

You don't let her grandmother kiss her? Wait, YOU don't kiss your baby?!!! You willyr miss these days of cuddles and snuggles you know?! Don't do that to your family. If she had active herpes that's different, but come on, poor baby, poor grandparents..Your baby needs love, kisses and cuddles

I think no kissing on the lips as a rule is fine, I actually caught the Coldsore virus from my parents as a child so I'm well aware of it. I don't actually purposely kiss my own children on the mouth (i kiss their head/cheeks all the time!), they are only little and will go for your face but I always turn and let them kiss my cheek. I'm not paranoid but I don't want them to catch it. My parents don't kiss them on the lips either, it's no big deal and I've never actually said don't, they just know as they have the virus too and don't want to pass it on.

If you don't want people to kiss your baby then you tell them not to. It might be easier to articulate your feeling in a message than to their faces, I know when my in laws did things which I didn't want them to do (which they were aware of) I mentioned it at the time and then followed up with exactly what I had asked. This was to do with covid and completely ignoring social distancing with our children, picking them up and kissing them!!! I just said we'd be keeping away if you can't respect instructions (we'd told our children not to hug too so they were confused). If people don't respect your wishes you don't visit them, quite simple, it doesn't matter if the other person finds your request too much, your rules, your choice.

As a woman approaching her 50s who had parents who never showed physical affection, I am now paying the financial and emotional costs.

It has wreaked havoc with my mental health, affecting all my adult relationships with people I’ve tried to be friends with, my childrens teachers, my DH.

I am clueless as to what boundaries are & where I sit with them, I take body language from others wrongly, I’m far too grateful for the smallest of gestures and become overpowering with gratitude. I struggle at work & am now down to 9 hours a week from 45.

You do have the right to look out for your new baby and I’d be concerned if you weren’t, just please make sure it’s in proportion and in the correct capacity.

Don’t do her a dis-service because of your insecurities. You know she’s worth more. Wishing you all the best happiness xxx

Each to their own...but yeah, kiss her eventually, won't you!

The cold sore thing aside (obviously no-one with an active one should be kissing anyone), I noticed OP that you said your lips had been tingling. This doesn't necessarily mean imminent cold sore - in my own experience, this is directly connected with anxiety and stress (I had it in fingertips as well as lips during a very bad time and GP gently said that was the most likely explanation rather than anything purely physical). Please try not to worry so much, I had some mad rules with my first baby too, looking back, but mum and dad kissing her head/cheeks is always going to be a good thing rather than do harm.

Just in your MILs defence, I really try not to kiss my baby nieces and nephews, but if you are holding a baby sometimes it's just automatic. She might not even realise she's done it till too late.