Is this normal 😩…

[Breeze03]

I’m a first time mum to DD who is 9 weeks. My partner and I have a strict ‘no kissing her’ rule which everyone has been told and told why…

A few family members have done so regardless. When these specific family members hold her now, I get agitated and internally stressed.

my MIL - who’s prone to getting cold sores - has done so a couple of times and says ‘she just doesn’t think and it was normal when she had kids’.

now because she’s done it a few times, I feel as though she seems to think it’s okay. But now I’m paranoid to have her around the baby.

my own mum has told me this isn’t normal and shouldn’t be affecting how I feel so much…

advice please?

I think people should respect your wishes re kissing your tiny newborn baby regardless but with heroes virus too I would stamp on this FAST. It can kill babies it's very serious

OP I empathise with your desire to protect your daughter. In our family we were taught to not kiss young babies on their faces and others away from eyes and mouths. Your baby feels your affection without the need for sloppy kisses on the face.
To those posting here who have minimised the danger of passing on the herpes virus I will tell you of my experience. No one in my immediate family had ever had a cold sore. I lost a contact lens on the floor in my home and my husband found it. He had no visible / active cold sore at the time. I washed and wetted the lens and reinserted it and a short time afterwards was diagnosed with a herpes ulcer on my cornea. This had to be abraided (scraped) off my eye and the pain after the anaesthetic drops wore off was terrible. I can quite believe that the virus can cause blindness in a baby .
The fact is, that one can never be totally sure if the virus is in an inactive state on the body of a sufferer.
OP stick by your rules but don’t become obsessive— relax as you DD becomes older and develops a better immunity.

by no means am I not well 🤣.

I don’t think you’re getting it, OP, it’s not funny. You may be seriously damaging your baby, ffs. It’s weird and not normal, you need to see someone about your anxiety.

@Flavourflava You've got good willpower. I used to snog my baby's stupid little face off. Completely irresistible

Same , gorgeous little things

The irony is, kissing your baby actually improves a baby's immune system. It's an intentional act of nature to improve your baby's long term health. This is crazy, OP.

You need to talk to someone about your anxieties, this is very much Not OK.

Off topic a bit but I feel a bit sad for your baby. My parents were not kissy and seeing other children being kissed by their parents always made me feel left out.

That said, coldsores!!!! Absolutely no kissing during a flare up at all. I get coldsores and wouldn't wish them on anyone.

Hi guys! Think yous should read updates and be aware of what I’ve said and how pleasant I’ve been regarding some comments. Taking on board comments.
You can in no way state someone needs help for not kissing their baby in such a short time frame - and criticise this moving forward when it’s stated it’s not a forever thing. She receives an abundance of and nonstop affection daily, and I couldn’t be more proud of how I’m doing as a first time mum and how well she’s growing and reaching her milestones and the bond we have. Highlighting that it helps the immune system etc is fair enough. And some other helpful comments have of course made me realise being overly cautious can be problematic in the long run. The comment about anxiety etc being picked up on is also a good one. There’s actually books about generational anxiety etc.
some times people need to realise this isn’t the first thing that’s thought of, it’s a natural instinct to panic or worry. And everyone’s different.
Taking away from the important fact that people with cold sores shouldn’t lose babies and should accept that instead of minimise the risk and danger and attacking me, shouldn’t be the aim of comments!

70% of people have it, so your post makes little sense

Nrtft

i don’t think your being OTT. We never had a blanket rule but we never saw many family members when our first 2 were born as we were overseas. DH and never kissed our DDs as babies either. When DD 3 was born there were lots of family around but none gave kisses. I’m my family it’s just not done, my DF use to get lots of cold sores so never liked kissing children, he always kissed the top of heads or touch his cheek to top of heads. My SILs family all kiss each other on mouths, even children, I absolutely hate it and she knows that, she’d never dream of kissing one of my children anywhere but on their head or an air kiss because she knows how I feel, it’s the same as her DH, my DB, he has never had a problem telling people outright to not kiss his children.

The herpes virus is deadly for babies. I recently met a couple who lost their baby to it. I would absolutely stick to your guns

This is one of the strangest and saddest posts I have ever read on MN. I've been here on and off for 10 years. Why on earth would you not kiss your baby?

You have a very warped idea of 'protecting your child'...

I'd look at that before anything else.

And kiss your own baby.

I also dont think you are being unreasonable. I am currently 21 weeks and arealready anxious about people kissing my little girl, especially family members that i know i will have to enforce this on as they will not listen to my wishes.

As you have stated, there will become a time that you feel comfortable to give your DD kisses, but that should be on your time frame. Why people think that you not kissing your 9 week out DD is going to mentally scar her for life is beyond me, she wont have a bloody scooby if shes being kissed or not so them comments are just ridiculous.

MIL is certainly out of order, especially having coldsores herself. I do not at al blame you for being anxious about leaving her, and i would be saying to MIL unless she suddenly starts to remember YOUR wishes as her mother, she wont be left unattended with her.

Also as far as family never kissing her - again i dont see the issue. The amount of people who force there children to kiss family members i think is weird. I remember being forced to kiss my nan & grandad goodnight and i didnt want to. I still think now its weird to be teaching your kid they need to kiss anyone there told. weird weird weird

You can absoluetely someone needs help for not kissing their baby. The whole point is your baby is 9 weeks old. It is not normal to be this over protective. It is weird not to kiss your own newborn. It is an anxiety thats taken over your life - and is affecting how you interact with others. You are not coping with the situation when people don't follow your rules. That level of control isn't healthy. It doesn't matter what you intend to do going forever. This isn't a healthy approach to life. Its not assessing and managing risk well, because its a failure to understand risk. Its not dealing with your anxieties well.

Have you stayed in the house the entire 9 weeks? Have you got in a car or cross the road with your baby?

Think about it.

This is not normal nor within the boundaries of what is considered healthy.

I’m sorry, I genuinely don’t think you’ve read what I’ve said. How at this age is this affecting my baby to a point it’s one of the saddest posts on MN.
A baby is happy, healthy and loved more than anything in this world.
It has been stated I will at some point be comfortable doing so but at this point feel she’s too little. I have acknowledged other people view points too.
Have you read the news lately regarding child abuse etc. Me being overly cautious for the first weeks of my daughters life is hardly the saddest thing you’ve read, I should question what you’re reading.
Theres other ways of displaying and giving affection to a child, on such a short term basis one factor isn’t a hinderance.

Theres other ways of displaying and giving affection to a child, on such a short term basis one factor isn’t a hinderance.

@Breeze03 if you're so sure, why have you posted asking if this is normal? The majority have told you it isn't, and yet you're sure it's fine. So was there any point in posting?

Bold fail ffs

The original post was regarding MIL who is prone to getting regular cold sores - kissing the baby and the fact I’m not comfortable with family members doing so. That was the point of the original post and is it normal to get worked up when such people are holding her in case they do it again.
respectfully accepted people views. However im being attacked for not kissing my baby, yet. And simply stating we haven’t kissed her YET so it’s not too hard for others not too when we’ve expressed how we feel.
Read again and I’ve accepted what people are saying. The fact is most points are attacking me rather than giving advice surrounding the OP.
thanks :)

Feeling compelled to leave a comment on this thread after reading the replies. I am utterly disgusted at the responses this first-time mother has had, after clearly outlining the fears and anxieties in relation to kissing her new baby - yes ‘new’ because again, she is a first-time mother.

There is positive encouragement and enlightenment and then there is just trolling and nastiness. If you actually follow the post and the updates, you will see that the OP has agreed that they are feeling OTT and will speak to the HV. For someone that has outlined anxieties to this degree, to then read constant negative comments, and those suggesting her baby will not develop properly, is unnecessary and quite degrading. The intention of these posts are to give/receive advice, guidance and support. If you can’t offer that and fully read the thread, then don’t leave a comment. It is that simple.

#bekind

We were housebound for nearly 6 weeks following c-section and infection. Luckily DD was healthy and it was just myself poorly. Getting back out and about to groups etc now.
I accept that the it’s not normal to be so worked up about it hence my post. However someone prone to cold sores kissing my baby won’t be something I’m okay with. How to address this so I don’t act this way or how to address it with the person was why I was looking for advice.
i’m In no way a germaphobe or anything of the sort. It’s just this one thing I’ve had an issue with!

I think you're being incredibly precious about a blanket ban on the rest of the family kissing your baby. I'm pretty sure that in my family, grandparents/aunts/uncles etc have always kissed babies as a matter of course, more or less instinctively, so I can see why people are forgetting.

Your MIL obviously shouldn't be kissing your baby when she actually has a cold sore, but if she hasn't got one she won't pass anything on. The virus can only be passed on when it's active. It's perfectly possible that you and/or your husband also have the virus, but it's simply never activated.

Ultimately it's your choice, of course - your baby your rules and all that. But kissing babies is totally normal and it's you and your partner who are being weird about it, not the rest of the family.

I suspect the tingling is psychosomatic as you have a fixation on cold sores and kissing the baby. If you don’t get cold sores, don’t worry.

It’s extremely unusual for parents to not indulge in the instinctive affection they feel towards their babies. I hope this thread has helped you see that your anxiety over you and your partner kissing your baby is over the top. Kiss your kid.

Regarding your MIL, less so as she’s a known herpes carrier.

I'm probably the least maternal woman on MN but even I kissed (and still do) DS now 17.

Neither of you kissing your baby is very abnormal and sad.

I have coldsores quite a lot and I've had 3 babies. I've kissed every inch of them from the minute they were born. Obviously when I have an active coldsore I don't kiss them on the mouth, but kissing the top of their head even with a coldsore isn't going to do anything. Do you think the virus isn't also on my hands and stuff? What are mothers who have coldsores meant to do? Never see or touch their kids with an active one? Should I have told my demanding toddlers than Mummy can't kiss them for a week? That wouldn't go down well!

I think the advice for visitors to not kiss a newborn is sensible as it stops them contracting lots of germs at once, but I would stick to no kisses on the face, from extended family and only until they're a few months old. After hearing that you and your husband don't kiss your sweet baby, I'm so glad her grandmother did. As long as she hasn't got an active coldsore it's fine.

Also just wanted to add as I have seen all your replies and wanted to help rest your mind a little more, as a mother to 3 I have kissed them all with active coldsores now at some point in their lives (them all being older). My eldest gets coldsores but my youngest two don't, despite being kissed with my awful germs hundreds of times. My husband has never caught them off me either, and he will kiss me right on a juice coldsore! So they're not much to worry about in older, more robust kids and adults.

Just keep protecting the little one while it's tiny but don't let your worry become more of a risk to her than the actual problem.

The fact it can be dormant in individuals was obviously a factor about us not doing it!
My close friends have a 16 month old and she’s the same about family members kissing her baby also! Many people I know have similar views about this but maybe not to the extent they react like I do. Which was what my OP was addressing.