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Original poster

Baptisms without consent...

159 replies

LC09122126 · 03/09/2021 14:35

New here and a First time poster and trying to find that AIBU section... I can't so here goes!

I've been separated from my child's father since last summer. Plans to have a christening were in place prior to us separating and COVID came and shit all over our plans. Ex was fine with me wanting to christen the little one when we were together (probably because he knew my family would mostly foot the bill, the absolute bum) He understood I was brought up in a close knit, church attending, large catholic family and was happy for this to be the way forward, with far better schooling prospects in the area where I live for the future.
I haven't discussed it yet, but I KNOW he will now refuse just to throw a spanner in the works.
It would make no odds to him either way, but he would do it to be awkward.
A: Can I do it without his consent? And B: Does anyone think I'm being unreasonable for wanting to do it that way?
Thanks in advance x

OP posts:
lannistunut · 03/09/2021 14:39

Hi, this sounds complex.

I do, personally, consider it unreasonable to baptise a child unless both parents agree to it.

You can always baptise tomorrow, but you never unbaptise tomorrow.

mrsbitaly · 03/09/2021 14:42

I must admit I would be pretty pissed if I found out my ex baptised our child without agreeing together I think it would give him the ammunition to do what he pleases in future too.

I'm not sure on the legalities of it though to be honest.

Have a chat with him you never know he may support the idea if you explain about schooling ect.

LaurieFairyCake · 03/09/2021 15:32

I don't think I get why anyone would be annoyed Confused

If you're not a believer then to you it's just pouring water on a kids head and saying a prayer right ?

Far more importantly he can involve himself in choice of school so if you did want a faith school he could get very difficult

So no, you don't have to tell him or have his consent to pour water on a kids head or take him to church - but you do legally have to agree schooling etc

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Mlhactive · 03/09/2021 15:34

@LaurieFairyCake

I don't think I get why anyone would be annoyed Confused

If you're not a believer then to you it's just pouring water on a kids head and saying a prayer right ?

Far more importantly he can involve himself in choice of school so if you did want a faith school he could get very difficult

So no, you don't have to tell him or have his consent to pour water on a kids head or take him to church - but you do legally have to agree schooling etc

Doesn't it mean the child is officially a member of the Catholic Church? I wouldn't be happy with that.
LaBellina · 03/09/2021 15:42

I think it’s very, very wrong from an ethical point of view to baptize a child without the other parents consent. I also doubt you could get it done as afaik most sacraments including baptism require those involved (both parents in this case) to be involved in the preparations which includes a talk with the priest.

picklemewalnuts · 03/09/2021 15:46

It's not like a legal, definitive thing. You don't have to pay a subscription for the rest of your life, it doesn't bar you from belonging to anything else... it's not visible like ear piercing.

The only people it matters to are those who would want it. If for example one parent had the child baptised at their church which meant the other no longer could.

I can't understand why anyone would have an issue with this. It means nothing unless you are a church member yourself.

lannistunut · 03/09/2021 15:46

@LaurieFairyCake

I don't think I get why anyone would be annoyed Confused

If you're not a believer then to you it's just pouring water on a kids head and saying a prayer right ?

Far more importantly he can involve himself in choice of school so if you did want a faith school he could get very difficult

So no, you don't have to tell him or have his consent to pour water on a kids head or take him to church - but you do legally have to agree schooling etc

I'm not sure you understand what baptism means. It is not just water on a head, it is joining a religion.
lannistunut · 03/09/2021 15:47

@LaBellina

I think it’s very, very wrong from an ethical point of view to baptize a child without the other parents consent. I also doubt you could get it done as afaik most sacraments including baptism require those involved (both parents in this case) to be involved in the preparations which includes a talk with the priest.
I would hope the church would refuse without both parents. They should.
JuneOsborne · 03/09/2021 15:50

I don't agree with doing it without consent.

Imagine if he did something similar without your consent. Think about how you'd feel.

I understand that this is really important to you, so maybe this is thing that opens up communication with you and your ex as you discuss it and decide together?

LaBellina · 03/09/2021 15:51

Me too @lannistunut and I am pretty sure they will. Even if they don’t think it’s immoral as they are ‘saving a soul’ the backlash if it came out would be huge (I imagine the Daily Mail and the like would definitely be interested if there were a story like this) and rightfully so. They won’t take that risk.

NannyR · 03/09/2021 15:53

What about a thanksgiving/dedication service (you can still have the whole celebration and party aspect) and then let the child decide about baptism when they are old enough?
I don't think our vicar would baptize a baby if one parent was explicitly against it.
I'm a Christian and I was baptised as a tiny baby and I really feel that I missed out on making those promises and decisions myself when they really meant something to me.

Bellagonna · 03/09/2021 15:53

I'd let the child decide when they're old enough.

If you go ahead you can't then get annoyed if he has contact and chooses to introduce them to devil worship/Scientology/flat earthers/jediism

MatildaIThink · 03/09/2021 15:54

Technically according to the rules of the Catholic church all living and mentally competent parents of children under the ages of 16 are required to agree to a baptism. A priest may agree if one parent is estranged or uncontactable but is unlikely to agree if one parent outright objects.

Personally I think you are being unreasonable to indoctrinate your child, let them grow up and choose for themselves when they are 18+.

Mama1980 · 03/09/2021 15:54

I'm not sure, I'm not religious myself. But I have had this conversation with my very catholic friend before - she said no priest worth their salt would allow a baptism to go ahead with both parents consent. If they are going to grow up in the church it can be very damaging if one parent doesn't consent/hates it.
Morally it's just not ok.

ChocolateDeficitDisorder · 03/09/2021 15:54

I'm not sure you understand what baptism means. It is not just water on a head, it is joining a religion.

Without the understanding and consent of the child, it means nothing. When they're old enough to make a decision, they can choose to join a religion.

I was christened and I'm not and never have been a Christian.

GoodnightGrandma · 03/09/2021 15:55

I really don’t see that it matters. He could go and get the child christened something else.
You will have your proof of the Catholic christening for school entry.

Mrgrinch · 03/09/2021 15:56

He's already given his consent to the baptism before you split up, I wouldn't ask again.

Mlhactive · 03/09/2021 15:57

@picklemewalnuts

It's not like a legal, definitive thing. You don't have to pay a subscription for the rest of your life, it doesn't bar you from belonging to anything else... it's not visible like ear piercing.

The only people it matters to are those who would want it. If for example one parent had the child baptised at their church which meant the other no longer could.

I can't understand why anyone would have an issue with this. It means nothing unless you are a church member yourself.

What if you don't like the RC Church or its teachings? I wouldn't want my children joining an organisation like that.
MistyFrequencies · 03/09/2021 15:58

I think is wrong to do it without his consent, no matter how much of a dick he might be.

Original poster
LC09122126 · 03/09/2021 15:58

By the way, my ex has never stepped foot in a church as far as I'm aware. They were brought up in a non believing household, went to the local, non denominational, bog standard performing primary school. The family know what my faith means to me and my family and were perfectly on board when they were invited to the post baptism do pre separation. And the fact that the RC faith schools in my area are outstanding were one of the main reasons for buying this house, he knew all of this before he gave up on his family. His commitment to a discussion involving schooling in the will entail how far out of his way he will have to go. He's not a bit interested. He would honestly just say no to be awkward and use the excuse that the child should make up their own mind when they're older 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
DoucheCanoe · 03/09/2021 15:59

A family member had her childs christening cancelled by the priest after her ex contacted them to say that his family were not religious and objected.

She went ahead with it at another setting any way and didn't tell him that it was happening. She explained to the priest that the Father wasn't involved in the child's life and didn't live nearby so couldn't obtain consent.

Family member isn't religious in any way but wants her child to attend a religious school.

LaurieFairyCake · 03/09/2021 16:00

Yes I do understand what it means (I'm a Christian- though one not fussed about child baptism as I prefer the child to choose freely)

But if you don't believe then it's just water on the head and a prayer - nothing literally to object to Confused

My ex SIL is Catholic and her priest was happy to do it even though my BIL didn't agree (he agrees now as it got her into the school)

And as for it signifies you joining the church - again this is just symbolic

HoldingTheDoor · 03/09/2021 16:01

It's completely wrong to do it without his consent. Personally I think it's wrong to do it without the child's consent too but that's a subject for another thread.

TheReluctantPhoenix · 03/09/2021 16:02

You do what you want in your time, as long as it is not damaging to the child (and the water really isn’t).

There are a lot of militant atheists on MN. I am agnostic (and closer to atheism), but I cannot see why it would matter.

Ultimately the child makes up their own mind.

Acarp · 03/09/2021 16:02

He would honestly just say no to be awkward and use the excuse that the child should make up their own mind when they're older 🤦🏻‍♀️

It's true though.